Can OCD and prayer be related? I have to pray alle the time. And not only once, always 2, 5, 8, 9 or 12 times in a row. Is there help?

I fear that horrible things will happen to me, my familiy and friends if I dont do this. Sometimes I even pray 3*12 times in a row, and it's really taking up a lot of time. I pray after washing my hands, when entering a new room at home, before eating (often very many times) and before going to bed.

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  • Hello Nussi,

    Absolutely, obsessions and compulsions in OCD can be about any subject, often focussed on the things we care about in life the most. So for people with strong religious beliefs it is not unusual to find that obsessive fears about getting prayer right becomes compulsive.

    The good news is OCD can be treated, people can and do recover. :)

    If you are UK based, my advice is to see your GP, tell them you feel you have OCD and would like to be referred for an assessment with a therapist with a view of treatment (CBT).

    Wishing you well :)

  • Thank you :)

  • good luck

  • Please read my personal story, it might help.

    OCD . It all started around the young age of 10 or 11. I still remember the day when that monster forcefully took housing in the midst of my mind.

    My dad , was having one of his infamous family conversations at the dinner table . My dad , with my mom and brother were discussing the bible and it's several meanings to certain parts of its passages. We then came to the discussion of the Holy Spirit . After this certain discussion my thought process and life would become enslaved to this monstrous disease . "God will forgive anything except the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit". As he murmured this words , my brain went through a chronic change and I got the urge to insult the Holy Spirit . And as much as I wanted to stop myself i could not . It's as If someone kept shoving those thoughts in my head . The thoughts were horrible as I would insult the holly spirt in terrible ways. Not only where insults being projected against this entity but negative physical thoughts also. All of this was happening so sudden . I knew something was wrong but at the moment i was to young to comprehend the magnitude of the problem. I began to feel guilty and scared , my heart began to raise , and i began to loose concentration of my surroundings as my thoughts started being fogged by the guilt and anxiety i was feeling. The only thing I could think of to relieve that sensation was to ask and implore forgiveness to god and the Holy Spirit itself . I Didint want to do it in front of my family so i walked to the room , got on my knees and pled forgiveness . This became the beginning to what would be years of dreadful moments like this . That moment that I finished my prayer , everything went back to normality . My thoughts were not cloudy anymore, I could process things better and that nervous attack was completely gone . That single thought opened the door to many more horrifying thoughts , and introduced me to a non stop battle with OCD Or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder . When I went back to the dining room where my family was , that same thought once again made its way back to my mind. And I repeated the same action, went to my room got on my knees and implored for forgiveness . After about the third time of doing this the toughts worsened . Now It was not only towards the Holy Spirit but God and Jesus themselves. It's dreadfully interesting how I would give them a face and a body. All three entities God , Jesus, and Holy Spirit had a body forms and thats how they would appear in my mind. Even though i, of course didn't know what this beautiful identities simulated , I had seen Jesus in movies all my life . That's the image I had for him. I've seen an image of how God was portrayed to look like in a red book that my grandma gave me . It discussed the book of apocalypses. This was the image for him. The Holy Spirit , was displayed in my mind as a body of light . Every time I would insult one of this entities or thought something horrible towards them this is how I would portrayed them. I never knew why or how this disease struck my mind. My dad even tough with a previews problem of alcoholism had a very well mental state . He had beaten his alcoholism and the schizophrenia he was medicated with . I am a strong believer that it had to be a generic disease , giving the fact that my sister also had a minor problem with OCD , but it was only momentary . It didint grow and seeped into her brain the way it did on mine . The thoughts began to worsen and worsen . Insulting God , Jesus , thinking blaspheme thoughts about them became a daily practice . I wanted this toughts to stop , I hated them . I wanted them to reside in the past , but they were just not going away. I would pray so much that my knees from time to time would get red and swollen . For minutes at a time I would implore god for forgiveness until my brain would exhaust itself and I would crawl into bed and sleep from the exhaustion of trying to fight this thoughts and praying at the same time. The thoughts would begin In the back of my head and slowly make themselves to the front of it , until my thoughts where disrupted by this impure obscenities . As much as i would fight to block them I couldn't . They were a force i could not battle nor control. It was extremely difficult to fight this thoughts , it was not a physical battle I could simply push away or run away from. It followed me everywhere I went . Church became a place of suffer as all this images came rushing toward my thoughts , and I couldn't do my rituals because of the shame that someone might just look at me. I would just bow my head and asked for forgiveness . I would do it so constantly that members Within the church became confused and awed that my head would be going down every other minute to plead for forgiveness . I know they were able to grasp what I was doing but I didint care . My main concern was to complete my ritual. I would speak the words in a whisper towards myself , and so it looked or sounded like I was talking to myself , which a lot of people believe was. It became horrible , It came to the point where I began to do it openly within my family . At the dinner table , it became a thing of laughter as I would bow my head in front of them , and say those words in my head. "God Forgive Me for insulting you" . This prayer became a daily thing , every couple of minutes Whenever these thoughts came rushing to my head , i would close my eyes and reside this. After a couple of months I didn't have to rush to the room to get on my knees and say this prayer , now I was comfortable enough to close my eyes and ask for forgiveness , for any blaspheming tough that came into my head. I believe that became my greatest mistake , i became comfortabe with this , OCD that was beginning to rule my life and i was fine with it. I let this bastard of an OCD push me around. The thoughts were horrible , it transpired from only insulting these identities to having violent thoughts about them . Spitting in gods face, cutting into Jesus body with a knife . Decapiting one of this entities, even sexual horrifying thoughts about these three identities began to sink into my thoughts. It became part of my life, everywhere I went it was there ready to place horrible thoughts in my mind . The store, the house , church , school, anywhere I was these thoughts followed. I was a child and I began to question god why I was going through such torment. I had never killed or done extreme bad to anyone , I was a boy with these intense thoughts . Anything that had to do with with god , or religion , the smallest thing to a crucible to a chorus at church , my mind would find a way to gain blaspheming thoughts about them. I remember at church when it came time to sing, the songs would be filled with insulting words toward Jesus or god , these images of me cutting off Angels heads, dangling torsos of Jesus , all of this was in my mind . And the guilt was unbearable . I would close my eyes and repeat to the prayer over and over and over and over again until the thoughts would eventually leave . My mind became exhausted at the end of the service . These OCD also brought horrible depression , and horrible insomnia . It gave me predicaments in my nervous system , as my mind was constantly accelerating and slowing down . My heart would beat so fast when I would say these prayers because of the anxious desire to finish the prayer . My mind would accelerate incredibly through out these prayers . I would become extremely anxious when those thoughts seeped into my mind, my heart beat began to rise because I knew what waited for me at the end of that thought; a long exhausting prayer of forgiveness , and a struggle to finish this prayer. The prayers were very much the same every-time I would reside them. They would always begin with forgive me and had to be ended in amen. The prayers were sometimes incredibly difficult to finish do to the fact that as I was residing my prayer more intrusive thoughts came rushing into my head. I had to start the prayer from the beginning and ask once again for forgiveness. This would go on for minutes at a time . I looked normal from the outside , but on the inside , there in the midst of my mind layed a war zone. A constant battle against this OCD . A child petrified and beaten by this chronic obstacle that had housed itself in his life. My heart would pump very fast to the point that I could feel my chest thrusting , my body heat increase due to this , to the point that I actually came to sweat sometimes. Relaxing, thinking properly was a thing of the past , and I thought I would never be able to free myself from this . I became very in-denial about my condition as I told myself there was nothing serious about it and that it eventually would go away . I began to lie to myself , because I knew the truth would probably scare the living shit out of me . I didn't want to admit I needed help , I didn't want to admit that after a couple of years , this monstrous chronic disease had sadly become the ruler of my life . Up to this day I still don't know why these thoughts became directed towards God and my religion. But I do know one thing , every day the condition would worsen. I recall a day that I was outside peddling on my scooter, and like always one of those toughs of insulting the Holy Spirit made it's way into my head . It had now become something very normal in my life , and a accepted norm for my family. As i closed my eyes to resite my usual ritual my scooter stumbled in a rock and I went head first towards our brick mailbox . Blood immediately began to gush out of my six grade nose and lip , i became petrified and shocked . All I could do was rush to my house and into my parents room. My dad rapidly took me to the restroom to clean my mouth , but blood continued to burst out . By the way I fell , I'm so greatful I didint hit my eyes or my head . Even tough my lip became ridiculously swollen, I was fine. On the inside I belive god did protect me all those times because when I began to drive i would constantly close my eyes . Half of the time my eyes were closed , and I would go into a frantic state . In the car knowing i was not being heard by anyone I would scream this prayers to the top of my lungs , And I would close my eyes . Pretty much I looked like a whacked out guy on heroin . I would scream because whispering those prayers to my self would give room for other thoughts take place of the thoughts I had already plead forgiveness for. When i screamed , it distracted me from the incoming thoughts. I knew people would stare at me from other cars , I would see them laugh at me , or give me a face of shock , but I did not care , as long as I finished my prayers I was content and could rationalize my thoughts at peace. I spent about 3 years slowly killing myself with this OCD. Being alone became a place of agony where my toughs would become lacerated by this disease . Around the age of 15 I began to feel incapable , depressed, and daydreaming became my only mean of escape . I relied and weld in this illusions i daydreamed, that all my thoughts and goals where part of this illusion. As a small child I've tend to daydream a lot. If overly daydreaming is a disease or not , I have no idea, but I do know one thing, living in my mind and not my present became a daily thing . I have a strong believe that this manner of thinking induced my OCD to enlarge . When one daydreams one is not subsiding in reality , it's merely an illusion , and one seems to loose touch with reality when done to many times . OCD it's a mental disease , meaning that is not happening , it's a lie your brain induces you to believe . The fact that I would daydream more than I would live reality , opened the doors for OCD to control my thought process and made me believe this complete lie was an absolute truth. I would leave in this world of illusions , meaning I was trying to escape reality , which I was . I felt unworthy of everything in my life . I had this mental disease that had taken over me and It made me feel un superior and took away all power of will i had . My daily routing became to subside in a depressed world and in OCD and I could not escape . Sophomore year of high-school became a changing point in my youthful life . What caused such a change I will never understand , but I was able to comprehend the lie i had been living on for countless years . At this stage of my life , I had already been laugh at many times , had been called names , had been mocked over and over again by strangers and even friends . Summer came and I became to loose weight . My life began to change. I became determine to change my life . And with this determination followed the cure . i gained confidence on myself and my mind , and just like a switch of a light I came to sense. I became determined to completely jilt this chronic disease to the side and throw it to the curb like the trash that it was. I became bemused by this sudden realization that had struck my mind. It was delightful, a euphoric feeling that was being felt all through the depths of my body . I could finally breath , and live life. I was able to lift myself from that mental wheelchair that had adopted me as it's own. It felt great, and I embraced it completely. Up to this day I have no definitive explanation how I was able to completely disposed of this OCD. But I was rejoiced and I was embracing every bit of this moment . Abruptly I began to jilt every negative tought away . Even thought those thoughts where still coming to my head , I understood the lie and was able to ignore them without any struggle . Slowly I began to indulge in the delight that life can be. My eyes were open , and I could finally see . It felt great. I was progressively sleeping more and more . My thoughts were clear and to some point more rational. I began to regain some of the confidence that OCD had grasped away from me . Not only so , but my incredible loss of weight also helped me escape the grip of OCD . My junior year was delightful , I had not a single worry that attributed from that disease. Even though I had become an irresponsible kid , not making the best decisions , at least I had finally freed my mind . This only lasted a year and a half ,and it was delightful indeed. It was a form of enlightenment. Not having this intrusive thoughts burst into my train of thoughts felt absolutely amazing . I could finally sit in class without having secretly murmur a prayer under my breath. I had become the master of my thoughts . The enormous headaches I used to get at church because of that constant struggle to fight those thoughts , were finally gone . I could sit in theaters and watch a film , I could enjoy a bowl of cereal , small joys that OCD had successfully stolen were given back to me . Around this time I also had just attained my first girlfriend , only lasted around three weeks , but overall my life without OCD was starting to look well . I felt normality sink back into my life , a typical 16 yr old , who would stress from time to time , but not because of his OCD anymore but merely because of other things such as girls , the next party , fitting in. I could walk the streets of my life knowing I didint have a second life to hide from society . Most of my junior year had passed by, I had dealt with break ups , heart aches , school predicaments , very much what one would expect a kid in his junior yr to go through .I had finished my year and I was on my way to becoming a senior. My senior year was very much the same as my junior , nothing much has changed except my age. I was still free from from OCD , and I was enjoying most of my days of high school. I can't remember exactly when or how this monster seeped back into my mind, but slowly it was becoming to come back . It was as that door had been reopened and I could feel the OCD returning . The toughts had come to my head again, but this time I was unable to ignore them. The guilt and anxiety had returned. At that instant that I felt this chronic disease returning I should of ran and asked for help, but I was extremely ashamed of it . I could not bare the tought of telling my father or someone that I was suffering from this toughts. I was endinal to the point that I still did not know that what I was suffering from was OCD. I was still oblivious of what was returning into my mind . The toughts and guilt came back thus the rituals had retuned as well. I saw myself in the same route that I had been on almost 2 years ago. What I thought had been a tragic fading memory had once again been returned to my life . The anxiety , the dreadful images, all were returning as swiftly as they had left. And so the mocking began again. Students , even some of my close peers would ask me what I would say or who would I talk to in a mockingly way, not comprehending what was that I was truly going through . Classes once again became a place of exhaustion as I would not be able to concentrate and my concentration span was cut short by this intruding thoughts that would ultimately fog my mind. I had become oblivious to the fact that I needed help or a radical change. This time the thoughts became stronger and the so did the rituals. That year my OCD had come back , and it would reside in my mind years after my graduation of hight school . In the morning I had to make prayers before leaving the house , if not completed, anxiety would return and my thoughts became fogged. Classes were places of misery and mental laceration as these images of god being decapitated saturated with my thought process . It was hell indeed . I would cry at nights not knowing what to do. How was I to overcome something I could not run away from. I was now 20 , my OCD had become worse by the years and now I had an everyday stress in my life which was that of my girlfriend at the time. I couldn't See her , she was the only thing where I found comfort and i couldn't even grasp her once. She would get very sad on the phone , she would cry or sometimes get angry , and I had to keep smiling for her. Sometimes I couldn't take it neither , and sometimes I would weep on the phone as well. She knew that I would weep because I missed her but never because I also was fighting this constant battle. It was extremely difficult when she would get angry on the phone to keep peace within myself because on top of her anger I also had to struggle with this monstrous OCD . The only thing I could do was console her , because overall seeing her happy, forgetting her quiet adorable temperate moments would make me feel better and would actually help me and console me . Not only was I struggling with this distant relationship , but also this chronic disease. Hearing her voice would console the horrible anxiety this OCD would vigorously bring to me . In a way I think that's why I became so addicted to her voice as it was a form of therapy that brought me peace . She became a place where I could console myself , even thought I wouldn't explain to her anything when she would ask , I held everything in , but I still felt a euphoric peace next to her. One of the many reasons why I became to love this person so much . Without knowing she would bring a gasp of air. Constantly being so distanced from the person that had become my absolute everything made my anxiety and stress levels expand enormously . Overall this lifestyle only worsened my condition and fed my OCD with strength . And it so it became a predicament I could not control, at this point it had overpowered almost every aspect of my life . The toughts were continuously reappearing in my mind . It had become such a norm within my family , for me to whisper to myself this words was an everyday thing. I had this horrible disease I continuously was battling and I could not tell any one. I felt alone in the situation I was going through. It even had become a norm for my friends as well, something that I hoped would never happen. My girlfriend at the time partially knew, people in my life would always ask me why I would do this prayers or what it is I would say. Around this time I would say my prayers more loudly and clearly , since I had become accustomed and comfortable to this OCD, i began saying the prayers more loud in front of my family . Around this stage of my disease I knew my family members could understand some of the words , and so they began to ask why or who I would ask forgiveness too. The beginning portion of my prayer would always start with "forgive me" and was the loudest part of the prayer, thus people began to understand what I was saying and began asking . The problem would emerged when I became comfortable of the place where I was or the people I was around with , once I felt a certain level of comfortability and acceptance I would begin to say my prayers louder and clearer, making the people around question what was that I was murmuring under my breath . I was to ashamed to tell anyone what were the thoughts that were constantly lacerating my mind and why was that I would implore for forgiveness . This continued everyday, I was stuck in this routine of stress, anxiety , anger, resentment , and I was seeing the days pass me by . I trully was an unhappy person , even thought I would try to think otherwise and enjoy my days without this dissolutions in my head , it was nearly impossible . I felt like I was on a path to nowhere, I kept walking and living my life but with no purpose at all. My only desire had become visiting my girlfriend , my only pleasure that I tought myself to indulge in was her precense. Nothing else mattered , and as long as I had her in my life I was fine and accepted my OCD without hesitation. I never did pursue jilting this disease to the side. My life had become an abyss depended on two things , my girl and my OCD. I couldn't write , study , read , eat , or shower without having to stop myself every other minute to pray for forgiveness. I would scream like a maniac , now I had pursued to shouting my phrases all around the house , oblivious to how deep in the disease my mind had reached . I began feeling that same anxiety that had haunt me for so many years . I had become captive of my own mind once again. A daily mental punishment awaited for me every morning when I would awake. Depression had come back into my life and so did insomnia . I was lost in my own thoughts as I desperately dug deeper into this dark world of lies and suppressing thoughts . I began to subside in this world of illusions once again, hoping for a some light. I acted very normal around other people , I would socialize , and smile , nevertheless on the inside I felt lacerated . Intriguingly, those thoughts would fade away when I was with particular friends , and especially my girlfriend at the time . I had peace because of her and for some reason I would forget these of thoughts . It was only when I remembered my OCD that these thoughts came bursting into my mind . On the phone she would ask what I would murmur under my breath which I believe she knew to a certain extent but what truly was happening in my head. I was to ashamed . I couldn't tell the person I loved the most that I was pleading forgiveness to god for the horrible things that's would arose in my head. My family had also become part if these horrible thoughts , and I felt extremely guilty. I still remember like it had happened yesterday , I was sitting in the office room of my house , when I once again began insulting god . The thoughts had translated to me insulting satan when this thoughts came to my head . I was furious as I began to believe satan was the main cause of all this , if he was I am still not sure up to this day, but I began feeling such a dark anger towards him and also god to some extent . I never wanted to accept this anger but on the inside I would resentfully asked god why he was letting me go through such a stage . After all it was him I was imploring forgiveness for. Why had he let this disease get so carried away, what had I done to deserve this daily tempest. That night At the office I began shouting to the top of my lungs insults of anger towards satan. It was late night and I thought all my family was asleep. I was stuck in the same frantic fucking stage as I usually would . Screaming was my only way of getting rid of this thoughts when I was alone because that's when the thoughts became stronger and darker. I would scream , on the inside hoping for someone to hear me so I could finally after 10 years of this hell and shit tell someone what I had. All of sudden a light appeared . A gasp of air in the midst of me drowning in this sea of pain . My dad stood in front of me as I opened my eyes . I was shocked as I knew he had heard absolutely everything I was saying . I don't think I have ever felt so ashamed in my life , but also relieved . He told me to go up to him and very timidly I did . He hugged me , and became shocked by how fast , how rapidly my heart was beating . Sadly this had become a normal thing to me now . He held me tight , and whispered that everything was fine, that everything would be ok . I knew he understood where I was coming because of his own taste of mental illness he had experienced years ago. He held me close , I felt warmth and company in the middle of such a cold and lonely agony that had been with me for years . I was always forced to struggle with this by myself since a small child , but now I had comfort . I began to weep as I knew I had finally found someone I could rest my thoughts on . We began a long conversation, I explained to him what has happening , and some of the toughs I was having. I was never truly able to tell him everything that came to my head. I couldn't I was to ashamed. Decapitation of angels , slaughtering thoughts of my family , of god , horrifying sexual unwanted thoughts toward Jesus , I couldn't . Up to this date this are secrets that I hold very close to me . I didn't tell anyone , not even the physicologist me and my dad went to visit . But I did explained to him how I would get intrusive thoughts where I would insult god . My dad divided to take me to a physicologist and I quickly accept it . I was ready to relieve myself from such mental state once and for all. As I awaited in the waiting area of the doctors office I began to perceive my surroundings. I saw a kid frantically crying on the floor, one could tell he was mentally I'll by the way he moved across the room. On my side sat a man around the age of 40. One could tell he was extremely aware of his surrounding , as he seemed petrified being around people , most likely a case of a social disorder disease. The ill kid approached him, and you could see the horror in his eyes . Across the room was an old couple , the man seemed to be dozing in and out of conscious. Here is when I realized where I was and the people I was surrounded by. It had finally snaked , I had a mental illness, and I began to fill sick , sad. It was very hard to accept this conclusion but it was necessary if I wanted to recover from this chronic OCD . As I made myself towards the doctors office , my heart began to beat fast , I was overtaken by anxiety and became very nervous not knowing what to expect . Never would I imagine I would be visiting a physicologist , or less a phsycaitrist which later on I found that's what he was . This doctor refered by a physicologist that had gone to the house , a friend of my dads , had send me to phsycaitrist , a doctor only referred to those with no phsycological help but only with medications and prescriptions . As I walked into his office , I was greeted very politely . The gentleman was aged around 60. He was accompanied by a young lady , most likely and intern. We began to talk about life , what where my goals , what I wanted in life . Eventually we began discussing the topic of my OCD. I told him 40% of what went throughout my head. My dad was In the office I couldn't tell him everything . Even when my dad left the office , I was still taken by shame and couldn't tell the doctor everything . I did tell him the basis of my sickness and how I would become overtaken by unwanted thoughts. That's when I was official clinically medicated with an advance form of OCD. My stomach became Ill as he told me I would need to take medication all my life as there was no cure for this disease. I felt like my world had demolished , but with pain I accept it the truth . He gave me two different prescriptions , that I was to take everyday. Leaving the office I felt defeated, I felt pain in my gut . I felt discussed with myself but I walked as nothing had happened . I never told my dad what the doctor had told me inside . I just smiled and told my that I was going to be ok. That I was going to be cured. I never told my girlfriend what had really happened or where I had Truly gone neither , I was to ashamed. I began taking this medication that night. The pills made me sick to my stomach as they would numb my lips , my face and even my thoughts. In would slur my words from how hard this medication was. After a couple of day I decided I was done with these pills . Even thought they did helped , I was unable to function properly, and giving the fact that my relationship with my girlfriend was based through the phone I needed to speak clearly to some extent , and I knew i couldn't stay with this medication. I began to feel resentment towards people because I desired to feel that mental freedom they did. Years proceeding the day of my visit to the doctor became filled with ups and downs . I never went back to the doctor , and I stopped taking the medication. Some days it would be worse than others. I had giving up complete hope, and I didint care anymore. I slowly began to desire freedom once again. I began to realize this would be my only life. It was either be defeated by this fucking entity or disprove science wrong and escape it's grasp. I wanted to live , I wanted to experience joy that I knew I couldn't experience with this in my life . And so I began to change my way of thought. I decided to get rid of it once and for all. I didint care how bad my anxiety would get or what thoughts came to my head I was determined to jilt this out of my life once and for all. And so slowly I did . It was horrible in the beginning as anxiety would seeped into what felt every pore of my skin . After 10 almost 11 years of this I had become an expert in the art of anxiety, stress insomnia , things one never wishes to master. Getting rid of OCD was horribly difficult as it felt like I was having a heroin withdraw . Headaches would come , thoughts would get blurred, anxiety rushed up my spine , my heart would beat intensely and the guilt was horrible . Slowly with time this became better and better . Now I am proud to say I finally have defeated OCD. After 10 years of suffering I am finally free. I still have worries like everyone else but not because of OCD . Overall this chronic disease made me respect life for what it is . It's beautiful and worth living . It help me appreciate things most people don't nowadays . Many things were taken from me , and now eating a simple sandwich makes my hearth beat with joy . Knowing I can enjoy a walk down the street without any intruding thoughts or headaches makes me appreciate life much more. After so many years if being resented and fill of hidden anger , I've come to the realization that life is much beautiful for such things. It's made more humble , and more caring but it also has made very me very strong emotionally and mentally. I used to perceive this disease as a curse but now I acknowledge what it trully was, a gift. I am not a strong believer in destiny but this experience has made relalize what I want in life. If there is a purpose for everyone , I now know because of this horribly but yet beautiful experience I have discovered mine. To help people . To make a change in a life , I have experience loneliness and pain and I know what it is to go through it by yourself and so I want to aid such humans . Turn a frown into a smile . I would do anything to help someone overcome OCD , it would be a dream goal of mine. To brake a mental illness and give that person peace would fill my heart with joy . Last week , as I bought a very meal from from Carls Jr I sped all the way to my house as I was idiotically starving . As I saw a homeless women , I proceeded to giving her my whole meal. Even thought I was on empty stomach I felt delighted. My goals is not to become saint , as I am far from one and want to experience certain indulges , but I do realize what is that makes me glut with joy , helping and giving . This is what makes me smile . As I sit here and write this I am overtaken by happiness , and delight. I will always thank OCD for making me realize such things . It was a friend that tortured me for many years but then handed me this precious gift. I wouldn't take it back if i could. Experiences Make you who you are and this one I must say has changed my life dramatically . To what I dream to be in the future to how i perceive things now. OCD did leave a horrible scar emotionally and mentally , but I hope it never fades away as it will always be a reminder of one of the most important things that helped me mold who a I am. I still cry and I still suffer, I am not immune to such things. But now I cry because I am human , not because of a defeated mind. I now suffer because I live and experience, not because of a daily battle that kept me from indulging in what life is. Seeing the world from two perspectives has made me love it much more. There is darkness , all around us but there is also light and beauty that emanates from every corner of one life's. Many have become blinded to such attributes of life. But I must say OCD did take such blind folds of my eyes . When you are surrounded by a thing such as darkness a glimpse of light is all wish to have . But once I was able to liberate myself from such mental chains , and was exposed to life, light I must say can be spotted everywhere one turns . All one has to do is I look, not too hard, as I've learned the most beautiful things are not forced. But merely to appreciate , and with that one will be exposed to the true beauty that life can be .

  • Please mine is quite similar to what you experienced. Can you please help me get over these thoughts

  • Hello friend, im sorry to hear that you are going through something similar , I know it must be horrible. How long have you had this ? I think i can deffinetley help, and I would love to

  • Is there anyway that you can contact me through facebook so we can message. I really do want to help. All it takes is a bit of courage

  • Hi friend, please I'm still waiting for you help. Insomnia is killing me. It's 12:30am in my country and i can't sleep when I went to bed around 8pm. Please help me

  • Hello Prilla, this is Edgar. Just need you to know that you are going to be okay. I need to know what your symptoms are?

  • I insult God and Jesus in my thoughts. This makes me cry a lot. I don't feel happy and I can't sleep either. And I can't get those thoughts away from my head

  • I send you a message through Facebook. Did you get it

  • No i did not. Send me a friend request

  • I send you the friend request , did you get it. I believe it is you

  • Hi, I can relate to this . I'm a born again christian with OCD. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with OCD that I realised my prayers were rituals . This was hard to grasp at first as obviously pray is important . I had to face my fear , I had to learn that I didn't have to pray 4-5 times for the same thing . This is scary at first but after a while got better. Plus it had an added bonus . My pray life got better . 1st ) I remembered gods not deaf , he heard me 1st time . 2nd my pray life got better , instead of praying for 1 thing over and over again I could pray for different things , other people etc. and 3rd , my faith got stronger , I thought my praying over again was the key to someone or myself being ok for that day . When in fact , god had it covered weather I prayed or not. I hope this helps . I'm sure it's going to work out for you

  • OCD . It all started around the young age of 10 or 11. I still remember the day when that monster forcefully took housing in the midst of my mind.

    My dad , was having one of his infamous family conversations at the dinner table . My dad , with my mom and brother were discussing the bible and it's several meanings to certain parts of its passages. We then came to the discussion of the Holy Spirit . After this certain discussion my thought process and life would become enslaved to this monstrous disease . "God will forgive anything except the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit". As he murmured this words , my brain went through a chronic change and I got the urge to insult the Holy Spirit . And as much as I wanted to stop myself i could not . It's as If someone kept shoving those thoughts in my head . The thoughts were horrible as I would insult the holly spirt in terrible ways. Not only where insults being projected against this entity but negative physical thoughts also. All of this was happening so sudden . I knew something was wrong but at the moment i was to young to comprehend the magnitude of the problem. I began to feel guilty and scared , my heart began to raise , and i began to loose concentration of my surroundings as my thoughts started being fogged by the guilt and anxiety i was feeling. The only thing I could think of to relieve that sensation was to ask and implore forgiveness to god and the Holy Spirit itself . I Didint want to do it in front of my family so i walked to the room , got on my knees and pled forgiveness . This became the beginning to what would be years of dreadful moments like this . That moment that I finished my prayer , everything went back to normality . My thoughts were not cloudy anymore, I could process things better and that nervous attack was completely gone . That single thought opened the door to many more horrifying thoughts , and introduced me to a non stop battle with OCD Or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder . When I went back to the dining room where my family was , that same thought once again made its way back to my mind. And I repeated the same action, went to my room got on my knees and implored for forgiveness . After about the third time of doing this the toughts worsened . Now It was not only towards the Holy Spirit but God and Jesus themselves. It's dreadfully interesting how I would give them a face and a body. All three entities God , Jesus, and Holy Spirit had a body forms and thats how they would appear in my mind. Even though i, of course didn't know what this beautiful identities simulated , I had seen Jesus in movies all my life . That's the image I had for him. I've seen an image of how God was portrayed to look like in a red book that my grandma gave me . It discussed the book of apocalypses. This was the image for him. The Holy Spirit , was displayed in my mind as a body of light . Every time I would insult one of this entities or thought something horrible towards them this is how I would portrayed them. I never knew why or how this disease struck my mind. My dad even tough with a previews problem of alcoholism had a very well mental state . He had beaten his alcoholism and the schizophrenia he was medicated with . I am a strong believer that it had to be a generic disease , giving the fact that my sister also had a minor problem with OCD , but it was only momentary . It didint grow and seeped into her brain the way it did on mine . The thoughts began to worsen and worsen . Insulting God , Jesus , thinking blaspheme thoughts about them became a daily practice . I wanted this toughts to stop , I hated them . I wanted them to reside in the past , but they were just not going away. I would pray so much that my knees from time to time would get red and swollen . For minutes at a time I would implore god for forgiveness until my brain would exhaust itself and I would crawl into bed and sleep from the exhaustion of trying to fight this thoughts and praying at the same time. The thoughts would begin In the back of my head and slowly make themselves to the front of it , until my thoughts where disrupted by this impure obscenities . As much as i would fight to block them I couldn't . They were a force i could not battle nor control. It was extremely difficult to fight this thoughts , it was not a physical battle I could simply push away or run away from. It followed me everywhere I went . Church became a place of suffer as all this images came rushing toward my thoughts , and I couldn't do my rituals because of the shame that someone might just look at me. I would just bow my head and asked for forgiveness . I would do it so constantly that members Within the church became confused and awed that my head would be going down every other minute to plead for forgiveness . I know they were able to grasp what I was doing but I didint care . My main concern was to complete my ritual. I would speak the words in a whisper towards myself , and so it looked or sounded like I was talking to myself , which a lot of people believe was. It became horrible , It came to the point where I began to do it openly within my family . At the dinner table , it became a thing of laughter as I would bow my head in front of them , and say those words in my head. "God Forgive Me for insulting you" . This prayer became a daily thing , every couple of minutes Whenever these thoughts came rushing to my head , i would close my eyes and reside this. After a couple of months I didn't have to rush to the room to get on my knees and say this prayer , now I was comfortable enough to close my eyes and ask for forgiveness , for any blaspheming tough that came into my head. I believe that became my greatest mistake , i became comfortabe with this , OCD that was beginning to rule my life and i was fine with it. I let this bastard of an OCD push me around. The thoughts were horrible , it transpired from only insulting these identities to having violent thoughts about them . Spitting in gods face, cutting into Jesus body with a knife . Decapiting one of this entities, even sexual horrifying thoughts about these three identities began to sink into my thoughts. It became part of my life, everywhere I went it was there ready to place horrible thoughts in my mind . The store, the house , church , school, anywhere I was these thoughts followed. I was a child and I began to question god why I was going through such torment. I had never killed or done extreme bad to anyone , I was a boy with these intense thoughts . Anything that had to do with with god , or religion , the smallest thing to a crucible to a chorus at church , my mind would find a way to gain blaspheming thoughts about them. I remember at church when it came time to sing, the songs would be filled with insulting words toward Jesus or god , these images of me cutting off Angels heads, dangling torsos of Jesus , all of this was in my mind . And the guilt was unbearable . I would close my eyes and repeat to the prayer over and over and over and over again until the thoughts would eventually leave . My mind became exhausted at the end of the service . These OCD also brought horrible depression , and horrible insomnia . It gave me predicaments in my nervous system , as my mind was constantly accelerating and slowing down . My heart would beat so fast when I would say these prayers because of the anxious desire to finish the prayer . My mind would accelerate incredibly through out these prayers . I would become extremely anxious when those thoughts seeped into my mind, my heart beat began to rise because I knew what waited for me at the end of that thought; a long exhausting prayer of forgiveness , and a struggle to finish this prayer. The prayers were very much the same every-time I would reside them. They would always begin with forgive me and had to be ended in amen. The prayers were sometimes incredibly difficult to finish do to the fact that as I was residing my prayer more intrusive thoughts came rushing into my head. I had to start the prayer from the beginning and ask once again for forgiveness. This would go on for minutes at a time . I looked normal from the outside , but on the inside , there in the midst of my mind layed a war zone. A constant battle against this OCD . A child petrified and beaten by this chronic obstacle that had housed itself in his life. My heart would pump very fast to the point that I could feel my chest thrusting , my body heat increase due to this , to the point that I actually came to sweat sometimes. Relaxing, thinking properly was a thing of the past , and I thought I would never be able to free myself from this . I became very in-denial about my condition as I told myself there was nothing serious about it and that it eventually would go away . I began to lie to myself , because I knew the truth would probably scare the living shit out of me . I didn't want to admit I needed help , I didn't want to admit that after a couple of years , this monstrous chronic disease had sadly become the ruler of my life . Up to this day I still don't know why these thoughts became directed towards God and my religion. But I do know one thing , every day the condition would worsen. I recall a day that I was outside peddling on my scooter, and like always one of those toughs of insulting the Holy Spirit made it's way into my head . It had now become something very normal in my life , and a accepted norm for my family. As i closed my eyes to resite my usual ritual my scooter stumbled in a rock and I went head first towards our brick mailbox . Blood immediately began to gush out of my six grade nose and lip , i became petrified and shocked . All I could do was rush to my house and into my parents room. My dad rapidly took me to the restroom to clean my mouth , but blood continued to burst out . By the way I fell , I'm so greatful I didint hit my eyes or my head . Even tough my lip became ridiculously swollen, I was fine. On the inside I belive god did protect me all those times because when I began to drive i would constantly close my eyes . Half of the time my eyes were closed , and I would go into a frantic state . In the car knowing i was not being heard by anyone I would scream this prayers to the top of my lungs , And I would close my eyes . Pretty much I looked like a whacked out guy on heroin . I would scream because whispering those prayers to my self would give room for other thoughts take place of the thoughts I had already plead forgiveness for. When i screamed , it distracted me from the incoming thoughts. I knew people would stare at me from other cars , I would see them laugh at me , or give me a face of shock , but I did not care , as long as I finished my prayers I was content and could rationalize my thoughts at peace. I spent about 3 years slowly killing myself with this OCD. Being alone became a place of agony where my toughs would become lacerated by this disease . Around the age of 15 I began to feel incapable , depressed, and daydreaming became my only mean of escape . I relied and weld in this illusions i daydreamed, that all my thoughts and goals where part of this illusion. As a small child I've tend to daydream a lot. If overly daydreaming is a disease or not , I have no idea, but I do know one thing, living in my mind and not my present became a daily thing . I have a strong believe that this manner of thinking induced my OCD to enlarge . When one daydreams one is not subsiding in reality , it's merely an illusion , and one seems to loose touch with reality when done to many times . OCD it's a mental disease , meaning that is not happening , it's a lie your brain induces you to believe . The fact that I would daydream more than I would live reality , opened the doors for OCD to control my thought process and made me believe this complete lie was an absolute truth. I would leave in this world of illusions , meaning I was trying to escape reality , which I was . I felt unworthy of everything in my life . I had this mental disease that had taken over me and It made me feel un superior and took away all power of will i had . My daily routing became to subside in a depressed world and in OCD and I could not escape . Sophomore year of high-school became a changing point in my youthful life . What caused such a change I will never understand , but I was able to comprehend the lie i had been living on for countless years . At this stage of my life , I had already been laugh at many times , had been called names , had been mocked over and over again by strangers and even friends . Summer came and I became to loose weight . My life began to change. I became determine to change my life . And with this determination followed the cure . i gained confidence on myself and my mind , and just like a switch of a light I came to sense. I became determined to completely jilt this chronic disease to the side and throw it to the curb like the trash that it was. I became bemused by this sudden realization that had struck my mind. It was delightful, a euphoric feeling that was being felt all through the depths of my body . I could finally breath , and live life. I was able to lift myself from that mental wheelchair that had adopted me as it's own. It felt great, and I embraced it completely. Up to this day I have no definitive explanation how I was able to completely disposed of this OCD. But I was rejoiced and I was embracing every bit of this moment . Abruptly I began to jilt every negative tought away . Even thought those thoughts where still coming to my head , I understood the lie and was able to ignore them without any struggle . Slowly I began to indulge in the delight that life can be. My eyes were open , and I could finally see . It felt great. I was progressively sleeping more and more . My thoughts were clear and to some point more rational. I began to regain some of the confidence that OCD had grasped away from me . Not only so , but my incredible loss of weight also helped me escape the grip of OCD . My junior year was delightful , I had not a single worry that attributed from that disease. Even though I had become an irresponsible kid , not making the best decisions , at least I had finally freed my mind . This only lasted a year and a half ,and it was delightful indeed. It was a form of enlightenment. Not having this intrusive thoughts burst into my train of thoughts felt absolutely amazing . I could finally sit in class without having secretly murmur a prayer under my breath. I had become the master of my thoughts . The enormous headaches I used to get at church because of that constant struggle to fight those thoughts , were finally gone . I could sit in theaters and watch a film , I could enjoy a bowl of cereal , small joys that OCD had successfully stolen were given back to me . Around this time I also had just attained my first girlfriend , only lasted around three weeks , but overall my life without OCD was starting to look well . I felt normality sink back into my life , a typical 16 yr old , who would stress from time to time , but not because of his OCD anymore but merely because of other things such as girls , the next party , fitting in. I could walk the streets of my life knowing I didint have a second life to hide from society . Most of my junior year had passed by, I had dealt with break ups , heart aches , school predicaments , very much what one would expect a kid in his junior yr to go through .I had finished my year and I was on my way to becoming a senior. My senior year was very much the same as my junior , nothing much has changed except my age. I was still free from from OCD , and I was enjoying most of my days of high school. I can't remember exactly when or how this monster seeped back into my mind, but slowly it was becoming to come back . It was as that door had been reopened and I could feel the OCD returning . The toughts had come to my head again, but this time I was unable to ignore them. The guilt and anxiety had returned. At that instant that I felt this chronic disease returning I should of ran and asked for help, but I was extremely ashamed of it . I could not bare the tought of telling my father or someone that I was suffering from this toughts. I was endinal to the point that I still did not know that what I was suffering from was OCD. I was still oblivious of what was returning into my mind . The toughts and guilt came back thus the rituals had retuned as well. I saw myself in the same route that I had been on almost 2 years ago. What I thought had been a tragic fading memory had once again been returned to my life . The anxiety , the dreadful images, all were returning as swiftly as they had left. And so the mocking began again. Students , even some of my close peers would ask me what I would say or who would I talk to in a mockingly way, not comprehending what was that I was truly going through . Classes once again became a place of exhaustion as I would not be able to concentrate and my concentration span was cut short by this intruding thoughts that would ultimately fog my mind. I had become oblivious to the fact that I needed help or a radical change. This time the thoughts became stronger and the so did the rituals. That year my OCD had come back , and it would reside in my mind years after my graduation of hight school . In the morning I had to make prayers before leaving the house , if not completed, anxiety would return and my thoughts became fogged. Classes were places of misery and mental laceration as these images of god being decapitated saturated with my thought process . It was hell indeed . I would cry at nights not knowing what to do. How was I to overcome something I could not run away from. I was now 20 , my OCD had become worse by the years and now I had an everyday stress in my life which was that of my girlfriend at the time. I couldn't See her , she was the only thing where I found comfort and i couldn't even grasp her once. She would get very sad on the phone , she would cry or sometimes get angry , and I had to keep smiling for her. Sometimes I couldn't take it neither , and sometimes I would weep on the phone as well. She knew that I would weep because I missed her but never because I also was fighting this constant battle. It was extremely difficult when she would get angry on the phone to keep peace within myself because on top of her anger I also had to struggle with this monstrous OCD . The only thing I could do was console her , because overall seeing her happy, forgetting her quiet adorable temperate moments would make me feel better and would actually help me and console me . Not only was I struggling with this distant relationship , but also this chronic disease. Hearing her voice would console the horrible anxiety this OCD would vigorously bring to me . In a way I think that's why I became so addicted to her voice as it was a form of therapy that brought me peace . She became a place where I could console myself , even thought I wouldn't explain to her anything when she would ask , I held everything in , but I still felt a euphoric peace next to her. One of the many reasons why I became to love this person so much . Without knowing she would bring a gasp of air. Constantly being so distanced from the person that had become my absolute everything made my anxiety and stress levels expand enormously . Overall this lifestyle only worsened my condition and fed my OCD with strength . And it so it became a predicament I could not control, at this point it had overpowered almost every aspect of my life . The toughts were continuously reappearing in my mind . It had become such a norm within my family , for me to whisper to myself this words was an everyday thing. I had this horrible disease I continuously was battling and I could not tell any one. I felt alone in the situation I was going through. It even had become a norm for my friends as well, something that I hoped would never happen. My girlfriend at the time partially knew, people in my life would always ask me why I would do this prayers or what it is I would say. Around this time I would say my prayers more loudly and clearly , since I had become accustomed and comfortable to this OCD, i began saying the prayers more loud in front of my family . Around this stage of my disease I knew my family members could understand some of the words , and so they began to ask why or who I would ask forgiveness too. The beginning portion of my prayer would always start with "forgive me" and was the loudest part of the prayer, thus people began to understand what I was saying and began asking . The problem would emerged when I became comfortable of the place where I was or the people I was around with , once I felt a certain level of comfortability and acceptance I would begin to say my prayers louder and clearer, making the people around question what was that I was murmuring under my breath . I was to ashamed to tell anyone what were the thoughts that were constantly lacerating my mind and why was that I would implore for forgiveness . This continued everyday, I was stuck in this routine of stress, anxiety , anger, resentment , and I was seeing the days pass me by . I trully was an unhappy person , even thought I would try to think otherwise and enjoy my days without this dissolutions in my head , it was nearly impossible . I felt like I was on a path to nowhere, I kept walking and living my life but with no purpose at all. My only desire had become visiting my girlfriend , my only pleasure that I tought myself to indulge in was her precense. Nothing else mattered , and as long as I had her in my life I was fine and accepted my OCD without hesitation. I never did pursue jilting this disease to the side. My life had become an abyss depended on two things , my girl and my OCD. I couldn't write , study , read , eat , or shower without having to stop myself every other minute to pray for forgiveness. I would scream like a maniac , now I had pursued to shouting my phrases all around the house , oblivious to how deep in the disease my mind had reached . I began feeling that same anxiety that had haunt me for so many years . I had become captive of my own mind once again. A daily mental punishment awaited for me every morning when I would awake. Depression had come back into my life and so did insomnia . I was lost in my own thoughts as I desperately dug deeper into this dark world of lies and suppressing thoughts . I began to subside in this world of illusions once again, hoping for a some light. I acted very normal around other people , I would socialize , and smile , nevertheless on the inside I felt lacerated . Intriguingly, those thoughts would fade away when I was with particular friends , and especially my girlfriend at the time . I had peace because of her and for some reason I would forget these of thoughts . It was only when I remembered my OCD that these thoughts came bursting into my mind . On the phone she would ask what I would murmur under my breath which I believe she knew to a certain extent but what truly was happening in my head. I was to ashamed . I couldn't tell the person I loved the most that I was pleading forgiveness to god for the horrible things that's would arose in my head. My family had also become part if these horrible thoughts , and I felt extremely guilty. I still remember like it had happened yesterday , I was sitting in the office room of my house , when I once again began insulting god . The thoughts had translated to me insulting satan when this thoughts came to my head . I was furious as I began to believe satan was the main cause of all this , if he was I am still not sure up to this day, but I began feeling such a dark anger towards him and also god to some extent . I never wanted to accept this anger but on the inside I would resentfully asked god why he was letting me go through such a stage . After all it was him I was imploring forgiveness for. Why had he let this disease get so carried away, what had I done to deserve this daily tempest. That night At the office I began shouting to the top of my lungs insults of anger towards satan. It was late night and I thought all my family was asleep. I was stuck in the same frantic fucking stage as I usually would . Screaming was my only way of getting rid of this thoughts when I was alone because that's when the thoughts became stronger and darker. I would scream , on the inside hoping for someone to hear me so I could finally after 10 years of this hell and shit tell someone what I had. All of sudden a light appeared . A gasp of air in the midst of me drowning in this sea of pain . My dad stood in front of me as I opened my eyes . I was shocked as I knew he had heard absolutely everything I was saying . I don't think I have ever felt so ashamed in my life , but also relieved . He told me to go up to him and very timidly I did . He hugged me , and became shocked by how fast , how rapidly my heart was beating . Sadly this had become a normal thing to me now . He held me tight , and whispered that everything was fine, that everything would be ok . I knew he understood where I was coming because of his own taste of mental illness he had experienced years ago. He held me close , I felt warmth and company in the middle of such a cold and lonely agony that had been with me for years . I was always forced to struggle with this by myself since a small child , but now I had comfort . I began to weep as I knew I had finally found someone I could rest my thoughts on . We began a long conversation, I explained to him what has happening , and some of the toughs I was having. I was never truly able to tell him everything that came to my head. I couldn't I was to ashamed. Decapitation of angels , slaughtering thoughts of my family , of god , horrifying sexual unwanted thoughts toward Jesus , I couldn't . Up to this date this are secrets that I hold very close to me . I didn't tell anyone , not even the physicologist me and my dad went to visit . But I did explained to him how I would get intrusive thoughts where I would insult god . My dad divided to take me to a physicologist and I quickly accept it . I was ready to relieve myself from such mental state once and for all. As I awaited in the waiting area of the doctors office I began to perceive my surroundings. I saw a kid frantically crying on the floor, one could tell he was mentally I'll by the way he moved across the room. On my side sat a man around the age of 40. One could tell he was extremely aware of his surrounding , as he seemed petrified being around people , most likely a case of a social disorder disease. The ill kid approached him, and you could see the horror in his eyes . Across the room was an old couple , the man seemed to be dozing in and out of conscious. Here is when I realized where I was and the people I was surrounded by. It had finally snaked , I had a mental illness, and I began to fill sick , sad. It was very hard to accept this conclusion but it was necessary if I wanted to recover from this chronic OCD . As I made myself towards the doctors office , my heart began to beat fast , I was overtaken by anxiety and became very nervous not knowing what to expect . Never would I imagine I would be visiting a physicologist , or less a phsycaitrist which later on I found that's what he was . This doctor refered by a physicologist that had gone to the house , a friend of my dads , had send me to phsycaitrist , a doctor only referred to those with no phsycological help but only with medications and prescriptions . As I walked into his office , I was greeted very politely . The gentleman was aged around 60. He was accompanied by a young lady , most likely and intern. We began to talk about life , what where my goals , what I wanted in life . Eventually we began discussing the topic of my OCD. I told him 40% of what went throughout my head. My dad was In the office I couldn't tell him everything . Even when my dad left the office , I was still taken by shame and couldn't tell the doctor everything . I did tell him the basis of my sickness and how I would become overtaken by unwanted thoughts. That's when I was official clinically medicated with an advance form of OCD. My stomach became Ill as he told me I would need to take medication all my life as there was no cure for this disease. I felt like my world had demolished , but with pain I accept it the truth . He gave me two different prescriptions , that I was to take everyday. Leaving the office I felt defeated, I felt pain in my gut . I felt discussed with myself but I walked as nothing had happened . I never told my dad what the doctor had told me inside . I just smiled and told my that I was going to be ok. That I was going to be cured. I never told my girlfriend what had really happened or where I had Truly gone neither , I was to ashamed. I began taking this medication that night. The pills made me sick to my stomach as they would numb my lips , my face and even my thoughts. In would slur my words from how hard this medication was. After a couple of day I decided I was done with these pills . Even thought they did helped , I was unable to function properly, and giving the fact that my relationship with my girlfriend was based through the phone I needed to speak clearly to some extent , and I knew i couldn't stay with this medication. I began to feel resentment towards people because I desired to feel that mental freedom they did. Years proceeding the day of my visit to the doctor became filled with ups and downs . I never went back to the doctor , and I stopped taking the medication. Some days it would be worse than others. I had giving up complete hope, and I didint care anymore. I slowly began to desire freedom once again. I began to realize this would be my only life. It was either be defeated by this fucking entity or disprove science wrong and escape it's grasp. I wanted to live , I wanted to experience joy that I knew I couldn't experience with this in my life . And so I began to change my way of thought. I decided to get rid of it once and for all. I didint care how bad my anxiety would get or what thoughts came to my head I was determined to jilt this out of my life once and for all. And so slowly I did . It was horrible in the beginning as anxiety would seeped into what felt every pore of my skin . After 10 almost 11 years of this I had become an expert in the art of anxiety, stress insomnia , things one never wishes to master. Getting rid of OCD was horribly difficult as it felt like I was having a heroin withdraw . Headaches would come , thoughts would get blurred, anxiety rushed up my spine , my heart would beat intensely and the guilt was horrible . Slowly with time this became better and better . Now I am proud to say I finally have defeated OCD. After 10 years of suffering I am finally free. I still have worries like everyone else but not because of OCD . Overall this chronic disease made me respect life for what it is . It's beautiful and worth living . It help me appreciate things most people don't nowadays . Many things were taken from me , and now eating a simple sandwich makes my hearth beat with joy . Knowing I can enjoy a walk down the street without any intruding thoughts or headaches makes me appreciate life much more. After so many years if being resented and fill of hidden anger , I've come to the realization that life is much beautiful for such things. It's made more humble , and more caring but it also has made very me very strong emotionally and mentally. I used to perceive this disease as a curse but now I acknowledge what it trully was, a gift. I am not a strong believer in destiny but this experience has made relalize what I want in life. If there is a purpose for everyone , I now know because of this horribly but yet beautiful experience I have discovered mine. To help people . To make a change in a life , I have experience loneliness and pain and I know what it is to go through it by yourself and so I want to aid such humans . Turn a frown into a smile . I would do anything to help someone overcome OCD , it would be a dream goal of mine. To brake a mental illness and give that person peace would fill my heart with joy . Last week , as I bought a very meal from from Carls Jr I sped all the way to my house as I was idiotically starving . As I saw a homeless women , I proceeded to giving her my whole meal. Even thought I was on empty stomach I felt delighted. My goals is not to become saint , as I am far from one and want to experience certain indulges , but I do realize what is that makes me glut with joy , helping and giving . This is what makes me smile . As I sit here and write this I am overtaken by happiness , and delight. I will always thank OCD for making me realize such things . It was a friend that tortured me for many years but then handed me this precious gift. I wouldn't take it back if i could. Experiences Make you who you are and this one I must say has changed my life dramatically . To what I dream to be in the future to how i perceive things now. OCD did leave a horrible scar emotionally and mentally , but I hope it never fades away as it will always be a reminder of one of the most important things that helped me mold who a I am. I still cry and I still suffer, I am not immune to such things. But now I cry because I am human , not because of a defeated mind. I now suffer because I live and experience, not because of a daily battle that kept me from indulging in what life is. Seeing the world from two perspectives has made me love it much more. There is darkness , all around us but there is also light and beauty that emanates from every corner of one life's. Many have become blinded to such attributes of life. But I must say OCD did take such blind folds of my eyes . When you are surrounded by a thing such as darkness a glimpse of light is all wish to have . But once I was able to liberate myself from such mental chains , and was exposed to life, light I must say can be spotted everywhere one turns . All one has to do is I look, not too hard, as I've learned the most beautiful things are not forced. But merely to appreciate , and with that one will be exposed to the true beauty that life can be .

  • Hi, there well that was one hell of a story and it took me a while to read it, and pleased for you that you are ok now, and it is a long time to suffer from ocd, as you said its exhausting. I have suffered from ocd for around 28 yrs and still do, I was ashamed of this horrible disease and embarrassed and this was the reason i did not get help until 4 yrs ago. I have had therapy 3 times on and off been on medication also but not now. I was doing aright until about 6 weeks ago and its back again with a vengance. I have bad thoughts and its awfull, The more you try to fight it it comes back worse the one thing that made me feel a fraction better was when the doctor said its not your fault, you cannot control your thoughts. But that still has made me feel a great deal better. I cannot sleep and the doctor wont give me anymore sleeping pills. But i am not going back for therapy because i think by now if the therapy was going to work it would have by now. The very first time i went for help was in 2012 went to the doctor who sent to to the hospital where the crisis team looked after me as i wanted to end my life, those were the darkest dys of my life i got help for a year, and it took a year to feel 50 percent better. I did feel better but a yr later it came even worse. Today im suffering but not as bad as the very first day a day i will never forget, i lost so mmuch weight with all therepeating in my head, as you no it exhauts you. so thats my story and i am battling on. Take care.

  • Please I made a mistake with the spelling of the name I used for my fb account. It is odoom osei prysla. I think u sent the request to a different person. I'm sorry

  • Hey, I send you a Facebook request and a message . I believe this is you in Facebook

  • Yeah it's me. Thanks

  • I send you a message in fb,did you get it

  • Dear sufferer I do feel you have OCD. Your OCD is similar to mine in many ways. There is plenty of help out there, the first contact should be your GP and if you look up on the internet 'OCD UK' all the relevant information is there. Please write again if you need more information.

  • I have been through this since I was about12 and I'm almost 24. Unlike you I don't have someone to hug me when I cry so it's quite difficult for me

  • I've been going through this for like 12 years now

  • Please this is my Facebook account name( odoom osei Priscilla) or you can whatsapp me in this line +233541905726. Please I'd be more than glad if you could contact me soon

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