Visitors - New Born - Will I really need help?? - NCT

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Visitors - New Born - Will I really need help??

R4chyB4
R4chyB4

Hi ladies. So I’m in a predicament. We live in England our family in Scotland. We are not sure how much help we will need in the first days/weeks. My hubby and I will be off together for 8 weeks when baby is born. My dilemmas are;

1. Will I need my mum to stay with us to help?

2. If mum does stay will 1,2 or 3 + weeks be best?

3. What about other family visitors? Do they wait til after my mum has stayed and they slot in to the spare bedroom ?

4. Will I be completely overwhelmed and need visitors or just want to me on our own?? I keep thinking the latter 🥴

I am planning to breast feed and we only have one spare room as the other is the nursery. We have there sets of parents to consider and several siblings between us.

I may be over thinking things but I am just getting myself in a stress about this!! Any advice appreciated from already parents or soon to be mums who have actually thought this through 💭

Thank you xxx

17 Replies
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I’ve got a two week old and hubbie has been all I need at home with me. His family live several hours away and they came to visit last week but stayed in a B and B for a couple of nights which was perfect. We are currently using our spare room because we have found we are getting more rest if we sleep separately - there seems no point both of us getting woken by the baby all the time.

I’m breastfeeding so I’ve been concentrating on that and I’ve also planned meals because I know what’s in the freezer, but it’s a joint effort to get them cooked and eaten. Hubbie has done everything else including most nappies. My parents live nearby and have helped by picking things up from the shops for us, giving us the odd meal/treat and doing the ironing/ helping with laundry.

Only you know if having your mum to stay would be less stress for you and hubbie or not. It might give hubbie the chance to have a break from the house at times. In terms of visitors, I didn’t really want them in the first week but I did have quite a difficult birth and didn’t feel that well myself. I had first non family visitors for an hour on day eleven and that was fine. But I don’t want visitors for more than half the day as am needing to fit in afternoon naps due to not getting enough hours sleep at night. I would not want overnight visitors for another couple of weeks at least I think. I’ve enjoyed being in the baby bubble with hubbie and I think if my mum had been staying in the first week then hubbie would not have bonded so well with baby as he wouldn’t have had to do everything. Having said that: My hubbie is excited to be going out on his mountain bike tomorrow whilst I have friends over because he’s been getting cabin fever.

When my baby was born it was just me and hubby for two weeks. We had visitors of course but there would be no way I would have anyone staying for a good length of time. I personally would find it too much having to think of someone else and it would do my head in 😂. We had a lovely two weeks as a family and it was just perfect. After that I just got on with it and I was perfectly happy just finding my own routine with baby and then I started some baby groups when she was 8 weeks old.

I think it depends on how you get on with everyone and how much alone time you want as a three xx

Thanks both. It’s a fine balance between doing what you want and doing what you think others other without hurting anyone’s feelings or being ungrateful 🥴 my hubby thinks we might need the help as we won’t know what we are doing and to help with the visitors popping in and out. I’m just worried that we don’t get that bonding time the two of us but then maybe we just have to plan for that and ensure it happens. Oh it’s so difficult and it is really stressing me out trying to make a decision. I will maybe talk to the midwife when I go tomorrow and see what their take on it is xx

No one knows what they are doing but then again when baby is here you just sort of know exactly what your doing. It may feel a bit full on like I felt like I was constantly washing and sterilising bottles but you then just seem to get into a rhythm. Things are also a lot more different to when our parents became parents and they try and tell us things that aren’t necessarily the right way to do it now. Don’t worry about other people’s feelings you will have more important things to think about. I hope it goes ok for you though xx

Don't worry about anyone else's feelings you gotta do what you think is best for you and baby which will depend on the birth you have and what kind of baby you have. Which you won't know till after it happens so I would try not to stress to much now.

Our little one when first born wasn't a happy chappy and I had post birth complications so my other half was looking after the 2 of us and then my mum was round most days to do things like washing up, food shopping etc just general things round the house. But she left us to look after the baby.

Would your mum be likely to leave you guys to it and just be in the background or would she tell you how to do things etc? Because I think that's the most important thing you guys need time to work it out yourselves.

R4chyB4
R4chyB4
in reply to friggens31

I think my mum would be 50/50 with letting us get on with things ... 🤔

It’s so hard as people want to make travel plans but I just feel like I can’t commit to anything right now but so worried i make people feel unwanted ... and then the other thing is ... if we don’t have family visit then we will have no one around us as we don’t really have close friends near by! It’s hard as you want to make the right choices for you but also want to have no regrets ... I just quite imagine what life will be like with our newborn. I have an idyllic picture of us walking through our door together as a threesome in a lovely bubble of love ... but then I may be totally unrealistic with that (kinda like the lift through the door after your wedding) 😂

Xx

The walking through the door as a three is indeed lovely. But then the hard work begins!

People will just have to hold off making travel plans. They’ll live.

I think it all depends on the family you have. I made it very clear that I didn't want any visitors two weeks before baby was born and two weeks after. I didn't exactly work out that way. I don't have any family close by, but my MIL lives 5 min. away. She was the one picking us up from hospital after the little one was born and frankly, she ruined the moment for me. She then wanted to do all the things in the house (washing my underwear!) and give me advice that I didn't want. Made me very upset. I have only agreed to have short visits from the rest of my partners family and some friends, but other than that, it was only the three of us. It was hard at times, but I'm happy we made that decision. Gave us the time to bond with our girl and build the family. Few weeks before I gave birth, a friend of mine told me to limit any visits to a minimum. She didn't do it with her first and it resulted with her being absolutely exhausted and angry with a lot of people. If you think your mum will get in your way and annoy you, it's really not worth it. Just explain to her you and your partner would like to have the first few weeks to yourself so you can bond with your baby. She may get upset at first, but it will pass.

I am in a similar situation; we don’t live near family, they’re all in Scotland, with closest being my family 3 hours away. I’ve agreed with my mum & brother that they will come down once we are home and settled from the hospital (not while we are in the hospital), maybe the following week, so figure that gives us a good 10 days or so to settle ourselves. My mum is dying to meet our little one, as it’s been 7 years in the making, and understandably me being her daughter she wants to be close - but it will only be 2-3 days initially, the bonus being my brother will only manage a day or 2 off work so they will have to get back for that. Later mum can come down for longer once hubby is back to work.

I’m normally the sort who runs after everyone when they visit, making sure they are fed, watered and comfortable, but of course now the baby will be our priority so I have said they will have to take us as they find us - my mum will just get in the kitchen doing tea/coffee/breakfast and she’ll do washing etc.

We have to remember to put ourselves and our babies first, don’t let it stress you hon, they might not like it but they will have to lump it otherwise xx

Only time I needed help was about a week after I had baby I had to ring my parents she just wouldn’t stop crying through the night and I had know idea how to stop her I was breastfeeding and was knackered I slept and they somehow got her quite.

But other than that I wouldn’t have anyone staying. Being experienced now it’s easier first time it feels so much harder thrown in the deep end we didn’t even have time to eat she’d cry all the time during meal times lol. Hummm going back to baby what are we thinking 🤔😂

My mum came to stay for a few days about a week after the birth of my baby as we live in different cities. She was in a hotel though, as we were in a small flat. Once hubby has gone back to work after 2 weeks it was so helpful to have my mum about. She would come in the morning after hubby had left for work and let me sleep. She'd make dinner and leave when hubby came home as she knew we needed our space.

We did have visitors too as it would be so sad not to have let the family meet our baby as a newborn! People generally stayed a couple of hours and people kindly brought tea and cake etc. Not so good for my waist band but easy for hosting.

I'd say if you can make the boundaries clear and people respect that you need your time alone as new parents, definitely have people over. I found about 4 days was enough. My mum came back for about that long for the first few months. I also had my mother in law do the same... but 3 days was enough lol!!

Really do take advantage of the help. It's so knackering. My hubby needs his sleep and he was amazing but I think having my mum was so important too. Plus someone could be holding baby while someone was helping me (recovery was a bit tough).

Best of luck and ENJOY! It's such a magical time that new parenthood/family feeling :)

Honestly no one can tell you for definite. I can only tell you what my experience was but it completely depends on what baby is like when they’re here and how well you’re able to cope. My partner is self-employed so we couldn’t afford for him to have time off to help with the baby as he wouldn’t get paid paternity leave. I never had any help with my son and I still don’t now he’s 20 months and I’m 7 months pregnant. And honestly I found newborn a lot easier to cope with than toddler. 😂

It’s a lot to cope with in the beginning especially if you’re a first time mum, it’s a constant cycle every two hours of nappy changing, feeding, burping, settling and pumping if that’s what you’re doing. Also you then need to find time to look after yourself as well as sterilising bottles, cooking cleaning etc.

I was lucky and my son was a really settled baby. As long as he had a clean nappy and was fed he would happily sleep (including over night 12 hours) to the point where I actually had to set an alarm for every 2 hours to wake him up for feeds. I never felt like I needed any help but that’s just me personally. I felt like I needed to be able to do it on my own in case I couldn’t rely on people always being there for support. I didn’t want visitors. I wanted to be left alone to look after my baby. Like I said you don’t have a lot of time to yourself so when people are constantly visiting it’s a lot. Also you’ll have midwifes and health visitors coming out really regularly to your home to check on you and baby. It was every day for a week or so for me. It probably depends on how they do it where you live though.

It would probably be best to just plan as if you will need the help and for as long as you feel it will be needed. So I’d talk to your mum and see what she’s comfortable with doing. But also remember you don’t want to get used to the extra help too much because once she leaves you’ll find yourself on your own, maybe best to rip the plaster off so to speak and just have her there long enough that you feel safe on your own if that makes sense.

Thanks everyone for your kind comments and honest opinions.

I think I’ve realised I just don’t know what I want 🥴

AJBee
AJBee
in reply to R4chyB4

God I feel you and thank you for your post. I'm having the same issues right now. My parents live in France and my mum has booked to come over for TWO WEEKS, that straddle my due date a week each side. The thought of it is stressing me out, which I know is so mean! This is her first grandchild (and has been a long time coming, I'm 38!) She will be super helpful with house work, but isn't THAT mobile (won't be able to walk the dog or take the baby round the block if he's crying), won't have a car when she's here, doesn't cook etc so there are limits to her helpfulness! I feel so awful for thinking this. But like so many people have said, I pictured it just the 3 of us muddling thru the first few days and I defs don't want her being here to affect my partner bonding with the baby in any way. I'm sure she'll be helpful with advice etc though, she is a mum of 2 after all I Worse still, both parents are trying to visit for a few days in February when I'll be 32 weeks (and I've said in no uncertain terms I'm tried, frustratingly sober and therefore miserable in drinking company, I'm in bed by 9 and am loving my alone time on the sofa with trash TV, not having to care for anyone else or keep them entertained and occupied, but they won't take the hint!!!) I feel so mean asking them outright please actually can you wait to visit until the baby is here. I am so unsociable right now, an hour max is all I can really stand in company, I just want to hibernate, and they want 4 nights!! (And therefore 4 days sat around doing nothing in crappy February weather!) Why is this all so hard and stressful?!

Urgh. Venting. Sorry. All advice gratefully received!! xxxx

Can you tell them two nights not four!

I have a plan in my head but not sure if the plan will go ahead, my partner will take 2 weeks off work when the baby is here, we will spend those 2 weeks together bonding and getting used to new way of life then when he goes back to work my mum lives about 4 doors away will come in the afternoon to help as she works mornings as only, my sister will be on hand too if I need it. We don't have any other visitors really, if we see partners family we generally go to theirs.....sounds all so idyllic but can guarantee wont work like that....a lady is allowed to dream isn't she 😁 x

Have your Mum for 2-4 weeks and this will help a lot ! Cooking dinner is challenging when you have a baby 😅 my Mum only remembering to feed cat and help with advice as well as give you some free time to relax 😊

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