It is what it is.

It is what it is.

I nearly cried this morning. I don't do crying.

It was a beautiful sunny morning and I had the windows open, I was in my second hour of trying to move around and get dressed. I could hear people washing their cars and mowing their lawns. It was that feeling I remember when I was a child, sent to bed early, sun still shining, and hearing your friends playing outside.

I thought this isn't me, this isn't how my life should be, i love walking, I love my garden, used to love washing my cars (2 old VW's) and going away in the camper van. I haven't been able to even walk my wee dogs for days.

But in the end it is what it is, and I thought if I can't do what I love I'll try to love what I can do, so I sat in my garden swing ignoring the parts of my garden that 'need' something done, and listened to the birds and felt the heat of the sun, cuddled one little old yorkie (she's 15) whilst I threw a toy as best I could for the other.

It could've been so much worse if I'd allowed myself to feel guilty about what I couldn't do as I had started to in the morning.

It doesn't work all the time sadly, but today it did and I'm grateful for that.

You can't help what you can't help, I live alone have to see to every little thing that needs to be done,

so I do feel guilty at times, when visitors come round and I've done no housework for a week I try to make light of it but I do feel guilty and useless sometimes. I get round that by thinking if they judge me then bollocks to them, they don't belong in my house.

Sermon ends : )

Moira x

15 Replies

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  • Very philosophical Moira. I agree with all you say. No use beating yourself up, you just feel worse. Which I suppose is stating the bleedin' obvious, as I'm not as good with words as you:-)

  • Are you sure? I'm Glaswegian you know, we're not normally known for eloquence ??

  • My dear old mum used to say if your sink is clean your kitchen is clean and if your fireplace is clean then so is your lounge,but the best one she said is if they don't like it they can either do it themselves or (sorry for the word) piss off. Gotta to love mum for those wise words.

    Funny what you were saying about not feeling guilty,i was talking to my cousin yesterday via skype and i had just got back from town. Her words were much the same about not feeling guilty, " you have been to town and all round,think of it as an achievement and rest thinking what you have done,not what you have to do next" Moira i agree with all what you have said,but i still feel guilty when i can't do things when it is lovely outside.

    Hope you all have a lovely sunday.xxxxx

  • doggies look lovely.. live for the day.. housework can wait.. mine is off to the seaside today for the day x

  • I think one lesson this disease teaches us is to accept what we can't change and it is really hard not to feel guilty. I think I'll be doing more sitting, rather than doing in my garden today, as I've woken to both wrists playing up. I sometimes think RA does things just to annoy us, as I'd planned to spend some time gardening today. (That'll teach me for trying to plan with RA)

    Take care and enjoy the sun, if you've got any where you are today.

    Caroline.

  • I try not to feel guilty but it is difficult. I can't get up early anymore and always find myself apologizing to the post lady for not being dressed, pretending I've had a bad night or something. (Wait, who am I kidding? Every night is a bad night lol) Panicking if someone does call unexpectedly because I haven't done the dusting or hoovered round!

    I know one thing for sure my headstone won't say "Here lies Jo, she kept a tidy house" lol!

  • Hi Moifoi,

    You've just expressed exactly how I have been feeling recently.

    I too live alone and at the risk of sounding totally self-indulgent, I feel I have lost track of who I am without being able to function normally in my world. As you said, this isn't me!

    Thanks for the blog

    Judy

  • Its sunny here today in Yorkshire Moira so I hope it is with you too.

  • Allanah referred to it to me as ' mourning for a lost past'. Thinking about what we used to be able to do being gone forever is almost like a grieving process. I think though we must all be strong enough not to let this process go on to long.

    Oh and Moira, I have found Glaswegans eloquent, with their quaint expressions of ' get tore inta him' And ' gi'im the Heid jimmy' ;-)

  • Hi Moira, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling a bit just now. I know what you mean about housework and the place being untidy when people call but i now feel if people are coming to see the house and not me then i don't really want them anyway. It is hard not being able to do what we used to do but you have the right attitude, concentrate on what you can do and not what you can't do. I must be a fearful sight some mornings when i open the door to the postie but then i think, well i'm not committing a crime. I love you wee dogs, i bet they are good company. By the way, i am glaswegian too. xx

  • Hay don't worry you have the write attitude. It is hard to let go sometimes but at the end of the day we can't change can we. Think i will agree with the the glaswegians !!!!!!!!!!!!! xx

  • Don't beat yourself up about the things you can no longer do, just be happy that you can do what you can do. I think when we get to that point then we have accepted our lot and are happier for it. Easier said than done, it's also a reason I don't visit a lot of the places I did before, as I loved walking all day and night. My world is a narrower place for it, sometimes days go by and no outside. On the up side have people like you to think of and know that we are in similar situations, although I am not on my own. xx

  • Hiya Moirai, sorry I saw this late. Well it sounds as though it has hit you eh? I had a wee while sitting about a lot when i first hot ra, and it's true the more you r in the house, the more u notice the problems with it!

    But it's hard to ignore but that is exactly what u should do until your meds kick in. If your friends notice things then maybe they should blooming offer to help!!

    If you need to do resting it's cos your body needs it. Think of it as a pie! You can eat up a little , like your energy! But if you gobble it all up in the morning there's nothing left for the rest of the day!!

    The walking will come when the symptoms are controlled and u see physio and podiatry , until then sit back in the nice sunshine , life is still great you know, even if its different. And as the Glasgow phrase goes, yer a Lang time deid!! Enjoy the now if you can at all.

    I did go to a counsellor in the end as detach said I mourned for my past life, they helped me see that this ones is not so bad when you accept it, I just needed a push to accept it,

    Thinking of you hugs Axx

  • Oh also I told my neighbours if my curtains are shut it's cos I am sleeping due to my illness, and my positive when I was bad used to put the stuff on the doormat and bring me milk and bread, lucky eh!! See they don't mind if u just tell them, there's no need to feel guilty just cos u got sick!!

  • Aww, thank you everyone for your replies, bless your hearts.

    I know all this, we all know all these things, i have found that it's more difficult when your feelings don't match the knowledge ... however they are coming in to line : )

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