Hi all I know this tends to be a bit taboo with a lot of people but I am finding sex very difficult with have RA I can not move or be in a position that does not cause me pain or discomfort. When sounds come from my bedroom they are for the wrong reasons lol. I have even taken pain killers before hand but this often does not help. I am under no pressure from my husband at all he is wonderful and is very understanding of the condition and its affects on my ability to perform lol. Help I am only 42 years old and do not want to give up one of the finer things in my in life. Tips anyone.xxxxx
Sex ... that would be nice.: Hi all I know this tends... - NRAS
Sex ... that would be nice.
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Bazzypants
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Yes get NRAS book on sex emotions and relationships. It's excellent with loads of tips and help in an amusing style.
My tip, have painkillers and ask for gentle massage first , take it easy and if needed pillows often help to keep sore joints in comfy positions , Just try to find an easy positions at first eg spoons ( there's a new way to use spoon theory lol)
But try to relax and if it hurts just move and try something else . I found once the painkillers helped it wasn't as bad as I though lol as in I thought it would be very painful. Oh also warm bed first with hit water bottles, planning makes perfect .
Enjoy yourself xxxx
Hi there allanah thanks for responding I will look for that book and have a read of it. And yes I agree that planning is a good idea and a must with this RA. xxx thank you.
in reply to Bazzypants
Hi bazzypants ask NRAS about the book on sex emotions and relationships, they are the ones to provide it, and I'm pretty sure it's free, hope you manage to read it, it does give you good advice.
Well Bazzy, your bath buddy is springing to mind having just read your post on baths!!
Sorry, I don't mean to make light of it as it is a tricky one. Also really good of you to bring this up on here as I think lots of us struggle with this one but are probably too shy to bring it up.
I'm in my 40s like you and also have a very understanding husband who doesn't pressure me at all. But that doesn't stop me feeling bad and guilty about not being there for him, and for absolutely no good reason really, it makes me feel less secure in my relationship with him. I'm sure I have no need to be as he is lovely and supportive.
I think I'll have to find that booklet Allanah thanks for that. Fatigue is the biggest killer in that department for us though although pain does cause a problem too, however I don't often get to that point to have to worry about it lol!!
I look forward to the posts on this one Bazzy, well done. Rx
Thanks for your post Rosie_Rabbit Glad I am getting some answers was worried to post as some people find the subject very taboo. Fatigue is a big sex killer I agree but I find mid morning sex were possible a good idea to try and beat the onset of the tiredness setting in. I feel the RA department will be getting a rush on with this book lol. I to worry about my husbands needs to so your not alone there. xxx good luck with the book. xxx
-
in reply to Rosie_rabbit
You can get the book from NRAS, it does give you great advice.
Lots of cushions/pillows and manoeuvring! We are extremely limited with positions as my knees and hips are bad but we muddle through! xx
as a single person i think it is even more difficult .. when do i say by the way I have RA and may not be able to perform as you would like ?
Perhaps it is inbred in me that sex is a big part of a relationship and quite rightly ....but no matter how nice i am and how good looking ( or not) there does come this point where performance matters ,
I am not a narcissist but i do believe in pleasing people in that way ... and there perhaps i fail in bedroom gymnastics .
Then there is the issue of when do i tell a person of my limitations ( it varies from day to day !)
Obviously not appropriate to state on a first date " oh by the way if we have sex ...you might have to be in top " 
I can dream myself into positions but the reality is just that " ride me".
Oh to be 16 again and to not have this awful infliction 
Rich X
Hi there RichC, so glad to hear it from a mans perspective, it must be very difficult for you as your expected to perform as a male. Its good that you explain what your problems are I think that helps a lot and if the person is a good one, they will be understanding and hopefully very flexible and be able to do a lot of the work lol ....only when you cant of course. xx good luck with your future conquests.
I could have written those exact same words Bazzypants. I had a very long period where I didn't even feel like a sexual person - just felt like an old lady! Mornings and night times are pretty much off the agenda because of stiffness (not that kind!). So maybe you have to think about middle of the day when you are both around. A hot shower helps and again - the pillows and maneuvering! Once you find a way it helps you feel more like a sexual person and not just an RA person and that in itself can be a positive step - and then there's those feel good endorphines if you get it right - natural painkillers!! 
That's so true Scarlet-poppy it is very hard to feel sexy or sexual when your in pain and sometimes I feel to tired, but the only trouble when you give in it becomes a habit and you don't end up having sex for a while. And I agree when you get those natural painkillers as you described nothing can beat it. xx
Thanks all for that. I took your advice regarding taking it steady and cushions/pillows etc and thought mid or late morning would be a good idea........update, well that didnt work and now im banned from Debenhams and not just the home furnishing department!, just hope the judge will understand!
Bazzypants in reply to
Fantastic leonvra you made me laugh with that comment, humour is the best remedy when it comes to sex and thank god for it. My husband and I laugh so much sometimes that we are both unable to have sex at all. xxx p.s good luck in court lol
in reply to Bazzypants
Im glad you liked it hun but im sure I will get stick from someone for not taking your question seriously. As you will have realised I was not being flippant or disrespectful in any way.
Actually the point I would really like to have added is that having been flattened by this disease 3 years ago at the age of 50 and put permanently in a wheel chair and being single I would be more than happy to settle for a cuddle now and then but would rather make people smile on a wet monday than frown.
Mind you when im exhausted I dont have any one else to answer to or worry about or make allowances for, when I want to retreat to my bed and just rest I can, which has its own advantages.
Anyway im glad you and a few others laughed, my ex wife did say the best way to get a woman into bed was to make her laugh, problem was I got her into bed and then she couldnt stop laughing....when I asked why she pointed and said "im laughing at that, what is it?", I replied "well thats a penis", her reply was "amazing! its just like a c**k only sooo much smaller".
Have a lovely week.
Leon.
Bazzypants in reply to
Laughter is a wonderful thing and I am glad you responded made a few of us laugh, and life's to short not to see the fun side of it. xx you have a good week to. xxx
Brilliant topic. Changing positions and moving about and laughing at the cracking bones works well, it's the wretched fatigue that gets me , xxx.
Sharon56 in reply to
Just read your post regarding Debenhams so funny.
Think I might try the spoons suggestion but 2 questions,
1. Do you have to warm the spoons first?
and
2. Not wishing to boast but never having had any complaints in that department I think I may at least need a LADLE so will it work just the same? :).
Happy monday all. X
I think it's important to have a sense of humour if we can bear it. Love leonvra's idea
I am a born again virgin I have given up on it.
How I've laughed at Leonvra's comments - thanks for making Monday morning a lot more palatable (even if not anymore sexy!). Its the fatigue that does for me these days - that and husband's snoring after his nightshifts. X
Oh you lot thank you. Honesty now xxx im 45 and my sex life fizzled about five yrs ago 15 yrs into my marriage I lost all interest when it became painful
We nearly split up as i wouldnt even cuddle him for fear it would lead on .. I was only diagnosed with psa last nov . When I realised that the pain years earlier had a reason I realised it was not in my head and and in dec with going off sick from a night shift job which helped the fatigue issues I got back to cuddlilng and our marriage started to get back on track .. reading this made me confident and first proper nookie in a year occurred last night (sorry).. spontaneity is a thing of the past and planning in my head is needed but by reading what u all put i realised it was too important to not try .. logging on and seeing your jokes made me realise I need to make light more often instead of ignoring the issue .
Xxxxx
That's really great news norfolkjo, I bet your husband is like the cat that got the cream today ( no puns please people lol) and I bet you feel good today to. I am so pleased with every ones responses on here to my post makes you feel your not alone. never give up trying we only get one crack at this life.. even if its a stiff and painful life we have to live the best we can. xxxxx
I have laughed about the LADLE it cheered me up no end, (no pun intended !) I feel really guilty because I haven't had sex for years now and I have no desire for it any more, but I have a really understanding husband who I feel really sorry for thus making me feel very very guilty, not sure what to do anymore !!!
Clare-NRASPartnerNRAS
The NRAS booklet on Emotions, Relationships and Sexuality is free and available by ordering online at nras.org.uk/publications or call 0845 458 3969.
It does seem to have helped many people to at least get talking about these issues openly and honestly. If anyone would like a copy don't hesitate to contact us.
We are also currently working on developing a training course for nurses and allied health professionals to give them the right tools and information to be able to address these sensitive issues.
Clare
Well this made me smile, well done for making my Monday morning, I have a chest infection, lol I have the visions of debenhams being inundated with RA people just to make us smile lol, I have been married 30 years and the last five have been very lacking in the sex department. I agree with the warm shower and the massage first, I do try to book weekends away, so it's nice and exciting, the old wining and dining, that way I am relaxed away from home and family disturbances, the phone ringing, the grandchildren, etc etc. my husband too is very understanding, and puts no pressure on me, but the guilt is vast. Thank you for all your input have a great week.
I think its a very personal thing sex and not everyone is interested in it, your husband is still there so maybe he is one of those who are happy to be with out it. Thanks for sharing your view on the subject. xxx
hi bazzy wicked sense of humour lol very funny and yeah it might be taboo for some well don't read it I loved it by the way I am 59 diagnsed in 2011 my very understanding partner is 49 he is fantastic we both misss the closeness this side of relationship brings have a good day allx-
Hi modoogan glad it made you laugh, its never to late to stoke that fire and rekindle that flame and it sounds to me that its very much still there. xx
I know what you mean.I am finding It more and more difficult.
The last few months I have been getting agonising cramp in my leg during sex, it's so painful I have to stand up and walk around!!
Bit of a passion killer!
Hi yes I get that cramp also and pain in the knees when I moaning in pain I think my husband gets the wrong idea until I have to chuck him of lmao xxx and yes a definite passion killer.
We are fab aren't we laughing and joking and helping each other along .. I would never have the guts to talk to the medical staff but u lot are different . xx
Hi all just wanted to say thanks to you all its good to talk open and to be honest, after all we are all people with needs wants and emotions. Its great that we have all had a good giggle to that also helps. I am taking the advice on board and with that book some painkillers my husband and me, I am sure we will get there... oh and did I say some painkillers lol lots of them.xxxxx
I've laughed at the replies - well if we didn't laugh we'd cry!!!
Like lots of you sex doesn't have the same appeal as it used to.
I'm too tired these days - bed for me means sleep.
The thought can be quite nice but the execution not so good! It isn't helped that my husband is an insulin dependent diabetic & is now having problems in the sex department so spontaneity doesn't really come into it anymore when you have to take a tablet to make things work!!!
It's so much effort!!! I'm sure it used to be fun!
I'm a HU virgin but its no surprise to discover so many of us are struggling to find ways of keeping sex alive. Too many expectations of doing it the way we've always done. Experimentation can be fun if we let go of the idea that there's only One Way and that's to climax.. even then, noone mentions masturbation! Use it or lose it, especially in the arousal department. Off to practice...
Thank you for your post -the absence of sex causes a lot of problems in my marriage I'm afraid. I work full time at a very demanding job, have four delightful but troublesome teenagers and a husband that works on an ever changing shift pattern - when he is around I'm too knackered and he often suffers from
thinking I'm not attracted to him rather than the fact that I'm fatigued so it ends up being even more exhausting by my trying to explain! I also have Crohns disease so get a double whammy of fatigue, I'm 50, on lots of meds, can't remember the last time I felt in the mood -we are not in a financial position for me not to work so answers on a postcard please -
How about planning a weekend away? Trufflepig, I know its hard I have 2 teenagers and a boy of 3 who is in our bed most nights taking up all the bed, and if we move him he wakes. Take some well earned time to yourselves and be a lover not a mother if only for the night, if a weekend is not an option .It must be must be hard for you what with the Crohns to I feel for you. xx
Thanks to all of you for your honesty and wonderful humour. I have laughed til tears ran down my face. Now off to try some of the suggestions but can't figure out how the spoons work!!!!!
You didn't say what size the spoons are. Teaspoon desert or table.x
in reply to Sharon56
Thank you for reply and you obviously missed my post. It was a LADLE! X
Well Bazzypants you sure pulled them out of the wood work with that one! I dont think ive seen so many replies to a post!. Seems to have planted a few ideas and tickled a few fancies if you will pardon that expression. Well guys on a wet Monday we turned a problem into the support, love and smiles of our community as probably only we could, so miracles do happen. Now I must remember where I put that magic cure for RA, im sure I had it here somewhere.
Bazzypants in reply to
Yes Leonvra, the responses have been great, there is certainly a lot of brave honest people on here and I am so glad we have all been able to share our feelings with a lot of humour, mainly from you I may add what with your silver ware and shopping trips lol. Oh and I have ordered the book that has been recommended by others on here. Bedroom ..........here we come well maybe tomorrow as its not arrived yet. xxxxxxxxxxxx and ive a stiff..... leg people leg x
in reply to Bazzypants
I relly did LoL at that, well good luck and happy reading, we will see you in........well maybe a week or 2 X
We are just like those sex scenes in the movies ...... Not . I'm still laughing and will never look at a ladle the same again .. Or debenhams xxx
Its more like a sex scenes from Benny Hill in my house lmao.. now I am really feeling old. xx
Hi. Although I am now married with a little girl, I was diagnosed with RA at age 20 (Im 34 now). At the time I was admitted to hospital for a couple of weeks and had a very caring boyfriend of the same age. He would visit me daily but things started to get to me when during our gentle walks through the hospital grounds he kept trying to get me to sneak behind a tree in the neighbouring wood and for a bit of afternoon delight! Lol. Would you believe, I wasn't really up for that!
When we split up I put myself through the ringer, who would want me, a 20 yr old with RA, who would ever understand....but of course I had boyfriends and now my husband. When you get to know people and like them for their personality (as well as fancy them of course), everything else is just accepted. If you tell people your list of negatives as soon as you meet without knowing about all of the positives then theres no balance. I find the same with friends of the same sex. I am sure I have freaked some people out with the RA thing before I have got to know them, Im sure some people have not believed me or thought I wasn't 'cool' (for want of a better word) enough if I have this sensible shoed, take it easy approach (sometimes! I go for it when I can!).
Anyway, I think the moral of the story is, reel them in first, hook line and sinker!
By the way, my husband, he also used to visit me in hospital those 14 yrs ago, as a friend. But with no ideas of taking me behind a tree, no, he used to take me for a joyride & razz me up and down the corridors in my wheelchair! Ive got a good one here. RA should never put the good ones off
What a nice story you tell, its fantastic that you have now an understanding partner I think that's more important than anything in the world. And friends who freak or disbelieve the illness are not really worth worrying about. That's the horrible thing about RA one minuet your up and the next your down. xxx
Haylo well said. I had to see a locum yesterday and as I left he reminded me in a ten minute conversation I had told him my husband was wonderful 3 times.i think that is the mosy important thing with illness u know who is good for you xx
this must be the longest post in the RA forum
I think its a subject that we can all relate to reef even if we have a sex life or not, no one is more surprised than me at the response it has got. x
Been a bit poorly since my post at the beginning of this but reading it all now, laughing my head off! Thanks for cheering me up xxxxx
Glad your better and it made you laugh xxx
My post didnt really flow with the natural progression of the thread, but I was reading the posts from the single peolple talking about how hard it is to meet people (potential partners) and when to tell them.about the RA. I just wanted to add to that bit and let people know that your RA wont matter to the right person...but the rest of the thread is hilarious & also very poignant! Well donebazzy pants and thankyou norfolk jo!
Thanks for the thread guys, a cracking laugh is such good medicine.
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