Fell off the wagon

:(

I quit in Feb this year for the umpteenth time. Last time I quit, I went 4 months before a major family drama occured and I thought stuff it! I regretted starting again within a week and vowed that next time would be different. Nearly two years later, and I am in exactly the same position again. Only this time, I can't try to blame anything other than my own very weak will.

Believe it or not, I was actually removing my old outdoor ashtray! Five months too late, but I had forgotten about it as it was round the back of my shed (my old smoking haunt). It was almost full of stubs, a lot of which still had life in them. I can't believe I am going to admit to this, but yeah, I thought why not?! So I did. And I did again. And again... (I must add that these were all my own roll-ups as I am am the only person at home to smoke) I soon ran out of the ones with any actual length, but the addiction had kicked in again. I don't go out anywhere, so can't get to the shop. I couldn't ask my wife to get me any bacca or papers as I can't take the shame in letting her down again. So I salvaged all the bitty stubs and took the remaining tobacco out and put it in a bag. I got a suprising amount from the stubs, nearly 25 grammes. But I still had no papers. So I made myslef a very basic and primitive pipe and have been smoking it since last Wednesday, although it tastes awful! Now this is running very low, maybe a day left at best. The habit is well and truly back and I am craving a smoke even now, not half an hour after my last.

I don't really know why I did it. I was absolutely fine until I saw the virtually unsmoked stubs. I don't know any other smokers, so hadn't been exposed to any oppurtunities to test my will power. I was only getting the odd crave very rarely, which soon passed. I was pretty much in the clear, I thought. It was just pure weakness of will.

I am going to have to tell my wife soon and ask her to pick me some tobacco up, or I go back on the champix again - which made me quite ill. I am dreading this either way but I think I would rather smoke than go back on them. Feeling very disappointed with myself and like I have let my family down. We really cant afford my addiction. 5 months nearly, straight down the pan.

11 Replies

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  • Get back on the horse. Tell your wife what has happened, make an appointment with the Drs.

    Look at ways of getting support, this forum is a godsend. You can do this, you have proved that!

    Remove all ashtrays and temptation! That evil weed will strangle you.

    I stopped with champix, took for 3wks before going alone, I couldn't stand them but they worked! They helped me quit, but only we can make us stay quit. I'm finding it hard but the support in here is fantastic.

    Have faith. Have faith in yourself. You don't neeeed that foul nicotine!

    I will admit I had a roll up in my hands a few days ago, was walking around the house looking for a lighter before I told myself I was stringer & put the thing under a tap. Evil tobacco will try any way it can!!

  • Thank you both.

    This sounds pathetic, but I have been *planning on* burning the remaining stubs and bacca since last Friday. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I even had them all sitting in the fireplace with a tin of petrol and a match. But that thought creeps in and I just couldn't squirt the petrol on them. I scooped the lot out and had a smoke. :(

    Of course, you are right. Nicotine likes to control us and will make us doubt ourselves at every oppurtunity. I wish I could do what you did and throw the lot under the tap. That was a very proud moment! Well done!

    Champix work without a doubt. But the side effects leave me extremely depressed and volatile. I have tried all the other aids countless times and not a single day passed between fags. I had sucessfully stopped with champix twice, so that would be my only real choice again.

    My wife is home tomorrow, so will sit down with her and talk things through. I could cry!

  • Maybe the feelings you have now of failure and disappointment are what you need in order to succeed?

    How long were you on champix for? I understand it's not for everyone, I didn't like the dreams or the feeling sick but I would recommend.

    Have faith that you can do this, this is a slip but if you want to you can succeed.

  • First time for 7 weeks, and ended up in hospital on a psych ward.

    This time, 4 weeks under constant review by my GP. It did get me very depressed again, and I pulled the plug on it and improved slowly, avoiding hospital again

    If it was just the dreams and sickness, I wouldn't mind.

  • I really feel for you Kestrel, it's so frustrating when a quit is just thrown away in a moment of madness. I bet you really thought you could just have one and then carry on. We've all done it but to be 5 months in is devastating.

    Thanks for posting such an honest, open description of what happened. I know it doesn't help you but your anguish is so evident that you've kept me on the straight and narrow for at least the next month.

    The good news is you've quit before and you can do it again. Do it quickly before the bad habits start creeping in again. You know the addiction is back but the good habits of the last 5 months are still there.

    Wishing you well with the difficult conversation that you're going to have to have with your wife.

  • Thank you everybody. I have sent her an email this morning explaining what happened. She has replied and is very supportive.

    I haven't heard of zyban, my GP only recommended Champix pills. Will ask about those. In the mean time, my wife has said she will bring me some fresh, un-used tobacco home to stop me from smoking the almost composted contents of my old ashtray. I have zero will power and I am really beating myself up over this. This has a spiralling effect as the more I beat myself up, the more stress, the more I smoke, and round and round it goes.

    This will probably be my last post for a while. Hopefully, sometime soon, I will be posting back in the "day 1" forum.

    Sued, I am glad that I can take some comfort knowing that my disaster has spurred somebody else forward.

  • Hi Kestrel

    I'm sorry you are going through the mill at the moment, I totally empathise with how you feel, we love to smoke but hate it, the addiction gets us and we can't let go I have quit lots of times and only manage a few months at best as our brains are very good at convincing us it's a good idea "to have one" and it will make us "feel normal"

    Your wife sounds like she is very supportive which is good and when you are ready to quit again there is so much support here for you.

    I would avoid the champix they obviously don't agree with you, like Deb said Zyban would be worth a shot, they are older than champix so side effects etc have been explored more thoroughly, I really wish you well if and when you decide to quit again x

  • Such a sad story Kestrel :(

    I really feel your pain and wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better about yourself. I'm so glad you've told your wife and that she is supportive (she sounds lovely :)). You sound like you have rather a lot of burdens to carry including health problems so it is not surprising that something 'gave'. I will hope that your GP can prescribe Zyban or that you can find another quitting aid that will work for you. In the meantime, have a virtual hug from me and do please return as soon as you feel able to, to let us know how things are going.

  • Talked last night. She has said that the next time I am ready, we will bin the ashtray the day I quit and she will put a big sign on the wall, counting my smoke free days to remind me exactly how much hard work and effort even 1 throws away.

    I have been trying to quit since I was 16 (smoked from 11), and I am in my 30s now, so I definitely will be back now that I have found you. Just need a little bit of time to get myself mentally prepared again.

    Thank you all for your support in my crisis. I am so glad that I posted

  • Talked last night. She has said that the next time I am ready, we will bin the ashtray the day I quit and she will put a big sign on the wall, counting my smoke free days to remind me exactly how much hard work and effort even 1 throws away.

    I have been trying to quit since I was 16 (smoked from 11), and I am in my 30s now, so I definitely will be back now that I have found you. Just need a little bit of time to get myself mentally prepared again.

    Thank you all for your support in my crisis. I am so glad that I posted

    We're glad you posted too, Kestrel, and I for one shall very much look forward to reading your Day One post soon :)

    Tell you what- you may have slipped up in relation to nicotine but you didn't slip up in your choice of partner did you? Your wife sounds like a tower of strength and wisdom.

  • I'm so glad the conversation with your wife went so well, she sounds an amazing lady.

    I know what you mean about needing to gather your stength to try again. It's difficult mentally and I was always exhausted after a quit had gone wrong. I also found that smoking was most precious then and I was reluctant to stop again because I'd missed it so much. Whilst hating myself for doing it of course!

    When you're ready you'll be stronger for this experience, next time you won't fall for it, especially since you and your good lady have already got a plan.

    When you're back here in the future and you get tempted to have that one puff, come back and read your own post, it's a powerful warning.

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