Hey all, this isn't entirely kidney related but I feel like I need some support from the group. My dog got cancer in October and passed away a few weeks ago. My partner and I occasionally disagreed on his care, sometimes she forgot his cancer pills, and it made me rather upset when those things would happen so I would have a tone which we worked on as a couple. We've always had strong communication and practiced I feel statements often to address problems in the relationship not within each other. I proposed to her during our fundraiser where we're trying to raise money for our dog with cancer, and our friends and our family they were all around, it was a really nice event we had a pretty nice event and a decent turnout. I thought let's not have this entire day just dedicated to a sad day where we're trying to raise money for our dogs cancer so I went to drop to one knee and I propose to her and she said yes but the problem was a couple weeks maybe even a month later I don't remember, she had sat me down and looked me in the eyes and said hey I want you to redo the engagement so I asked her why and she said that she doesn't want that the happiest day of her life to be paired with a sad day and then I told her I understood I mean yeah it hurt a little bit to for her to tell me to redo the engagement but I was willing to do it she also then said that she did not like the ring, she informed me that she didn't like the ring because she's not a ring person and I told her as a compromise, prior to buying the ring that I would get her a silver necklace so that when I can wrap it around her neck cuz I know she's self-conscious about her her fingers she went on this spiel and said that she didn't feel like she was appreciated she didn't feel like she was involved in the decision I mean she also wasn't happy with the fact that I tried to at least plan half of the wedding by myself because I knew she was overwhelmed and one of her dreams was to have both of our dogs at the wedding so I felt like in order to make that dream come true for her I had to rush the wedding, all I did was make a small presentation with how the wedding tenetively could look well she didn't like that either and the thing was is that I figured that we could just have a small wedding and have a bigger one later, I just wanted to make her dream come true and having both her dogs present in the wedding since one had cancer . The point is this is just context too what's been going on and so yeah naturally my mental health hasn't always been the best ever since I started trying to figure out what's going on with me I mean going from Doctor to doctor taking multiple tests now figuring out that it probably is kidney disease stage 2 naturally, like I'm terrified I mean why wouldn't I be so she says that I haven't been making sure she is taken care of, when I asked her for examples and she gave me the examples she acknowledged that she may not have remembered everything the way that she should have and she didn't take it to the account that I'm giving her as much as I can considering everything that I'm going through I mean I've been to a neurologist I've been to a cardiologist I've been to every doctor in the Dayton area at this point just to figure out what's been going on with me and what started causing the nerve tingling so now after that conversation she basically said that she wanted me to go start seeing a counselor I told her that I would at least consider it considering the fact that I also am in the counseling field myself and I actually do talk to one of my colleagues quite often about my mental health we have kind of like informal sessions just whenever she's available but I don't really need it all the time but I am fully aware that therapy is beneficial as well, she wasn't satisfied with that she said that "no I think you need to see a different person someone that doesn't already know you so I can be involved " but I informed her that you know as a provider myself part of the process is getting to know the person before you really start getting into the work so my current well I guess you could say therapist even though she's a colleague she already knows you pretty well so we were able to jump right into it. She was very helpful and was really giving me some good tips on what I can do well my fiance who doesn't even want to announce our engagement to anybody for whatever reason basically said that that wasn't enough and that I was basically too much for her at this moment in time and she basically said if I don't get a therapist outside of who I'm already talking to then she would have to consider taking a separation from the relationship and that really bothered me because I felt like I was being pressured into doing something that I was either a not ready to do B didn't feel like I needed at that time because I was still trying to figure out what was going on with me or C if I didn't meet her conditions then she would leave me and that just didn't sit right with me since I've never been in a situation for the last seven years we've been together where I felt like the relationship was in danger I mean like I said she used to tell me everything and I tell her everything and we've always been able to work out our differences we always will talk about it but lately ever since our dog got cancer I mean once she gets stressed she leaves the house and she might go to a friend's house for days and the thing is it's like the stress might not even be related to anything that we talked about sometimes she would just wake up and decide that she needs a break from the whole dog and cancer thing and she just take off and leave me at home with our dog with cancer trying to take care of him and all that stuff and so when she would come back she claims that she would be refreshed but then not even a week or two later she would take off again and I felt like she was starting to interact with another male I don't think she was but and she's never gave me a reason not to believe it before but like you know stressful circumstances and considering the fact that like I know she has a guy friend that she occasionally stays with but I've had no reason not to trust her but I have asked her before to like to dial back how often she visits him because I don't want him to get in the wrong idea and I don't want her being in on emotional state to make a bad decision that would impact our relationship that we might not be able to recover from and but she's never given me any reason to think that before well after that ultimatum I haven't really felt secure in our relationship I was able to compromise with her and ask her but hey like just give me a month to try and see if I can get myself better through the support groups I've been finding online and so she agreed she says she realized that she might have approached the situation very poorly and that she does acknowledge me making efforts trying to get better but I just don't feel I don't feel safe right now because now that I do have a condition that might change how I live my life it seems like she's just getting further and further away I mean like yeah I'm not 100% all the time there are some days where I feel low and there are some times where I've expressed to her I feel that she is taking a lot of time away from me or she doesn't always show up when I ask her to or I feel like I need her to but I understand she needs space it's a lot going on in our house right now and so I told her about that again a couple nights ago but I even explained to her I said hey this is just kind of me probably being irrational I don't think that she's not being supportive of me I mean she's made a lot of changes in order to make things easier for me yet somehow the conversation today she basically said that she's unhappy for the last 6 months she doesn't think I'm giving her what she needs and she acknowledges that I'm trying but she says it's not enough and she basically said that if we don't do couples counseling she's going to need to take a break from relationship and decide whether or not that she can handle something not changing for the long term but she's not really telling me like what to change and the thing is I don't understand why I have to change just because I'm having some occasional bad days every couple months like I'm I'm fighting for us here and it just seems like she's really open to being without me and it's just been really difficult and I kind of just wanted to hear some other people's input it's really sorry for a long wall of text but any any support would be greatly appreciated I'm just feeling like if I have any feelings towards my condition or if I try to talk about my condition I feel as though that I get automatically directed to what you need therapy rather than hey what can I do to support you or hey I understand you're struggling right now maybe you should consider therapy instead she's telling me I need to go do it or I'm going to lose her and she told me that again tonight and she's not here tonight she left again I admit told her I was getting frustrated with a relationship and I basically said that I'm done with, I'm done with this like I'm really done with this game that it feels like we're playing where if I don't do what she wants then she threatens the relationship and I don't know if this is her way of trying to help me or what but it's really starting to get to me down because the only times I really talk to my therapist friend is when we've when she's come to me with these problems without like any prior warning or like any like previous conversations like hey like you know I'm feeling unhappy let's let's work on this together it's it's a straight order, improve or I leave and the thing is I'm still actively trying to cope with the fact that this is might be my life now any support would be greatly appreciated.
CKD 2 and relationship : Hey all, this isn't... - Kidney Disease
CKD 2 and relationship
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so stressed. I strongly advise you to look into some meditation techniques and deep breathing exercises. I do agree with your fiancée that you both need to go to couples counseling. Someone new to you both. I’d be shelving marriage plans for now. You’re both still grieving the loss of your dog. Doesn’t sound like an ideal start to a marriage when your gf leaves the house for days and you’re not even sure where she is. After seven years together that’s a huge red flag that she’s not happy. Sometimes relationships just run their course. You need to both have an honest conversation with each other about whether you want to be together for ever then if you both do, get couples therapy and take guidance from there. Just my opinion. Good luck
I really appreciate your comment and thanks for reading. I haven't had much else to turn because when I talk about my fears at home she tells me not to talk about it or that she's tired of hearing about it she seems so cold now. That's the thing, we've worked through so much and understand that being together as a couple is work and that it is a choice to love one another. I'm not convinced she's wanting counseling to save us but just as an attempt to justify leaving. 7 years of me being there for her during her therapy, learning to cook due to her disease, the nights do flashbacks, the screaming, all of it I did that for 4 years before treatment really took off. I've been struggling for the last 4 months and she's ready to go. We have always spoken openly and honestly, now she's keeping things from me or holding me accountable for how I used to handle a crisis, I'm not the same right now, and the fact the counseling isn't my issue it's the fact she threatens to leave if I don't. Does that sound like she's trying to save it?
no.thats a control freak.a real girlfriend would be at your side thru all this no matter what.if i were in the situation i would want counseling with my partner to see what was going on.threatening to leave your spouse is a classic manipulation trick.me personally as a female id show her and her belongings the front door.you have enough to deal with....but thats just my opinion after 17 years of marriage
sorry if i came across as harsh but you deserve better than this and if someone had bought me a ring and a full wedding i wouldve been doing backflips.we were married in a county home 17 years ago with less than 80 dollars to our names....its whats between you thats important not the ring or even the ceremony.if shes not willing anymore....
You're fine, I appreciate the passionate rest and it helped me feel supported.
i hope so .i get upset when i see people being done wrong and i dont always have a filter.old fart here
I'm sure there are things that could be done better on my part as well, I've written down what she has asked me to improve on, but it feels one sided and that there is a time limit to my healing. I appreciate your compassion to my situation.
Awful situation there's no denying, but you are making excuses for her behaviour.She's angry, boy is she angry, she's also a master manipulator. She needs counselling herself first, before any couples counselling could be considered.
You appear to be rational, caring and non-confrontational.
Your partner is well aware of this and is using it against you.
Ultimatums rarely work and have no place in balanced, healthy relationships.
Normally I would advocate trying to address the issues with the help of a professional, but honestly, I don't have much optimism for your "relationship" its just too toxic, and she has no respect for you. You deserve better, end of . .
I'd be packing my bags and outta there for good.
When one truly finds a partner that is compatible, then there are few arguments, little one-upmanship, easy communication, etc. If the relationship then winds up in marriage, the marriage isn't "hard work" as many assume. Sure, there will be high moments and low moments - but rarely will there be a need to hurdle angry or hurtful words, disappear from sight, etc. I say this as someone who will soon celebrate the 47-year long marriage with my hubby. (I knew him for 51 years). We have remained steadfastly at each other's side - including (in my hubby's case) his kidney journey. So, look at your needs and give careful consideration to what is possible and makes you comfortable. Listen, too, to that small quiet voice (your inner compass). What's it saying to you? It's there taking care of you. People come and people go. We can only live our very lives. I am me - I can't be anyone else. Truly, it doesn't matter if you're single, married, or whatever. So know yourself - and then surround yourself with those who share your interests, support you, love you, and can go the distance with you. Good things do happen - promise!
I appreciate your input. I'm trying to be understanding because I know she's grieving as well but I feel that she is projecting some of that pain into negative perceptions of me which has exacerbated the issues. I agree, the hurtful comments and disappearing is a problem. I especially appreciate the positivity in your comment. I'm going to make one last ditch effort for her to hear me because my concern is that the counselor won't get through to her either at this point.
Doubt stage 2 ckd would cause symptoms. Sounds like you’re pretty confused and maybe not feeling other people clearly
The nerve tingling is what led me to go to the doctor and I found out about the stage 2. Please don't misunderstand, it is isn't possible to fully understand the scope of how someone else's feels which is why functional communication is important, the ability to conceptualize feelings. It is unlikely to every identify someone's true feelings without talking to them which is the problem I conveyed.
However, revisiting your comment, I do not deny that my cognition is divided so misinterpreting is possible and I am undoubtedly confused on what to do next. I have requested clarification to the why behind her words but to no avail at this moment. Hopefully, we'll be able to talk more soon. Thanks for your comment and your time.
Sad to say ,but you're the only one in this relationship. Right now, you need to get involved in some "real " individual therapy for yourself and figure out how to extricate yourself from this situation without any more damage to your mental health. Talking to a friend or a colleague can be helpful but it is not the psychotherapy you desparately need. Sorry to hear about your dog, however, try to look at the good memories that you had with this pet to help you deal with this loss. Appreciate yourself for trying to ease its suffering and doing what you could to help.
Most important is all this immense stress is keeping you from dealing with your medical issues.
You sound like you're a good, caring person. I recommend that you start caring better for yourself today and let others take care of themselves.
I try to be, sometimes it feels like I've been grunting the relationship ever since her disease, her mental health spiral over the years and now it is my turn to struggle I'm responded with "I can't handle you". We've been fighting her diagnoses for the last 5 years together, now I'm struggling and the reciprocity doesn't feel present. I've talked to someone yesterday, we didn't even talk about my health, we just talked about her because that's where I feel I cannot cope. My health, my dog, I've got a long list of coping skills but when it comes to her threatening the relationship after 4 months of me struggling it feels like a transactional thing "now that you cannot provide my needs, get therapy or I leave" is how I perceived it. She didn't say that harsh but she did specify that she doesn't feel like her needs are met and she wants to build me back up as soon as possible so she can get support from me again. She says the support I do give doesn't compare to what it used to be and therefore what I'm doing now is not enough for her.
Hi there, I am a licensed therapist too and I did divorce my husband after a 17 year long relationship and two kids after he refused to do counseling together. He was also a therapist and his ego got in the way.
If you are a counselor and see the benefit for others, why wouldn’t you do it for your relationship? A friend and colleague cannot be objective. It’s appropriate that she wants a new neutral therapist to help you as a couple. That is good boundaries.
If it’s not too late, I would consider a new counselor for couples issues and you can continue individual work elsewhere. However sharing with a friend, even a therapist friend, is not the same as being in therapy. Friends are biased. Colleagues may not feel free to be 100% direct and clear as an objective therapist would as they have a vested interest in remaining colleagues.
I also have stage 2 CKD and my husband was on dialysis and had 2 kidney transplants. It’s okay to ask for help, even when you are in the biz.
I should have been more specific, she is a colleague and my relationship with her is business only but she is aware of who I am to where I didn't feel the need to waste time building that relationship. I do agree a neutral party is beneficial however I needed the support relatively quickly. In this case, the issue is more that I've been presented with ultimatum after ultimatum. When she was diagnosed with her disease 5 years ago, she was distraught for three years because she was battling PTSD as well, I stuck by her until she started to improve which was three years into services. The first two years of our relationship is when I noticed she was having nightmares, flash backs, and unexplained triggers. There were memories her mind repressed and conclusions her mind created to keep her from processing that pain. I do appreciate your input. In terms of my own counseling, I haven't felt like I needed it except during the times when my coping skills were not enough and I've only experienced those intense feelings after being told she plans to leave if I don't seek help but she projects every issue as my own not considering how I'm reacted to plays a role. I've started talking to someone myself after this second time.
Glad that you are getting the support you need. I don’t see it as an ultimatum as much as a cry for help. Her asking for a neutral 3rd party and couples counseling may be a “bid” as detailed by John Gottman in his seminal relationship theory. She may want it to be a healthy and loving relationship but feels it needs a guide. Sometimes a neutral 3rd party helps the couple share in a more emotionally safe way that makes each person feel more heard, especially if there are issues with “fighting fair”.
Healthy evolved relationships aren’t transactional. Just because you were patient, kind, and supportive during her healing doesn’t mean she “owes” you. However, I think we all want a partnership in which our beloved would want to give and be present. I don’t think saying “I’m unhappy and I want to work on this relationship or I can’t continue” is too much to ask. Sometimes the couples counseling helps each person clarify individual needs which may or may not include continuing as a couple.
I wish you both the best.
I agree with your statement, it isn't transactional but I feel that is what it has become. She told me "I've taken up the mantle for 4 months, i can't do that anymore. You did it for years but I'm not you". Which I respect that she acknowledges that she isn't me and I try not to hold her to that expectation. The response felt like "you're not giving me your 100% so that isn't enough" but if 50% is all I have and I give that to her I'm giving 100% of what I have available. I don't believe she owes me but I've asked for grace while I recover. She actually didn't tell me she wasn't happy until recently so naturally I took that very seriously because she's my world. I can definitely see it as a cry for help but couldn't the argument be made she's trying to get help for something she's combating? Something she may be lacking but displacing to her outside world? She often details how she doesn't think she is doing the best job as a partner so I often try to reassure her. I appreciate your alternative perspective to what she was saying and it gives me something else to think about in terms of her motivations but the delivery, the time frame, it all hurts because I feel like she's not committed as much as I am but that may just be the hurt feelings talking. I am going to approach the topic with some of the ideas I took from you and hope she'll talk to me about it. Your time has been invaluable and I want you to know I read your every last word to drawing a third perspective to my situation.
Let me also add, I'm so sorry your marriage ended that way. It sounded like you fought for your team but because your partner didn't believe there was nothing he could not solve it ended with you not feeling heard. That had to be difficult and I honestly cannot imagine what that was like. I may be heading down a similar route but you actually have lived it, I'm so sorry.
Thank you. Life is hard. Even harder when you have a chronic or terminal illness. Relationships take work by both parties and if only one is willing to do the work, then each person has to decide for themselves whether staying in the relationship is what they want. Often it isn’t for a lack of love. You can love someone and still choose to leave. Sometimes leaving is choosing you. People don’t need to sacrifice themselves or be co-dependent. Love may be unconditional but being in relationship is not. People shouldn't stay if there is abuse or neglect and may reasonably choose to leave if there is overall unhappiness that isn’t making progress.
As a therapist, I find most couples come into counseling too late. Often the counseling sessions are about helping them end the relationship rather than healing it because trust is broken and too much has been said and done. I’ve also seen it save relationships and create stronger, more loving and fulfilling connections - but both people need to do the work. Good luck!
It was really helpful. It was not so much the counseling was the issue it was the demand, it was me communicating to her I needed to talk about my anxieties every now and then, but everytime I expressed a feeling her first thought was "you need counseling". Being provider yourself we both know people do not tend to get services without "socially significant reason" that is specific, detailed, almost a guide map to "why" they need it. We both know court ordered therapy isn't always immediately successful but why? Because people are being "told" to get help. This is how I compare the feeling, she has ordered me to get help and used our relationship as the carrot to guide me to it "get therapy or I leave". The first time therapy was thrown on the table, she asked me if I'd consider it, I did, I researched my company's employee support program which provided free services for the first 3-5 sessions. She said if I didn't find anyone within two weeks time she'd push harder and wouldn't take "consider" as an answer . Naturally that made me felt unheard and forced. The second time she brought it up, two weeks later, she said "I told you I'll push harder. No therapy I'm leaving" she had yet to discuss couple's counseling at that point. If you see a pattern, the issue is being threatened without much previous conversation considering we always have been able to work through anything. Being ordered to do anything leads to decreasing MO to do anything which is a natural human response. I agree I could benefit NOW after the second time, but I'm doing this because I want to since now I'm suffering because I don't feel safe speaking to her about my feelings something I've never felt.
I can see where you are coming from if her initial request was only for you to do therapy versus you both as a couple. Perhaps you relying on her to process your emotions was too much for her and more about her than you? Perhaps she was “demanding” you to go to therapy to provide her respite? If she was struggling with all that you previously mentioned, I could see perhaps she wasn’t strong enough to manage her own emotions and yours.
It's possible, her response was similar when our dog had his first surgery two years ago and then when he was first diagnosed with cancer. A lot of escape but my mental fortitude was different back then. I do believe you make a solid point and this is something I've been trying to be empathetic towards because I believe she is mirroring our dogs battle against cancer onto me thinking we'll fight the CKD only to lose in the end. It's very much possible she's trying to avoid the hurt by escalating the end by using present information to predict some sort of future inevitable event. I'll have to revisit this and change my approach, maybe if I can get her to make a list breaking down the hardships and we can discuss how each situation can be improved as a unit rather than as individuals. If all those feelings are compiling in her mind than it stands to reason they feel big and she feels like she is fighting alone since I'm not at my best. I will have to change some habits of communication because maybe she isn't able to conceptualize on that level because of the stress which I can relate to that. I'll have to try harder to show how I'm really specify how I'm owning up to what I'm lacking right now to help her see we both are a product of circumstance. She might feel just as alone as me.
Forgive me for the multiple comments, I tend to read everyone's post more than once to make sure I acknowledge all of their points. Another thing to add, to my understanding boundaries are conditions not to "cross" to maintain a relationship whether romantic, social, or familial for example: " I need X amount of times a week to recharge by doing x activity" or utilizing code words when there are topics of concern needing to be stopped or postponed. Being provided an ultimatum I do not believe fits into "boundaries " because there isn't a line being crossed but a condition to an exit strategy which, to my understanding, means there is something being ran from or a defensive approach because one feels out of control (one of the many variables it could be but I'm not here to analyze her) Of course, this doesn't mean I'm correct, and I'm open to your explanation on boundaries. I feel the delivery of a message is very important because if a person is "treated" like a problem then they feel less human and feel like a burden rather than discussing the problem behaviors separate from the person "the issue I'm finding is that we as a unit struggle with how we react to stressors. I believe consulting someone would help us greatly" versus "I don't like how you handle your health, you need therapy" it would make it difficult for anyone to want to seek further support if they are approached in such a crude way almost like they aren't allowed to talk to their partner about their feelings without cruelty. I may not have conveyed this will in my original post because I do acknowledge I was in distress.
I am referencing professional boundaries and how a therapist should not know the client in order to be as objective, clear, and helpful as possible. At least in the social work code of ethics that is required. Otherwise it is a dual relationship and creates ethical dilemmas. So when I say her requesting a new unknown neutral 3rd party for couples therapy, I think that is appropriate.
Ah, I understand your point of view, my apologies I misunderstood and you are correct. She isn't quite aware of the code of ethics related to therapeutic services, she's often asked me to support her friends or asked if I can take them, which I had to refuse since I'm close to them, so I find it unlikely that's what she was thinking but that doesn't mean it couldn't be a possibility that is where her mind was going. I can clarify that with her.
I am so sorry to read your post. I support what S Dillon has voiced. You are really not being supported and there seems to be a strong controlling issue by your partner. Life is too short, and you deserve peace, happiness and love. Wishing you the very best and you may benefit from counselling to clear your own head so you can move forward with clarity, keep focused as best as you can as controlling people can influence your thoughts and actions dramatically x
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