[WARNING: Long and fairly pointless ramble ahead, please don't read if you have something useful to do instead....I'm not sure this is the place for this, but I'm not sure where one problem area starts and another ends. I'm sorry if I waste your time.]
I keep screwing up at weekends. After another night's binge, I keep wondering why.
It feels that no matter what plan I have for the weekend, be that activities, planned meals or whatever, that I just lose all control. Though this may be an illusion it FEELS like I can no more control them than I can my own emotions, or the weather outside.
During the week I put an awful lot of things aside so I can lead a relatively "normal" life - be that severe depression [I have looked death in the face and not yielded], or the fact I don't get along with people, and I make sure what has to be done is done. I'm not very good at doing the optional stuff.
There is a part of me that lost so many things over so many young years and I did not react at the time, and is desperate to feel something, anything, but there are great walls to my subconscious. At the other time another uncontrollable part seems to insist on keeping people and emotions as far away as possible. And I can't control it. I just feel like a walking box of meat, soulless, with no meaning or whys or wherefores. Everything seems pointless.
I don't know how to deal with it. I think it is influencing my poor weekend choices; but I have no way of dealing with it. I can't feel anything let alone devise an action plan. Even if I did, I don't seem to follow any plans I make. I may as well smash my head into a brick wall. It will hurt less than this.
I don't know whether this is all just excuses and you have to say "well, it doesn't matter, so get on with it". I don't know whether I have to deal with the emotions first, but I have no way. Really, a psychiatric should deal with this, but mine has been as useful as a chocolate teapot. (Less, actually. A chocolate teapot sounds delicious). I don't really expect answers here, I just felt like sharing.
I'm sorry you have to listen to my rambling...I'm sure many on here have their own emotional baggage to deal with, and probably dealt with it a lot better than me. I just wondered if anyone else has gone through anything similar; and if so, how you dealt with it.
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I think you need to deal with your emotions first. You sound really depressed and obviously very beat up by your feelings. it's hard to control your eating/health habits when you're not dealing with your emotions. Are you taking medication for depression? I don't think depression meds "fix" anything, but I think they help clear away some of the clouds/chaos and help you to focus on what is actually going on.
Of course you can't control your eating when you're so torn up. if your psychiatrist is rubbish, get a new one. You need someone pro-active who can listen and suggest and sometimes they're there JUST to listen and if you're not sure what's going on in your head/life then I don't always think that's enough.
I wish I had something more helpful to say. I know it can't be as easy as "deal with your depression and then deal with your binging" as it doesn't help you find a way to deal with either, but I truly believe that's the order it needs to go in. You can't get your body healthy if your mind is unhealthy, not to say you should stop trying to eat healthily, just don't tear yourself to pieces if it goes wrong at the weekend.
I hope you find a way to get help with how you feel. You will get there one way or another so keep trying!
Hidden , yes I am on a maximum dose of anti-depressants. I've tried pretty much every flavour of sweetie pills and none have had much effect. At least this one helps me sleep, but it is notorious for weight gain (Mirtazapine). Still, calories don't come from nowhere.
Finding a new psychiatrist would be very difficult, it took about two years to find one who really couldn't help me. I last saw him months ago when he said he'd have a think and see if anything else could be done; I haven't heard since. Either they are too busy with crisis caseload, can't think of anything that would help, or don't care. I don't think it will be the latter but in any case it's not good for me and I'm sure I am on my own here.
I have suffered with depression on and off throughout my adult life, the whys and wherefores I won't bother you with. As Hidden has said, I think unless you get your head in the right place, it's very difficult to control all other aspects of your life. I found that eating was my downfall when I was depressed, and you sound the same. I'm sure there are hundreds of us on this forum who comfort eat. Personally, antidepressants didn't work for me, but I think they are very helpful in the short term, for some people. You need to tackle the cause of the depression to really overcome the difficulties you are having. This is not so easy. Your psychiatrist obviously isn't helping, so can you change them?
The things I did to 'get over' the hopelessness and depression were quite radical, and you may not be able to do them. I made a list of all the things that were bringing me down and set about changing them. I moved house, I changed my job and I finally got correctly diagnosed for my ill health. I also took up a hobby that brought me into contact with other people. (I am normally very 'anti' those sort of things) Even joining this forum has helped.
I really hope you can see a way through this. You have made a good start by posting this, and you sound as if you partially know what your problems are. The hard part is moving past them. Don't lose heart, it took me a very long time (I'm now 57), but it can be done. Good luck
Hidden , thank you for your response. I'm not sure what the cause is, I've had it for more than twelve years on and off. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at 21 and I think part of it is I lead a relatively normal life, albeit one that is quite meaningless for me. I attempted to adopt a dog five years ago and failed; that was a huge shock from which I've never recovered. Like if you had to give away a child, you would never expect to recover. Depression pre-dates that but certainly that was the point I was pretty sure I'd never be happy in the future. I have a relatively decent job but not one with meaning. To change that would be throwing away nine years of training.
Your ramble was neither too long or pointless. You are voicing your inner demons and trying to rationalise them. That is why we are here. Sending you ((hugs)). Xxx
Firstly don't feel you need to apologise for off loading, it is what this forum is about 😊
Secondly, I agree with others, sometimes we need outside help to deal with health issues, mental or physical. Perhaps a GP/psychiatrist/counsellor or if you prefer, self help, (books or blogs) may help.
Thirdly, this whole concept of weekend over eating is difficult and connected to the whole 'food as a treat' issue for which I have no answer to yet 😕
Sorry if I haven't helped but feel free to keep off loading 😊
@Anna61, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. Early on I discovered that food and mood are all linked, and it's not enough to simply look at the diet, you have to manage your emotions too in my opinion. Too often I would be highly restrictive then my mood went off a cliff. The single thing that means I'm doing slightly better at all is I am slowly learning to forgive and move on. I can't always do that but sometimes. Very difficult if you historically really dislike yourself, like me.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult set of circumstances. It does sound like you need to change your psychiatrist. I have never had "proper" depression, so I appreciate that anything I say might be of no help at all, and I apologise if I am not helpful. It is not the answer to everything, but I wonder if working through some "mindfulness" exercises might help - the NHS link is nhs.uk/conditions/stress-an.... Also, I believe that outdoor exercise, walking or running can help settle the mind. I certainly find the doing the Couch to 5K gave me a more positive outlook when I was really down, and when I get out there and run now this really helps settle my mind and still the turmoil of problems trying to overwhelm me.
I hope you get the help you need to get control of your life and feel better. Good luck. I'll be thinking positive thoughts towards you.
@Purple_faced woman, I am back into Couch to 5k and did complete a half marathon a couple of years ago, albeit extremely slowly! It is definately a help. I fund running works best when frustrated or angry; it's not so great when you're so down you can't get yourself out of the door.
So sorry to hear you are suffering from depression Don't ever apologise its good to get it out and the people are so kind on this forum
I can really recommend Dr Claire Weekes books they are very comforting and helpful
Exercise is always good a walk lifts the spirits
Try and see simple pleasures through the day and things you can be grateful for It might be very tiny things like a cup of tea or a sunset but they all add up and will make you think differently
There is also an anxiety forum that might be of help Just go on communities you will see Anxiety Support although it says anxiety lots of people have the same issues as you
Stay on this forum too as its very uplifting and the challenges are lovely to take part in
My son attempted to take his own life last year he was like you Afterwards during his recovery he had time to think about his life and he has totally turned it around and its great now
There was a quote I saw yesterday Why do we find it so hard to be happy Because we hold on to the things that made us sad
Life can and will get better keep posting on here you will find a lot of friendship and caring
@Cat33, thank you for you kind words. I'm sorry your son attempted to take his own life. I am pleased to hear he is doing better now. I'm trying to photograph more sunsets, there are some excellent ones to be seen near my house. I think if I am to get better it's never one thing, there are so many little things. Tales of recovery I read all seem to be multi-faceted with no silver bullet.
Well I wish you all the very best The Positive Nov Dec challenge on here is wonderful you will see it on the top at the right
Thank you my son is doing great things now he has just completely turned it around and I have to say although it was the most horrendous thing to go through it probably was also the best if you can understand me saying that
Enjoy your sunsets and please keep us all posted on how you are doing you will always get support x
Hi Cat33, I can't pretend to understand what you've gone through. I feel it would be insulting to say so. I am not a parent and unlikely to ever be one.
My own experience is it takes something huge to disclose this to someone - the closer, the more difficult. Eventually when I did, many months later to a close friend the best thing he did was absolutely nothing except listen to it and acknowledge. It's easily the best thing he could have done. Things have carried on as normal afterwards.
To this date, most of my friends and family don't know about this; I do not think this kind of state of mind is something that can be easily explained. Everyone's experience with it is slightly different, but I also feel if you haven't personally been in a similar state of mind then it is fairly incomprehensible. It doesn't make a lot of sense, and you can't apply rationality. It just has to be accepted.
I wanted to say thank you to all for taking the time to read my slush post and for your thoughtful comments. They are all very much appreciated. I wanted to take the time to post some considered points, which I have done so above.
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