Judging by the many posts on this forum you're only allowed to express feelings of a certain kind! We all develop coping mechanisms for dealing with RA. Mine is defiance, sticking my 2 arthritic fingers up at the disease! I have found self-pity, even though it's might feel natural, Is more of a destructive emotion than anger!
Not my natural home for expressing my feelings! - NRAS
Not my natural home for expressing my feelings!
Written by
Mr_Judge_Benny_Hinn
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54 Replies
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A rebel in the ranks! I am a combination, some days I think nope RA I'm not giving into you !, mixed with days of just feeling sorry for myself.
I think it takes all types of approaches of how you cope with illness and Indeed life in general. And yes I am probably more rebel than soft. Although hugs always go down well !
Good point to bring up. We do cope differently with RA and many things determine how we cope. As you said you are defient, most of us been at some time, but unfortunately fighting against something that you cannot change does eventually force you to accept that RA is part of you, not something that will go away through anger and attacks. For me personally living with RA has gradually helped me understand what RA means in my individual situation. This has been a long processes with ups and downs and different feelings. I do no longer feel helpless or angry but am actively searching for ways to help my body cope with the situation through best possible ways. Here are some of my thoughts on the subject. All the best, Simba
I feel a variety of emotions regarding my health, and very occasionally including both of the two you mention, but have never allowed myself to wallow in either! In general, and perhaps not delving too deeply into my health conditions helps, I just get on with it and try to handle whatever's thrown at me as best I can.
My take on this forum is that people can express a variety of feelings, including anger, providing it's not done in the inflammatory manner that your previous post appeared to do, even if you never meant it that way. This one takes a more conciliatory tone so no doubt will receive appropriate responses.
That's an interesting avatar photo you have, are you from farming stock by any chance? Just curious.
My take on last post was one of someone who has a personality disorder. It did make me read your other posts and replies and form an opinion that you was not a nice person..
You can stick your finger up to your disease as much as you want. It has no feelings. I think you can guess the rest.
Sorry for my miss judging your last post as causing conflict.
my opinions are everyone has a right to feel how they feel regardless of what feeling they maybe.
what ever feelings someone is having are very real to the person having them at the time
like grief-there is no right way or wrong way, its something we all go through when we lose a loved one, and to have someone tell you your wrong to feel like you do would be cruel.
so same with anything-its to be respected how someones feeling regardless.
its called Empathy
ps but being human its hard to feel that all the time, yet another" feeling" and being human its something I been guilty of sometimes
but its a good reminder to have Empathy to how someone might be feeling at that time, even if we can't understand where they are coming from.
You can express whatever emotions you like, and people frequently do. What you shouldn't do is insult those who don't feel exactly the same way you do. I personally found that the period when I was angry and defiant was the worst, and my disease was at. Its worst too. For me, personally, finding a way to live calmly with it has helped enormously.
And the occassional wallow also can do you the power of good. And this forum can be a safe and cosy place to do so, and then you can pick yourself up and carry on with your normal life in a more positive frame of mind. So don't knock it as a coping strategy.
HH .. Agree entirely. I was angry when first diagnosed, 24 years ago, but more angry with myself than anyone (else apart from a slavedriver boss but I broke ties with her.) That cannot be helpful to recovery to have angry feelings. (Many people say that anger can cause harm to the immune system.) I believe my total frustration and annoyance over my lack of control over my RA was unhelpful to myself. I'm not a control freak either but to feel helpless at first is hard. Fortunately I managed to get in a different mindset. As you said HH, we all cope differently and people come here as they often live on their own and don't have the support of someone who is there with them. Just having someone around helps many of us. Whether they talk to you about it or not they are there and supportive, usually. We all cope differently and I find it very hard to say I feel awful or let people know how it is. Just the way I am but there is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions here. Defiance and feistiness can also be good when it helps you get through. Does me too. If anyone has said .. You can't do that with your RA I think .. Oh can't I?! We all cope in the way we feel we can and helps us. I always said .. I will control this RA and it will not control me. No one is right and no one is wrong in how they cope, but insulting anyone who is in pain and feels down is not the way. Encouraging them to push through the hard times is what is needed. That is what I feel is very important here. Encouragement and understanding. It can very much be helpful to many to have that little vent then move on .... It's often needed so I would never knock it. X
Personally I think we should give this young man a break. Having had RA since 5 years old must have been a hard journey. We know nothing about his past or present life. Evidently he is now in a bad place.He is very angry and splashes his anger all around him making others around him angry as well, like this forum.We could also see it all as a not so good attempt of getting help(?)
Simba, Maybe he needs to let that be known. That he needs some assistance. I'm out of here for a while now today and a lot of this week, so sorry if I miss some posts. Will try check in when I can. We had someone causing a lot of responses and even confusion a while back here who was definitely a cry for help and they disappeared suddenly .. Hopefully their issues were resolved or directed elsewhere, and this tends to happen. I think eventually they appreciated the concern people here had but it's hard for some people here to be receptive when they have been insulted I guess. The angry/hurting people who are posting either go elsewhere to post as often people won't tolerate them or sometimes they realise they've been unkind and disappear I would guess. Or burn their anger out. It's hard though when they try burn it out on good people who are also suffering. The problems people have in their minds re their RA etc are often harder to deal with than their physical issues. Rheumys can't spend time going through all that but they can refer you to someone who can. My Physio is an expert at mindfulness and was saying that word ten years ago long before it became trendy! I say this about the psychological issues as I found it hard, as I posted yesterday, to accept my RA when I was a very strong athlete. I didn't take it out on anyone but myself though. However we are all different. Maybe speaking to a counsellor could help this young guy. It did for me early on after diagnosis as I lost my self I was told and was grieving for the person I was. I was told he'd never met a more sane person 😱😆 so that helped and it was all perfectly understandable but he did make me understand the loss of myself. I shut myself away at home and would never have taken it out on anyone. We all react differently. Very best of luck to him as I do feel for those who are troubled. I just wish people could have a little more self awareness at times as to how they can hurt others. x
My above attempt to analyze the young mans post was not altogether correct as it turned out. This became evident when he did supply a bit more information. I believe he did infact want to compare coping strategies and tell us what had helped him the most. I believe his unfortunate way of expressing himself offended the forum and the issue and the possibility for a dialog was lost. Simba
Yes as you I do believe that talking to a prfessional would help. In fact most of us.
I think you're right. Hopefully he can benefit from someone's help. Will check back later in the week. Juggling appointments and mid infusions. Mid kitchen cupboard spring clean too!
Call me paranoid if you want, but try as I might I just can't help but have the feeling that this bloke is still playing some sort of game as in his last post only with a bit more guile this time. I mean come-on, he hasn't even offered an apology! That's enough for me, I take back much of what I said in my initial post and will no longer respond to this thread just in case I cause even more conflict.
I'm done here too on this thread. I think someone is mischief making too. No Wishbine you are not paranoid! 😁
Wishbine? He he .. My apologies! 😜
Good quote except for the basic flaw the exams are the same ! I find your post offensive as your judging people; on odd co-incidence seeing your user name. So is this a spoof, lets wind a few up type of thing ? . Hopefully not, so my position is I am not into pity parties nor am I saying that its wrong to feel that for that person on that day.
Life can be difficult and we don't know of the circumstances which also impact on a person at that particular time. For me RA is something I live with and do not suffer with, however I also have stage 4 kidney disease caused by Omeprazole and yes I'm full of angst sometimes. Yes I feel sorry for myself, furious that I just took a prescibed medication and despite blood tests incurred this awful injury. It can't be cured, has no treatment plan, or medication and overnight damaged my kidneys so badly that the were only working at 8% now 21 but thats compared to a normal of over 90% in October. So unable to do more some days than get out of bed and looking at dyalasis life isn't easy. But I'm alive and warm and well fed whilst millions are'nt. I see specialist consultants and all are nice so whilst I sometimes I read posts and don't respond as its not my experience, that does not dismiss that persons feelings.
Why do you keep posting if you feel that this site is not as you wish it to be? why not skip past and encourage people rather than sneer. I feel that your coping mechanism is right for you but might not be right for anyone else. Mine is I can still laugh at the silliest things and have met some nice people who have helped me on this sudden and unwelcome journey which I wish had not occured but can't change like the RA.
Well said Medway. I totally agree that a sense of humour helps us enormously.
The context is 'we're not all the same'
We used to have that, and it didn't work well. I think it was very hard on the members to have to police things and still feel able to be free to participate. Personally I generally find NRAS staff do ok, so just Sat & Sun when things can go a bit awry. But shame that we need mods in the first place!
I agree I had a band over my name as a " volunteer " I found people did take your opinion a little more seriously! I do report most Sundays stoll tho!!
Acceptance of RD for me is the only way forward. I have very limited energy, and I choose to use it as positively as I can.
I dislike the term 'fighting' a disease of any type, maximising your health is not about creating stress through fighting or anger. I don't fight RD and never will. It's about doing what I can to be well, lifestyle and meds wise and seeking the best care from the NHS.
Then making the most of what I have.
I keep seeing the term 'pity party' being used I find it derogatory, demonstrating a complete lack of insight of the psychological toll chronic illness can take on anyone.
As human beings we cannot be upbeat and happy all the time, no animal is. Quiet reflective times, and low spots are part of being human.
Most of us on this site have empathy for others, not in such a good place as ourselves perhaps. We treat people differently, according to need, not the same as you are implying.
To my way of thinking it is quite delusional to think everyone can be happy all of the time.
Well said Mmrr. I also cannot bear this "pity party" terminology. I find it derogatory too. Wish it could be banned tbh! x
If your referring to my comment then that is taking two words out of context and also showing a lack of empathy as it does descibe accuratly in my case how I feel. Its probably what the OP wants to cause disputes which is a shame and really his post does seem to imply he holds rather a lot of people in low esteem. I don't lack empathy as have RA and think pity parties is indeed a factor in some posts which I then go on to say reflect that person or people feelings on that day. Its fine to feel like that in my view I have regularly ones when thinking about renal failure although rarer these days. So what does it matter !, we all feel down but its not alright for this OP to judge anyone or be rude about posts. I simply ignore posts which seem to me to be feeding on the angst of RA when their are alot of posatives. RA has some great treatments available to us and we're lucky as this is a disease which the NHS does treat very well. Not perfect its true but we don't have to worry about huge drug bills.
Not you ML. lots of people use this term. I don't like it for the reasons stated
No not your comment ML .. Others have used this in the recent past. You are upbeat and helpful and positive. x
Thank you as never was ever my intention to upset anyone. x
I haven't seen you upset anyone. Quite the opposite! 😀x
no not you at all medway-lady, didn't mean to make you feel it was in anyway sorry!
I agree x
I saw a good post the other day, it said--
its better to cry than be angry because anger hurts others, while tears flow through the soul and cleanses the heart.
but I respect your feelings for being angry as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.
My anger has motivated me to prove myself and other people wrong!
Thank you for giving some clue at least. So how has your anger proved yourself and others wrong?
I have 3 beautiful kids and a long-suffering wife...plus, many more experiences I would never have had without retaining a certain amount of anger...
Perhaps you are referring to anger as a positive force getting over obstacles caused by RA? Anger can mobilize energy to tackle difficulties and then it is used constructively.What you are saying is that you feel that " whining" has not helped you in this respect? True enough when you have feelings of hoplessness you need the help of others. But in fact usually the help and understanding given by others enables you to gather your strength to once again face hard things.
much better explanation than I could of writen...I'm a product of my environment... I make no apologies for the person I am with RA!
I would call that determination....which is positive...anger is the opposite.
Entirely agree...that description to me is grit and determination that enables you to get somewhere you want to be. Anger tends to wreck things, and not allow you to move forward.
Depends on what words you use. Determination is in fact a constructive use of aggression, anger is not but I think this is what MJBH was trying to express. We have many examples on the forum where anger at being wrongly treated has given strength to determination to do something about it.
• in reply toMr_Judge_Benny_Hinn
I wonder how your wife and children cope with your anger. It must be very hard on them.
I have 4 beautiful children and a beautiful wife too. I don't have any kind of thoughts of anger, have lots of thoughts on fear, and how to get by with my health issues.
I find laughter and a bit of quiet cursing with a smile does the trick for me.
But then I have had already learned that anger only brings you one thing, and that's loses.
well you have nothing to learn in this life ,have you .
I used to get angry with my mum, I wanted to prove I was right and she was wrong on subjects and issues, I know my sharp tongue would have hurt her, my mum recently died feb 4th, I now only have regreats now.
I only argued for my right to be treated as a human being and not a 2 class citizen!
I have no regret over my Father's death!
your lucky, I wish I had the same comfort as you.
I think your right on that subject you should matter and stand up for yourself if someone treats you like that, and you should be listen to if your being ignored.
Mums & daughters are allowed Veronica.....it’s not anger...just different generations......don’t have regrets .....your Mum understood & probably regretted some of the things she said to you at times.
Agree totally.
Veronica I got exasperated with my Mum too several years back and wish I hadn't but it was part of her getting older and didn't see it was also a transitional period before Alzheimer's. We were best friends and spent so much time with each other that these things were bound to happen. I'm sorry for your loss and big hugs to you and hope you will see you don't need forgiving or anything as I know you will have been a great daughter to her. You're human and getting a lil exasperated at times is normal. No regrets. xx
We should all feel free to be respectful versions of ourselves.
Self pity is just as welcome as defiance.
Yes so true I was warned once already the only forum that has done such. Not everyday will be one we say or do what the good lord would like us to do. If we are to truly be feee to heal, expression of that course as bad or good as it can be must be allowed. I think any reasonable good person knows limits and anyone that goes beyond those limits has an issue other than there fight with this disease or ones like it.
Very true!!!
I think RD has made me a better person, I am a fighter, not in anger, just get on in life the best I can. I didnt have a choice when my marrige broke up as my ex husband couldn't cope with my illness, with two teenage sons I had to work and and take on a mortgage, life hasn't been easy. Friends and family don't pity me, but support and admire me. X
You can express your own feelings but please be aware that when you criticise others, you may be hurting other vulnerable people. You have found a way of channeling your emotions and it works for you. That is admirable. 
Be kind, many people here are fighting battles you know nothing about; other serious health problems, bereavement, ceasing of employment, loss of a relationship or anything else.
Victoria-NRASPartnerModeratorNRAS
Nothing wrong with being defiant or angry about your RA. The issue with the last post is simply that it's no one's place to criticise how others cope with theirs or dictate how they should cope with it.
Looks like this post has been more productive!
Victoria
NRAS
Oh dear - Howard Gardner author of your quotation clearly didn’t go to teacher training college with me. I was trained to know that ‘every child is an individual’. That was my mantra.
Like you my attitude tends to be ‘up you arthritis / thyroid disease ‘ or anything else that’s making me feel ill and stagger on as best I can with gritted teeth - however that approach isn’t for everyone.
As my mantra is ‘ every child (person) is an individual’ then if people want to feel sorry for themselves then it’s up to them, who am I to criticise them, I may think something but I’m old enough now to know when to keep my thoughts to myself.
Wow, MJBH, you only joined the Forum on October 30, 2018 ,and 4 out of 5 of your posts qualify as "Popular". You sure have a talent for encouraging replies, dontcha? and you make such short posts too, to achieve such results. Congrats. You provide a lesson in brevity to us all.
Hezekiah was a good king!
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