After 5 years TTC and IVF we finally welcomed our baby boy in to our lives 6 weeks ago.
Up until about 2 weeks ago we were struggling with the adjustments of parenthood like any others and getting used to our baby, his cues and his needs.
But in the last week and a half we’ve had to admit to ourselves that we have a difficult baby. Far from the lovely chilled one we had dreamed of after our emotional journey to become parents.
He has started crying and screaming as soon as he needs something, we see his cues and start to act on them and it’s just not quick enough (we’re taking 30 seconds) and major meltdown occurs.
He gets so stressed when feeding that he is screaming before the bottle is in his mouth, then won’t take it abs when he finally does, he gulps do quickly (while crying) that he pulls back full of gas, then projectile vomits. Then he’s hungry again and the process restarts. We’re combi feeding so when I breastfeed he is a bit calmer but still cries if I don’t get my boob out quick enough and pulls back during feeding so I literally have to hold him to the boob. I’ve been to the GP and he prescribed gaviscon for possible reflux but I’m not sure it’ll help.
I know this is about the time that he’s having a growth spurt and also a developmental change but we’re both tearing our hair out and don’t know what to do.
A lot of time time it’s impossible to soothe him and he just wails himself out.
He is worse with my husband than me, which is very upsetting for us both….
Has anyone been through this or have any advice? It’s horrendous.
Xxx
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Sending lots of hugs being a mum is hard work! Dosent matter how wanted they are or the struggle you endeared. I had a 7 year struggle to have my nearly 3 year old daughter Francesca so I know that sometimes you feel guilty for finding it difficult feel bad for complaining it's hard 🙈😂 ( atm Francesca has speech delay been referred to SALT and is very likely autistic so needs assessment) and we had her sister Eliza 11 weeks ago today! I have found it very difficult going from 1 to 2 children under 3! I feel so overwhelmed at times and bad for feeling that way especially after we had Eliza after losing our second daughter So I hear you. I haven't got much useful advice- I put Francesca on baby probiotics and I swear it really eased her colic even now she's still on childrens probiotics as she has a delicate tummy. I have done the same with Eliza and it has made a huge difference- she used to scream a lot every evening and is much more relaxed now. Don't get me wrong Eliza still gets hysterical does exactly what you have described - usually when she's tired boarding on over tired. Such a nightmare. I find rocking her helps and lots of deep breaths!You are doing a wonderful job don't you forget that. It will get easier I promise you. Hang in there Xx
It’s so damn hard. You are literally superwoman dealing with 2!! I feel like I need to get a grip 🤦🏼♀️
And I’m sorry you’ve had such a struggle too.
It’s really interesting to hear that Eliza is similar with the screaming. It’s relentless. And I worry for what it’s doing emotionally to my husband - neither of us are really able to feel happy around him.
I will try the probiotics - thanks for the tips xxx
Thank you . Definitely not a superwomen , just a fellow mum that understands how hard it is! My husband felt really cut off from Francesca as as baby she just really wanted me, but now they are as close as anything. He also feels like that a bit with Eliza but knows it’s just a phase ❤️Tell your husband your son will want him more as he becomes a toddler. My husband is like a big kid in the soft play with Francesca! Don’t know who has more fun him or her! 😂 Babies do really just want mum especially as you are still breastfeeding- they aren’t silly they know mummy has milk on tap! Eliza is my third ( live- as Amelia was born asleep) baby and it’s still difficult! I have a grown up son and 2 daughters. The screaming is awful cuts right through you Eliza goes purple almost! You are doing well, it’s bloody not easy. It is the hardest but will be the most rewarding Job. The expectation vs reality of a baby especially after infertility are very different! I felt with Francesca I had no right to complain or thought people be like “ well you really wanted a baby!” I think when I was in the midst of infertility I would’ve wanted to slap someone like me having a moan when I was so desperate for a baby but reality is it is hard work and it’s ok to feel like that don’t feel guilty for it ( I know I did which is silly) Someone said to me having a baby after infertility is like putting a plaster over a deep wound and expecting it to just heal it’s not like that. It has taken me a longtime to come terms and be at peace with “the journey. “ Some people benefit from counselling I just came to terms eventually in my own way. Never underestimate the damage that “journey “ can do to a person/couple. If you need support never feel ashamed ( I did feel ashamed) Coming out of infertility and a having a baby isn’t easy cut yourself some slack ❤️Xx
Thanks Jess, it feels good to know others experience this too (although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone)…It’s a tough gig. He has just started smiling though which is a game changer for sure!
I’m sorry I cannot provide any advice based on experience! I’m only 17 weeks and one of my biggest concerns is how I will actually manage. Is there anyone in your family that is good with babies to give you a hand every now and then? I have already asked my mum to come and stay over for 6 months after birth as she loves babies and remains calm under baby pressure. Otherwise, would you consider a private midwife to provide some post natal support (ie. to come over to your place once a week or so to give you some tips and tools and reassure you that you are doing the right thing)? I hope things get better and the little one is more comfortable soon.
Hello lovely, I am so sorry I don't have much advice but I could literally have written this same post! 5 years TTC and IVF, our little miracle boy is 4 weeks old. He was in neonatal care for 2 weeks, which was extremely hard. Adjusting to parenthood is not easy... and after struggling with infertility for such a long time, I feel guilty to even complain.It breaks my heart when he cries and screams and gets so stressed when feeding. He was small for his gestational age so I have been asked to breastfeed him every 2.5 hours -3 hours and then give him a bottle of my expressed milk.
I honestly do not know what to do -he seems so impatient when feeding. He normally latches on well but falls asleep soon after, so I have to wake him up and then he cries like I have never heard before. And again and again... I feel like a terrible mum. My husband is so distressed about it too.
I have literally tried everything when he cries: changing his nappy in case he is uncomfortable, holding him, putting him down on the pram or changing him to the cot, playing some lullabies, giving him more food in case he is hungry, burping him in case he has some gas, changing his clothes in case he is too hot or too cold, I stroke him, rock him in the pram... I have tried even bath him but he doesn't like it at all.
Eventually after screaming so much he will get tired and fall asleep for a tiny bit and then repeat...
Enough about me! I just wanted to say that I feel for you and this post comes in very handy. I will try the probiotics that Jess recommended and hopefully someone else will add some more useful tips. We are also going to stay with my mum in a few weeks' time, so really hoping that will help a little... It is so overwhelming, isn't it?
Good luck and hope things become a bit easier for you and your little one.
Oh love - I completely feel your pain - it's so so hard isn't it.We go through the same routine.... the only thing I am holding on to is that it will pass eventually.
I am going to stay with my mum next week as I really need a break. It's so overwhelming - it's insane.
Oh dear, it is a very stressful time. They are made to "communicate" their needs fast and strong. I am sure you are doing a great job! It does sound like reflux. For us it helped to have infacol and to have him upright for a while after feeding. When he is impatient waiting for a bottle, maybe a dummy helps to bridge the time. Another thing to try are different bottles/teets. You've got this. It will get better!
Hi, I am going through the same thing with my 4 .5 week old son. Now he's over a month old I have started making him have a little break during his feed and giving him some gripe water which does really seem to help.
I think it is just a phase, my little girl is 8 weeks and goes through phases of crying all of a sudden, sometimes she will give cues, other times she can flip from happy/chilled to full meltdown in a matter of seconds.
Babies tend to prefer mum over anyone else so tell your husband not to worry about little one preferring you at the moment, especially as you are breastfeeding (we're basically personal food trucks for them).
Have you tried using inficol or dentinox in case it's trapped wind? wind and reflux make my little girl inconsolable but inficol really helps with the wind (still waiting to see the doctor about the reflux and a couple other issues).
I find during the day, having her in a sling helps her to be settled and we've recently introduced a dummy to help soothe the reflux, maybe one of those will help?
Thank you so much for this - it's really good to hear it's a phase! It really feels like it will last forever when you're in the thick of it.
Ha you are right about being a personal food truck. When he got home from work tonight our little boy was wailing on me for no reason - so (without malice) I think it made him realise that it's not personal.
Actually a sling has been really good for me too - keeping him upright has helped a lot I think - and also helps him burp - he's definitely been far more comfortable today.
Is there a breastfeeding clinic that your health visitor can refer you to? My baby was also popping off my nipple frequently and I went to the clinic and they suggested all sorts of little adjustments that helped him latch better and stay latched, a number of them I didn’t even realize I was doing wrong! And honestly it was just a very soothing experience, the midwife was very experienced and she really reassured me that my baby was normal, even though he was only sleeping for 30 minutes at a time at night at that point. It was very good to hear that he’s normal and it would pass. He’s almost 8 weeks now and things are slowly getting better!
I actually went to a BF clinic today - they were helpful but I find that I can only get him latched well when I'm at home surrounded by pillows - I guess it just takes practice.So pleased to hear things are getting better! xx
I wonder if you can downsize the teat on the bottle to slow it down anymore (and be more like the breast pace) our little one was very demanding with his bottle and would try and gulp it far too quick so we got the lower anti colic MAM teats (it was trial and error which ones worked) and we also tried offering the bottle before he started to cry but we knew it would be roughly the time for one (didn’t always manage this 🤣) but he seemed to learn that milk is always around and there is no need to get in such a state about it but of course at under 12 weeks they just cry for everything anyway. He might also be gassy rather than have reflux (that’s what also happened with us) so lots of bicycle legs and switching to the premade formula rather than powdered helped with that (and infacol). It can sometimes be trial and error what works for them and you might need to persevere for a few days with things before you see a benefit but the one thing I would say is it will pass very soon as those early weeks fly past so just make sure you are getting as much support from family and friends as you can to get some sleep and a break, to get over this period, you are doing an amazing job and giving him everything he needs 🤗 xxx
Hi Twiglet! Thanks so much - it's so good to hear that it's not just me having these struggles!
The strange thing about having a baby is that it can make you feel incredibly alone - so ironic as you have a little person with you all the time.
We've actually tried a Lansinoh bottle tonight which did seem to be much better. We've been using Mam but they were just from my sister so I need to check the teats aren't a bit old and therefore releasing the milk too quickly.
He is very gassy - I think you are probably right that it's not reflux, as he has been fairly calm today, probably the gripe water helping too. Who knows!!
You're right, the weeks do fly by, but at the same time - man are they slow! He'll be 12 weeks before I know it!
Hope you're doing well my lovely - thanks so much for the support xxx
You couldn’t describe being a parent any more accurate 💖 it’s the busiest best time but also VERY lonely- but most things I worry about I’ve found someone in a similar position thank goodness 🤗 glad to hear things have got a little better for you all xx
Being a new mother is so hard and I can relate to some of your woes. I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and say hang in there and hopefully this is just a phase which seems long and drawn out but hopefully will get better with time. I am part of a group of new mothers and every single one of them struggled with feeding. So you are not alone.
When my girl cries, and nothing we do pacifies her, hubby and I tag team taking it in turns to deal with the situation until we get the desired outcome.
My nephew was a colicky baby and cried all the time not just when he fed. We could hear him from the street whenever we went to visit and give my brother and his partner some respite. So having someone over to help might be the way to go.
When I went through issues at the beginning, I contacted the NCT feeding line and found them very helpful. La Leche League is also another good source of support.
Aww thank you my lovely - that's really interesting to know that your group are struggling - I guess a lot of people don't like to talk about the fact that it's hard.The crying is so hard isn't it - you just desperately want it to end.
There's a lot of pacing and trying to pre-empt crying so we can stop it before it starts - it's exhausting!
Hope you're doing well though - lovely to see your name pop up xxx
Thanks lovely. We are doing well thanks for asking. Micah is now 3 months old and still demanding but through trial and error we have found some work arounds even if it buys us a few minutes. We introduced a pacifier at 5 weeks although we swore we wouldn’t! 😂 After a week of constant crying. we gave in. This now keeps her quiet for a bit.
Even if he rejects it at first like my girl did, keep offering it. My girl is now almost addicted to it. She rejects it sometimes though which I think is positive as we intend to break the habit when the time is right.
So hang in there and you are doing great! You are almost at the stage when your baby will start smiling periodically. I found the smiling melted my heart and gave me even more tolerance for my girl’s meltdowns.
Keep trying new things until something works but be ready for setbacks. The main thing is to keep plugging away and eventually things will become manageable. I found things gradually got easier from week 7/8.
Aww 3 months!! Insane!Yes I can’t wait for the proper smiles! We’ve had some glimmers…
We’ve actually tried a pacifier yesterday abd today and it does help with the gap between him demanding food and when it arrives… so it’s definitely helped. Thank you!
It’s so tough adjusting to mummyhood and you’re doing amazing, so don’t be so hard on yourself! You’ll know from my insta posts that I have a difficult little one too and trying lots to help settle him. A couple of things;
- Infacol before every feed may help to settle any tummy discomfort
- I swapped to Dr Brown bottles which I prefer
- a little bit of gripe water post feed (not if you’re doing infacol though) may also help any trapped wind
- Using a smaller teat size (I use size 1)
My little boy has really terrible reflux and is on Omeprazole which has helped the choking, so depending on how bad your little boy is, you could look at that as not sure how effective Gaviscon actually is.
Are there any positions he’s more comfortable in? My little boy likes to be on his tummy (no ideal) but it’s the only way he will actually get some rest so I allow it during the day so long as I’m always watching him. But he does cry a lot, hysterical when changing him! I found a warm bath with a cloth over his belly each night soothes him too - have you tried that?
Thanks lovely - sometimes you just can't see the wood for the trees...We've been using gripe water which seems to help a bit, and he slower flow teats too - we'll see.
Aww little Mason - the choking is so scary isn't it. I've actually not tried him on his tummy, except a few mins tummy time. Maybe it'd help - to be fair being upright in the sling seems to be quite good to help get rid of gas too. I guess they just grow out of it too as they get bigger.
Gosh these first few months are so tough - I really wasn't prepared for this at all.
I'm not really sure what I was expecting??
Hope you're doing ok my lovely - getting any more sleep? xx
So sorry to read your post tonight. I'm on my 3am feed and just wanted to stop by and say you're so brave and strong just admitting how bloody hard it's been for you and reaching out for support. Of course it's hugely reassuring to be told something difficult will pass (phew!) but when you're in it, it feels like it's overwhelming and an eternity so I fully get your mindset right now.
My struggles with newborn life are different to yours, focused around his weight loss and stresses with 2-hourly breastfeeding 24/7. I have personally had a big learning curve, to understand what I'm supposed to do to help and to understand my own baby's needs, it's been hard work like you mentioned.
Things I have had to introduce for my wee boy to work towards a more content baby are:
- No longer than 1.5 hour wake windows. So I didn't realise until I became a Mum that babies don't just sleep when they're tired and you need to put them to sleep (stupid of me, I know). Daytime sometimes he falls asleep on the breast but wont stay asleep so most often he needs positioned being held with mininal view or stimulation and I stroke his face or walk and rock. I quickly realised an over-tired baby is a recipe for disaster but so is trying to put an under-tired baby to sleep as both ways he would wake super unhappy and fussy. If he really overshoots or skips too many naps and ends up badly overtired so wont go down or stay asleep for long and becomes exceptionally fussy I resorted to putting him in my sling and walking or moving around the house and soon it zonks him so he can get a decent sleep and reset himself
- Despite being so confident I didn't want to introduce a dummy prior to having him because I'm exclusively breast feeding we spoke to health visitor and gave a dummy by 4 weeks because otherwise he just couldn't settle to sleep without boob in mouth and that was killing me. I also learned a little late for my sanity that babies don't sleep quietly or still, so there were times I was attending to him thinking I was helping and I was waking him so now I let the farm animal noises and movement happen and only tend to him when he is definitely fully awake
- I realised quite early on he suffered from reflux so I feed him at a tilt with head highest and put his bedside crib on highest tilt and keep him upright 20 minutes after every feed. I also learnt the hard way that healthy foods like broccoli, beans and anything potentially wind inducing or spicy in adults needed cutting out as my milk was giving him bad trapped wind. Since being consistent with this we've gone from him spitting up or vomiting after every feed and vomiting through the night to minimal spit ups and rarely vomiting in his crib
- I now understand his sleepy cues much better like red eyebrows and eyelids, jerky arm movements and fussiness so I start his wee routine of cuddling him close against me and/or rocking, bum patting to put him over as quickly to that as I can to avoid overtiredness
- I learnt that he is a baby that needed more stimulation on wake windows so I started doing little co-ordination tasks with him after nappy changes then stick him on his jungle gym mat and he thoroughly enjoys whacking the hanging animals and kicking his legs like mental until he's expelled energy
- During growth spurts or illness he wants to cluster feed pretty much constantly and I follow responsive feeding however exactly like you described he will go through wee stages of pulling back off breast or crappy latching temporarily and for him I learnt this was down to a stuffy nose, sore trapped wind or signs of being full. When like this my Hubby also cannot settle him as he's with me most often so I assume associates comfort more with me and I know him better but for us these wee phases have soon passed and he goes back to correct latching, staying on and content with Daddy
Sorry for waffling 🤣 and sorry if none of this helps, it's just my very brief experience lately as outwith a baby having a medical condition or genuinely just enjoying a scream and cry it's constant problem solving isn't it!
Really hope things with your little one settle down soon my love. Every day you're both getting to know each other better and although it's heavy now, you're doing amazing just keeping going 💪 xx
Hi Lizzie,That's so sweet of you to say - I feel like no one ever says how bloody hard it is! No matter how much you want it....
I was talking to a really good friend yesterday who had a baby last year, and she told me that she had really severe anxiety through the first few months, but you would never have known - she looked like she was totally bossing it. I felt so awful for not realising that she was struggling.
I'm sorry to hear your struggles too - that must be so stressful. If it's not one thing its another right!
That's really interesting what you say about him being tricky through growth spurts - because it does somewhat correlate to that with my little one I think.
He's settled down a bit since I posted this and is now much better with my husband - and I think (by no means perfect but far better than he was) this was a growth spurt.
Thank you so much for sharing your tips - they are amazing and some of them we have implemented too in the past few days. I also didn't realise that babies don't sleep when they are tired - it's our job to recognise when they are...
You sound like you are doing an amazing job - it's so tough but we've got this xxx
That's exactly how I felt too; our friends all have 2-4 kids and only 1 of them had ever actually mentioned to me how tough she found the early years so I'd naively thought it was lovely and relaxing at times with lots of newborn sleep and cuddles 😂 ha!
That's so good you've already noticed it might've been growth spurt or developmental and your little one is settling down more. Apologies for my delay in replying btw, we have building work going on at home so I have not had a minute.
So in terms of knowing when he's in sleep phase or awake, I'm sure I've gotten it wrong a few times but I just kept monitoring him for as much as I could during his active sleep to try track his asleep noises and movements. For my little one he makes a sort of clicking/vibration sound when he's waking too soon out a sleep (I sound crazy, I realise) 😂 but most importantly I realised he looks around for me and will make eye contact when he's awake, otherwise he could have his eyes open and be moving but looks more glazed and stares at an object in front of him.
Hope you're feeling a little better coming out the back of a tougher spell. I know I've definitely felt some light relief when things settle a bit. Xx
Can I ask too - how do you know when he is fully awake? My boy does the farm animal / dinosaur noises and I honestly don't know when he is actually awake. I have woken him up numerous times when he probably would have slept for another hour or so... xx
I read ‘The Discontented Little Baby Book’ by Pamela Douglas when I was at about the same point as you (and also after 5 years of ttc and IVF). It’s such a refreshing book about mindset especially when it comes to crying and fussing. It changed the way I thought about sleep for my little one - no more sitting depressed in a darkened room with white noise, patting, with the baby still crying (I’m convinced that if that works for anyone their baby must be a lot more chilled out than mine!!). It may not be your thing but it really changed things for me. X
It really is worth a read. One exercise that I thought was lovely and that I need to remind myself of occasionally is to think about what sort of memories you want to have of this time - and then create them.
It also normalises what you’re going through. Even things like the grunting at night which really freaked me out - it talks about it just being normal. The main thing is to accept that babies are usually fussy and it passed and actually there’s not much you can do about it a lot of the time.
The other thing that helped me is throwing schedules out of the window and just going about my day and letting the baby sleep in the pram or the carrier if we were out and about. But everyone is different!
I don't think anyone is truly prepared for those first few weeks with a new baby. I told my husband I thought I'd had a stroke because I could not form a sentence, after a particularly bad few nights with no sleep, he sent me for a nap and I recovered after a few hours sleep.
You and your husband are adjusting to having a baby and the baby is adjusting to absolutely everything. They're going through huge developments and new experiences. The only good thing is that hormones and lack of sleep make this bit seem so hazy when you look back on it, I think that's why people are so forgetful about how hard it is. My youngest is 8 months old now and I'm missing that newborn phase.
My first daughter it felt like she cried non stop for the first few months. I remember walking up and down my house singing to her and bouncing up and down in the living room at all hours of the day/ night trying to soothe her. It really had nothing to do with feeding or nappies etc, it seemed just general fury at the world she'd popped out into. She'd cry for hours, then settle and have a feed, then kick off again. She certainly hadn't read any of the books about how she should behave. The only things that I found that matched our experiences was about Purple crying.
My little girl couldn't be settled by her dad either those first few months, the only thing I could do was feed her to sleep and then pass her to him and hope she stayed asleep so I could shower, sleep ready etc. Before she woke up and wanted me again.
It's not until much further in their development that they even realise they're not connected to you, so dads have it pretty tough as they're never going to be able to compete with you.
It's a really hard time, I found getting out and about helped. Going to baby sensory and baby swimming were amazing, getting to meet other mums and talk about our experiences, I made a few friends and we'd have coffee and eat cake together. It really helped to have other people going through it with you.
Good luck with it, hopefully it'll get better for you soon x
Thank you for sharing. That sounds tough (and fairly similar to what we’re experiencing)The purple crying description does seem to match.
I think it took us a while to come to terms with the fact that we have a tricky baby…. I think we just envisioned a perfect little one after all our struggles, but not to be!
I can relate to that feeling of just being brain dead. I can’t even think what I want to eat most of the time…. But I think things are getting a little easier and he’s sleeping for longer stretches now.
Have you spoken to a lactation consultant? Any possible tongue/lip tie? Possible lactose intolerance or CMPA? If it is reflux, keep pushing back to your GP - gavison is very mild. You’re doing great, chilled babies are few and far between in my experience!
It’s actually really good to hear that. I just assumed that we’d have a chilled baby as both of us are…. But not meant to be!I don’t think it’s reflux to be fair, as it’s not consistent. Sometimes he’s totally fine… I actually think he gets hanger - and if we don’t feed him quick enough he loses it 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry to hear of your struggles, I completely understand how you feel. Like you after TTC for 5 years i've been blessed with twins via IVF. They're a few months old and so difficult to handle (still the greatest blessing and I wouldn't change for the world). They go into hysterics before their feed time and once bottle is in their mouth they just don't want it anymore and I cannot stop them from crying which then ends up with projectile vomiting, having to clean them and everything else. I try and feed one first and then the other but that doesn't always work, they decide to have their feed at exactly the same time even if I adjust the time for one. I changed their bottle to NUK and also drop some infacol with their milk each feed + give Omeprazole for the reflux, its calmed them down quite a bit. Just now I put both down for a nap, one woke up as I went to have lunch, put him back to sleep and the other woke up, kept switching them up and now its nearly 4pm and no lunch! Some people say it gets easier and others say this is the easy part, i'm just taking each day as it comes. You will eventually get into a routine and find it easier to handle the stress. One other thing that settles them sometimes when feeding is a youtube video called '10 hours womb sound'. Hope it gets better for you x
Sounds like you’ve got the right mindset though - taking each day as it comes. I’m slowly learning to do that as every day is different and we just never know what is going to happen…
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