Has anyone been through verbal and mental abuse from partner whilst pregnant ?

[muffin1983]

Hi im 26 weeks pregnant and since xmas eve my partner has been drinking heavily and taking drugs. I've been through hell. He has his own house but has been living with me. For through past few days I've had to ask him to leave as all he's done is call me everything u can imagine, shout at me and telling me that im a fat lazy cow and he hopes the baby dies. Today he cornered me and went to hit me but then shoved me in the belly. I got my house key bk today so he can't get in without force. Im scared to leave my house has anyone been through this i feel so alone x

[Hidden]

I haven't been through this but you don't have to deal with this!! You are 100% within your rights to call the police and press charges against him but this is a big thing and may not be what you want to do. Otherwise I'd say call a domestic abuse charity such as nationaldomesticviolencehel... there are various options online.

Well done for talking about it and taking action.

Hope you find some help! Xx

[Hidden]

I am so sorry u r going through this I haven't had a relationship like this but what I thought was a friendship. U need to speak to someone as it will carry on if u dont and if its not someone in authority then a family or friend..by the sounds of it he wudnt hesitate to knock the door down. R u in contact with family and friends..cud u stay with someone? He will carry on to do it if u take him bk and after each time apologise tht he wont do it again it was the drink and drugs etc..its a vicious circle. U need to think about u and baby and the fact u dont live together is gd..u need to b strong and leave tht monster x

[Numbers]

Well done for being so strong and getting him to leave and talk with others. I have not been through this so can't be much help other than support.

Please talk to someone, either abuse charities or Samaritans . You need to stay strong.

Also if pressing charges is not for you, please let the police know what has happened so they will keep records and respond ASAP if something further was to happen.

Take care xx

[Hidden]

OMG,

1st of all, well done for getting your key back as it sounds as if your partner has some real issues.

if you don't mind me asking has he done / or shown this type of behaviour towards you before or is this his 1st?

Of course absolutely nothing can excuse his behaviour but this time of the year can be very stressful for many people "both men & women" as the new year has started & maybe facing problems such as debt, & searching for new beginnings which are just so hard to reach.

My advise to you is just before you think about going to the police do you have any family or friends close by who could maybe come & stay with you for a few days as you may "understandably" feel a bit worried about staying in the house by yourself.

[Shortbird76]

Listen hon, don't know if it's the first incident, irrespective that's enough to deal with when your not 26 weeks pregnant let alone when you are.

I've been at met police officer for 17 years and my best advice to you is to inform your local police about the incident even if you do not wish to proceed, they will then have a record. Get your friends on board to help and you can also call upon the DV charities who are also marvellous.

You don't need someone who is that toxic around you when your so vulnerable.

Sorry that's a bit hard hitting but I can't stand cowards like him, that think it's ok to pick on people like you. Chin up Xxx

[Hidden]

So sorry to hear you're going through this and well done for staying strong!

Looking at domestic abuse charities, you could try Women's Aid, National Domestic Abuse Helpline or Refuge. Remember, they are anonymous people, who will not judge you for anything you say, or if you're scared or upset. From there, you may want to speak to the police.

His behaviour is unacceptable and I agree with the other ladies - if you could stay with someone else, that would be good for you too.

I hope things go o.k for you and that you manage to get some help Xx

[muffin1983]

Thank u for all Ur messages. He has done it b4 and i pressed charges on him and he went to prison. I was stupid enough to get bk with him.

I went to my friends earlier to get away for a break. Me and my wee dog got dinner and a cuddle from her wee boy. Im now home and it looks like someone has been trying my door when I've been out.

Ive messaged my neighbour to see if that's the case but think he's scared of him. Worst thing is he only lives 2 door up from me so he's always going to be lurking about.

Domestic charities ask me to do counselling but don't think im stable enough for that. Just wish he would give me peace but i know that won't happen. I'll need to start calling the police. Its going to b hard to sleep tonight cos i keep thinking someone is at the door.

Im just scared all this stress is going to harm my baby.

[Hidden in reply to muffin1983]

Can no one come and stay with you? x

[muffin1983 in reply to Hidden]

No they all have kids and i haven't told my parents yet. They go on holiday on Sunday and i don't want to ruin it for them worrying about me x

[Hidden in reply to muffin1983]

Oh my goodness! You poor thing, you are not stupid to take him back, don't blame yourself! Some people learn the error of their ways. Unfortunately this person you are with hasn't! Perhaps shortbird76 is the best person to advise but perhaps the police in your area can arrange a restraining order against him?

I understand your concerns about telling mum and dad because of their holiday. How long are you away for?

Could you pack up and go to theirs while they are away or would your other half try to find you there too? This really is a terrible position for you to be in and the fact that the charities aren't willing to help is not right at all! xx

[muffin1983 in reply to Hidden]

Im going to move into my mums when she leaves tomorrow for a week. Hopefully not being like next door to each other might help. I miss him tho and i hate myself for it x

[Hidden in reply to muffin1983]

Also just to add.. throughout my pregnancy, my midwife asked me a few times if all was ok in my relationship and if I was being abused by anyone at all? It was their standard questioning apparently!! Dunno if your midwife has mentioned it to you but maybe speak to her, they may have specialist contacts for pregnant ladies in abusive relationships xx

[muffin1983 in reply to Hidden]

My midwife asked me at 13 week scan but we were so happy then and nothing had happened. Im scared to tell them incase when i have baby social work etc get involved i don't want them taking my baby off me or something x

[Hidden in reply to muffin1983]

They can't take you baby from you! Perhaps if you still lived together they would intervene for the safety of the baby but because you he won't be living with you, they cannot take baby! You have done nothing wrong at all xx

[sammi123]

just wanted to send big hugs to u! ive been in a violent relationship before not whilst pregnant tho but had ablack and blue face with stitches in my eyebrow where id been headbutted, footprints down my back and a bruised body. i ran out of the flat towards a main road and luckily there was a police car doing a u-turn. I later stupidly dropped the charges against him and let him get away with it even after finding out i wasnt the 1st girl hed attackd, but i couldnt stress to u enough about how much i wish i went thru with the charges and watched his pathetic sorry self go to prison for what hed done!! Please dont let him get away with it like i did, it really makes my blood boil how they think they can intimidate us like this ive never seen him since (lucky for him my dad and brothers havnt either) please get out now hun all u need is ur beautiful bubba...dont let him get away with it. xxx

[muffin1983 in reply to sammi123]

Im so sorry for what u went through and don't beat Ur self up on what u should of done.

I know that when he is sober he is a kind nice guy and i would like my baby to meet his dad. I just feel like im in limbo its not all real sometimes x

[virginijav]

I was not aware that there's is laws against this up until i started to work for NHS, only just before Xmas the advert came out about domestic abuse. it does not have to be physical but mental is even worse,.. statistic show that most domestic abuse starts when woman is pregnant, once you give birth it will get worse, he even might take it out on your baby. tell your midwife about this, if he is out of your house and don't have key to get in don't let him in. he will tell you it will not happen again he will change and he loves you. the truth is he will be nice until something you do gets on his nerves and it will start again. ask for help from professionals and family. it will be better for you and your baby if he is not in your life. at least you will not be bullied, abused or scared. if he tries to get in your house call police. don't be scared to get him in trouble, its your and your baby's safety that matter.

I will tell some of my story.so you would know that I do understand and know what i am talking about. I was 19 when started going out with this guy, at first it was perfect, then after six months things started taking turn. he started telling me what to eat and not to eat, how to dress, basically he started controlling every aspect of my life. i was cut off from my family and friends. i was followed everywhere i went and if i spoke to anyone he did not know i was interrogated. i have spinal fractures and had serious head injury and suffer with severe back pain and migraine attacks. with him i was forced to exercise intensively for at least 1 hour everyday. if he wanted to have sex i had to do what he wanted when he wanted, he also had another woman living in the house and sleaping in our bed and i had to sleep in cold and moldy basement and god give if i said anything. i did all the cleaning and cooking and had to earn money, at one point i had 3 jobs, i also had to earn and save enough money and get a boob job. this was my life for 5 years. then after i had second operation on my womb surges said that if i want to have children i have to start trying now. when i said this to him he went mental. told me that i am not fit to be a mum. his mum and gran saw me crying and when i told them what happened they helped me get away from him. i told him i am leaving him that i want to have family and want to find someone who wants same. he called me all names under the sun and told me that now i own him £5500. he intimidated me for long time and because i was scared i was giving him that money when i got paid. after a while i met my current partner and my children s father. up until this day he says that if he ever comes near me he will kill him and i still have issues. i keep asking him if he liked his meal and still sometimes get scared when i have not cleaned the house because i was in a lot of pain. but he does understand and when hes home he will send me to bed and do everything himself. when i was pregnant with my son i suffered with severe morning sickness and he looked after me. if not for him i would not been able to go through that pregnancy. and even this pregnancy is not easy. but at least i feel safe and truly loved. if i am in one of those low moods and call myself fat whale or cow or something else, he will stop me and tell me that i am pregnant and beautiful. i sometimes kick myself for being with that man for so long. and letting him do that to me.

I don't want any woman to go through what i went. be strong and do what is best for yourself and your baby. you need to be happy and feel safe. Good look and be strong.

[muffin1983 in reply to virginijav]

Im really sorry u had to go through all of this. Im so glad ur away from that relationship and found someone that is true to u.

Thank u for responding to me. I have spoken to him and we have decided we need to split up. He wants access to his child which i don't want to take away from him. Earlier he was sober and so considerate. I went shopping and telephoned him and get was slurring his words so he's defo bk on it.........

Before xmas eve get was sober for 6 months and did everything for me. Now this has all changed i feel so lost.

I've lost my best friend and the man i loved.

I never went through the hell u did and u r an inspiration as u now have the life u truly deserve and a man who loves u xx god bless u xx

[virginijav in reply to muffin1983]

thanks, just be strong, once your baby is born you'll realise the strengh you have as a woman and a mother. think of yourself and your baby.

[muffin1983]

I would not give him unsupervised access at this moment. I don't even trust him to walk our dog and our dog will not go near him now but she used to adore him. I have couple if doc appointments this week and a scan so might say something then just don't want it effecting me & my baby. X

[Hidden in reply to muffin1983]

You should say something if you feel you can! They will do all they can to help, perhaps they will suggest counselling as well, consider taking it up as you will need to come to terms with the situation as much as you can before your baby arrives. All your attention will need to be focused on baby, you don't want to be worrying about him in the 1st few weeks of your baby's life.

Your other half may be encouraged to get some help too. For you, knowing he is in a better place will probably make visits an easier experience for all of you. And if he can have help getting off the alcohol, this is a step in the right direction for you being comfortable with him having access weather it's supervised or not xx

[ameliam]

hi,

the police officer and social worker who replied are right and I work in criminal justice too, and am social work qualified. At the moment one of the things I lead on locally for my organisation is domestic violence. Please report this to someone officially, the ONLY time I've seen social work intervene in these sorts of cases is where they assess the "victim" can't adequately protect the child or baby. You're already doing this by making these posts and taking the key back so print these out and show them to someone who will keep an official record.

Also sadly domestic abuse can start or increase with pregnancy and it's not unusual for men to hit out at the bump and it's hardly ever a one off. It can also peak at Xmas, following England internationals, etc etc.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and sorry I've been so blunt but it's so important to protect you and your baby. One way or another you're likely to have an ongoing relationship as he's the father of the baby so it really is best to prepare for the worst, ie continuing abuse, and you can still hope for the best. If you decide to stay with him after all please still talk to a Dv charity as they can help you with safety planning and they won't judge your decision to be with him, but will help you and baby be safe.

Good luck and remember you've probably done the hardest thing telling someone now, build on that strength. xx