Adjust Crown, Mood Roller Coaster Begin

[HipHopQueen]

I meet with my nephrologist this week. Always nerve wrecking. The highs and lows of all of this are definitely a roller coaster and I know I still haven't fully gotten on. I'm waiting on the day when my nephrologist says I have to start dialysis. My fistula seems to be doing well, vibrating away. Why the roller coaster, well I'm just trying not to worry about dialysis, but of course I can't totally not worry. I've been trying to think about what being hooked up to a machine will feel like for four hours. My mind is thinking how will I be hooked up for four hours, what if I have to pee, what if it hurts and is hard to tolerate. How will I endure this journey. I'm scared, sad, but my therapist asked me if I was angry and I said no. I think I've currently moved pasted that stage of course I'm sure it will be revisited. Is there any way to embrace this journey?To fight and be hopeful that my kidney will come. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive, to avoid letting my crown fall. Now to throw a little hip hop trivia in here. What rapper's birthday was this past weekend? He's no longer with us in the flesh, but his music is simply iconic.

[Hidden]

Hi Queen. I am glad to hear that your fistula is working well. Your emotional reaction to what you are experiencing is to be expected. I am on PD and can only comment on what my dad experienced when he was on HD. Mindset is important. You have to keep positive. Going on dialysis of any kind is anxiety provoking in the beginning, but you will get used to it. Did anyone tell you that you lose the ability to urinate on HD? You will. The ability returns with a transplant. In the meantime, if you have to urinate, a nurse will disconnect you and reconnect you, I assume. In my experience, not knowing when I would need dialysis was the worst part. I actually felt relief once I started. I also began to improve after a few weeks of dialysis. Keep focused on this... The fact that you will begin to feel better. Long live the queen! 😊

[HipHopQueen in reply to Hidden]

Thank you blue sky Angel. Your words brought me some comfort. I appreciate them.