Rough time

As some of you will know , I lost my mum a few weeks ago. It's beyond the words that I have.

I know I am grieving, clearly, and I know I am stressed and as such, not surprised that I am physically in pain and swelling.

What I don't know, besides meds, is how to manage this swelling ( flare).

Clearly , it is stress and I've tried everything to calm it over the past weeks - not effective.

Any suggestions?

I'm due back at work tomorrow but genuinely struggling and not sure I'll get there!

Apologies- maybe just reaching out .


20 Replies

  • I am so sorry you're going through this, and I wish I had some practical advice for you, but I think the only thing I can offer is to be kind to yourself, just because you're due back at work doesn't mean you're ready, physically or emotionally. I think the stress of knowing you're supposed to go in tomorrow will only heighten your stress even more too thus not helping your flare.

    I wish you a speedy recovery and the strength to get through xxxx

  • Thank you sazlav, for your kind words. I know myself, I need to take some time off. However, I've had both hips replaced, both knees replaced, four surgery, over the past two years. Any further time off, greatly worries me in terms if keeping my job.


  • Hello Marie,

    I hear what you're saying about time off work and it's a dilemma. I'm not sure the nature of your work but could some temporary adjustments be made such as; working from home or coming in later and changing your hours slightly. At worst, can you take some last minute annual leave, if you have any?

    I'm sorry for all the pain you are suffering, I cannot begin to imagine. I'm not sure what you believe - if anything - but I hope if there is a spirit world, I'm sure your mum would be watching down on you, shining all her love to you.

    Practical things that may help - a medication review with your GP to look at painkillers, heat and/or ice depending on what you can tolerate and perhaps a phone call into rheumatology just to make them aware, if you haven't already. You might have done these things but they are just off the top of my head.

    Be kind to yourself, this is all so fresh and painful still but I wish you continued strength to get through this.

    Sophie x

  • Sophie, thank you fir your kind words and suggestions.

    I am a children and families social worker. I guess I can take sine time off but it's the stress and guilt of leaving things up in the air?

    In terms Of meds. I'm on pretty much all I can take but I see rheumy next month, so will discuss .

    I think I'm just hugely sad . I've never lust anyone I've loved- at 50, that may be surprising.

    Other than intellectually , not familiar with the grieving process.

    I'm sure, like everyone else, I'll get through it.

    Thank you, again.


  • As a fellow social worker, I can relate to how you are feeling in terms of stress and guilt about missing work. I'm sure you know this but you can only give to others if you have something left to give....and I wonder if you'd be pushing yourself too hard. Only you can answer that.

    I'm sure you are sad, it must feel all consuming - this is your mum. Please don't be too hard on yourself about how you are feeling. This is a huge loss for you.

    You will get through it but you know what, it's ok to have times when you feel you can't. Just keep holding on;,take it minute by minute if that's what it takes.

    I hope you get some rest tonight and maybe make the decision about work in the morning.


  • Very much appreciate your response. Thank you, Sophie.


  • I am sending you hugs & my love.

  • Thanks sue

  • There is no way to rush grieving. Particularly a parent or worse still a child. Someone once said to me , loose your child and future is lost, loose your parent and past is lost.

    There will come a time when you celebrate her life rather than morn her loss. I could not imagine working in this state. It must be so difficult for you. Perhaps a change of environment and work will provide a distraction and reduce your stress ? Being around coworkers may comfort you! I do not know if you like your job so just throwing it out there. Do you have siblings? Do you like any of them? Not always the best relationship.

    There are some really good grief counselling groups. Perhaps that would provide a place to share your burden. It will take some time to adjust to her absence. It has been thirty years since my sister passed and I still think , oh she would love this or she always did this.. they are never far if you keep them in your heart and mind

  • Thank you Damaged

  • Dear Marie, I feel for you. They say time is a great healer but I still miss my parents after many years but the grief does get easier.

    Hope you get through this rough patch soon . I'm sorry but I carnt think of anything useful to suggest that hasn't been said already.

    Kindest regards Mike

  • Thanks mike

    I know it is time that will help- just wish I could fast forward to a place where the pain of her loss isn't so debilitating.

    Thanks everyone for your kind words and support.

  • Sorry for your loss. My Mum died 10 years ago and I was well then but guess stress brought on my illnesses.It knocks you for six and you never get over it as they gave you the greatest gift of love.I do have two sisters so we have helped each other and of course my husband but you feel like an orphan.

    Work mIght help you focus on others a while but do be careful you don't have a breakdown.It's tough.Maybe you could ask for emergency appointment with your rheumy and he could give you a steroid injection to help your flare.Sometimes they last a month so that would gradually ease you back into work better.

  • So sorry that you're still going through such a tough time at the moment Marie. You have so much on your plate at the moment. You must miss your mum so much.

    Could you speak to your manager to see if there's anything else they can do to support you at work? You have a massively stressful job, and that could possibly only make your flare worse. I'm sure they would find a way to support you through this, after all we are in the caring professions!! The least they can do is support their employees in time of need. You need to look after No 1 Marie, your daughters need you just now too. Take care. Mhairi. x

  • When you are still only weeks away from such a loss your pain will still be so raw.

    I think we all expect too much from ourselves regarding grief in this society. The Victorians wore black and were recognised as grieving for many months at least - sometimes years- after such a significant loss. Not sure why that was encouraged then while now we seem to feel we have to get over it quickly or at least 'put a brave face on'.

    I guess I'm saying be kind to yourself. My mum died 7 years ago after a long illness and I am still crying writing this.

    Gentle 🤗. X

  • Oh Marie, you've lost your Mum of course you'll be struggling. Grieving is truly a process, there are no rules you've to conform to so you're simply acutely aware of how much you loved your mum & how much you're missing her not being here. I lost mine a long while ago, hit me like a train & I can only equate what I felt to a form of depression.

    See if you can get in for a steroid injection, you need control of one thing at least. I know work is playing on your mind, that's ok, shows you're in the right job, but if you need more time off then book it, they'll cope.

    Sending the gentlest of hugs. x

  • I feel for you. It's a tough time. My mum died a few years ago now, at the age of 95 so not a surprise, but it took months to regain any sense of stability. And my RA did have a field day. I don't think it makes any difference how many people you have lost - you only have one mother.

    My eldest sister struggled the most of us - as first born she had a different relationship I guess. Anyway, despite being in her mid 60's she was knocked sideways and eventually asked her GP for help and had a short course of grief counselling which helped her. Is that something you would consider?

    But as others have said, you need to treat yourself kindly to and think whether you can organise work another way.

  • Thanks everyone, for your kind words and support. It may be because we scattered her ashes on Saturday, it just feels so final?

    I am one of seven siblings , we are close but I guess we all had very different relationships with mum and therefore I think our grieving is different.

    I'll maybe see the gp ; I know it's early days.

    Again, thank you all so much

  • only reading now, after dh dumped many digests socoming 2u late. many wise words n comfort 4u on this site. I used to find a quiet peaceful view, take out my mobile and 'talk' to the one i lost. sounds crazy, but helped me to cope with the loss. Sending u gentle hugs xx

  • Thank you so much for your kind words. I've taken to writing to her when I'm feeling particularly low! I guess we all finds ways of managing our grief and do whatever that entails .


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