Inside my head it's like a whirlwind, everything flowing around and around broken bits of my life and home and family situation. Things are flying off everywhere and smashing up my mind. I mean I know I'm not actually going cRAzy, it's just the ra and the steroids and all my fears are very much on full view right now....so I've come back to earbend you guys again. I'm so sorry lol I have just written/scribbled 5 pages on paper to try to make sense of what's in my head...it's what I do...as you probably already guessed?? Haha but it is awful. There are so many things I can't talk to anyone about. Well I can and have been because I can't seem to control it, but my children really don't want to hear it all. And some of what I need to discuss just becomes much bigger problems if I ever do say anything to anyone there are so many things i deal with daily that I simply shouldn't have to. I've always took on more than I could handle....always say yes, even when I can hardly breathe or move I will still take on another responsibility. I made it my life's work to see people happy healthy and loved....and now, the situation (see recent posts) I'm in? I just don't feel like I can keep it all up, plus all the additional appointments and arrangements to be made, literally 3 appointments a day have come through since I left hospital....I wish I was superwoman. I wish I didn't have to get so crippled up by this disease that I can't do everything i want to be capable of....and I'm sorry my time is running out and I've spent so much energy money and time looking after others that my own family have gone without. And now I'm here and my kids will be left without me and in all honesty no one cares. The mother of the girl I foster was told the other day about my diagnosis and the fact I won't be here long, and the fact that for five months I've had no benefits for her daughter and have thus been using my disability benefits to put food on the table rather than make payment the scooter that's sitting here unused....her reaction to this was to delete and block me from social media, go buy a mobile for herself get her hair and make up done by her devoted daughter (yes the one I'm raising cos she couldn't be bothered) to go out clubbing and sleeping with several guys at once, on her "disability benefits" it boils my blood to be honest and if I dare to say what I really think, my "foster daughter" gets all upset at hearing her mum put down. I realise I sound a bit whiney...but what about me? Thank you to anyone who sits thru that lol
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