Yes its back again

Soooo having been through the ups and downs of is it isn't it Ive had confirmation that the cancer is back. Just about to have a Picc Line fitted and then back on the merry go round of seeing if it works. Emotions all over the place, thoughts of wil I see Xmas? Will I be here this time next year? Cant even face going to work, pitying glances. I know people mean well and are devastated for me but Id give anything to feel 'normal' again just for 5 mins.... no thoughts of cancer, a life going to be cut short. I know, hopefuly, I will come out of this gloom but at the moment it's all consuming and nothing anyone says offers any comfort. Telling silences when I say to my trial nurse 'this just feels like the beginning of the end, the road to the cemetary'. Wish I could see a glimmer of light but I cant .

10 Replies

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  • Katmal, it is heartbreaking when it comes back and I can so understand what you are feeling. When I faced a similar situation a couple of months ago, the good advice I was given was:

    Give yourself time to absorb the news

    Keep busy

    Take it one step at a time

    I actually have found that I have felt better (touch wood) than I did during frontline chemo, and I hope you will too.

    All the best, Monique x

  • I'm so sorry that you are having to face this all over again Katmal. I hope you will take heart from some of the other ladies here who have been in this situation and are still here.

    Thinking of you.

    Love & best wishes

    Mary xx

  • Dear Katmal

    It's a rotten time for you and happy to go along with you on the way in the hope of cheering you up and to reassure you that you're not alone.

    I'm heading towards another lot of treatment too. I don't know yet what the plan is but I have an appointment Friday and I rather feel everything will be easier to cope with once you know for sure what the plan is. I think Monique has good advice for us both.

    with love xxx Annie

  • Annie

    So glad to hear you have now got your appointment sorted and are off to the RM on Friday. Wishing you lots of luck with your treatment.

    Love Col xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Very good advice from Monique. That nurse isn't worthy of the name, have you got a CNS? I had to endure a similar attitude for months and I know exactly what it feels like. You have been through a lot. At times it is hard to see the light, but there is hope and healing out there. Please be very kind to yourself for the next few days. Take it easy. Better will come. Cxxx

  • Katmal

    I know exactly what you are feeling. I felt completely devastated when I was told a couple of months ago that it was back, for the 2nd time in my case, especially as I had had major surgery in Dec and thought this would put me into a long remission. But unfortunately not. But once I, and my family, got over the bad news (again) and following a discussion with my Oncologist and my lovely CNS, who both gave me tremendous support, I am back on the chemo treadmill determined to kick it in the arse once again, only harder this time!!

    As Monique says, give yourself time to absorb the news, then get on with living your life to the full and think of your treatment as an annoying appointment to be slotted in and dealt with! Sending you lots of hugs and best wishes

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Colette

  • Katmal, very sorry for your recurrence.

    I hope after some days you may feel better and with more strength to face the new chemo. But if you are not ok, just write here again, we´re here to support you and offer some comfort.

    Lots of cyberhugs to you,

    Fernanda

  • Hi Katmal

    So sorry that you are in this horrible situation. I can identify with you because I have had times when I felt I was 'at the beginning of the end'. I spent a lot of time being angry, depressed and putting things off (because I might die soon, so what was the point?) Now I am feeling better I am angry that I wasted time worrying about this instead of enjoying what time I have left.

    A strategy that has helped me is to breakdown life into chunks, I concentrate on things to do in the short term and do not allow myself to think any further forward than, say 3 months. (This works well for me as this is the interval of my check-ups) . Maybe your first chunk could be the next 6 months of chemo. Concentrate on getting through it, give yourself little goals such as buying a few Christmas pressies, (my mother-in-law always starts in january!) and make sure that you always do something nice in the 'good' period between treatments. Generally I just try to keep as busy as possible to keep the nasty thoughts away.

    Take Care Vx

  • Thinking of you and sending you my best wishes love x G x 8-)

  • The smiley is to give you hope xx

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