Will they turn my son against me?

My husbands immediate family consists of a younger brother 34, younger sister 24, mother 60, father 63. I never allowed myself to get pregnant because my husband was very controlling, verbally and mentally abusive. When visiting my in laws he mistreated me and they would and they allowed it, they would say racial comments about my race and my husband forbid me from trying to have a good relationship to the point I was not allowed to speak to them unless it was hello or goodbye. In the begining of our marriage he would get really mad, jealous if I spoke to his sister which at the time was an innocent little 8 yr old, and the same with his father. His mom always turned her nose up to me and the younger brother followed. My husband would tell them very vivid lies with such passion to ignite even bigger hatred towards me and the mom instagated. My husband then became physically abusive by throwing and pushing me on glass tables, floors, furniture and walls, in private and in front of his family. Because of all of this, I seperated from him for 3 yrs. I told his parents many times of what he was doing but he always denied it and thier response was thier son would never do something like that. I told them once more before I seperated and they responded the same and said I was controlling and cruel. I told them that it was ok because I would no longer be in his or their lives. After about a yr and a half he asked for me to sit with him and his parents to have a talk he much needed because the seperation affected him mentally and emotionally. He confessed to them the truth about our marriage and asked them to not hate me since he was the monster and not me. The mother became enraged and said I controlled him, brainwashed him, and invented a lie of assaulting her to enrage him and turn me against him. I quickly pointed and proved that she was lieing and both he and his father agreed. It took around two more years to covince me that he had changed and that he would not let his family interfere. We were a happy couple again, so happy that after 18 yrs of marriage I got pregnant. Now the hatred, the controlling, violence is coming directly from the mother and sister and unfortunately my husband is now being controlled and brainwashed and is becoming what he useto be.

I noticed that he and his mom share evil qualities when both have always blamed the father. To be honest the whole family is disfunctional, but, the main source of the verbal and mental abuse is the mom. His sister had a son from a short marriage that ended in divorce that allow the boy to jump on me and purposely kick me in the stomache. If I tell him in a nice way, "Remember Honey, there's a baby in my tummy so we don't want to hurt him so try to be careful." They all were instantly offended and I was told not to correct him because I had no right and was not his mom. The boy did it again my husband laughed picked him up which I thought was to distract and stop him when in fact he was not because I informed him I'm a whisper that he was still kicking me and even harder, my husband gave me and ugly shut up look. I then got up and moved to different seat and area. That made things even worst. On another visit, the boy was playing super heroes and jumped in the air to fall on the target which was my belly, (did I mention that he's 6 yrs old?) I caught him and told him remember that can hurt the baby; his brother and his girlfriend witnessed it but since they don't know the boys history of targeting my belly and the other in the family are aware, they both said they didn't like how I told him to stop and how I caught him when he jumped towards me because he's just a kid. Not only do I feel that I'm not allowed to protect my unborn baby but his parents have already addressed me in front of my husband that I was not under circumstances to dare ask to know my baby's gender. Also that they were to pick the names and decide how the baby was going to be disciplined since they were experienced parents. That was it for me, I told them it wasn't thier place to tell me what to do, that those decisions are made by my husband and I, that they could advise us, emphasis on "us", not just me and we would possibly take it into consideration if worthy. Needless to say when we got home my husband blew up in my face.

The daughter does not work, lives off of goverment assistance, has lived in her parents rental for five years. She let's the son run wild and dares anyone including her parents to discipline him. She threw a fit because the mother openly disagreed on her marrying a lazy man that claims that he's disabled and does not have job. The daughter has decided to stop working because she doesn't like authority and is tired after only working her only job for 2 yrs after her divorce. My husband parents purchased a new car, babysit the baby while she's out with her boyfriend and spending the goverment assistance money on him, they watch the son while she has boyfriend over in the bedroom. And because she needs her privacy, they rented a duplex 8 ft across from them and are paying for it to be furnished and are paying the rent for her and her unemployed boyfriend. And if she wants they will continue to babysit whenever she wants or if she wants the boy can stay in the room he already has with them.

Ok, so why did I bring that up you wonder? Well, my husband was excited and mentioned to them that if our son ever was babysat by them that it would be and easy and great experience because the baby was going to be well behaved. His father became loud and said, "Who told you we would ever babysit your baby? We will not allow you to even leave him here for an hour and take advantage of us! We are old and we are not responsible for a child that you decided to have!" He said all this while picking up his current grandson to sit in his lap to watch TV. My husband was hurt by this and also became angry, he told his father it was merely a hypothetical and he never would need for them to babysit since he and I were extremely hard workers that had lucrative jobs in order to pay for child care and a confortable life for our son. That it would be rare, even a miracle if they ever got to see our son since him and eye were so involved and attentive to our son and his needs. My husband came home and asked me could I believe what his father said although they pay for his sister, her son and her 28 yr old boyfriend living expenses?

All of a sudden he expects me to make sense of thier warped lives and comments. I don't want to be around the family and I under no circumstances do I stop him from visiting and being involved with them. I am afraid of going there to experience his and his families abuse and how they constantly minimize. Im afraid that they will convince my husband to return to his 100% evil former self, I already hate what he already is starting to do. I'm afraid that my unborn child will harmed by the sisters son while in my belly and after he's born. I'm afraid of ever leaving him with the sister, grandparents or brother. If they hate me, and my husband is so blind and controlled to mention anything and if not just a person that's never going to be good to me, what hope or garauntee do I have that they won't treat my child with the same hate they have for me?????

I wrote all of this which I know is a lot, but I just wonder if I'm wrong or if I'm crazy? Should I worry for my son? I'm an adult, I know my limitations and although it's right, I can take certain abuse but that child should never ever subjected to. I can't stop my husband from his family seeing our son if he desires, but if they mistreat him? Or what if they turn him against me?

Again am I wrong? Am I crazy? Should I let these people tell me how to raise and name my child, to the point of demanding me or my husband not to ask the gender of my child? (although my husband insisted on paying for an early scan to find out the gender :-) ) Am I wrong not wanting to visit them since I'm the target of thier evilness? My baby isn't born yet and I already am thinking of a seperation, but is that going to help me or my baby. My husband is aware of my thoughts and objections and when at home usually agrees and is very loving and nice, but then easily gets mad and says that I'm a liar, that I'm the problem, that he doesn't what I'm talking about or even remembers us talking or agreeing on anything.

What's u guys opinion? I'm tired... I'm sure guys are too. All I can say is: Sorry. I don't anything anymore. I'm sorry.

9 Replies

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  • oh dear Plushes! That is a lot to deal with. First of all you mention that you are able to put up with a small amount of abuse! You or anyone else should not have to under any circumstances dear. I am sorry but what you describe is a bad dysfunctional family full of abuse and manipulation. You mention that your husband changed and become good but be careful as that can also change easily. There is a lot going on but end of the day you need and should bring your baby in a safe environment not one full of abuse, anger, manipulation e.t.c children get damaged emotionally and sometimes also physically in relationships with violence. You need to make the right decision for yourself and your precious baby. What you describe is a toxic environment and also affecting you now emotionally and psychologically and believe me that whatever you feel or experience so does your unborn baby. I can't tell you what to do but open your eyes before it's too late. I am sorry for being too honest but I left my first husband for being violent too, emotionally, physically e.t.c my daughter was two , she is twenty now and that is the best decision that I have ever made. It was tough being a single parent but after witnessing my ex beat up my step daughter who was a teenager and my two year old trembling with fear in the corner I realised that it was time to end it once and for all. I was Lucky to meet a good man eight years later and now have 3 girls with him. In my experience violence should not be tolerated or put up with. For me and my daughter I made the right decision and she is now doing well in her life. Ex is still messed up and has two wives in two countries and yes they both know, he was bad news, violent and manipulative and still is abusing women emotionally from what I have heard. Look after yourself and your unborn child and make the right decision for you both. All the best.....

  • Violence is definitely a no no, from no one. Also your child and hence you need to discuss this with your husband, or consider leaving him if he's violent/ manipulative himself. However as it is your prerogative to do what you want with your child, it is also your in laws prerogative to spend their money how they like on their daughter, lazy or not. So really you need to make a few big decisions,but no one has the right to dictate how your children are disciplined yet, or if you can find out the sex or not. It's really none of their business. If things are so bad I wouldn't consider them having babysit my child, not even the one time ...

  • Believe me, I know and understand why they help her. I totally and fully am not concerned with what is thier business and not mine. I was just give yet another example of confusing, off and contradictive they are. To twist what their sons thought of happiness of the child being loved and cared by them, to saying he or we were trying to take advantage and that would want him around in the situation described. How can you destroy someone's happiness and hope for loving good times when on the other hand you do everything special, kind and supportive for the other grandchild? I was just giving insight of how to me it doesn't make sense to already hate an innocent that will have their blood. Hate me, hate the father. Don't babysit, no worries we won't ask or expect it, but verbalize it, don't hurt us or your son, just keep it to yourself. Don't basically say we have preference or whatever for your sister and grandchild and you and your baby mean nothing. I hoped for them to at least keep their comments to themselves when it came to the baby since my husband insists on the baby being around no matter what.

    I fully agree with your response. I want positivity for my child, if they want to call me names, hate me, gossip about me, ok. But do it to where he cant hear it, hide it, or guess what don't say or do anything at all.

    My character, the way I've lived with and without my husband, the way I carry myself, the I respond to problems, my humbleness, all of that has to give them a clue of my character and weight that I don't deserve what thier doing, especially my child. But like I've also been told, maybe because I'm loving and not a petty evil person, they are jealous and hate that strong and I'm able to take the verbal hits and maintain my character and faulter to thier stupidity. I don't show them how it hurts, I don't show how it affects me and my marriage. I won't give them out of me, but they do see the fire they build within my husband and excited of the mistreatment he does to me in front of them.

    I'm strong, and I'm aware of what I deserve. It's a shame that all this is happening. It's ok that I thought all was ok and I allowed the blessing of child to grow inside me. Now I have to deal with where and will I do next for my baby and I. I needed to ask because I believe that majority of mentally stablelised people say, "Hey, let me get someones take on this situation. A second eye so to speak." Or like some people say, "Maybe I stink but I can't tell. Let me ask my friend or my sister."

    I simply don't care for the treatment they give me and I'm afraid with what I believe is a valid reason for my son.

    Thank you for understanding me, and your support. Your responses are extremely helpful, encouraging and empowering.

    Also, about the violence, my husband pushed me last year and it was shared with my in laws. They especially the mom voiced that it wasn't domestic violence or anything I need to complain about. As long as my husband didn't hit me, I shouldn't complain. About 3 wks after that, my father in law pushed my mother in law and all hell broke loose. My husband of course told me, "Can you believe that my father was physically abusive to my mom?" I tried to understand and comfort my husband but he just so angry that he said that I didn't know how it felt and that I really couldn't care. I responded, "Honey, please just try to calm down a bit. I do know how it feels, I do understand, I do care. What your mother just went through is exactly what you've done to me numerous times. But no since it happened to your mom and hit close or directly to your heart, you now know, understand and feel what it feels like." He gave me a how dare you say that look, then it was a moment of clarity look.

    Just another: Its ok if it happens to me but it's unacceptable and wrong if it happens to them.

    I must find a way and different options and solutions. And you guys have been so helpful and a blessing with your responses. Thank u once again. <3

  • Domestic violence is not just physical. Please get our for your baby's sake.

  • You are a strong and caring lady from what I have read and probably your husband has watched his father abuse his Mum. It's sometimes a vicious cycle, it's good he has experienced it as a grown up man and well done for telling him your feelings. You must protect your child and bring them in a loving, healthy and safe home. My daughter who is 20 years now thanks me for having left when she was two and will never let any man. or anyone else treat her badly or be violent towards her. She wasn't happy with it in the beginning as she was too young but is grateful now, she is very intelligent and in one of the best University/s around, as for me I continue to tell anyone that please love yourself and your kids and make the best decision for yourself. Pregnancy also brings out a lot of emotions and probably that is helping you to actually stand up for yourself and take a stand. Best wishes

  • This is horrific. Please talk to a domestic violence support charity/police etc. You need protection, especially now you're pregnant.

    I am sorry to be blunt, but this family aren't going to change and you deserve better, as does your baby.

    Once you're out, let him know you are willing for arrangements to be made for him to see his child, but on the condition that he behaves appropriately. Please do not accept this anymore.

    Please get out now.

    I hope it works out but it seems to me that the only way in which you can be happy is to have some freedom and the joy of knowing that you cannot be attacked in any way any more.

    18 years of this behaviour doesn't just magically change.

  • You aren't crazy. But they certainly are. You can't risk bringing a child into such a dangerous environment - please, please get out as soon and as safely as you can. Good luck xx

  • Hi ladies as I was reading this it actually made me sick to my stomach and for you to even allow this is insine remember this no one can love you more than yourself and this innocent precious baby your carrying should be your number one concern. If I were you I would run as far as I can away from all of them and know that you'll be all this baby needs.

  • Hi Plushes,

    I am really concerned about you and your baby. As someone already commented, the stress that you are going through right now in your pregnancy can affect your baby even before it is born, those stress hormones your body is releasing will also go through to your baby and could bring on early labour as well as affecting the baby's weight. I am also worried about the relationships you are describing around you, these are not healthy and WILL affect your child in a negative way if nothing is done. I would advise you to go to your local Children's Centre and ask to speak to someone there, some centres have midwives, health visitors, and family support workers. There will definitely be someone there who can advise and support you, and it is confidential and free. If you decide to leave the relationship you are in, they will be able to support you with that too. They will have you and your baby's best interests at the centre of what support they can give you.

    Good luck

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