it just hit me like a bus, sat in my room trying to finish some work but the pain just got to much..i tell my mum and ask for some medicine and she brushes it off like its no big deal. i think she forgets what im actually dealing with. no-one understands, anyone who isn't going through it themselves just does not get it...i've given up trying to explain it to my friends because all i get is sympathy which i really dont want it makes me feel like im different.
everything just made me more upset...after my steroids i've already gained weight and im finding this so difficult..i worry enough about my weight as it is and now i gain weight without even eating badly...this isn't fair. im so tired of getting annoyed at seeing all my friends going out all the time getting boyfriends and having fun when the whole time i just feel like a outsider. honestly im scared to get a boyfriend how would i tell him..would he just think im a freak?..i dont even want to get into that situation. the stress of getting through all my exams is one thing and add all the stress that comes with RA on top..it just pushes me over the edge sometimes. i can't handle it all. i feel like im trapped in a world all by myself..i could be in a room full of people and still feel alone, i sometimes think the social and emotional side effects of RA are worse than the pain..i live with the pain every day it doesn't change..the world does. i feel like i just need to break out and scream and then it will all go back to normal..but what is normal?...my normal is very different to my friends normal.
growing up with RA is so different than a normal upbringing, i feel like im so much more mature than all my friends..dealing with all this forces you to grow up faster..there so many more decisions that you need to make..you need to think about your future and you need to be able to communicate with your doctors like a adult.
blowing candles out on a cake, my friends would wish for a new pair of shoes..i'd with RA would go away. everyday i contemplate how my life will pan out, will i have kids will i get married? will i be able to sustain a normal job these are the un answered questions that roam my mind.
that night i let my emotions that had been building up take over my body until i fell asleep but as everyday i woke up and put that smile on my face and no body would know that anything was wrong.