Ok, so I've been off work for 10 weeks, I had the first set of bloods (nothing except raised CRP and - I found out on Wednesday - a 'weakly positive' ANA), I've been prodded by the physio, called a 'mystery' by the Occupational Health doctor, and now I've been to the rheumatologist. He found no visible swelling, although all of my joints bar a couple were tender, but is now sending me for an ultrasound scan on my joints and has taken more blood.
The thing is, the longer this goes on without any corroborating test evidence, the more I'm forced to question if I'm imagining the pain. True, I don't really like my job right now, and this has helped me to escape from the twisted politics for a while, but is that really enough incentive for my brain to fabricate pain to the extent that I'm forced to stay off work and minimise activities that I do enjoy? I know I should be hoping that this is nothing serious, and most of me is still doing that, but a little piece of me actually wants them to find something; not because I want to be ill, but because I need some justification now - something that will stop me from fearing that I've just created this in my own head.
Can anyone else relate to this state of mind?