False Memories or Real Mistakes?

[Whatkindofcrazy]

Five days ago I was at the bar and I drank too much, and smoked someone’s weed pen, and got very paranoid after.

I shut down and went home, and over the past few days my mind has either remembered awful things I said that I would never mean, or it straight up made the memories up. The memories I have are literally worst case scenarios, essentially imagining or actually saying the worst possible thing I could say, that would hurt the people I love the most. I asked other people that were there that night, and they said I didn’t say anything awkward or out of line, but I never asked the person I remember talking to, because I am terrified of the ramifications if they are actually true.

I’ve struggled with mental health off and on since I was in junior high, but never gotten any help. I know I have intrusive thoughts that I hate.

The saddest part about this is I know I’m crazy now, but I can’t figure out which way without confronting this. I either said things I would never ever mean that I know would hurt the people I love most in this life, or my mind made them up completely. What I really want to do is just run away, but I know I will never fix the problem if I do that. I have to figure out a way to ask the question, without letting the person know I’m probably a crazy person. I can’t even effectively work at my job right now, and it’s going to catch up to me soon if I don’t fix this.