Feeling down

Hi feeling gloomy.does anyone else feel like just packing it in.im only 2 weeks into my 18 weeks of chemotherapy and I'm so tierd in the afternoons.jwhen I went to get my bloods done this week the nurse asked how I was feeling.i asked myself if I was ever going to say I feel good again in my lifetime.it just doesn't seem like it.i know il get through it.my daughter i law is doing the race for life and she put on Facebook I was the strongest most courageous person she knew so I have a lot to live up to.sometimes though you just feel like going to sleep and not waking up.regards Carolyn x

[judyved-US]

Hi Carolyn....Don't give up. I had 18 weeks also....Oct.31,2014 to Feb.25, 2015. I was tired also in the afternoons, but I was bound and determined to keep a positive attitude......and, I did. I think that really helps. I just had my first 3 month check up and blood work post chemo. Everything is ok.....thank God. I have lingering pain and numbness in my feet from the neuropathy, but that may improve or maybe even resolve completely. In any case, I'm used to it, and I don't let it bother me or keep me from doing anything.

Try to keep a positive attitude. It will definitely help. And, your daughter-in-law is right. You are strong and courageous. We all have to be. Obviously, you're putting on a good "face" for your family. Try to incorporate that right into your being so that you feel it. Prayers coming your way. You can do it! XOXO, Judy

[EilyEire]

Hi Carolyn. know how you feel.we have all been there.Im on my 3rd go still fighting .rest as much and when you can its so important .It hard when you goin every week Im not goin to tell you it gets easier asit didn't for me but I coped as u will .that's what WE do you,ll get there girl xxx

[Hidden in reply to EilyEire]

When you feel tired in the afternoon you must rest for an hour or so, its best to go to bed if you can. I think we all get bad days and see no way out but maybe you can find a support group near you to go and talk or maybe the macmillan nurses can help you if you are in the UK. It is natural to feel like that, dont be hard on yourself. Wishing you many good days

[moominkat]

Hi Carolyn, I sometimes felt very down and sensitive on the Caelyx/Carboplatin combo and I think these drugs do make you feel low. No proof of course, but I'm not normally quite so overly sensitive to world affairs - I gave up watching the news as I just felt so awful - nor do I feel a generally suffer a sense of malaise. I also felt uncomfortable in my skin, shakey to the point of not wanting to go out in case I fainted (we say 'shuggly' up here) and constantly tired after the least effort. I too had thoughts about it being pleasant to just go to sleep and not wake up and thought a couple of times of saying 'enough, I want to stop the treatment'. But I stuck with it and came through this period each time (took me about 17-20 days, post chemo) by reminding myself that I would feel better again, I just had to get through this horrible 3 weeks. My chemo lasted 6 months - started on 24/12, what a great Christmas I had! - and although I'm still throwing off the side effects of the chemo, my taste buds are back to normal and I generally only feel tired if I do something, at which point I go for a welcome snooze, the hell with the world. I hope my experience helps you feel you too will get though this ghastly time. Be kind to yourself and when you do feel well or normal, remember the feeling for the next time. xxx

[francescahannah]

Dear Carolyn, yes I felt a bit like that yesterday when I went to the Christie and was told my white cells are too low for Chemo which means my plans to go away and my sons graduation are all put out. I felt tearful and like giving up too. I'm on 6th line Chemo after being diagnosed 11 years ago and I have been very fit and well much of the time. My kids think I'm brave and I don't feel it either. But then I love life and wasn't to see my little 14 month granddaughter as long as possible so no doubt I'll keep going a bit longer. I expect many of us feel like giving up sometimes and have very gloomy dark days. I find a lot of comfort in nature and go to my local park to fed the ducks to try and get back to feeling bit better. I do hope you can talk to people and fund some ways to get some comfort and support today

Love and hugs Francesca x

[baxbird]

Hi, I did the 18 weekly chemo, it is a long haul. But, I felt better in some ways, as I had to go each week, it was a date in the diary. Each date was one step closer to the end. I also felt better knowing that id see a health care professional each week and not have to cope so much alone.

I also get the weight of feeling of expectation put on you, by well meaning family and friends saying how brave and courageous you're being. You almost feel like you have to live up to that expectation but really, it doesn't feel brave etc, just something you've got to do cos what else can you do? I do feel that I can't express my true inner feelings with those closest to me because sometimes they would be devastated by the thoughts that enter my head. So they get tucked away or let out on forums like this. Don't get me wrong I'm generally a positive person, but do believe its only natural for the devil on your shoulder to be whispering the negative thoughts too.

So all in all, what I'm trying to say is, what you're feeling is normal. Don't beat yourself up about it, there will be light at the end of the tunnel

Dawn

[Taichipat]

I agree wholeheartedly with Dawn. Friends and family do put pressure on you by saying how positive and courageous etc.,you are and how well you look but it is not natural to feel like that all the time. I was diagnosed last May and have been through the treatment with only a short remission so here I am 1 year later and still feeling crap and now on Rotterdam. I get really frustrated and sad cos I don't feel I have a life other than tea and cake trips out when I am up to it. That wasnt my life. I exercised 5 times a week, ate healthily and certainly have never been overweight. Somethings gone wrong or just luck I guess. We all get negative thoughts but all we can really do is plod on regardless. No choice I am afraid.

Pat

[thesilent1]

Carolyn, you're not alone in those feelings. I bet most of us have had them. When going through chemo I cried to my husband over the phone one day that I'd rather be dead as I felt so miserable. Oh how I regret ever saying that. Life will never be the same again, how can it after all we have been through but it will be different and when symptoms ease, can be just as good. Chin up, tomorrow is another day. Keep fighting warrior! Ann xo

[IrishMollyO]

Hi Carolyn. Although I am on holidays I could not stop thinking of you all day. I just want you to know that you won't have those down feelings forever. We have all been there and climbed back up. You will too I promise you. Of course your family think you are the bravest person in the world and you really are. Please do not let that stop you from asking for help when you need it and taking a rest when the fatigue gets too much.

You will feel good again Carolyn. I am sure so many people are willing you on because they love you dearly. If there is a support group near you join it. You will meet people who really understand what you are going through. You will be able to talk to them more freely as they are not emotionally involved with you. Believe me that being on neutral ground is a good thing. For me the worst thing about being told you have cancer is the hurt you perceive your loved ones are feeling. Some can handle it and some can't but you really don't need to be stressed by that . They will be there for you at the important times. Meanwhile support groups , good friends and this website are there for you. They are more than willing to help. I will also pray for you as I believe in the power of prayer. Stay in the present moment as that is all that matters.

All my best wishes and hugs are with you. Please try to smile and someday you won't even have to try.

[LesleyGreengran]

I felt very low at times on carbon/gemcitabine though I'm sure we all do sometimes. It's hard to keep struggling on with it, especially at the beginning when it seems such a long way to go. I hope you have some up times soon and you will get through it. I've had a great 15 months and feel fine now even though I'm heading for more chemo for 2nd recurrence in a week or two. At least I know people on this site will keep my spirits up and understand that I can't be strong and upbeat all the time.

[Supergran28]

Really sorry to hear you feel like this. I felt very low on carboplatin and gemcitabine. To the point of contemplating suicide. I spoke to the consultant about my feelings and he said some people have this reaction to the steroids you are given when having chemo. They reduced the steroids to a low dose and my mood improved greatly. Maybe it's something you could ask about. Soon you will be looking back and it will be just a memory. xx

[Hidden]

I would just like to thank you all for all your words of encouragement and hope.i know il get through it and have good and bad days.its just so nice to know that you ladies are out there and I can be honest and not have to pretend.somedays you just want a day off from being that strong courageous person.lots of love Carolyn x