a nurse or a daughter

hi all! im hoping everyone is happy and living life to its fullest

here is my story.

my mom was diagnosed with ESRD and started hemodialysis three years ago. i then decided to train and become one of the HD nurses. As i continue with my profession, i get to learn a lot of things that can also be applied to my mom. An example of it is on her diet. i get to understand what should and should not be eaten by ESRD patients. if i restrict her with her diet (w/c is good for her) she ends up being upset and not eating at all (w/c is not good). its difficult to be a daughter and a nurse at the same time. i wish i can stand just being a nurse to her instead of being her daughter, maybe then she will listen and understand me.

[KidneyCoach NKF Ambassador]

Hi there. One of the very worst things as a dialysis patient is to be treated like a child. Being treated as though we are unable to self-manage our own care is disrespectful and unnecessary. There is nothing a patient should not eat (except starfruit), rather limited, in moderation not E-liminated. Allow your mom to become educated about diet and fluid limits and adjust her own dietary needs. Your job as a daughter and as a nurse is not to do it for her (i.e., "restrict her with her diet"), rather allow her the control to self-manage on her own. You are there as a support person to help or assist when needed or asked. And please never use the term compliant, it is demeaning and puts the staff in a parental position. We want to be treated as persons, capable of controlling our lives, making our own decisions and not needing to be talked down to or treated like a child. Hard as this may be to hear, I hope you'll truly listen when I say it is not her job to listen and understand you. It is your job to listen and understand HER. kidneyschool.org is a great place to get information on CKD and ESRD/kidney failure. They have great little online modules to educate. The clinic social worker and dietitian should also be supporting your mom through this. Lastly, what does your mom say? Think? Feel? Does she want you to control/restrict her diet? I know if my grown daughter tried to control what I eat I'd just refuse to eat at all too. Its better for her to eat what she wants than to refuse food altogether, she needs her protein. I apologize if this offends, I don't mean to. My goal is merely to inform, educate so your mother can become empowered for herself. PM me if you want to chat more. Many Blessings

[cs65 NKF Ambassador]

I think you are too close to your mom and she does not want to hear about her diet from you. I think you should have the renal dietitian have those kinds of talks with her, giving her suggestions about how to get the foods and drinks she should have and which ones to limit to come closer to her dietary goals (phosphorus, potassium, sodium and all the others.) In the end it is up to her whether she eats or drinks the "right" things. She may find she has a better time at treatment if she can avoid cramps or headaches by eating right.

[TheOther_MrsRobinson]

I whole heartedly agree with both of these responses. You are clearly overwhelmed, which I very hard to prevent as a caregiver alone, and then you became a healthcare professional BECAUSE of your caregiving. You literally made your whole LIFE about caring for your mom. You will kill yourself if you try to force your mom to do anything. You have to find ways go get the nutrients she needs without fighting her for it.and, if she refuses to eat, then there is really nothing you can do. I understand your thought process, as I was a healthcare professional before I married my ESRD husband and I considered becoming a CAPD nurse as well. But you can't force your husband, or any other patients to "listen to you". Like the other young lady said, your job is not to FORCE anyone. ASK your mother "i love you and I only want whats best for you. However, i understand and respect that you can make your own decisions ( as long as she is of sound mind. ) What can I do go help you eat so you won't get even more I'll ?". That way, you can listen to her and by giving her a chance to voice HER feelings, she will feel not only in control, but that you truly do care about her, even if you dont agree.

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Thanks guys...i get to understand her better 😉 God bless

[Kimberbaby]

First of all,wow you are a dedicated and good daughter to go above and beyond by becoming a nurse to help mom. Congrats on that! I can imagine it is hard for mom to get that you are now an expert with esrd and know importance of diet, etc but she probably doesn't want to give up food she likes. I don't know how old mom is but mine is 74, and couldn't care less about food. I beg her to eat and it takes forever to do it but she eventually does. I don't know how to get Mom to understand your dual roles, hope she gets used to it as time goes on. God bless and Merry Christmas!