As you may know, I have been living in my familial home since my father's death in 2008 (2009-present). The house was granted to my brother and I as 50%/50% but in 2012 my brother sold his 50% to me for $1, which was extremely nice. My brother is three years younger than I and will be retiring in 2025, so he will only have his pension, unless he finds another job. He has worked for the USMS since 1994, ironically, the same year that I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (I was age 26 and he was only age 23). He lives in Florida, and I am in Pennsylvania. He told me Friday that he "has no money" to help me with house repairs etc. anymore, and that I should move out and get an apartment. Ouch!
Okay, I guess I understand, but my head is spinning. First, I don't know where to turn. I am divorced and live alone and have no friends but thank God for my rescue kitty. She has provided me so much comfort since I adopted her. So, this is officially the fifteenth year that I have been living here. My brother has helped me with replacing both furnace and hot water tank in 2020, but as you know things break, etc.
Although I pay all my property taxes, county taxes, etc., I thought my brother would help me if something happened, well, I guess he will be "retired" and "on a fixed income" and states I should leave the house. Since I am a SLMB, the state of Pennsylvania, pays for my monthly Medicare supplement, and because my medical expenses are above $35 a month, I get $23 in food stamps and do get LIHEAP assistance for my gas heat in the winter. Every little bit helps, right? I am thankful that I worked more than twenty years after my MS diagnosis, but SSDI only goes so far, and I don't know what to do about my situation. I need advice and input. It appears my brother is cutting me out of his life (financially and emotionally). This hurts.
But, I don't think he has really accepted my MS diagnosis. He thinks I should still be working. I reconnected with a friend and went walking with her a few times a week. Perhaps my brother is bitter, as he "in essence gave me the house" and has helped me out but he is no longer doing it. He said for me to move into an apartment so a "landlord" can fix things when they break. As I said, I pay for all taxes, etc, so I have little money to repair things when they break, etc. I don't know where to turn.
Since I get assistance with my monthly Medicare premium, I also get the SLMB (specific low-income assistance) with my DMT, so selling the house, impacts things for me, as this house is the only asset that I have. How do I sell it and move to an apartment? I am only age 56 but turning age 57 in March. In about 5-7 years, age 62-64ish?, I thought about moving into a Continuing Care Community, which is very expensive, but with the proceeds of both my automobile and my house, I may be able to afford it? My head is spinning, and I am devastated as he is not emailing with me and will not return any of my texts.
In sum: I don't know where to turn. I'm seeking input. Do I stay here until I am old enough to sell the house and move into a continuing care community? Or to I stay here and hope that "charities" or the like can help me if something breaks? I am low-income and disabled, but still so young only age 57 and although SPMS, "I still look so good." But I am devastated. I don't know where to turn and don't know what to do. I can't quit crying or get a full night's sleep anymore. I definitely will call the MSAA Help Line on Monday as I need someone to talk to, but in the meantime, I'm hoping my MSAA Community can help "turn the Titanic around" so to speak.
What advice or options can you share? I don't know what to do. If I sell the house, my only asset will become "liquid" and I don't have anyone who would agree to help me with a special needs trust. And, I am not old enough yet to move into a continuing care community, and what do you do if you "out-live" your money? I am blessed in many ways, but now I am quite distraught and confused and don't know where to turn (my brother is my only family) and I don't have the money to hire an elder law attorney to guide me, etc.
Thanks so much for your input. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Blessings! 😇🙏🙂🤞😽
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DM0329
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I think you should sell the house and give your brother 1/2 of the money. I think you should do all you can to reconnect with your brother. Best wishes to you!
Unfortunately, I just called him and gave him that option. I said yes; let's sell the house. I will give you fifty percent of the proceeds, if you can help me decide where to go, etc.
Unfortunately, he won't talk to me. He's upset at how my late father "bailed me out" when I was drowning in debt. He is angry that he is my only family member, and has helped me out, but now will be living on more of a fixed income.
Years ago, I suggested "family therapy" but he is angry and deflecting about the past and things that he is angry about. He promptly got off the phone.
It's difficult, because he is a nice guy but doesn't fully understand the "predicament" of living with MS and being low-income etc.
Again, my head is spinning, etc. Until we can both communicate it's just awful. He suggests that I get a room at the local nursing home. I said you have to be "medically needy" to get into a nursing home. I tried to explain to him the option of a continuing care community maybe in 5-7 years (age 62-67ish?).
Make some detailed lists of pros and cons: What do you like about your current home and what do you hate? Maybe it brings you emotional comfort but there are 3 staircases that you have trouble maneuvering. You love seeing the morning sun from your bed but cringe when you see the snake that winters on your back porch. You like your neighbors but don't have easy access to transportation.
Make another list of what needs to be done to the house or what is likely to fail in coming years. Be realistic about this. Don't include tornadoes and house fires unless you live in Tornado Alley or have a habit of smoking in bed. The furnace and hot water tank should be good for a long time, so how about the roof and the plumbing? Are the floors stable? Is the foundation collapsing? Make a fourth list of your finances, everything coming in and everything going out. Which types of help will you lose if you get rid of the house? Are there any regular purchases that could be cut out or reduced, with that money going into a Rainy Day repair fund? Is Weatherization an option for you now or farther down the road? How do your current expenses compare to a rental?
Add to these lists over a period of several weeks. Don't rush through it. Then see which columns outweigh the others. Right now, you've worked yourself into a panic. Your relationship with your brother has been spotty for a long time. It's down to the wire now, and you feel like he's abandoned you. You're understandably overwhelmed, so take it step by step and look at one issue at a time.
How much of your worries are from making mountains out of molehills and how much is truly urgent? I'm asking this because I'm currently dealing with an older relative in a similar situation. Her house is basically solid but needs a few minor repairs and a lot of cosmetic updates. She's worked herself into a frenzy because she “knows” that she can't afford any of it in spite of not getting estimates on the actual repairs. She's convinced herself that everything's going to begin failing soon, and she's also extremely focused on the appearance. It needs a coat of paint. It needs new patio furniture. Well, no. It doesn't need those things. She WANTS those things, which is a different matter entirely. She's tired of mowing the yard. But she can afford to hire someone to do that. She has trouble driving a car. But there are other options available to her that she just refuses to use. The amount she'll be paying in rent is far more than any reasonable repair costs to her current house. In my opinion, the benefits of staying far outweigh those of moving in her situation, because the things she's fussing over either don't really matter or may never happen.
This is ultimately a decision that only you can make. If keeping the house is stressing you out so much that you can't think about anything else, then maybe it's time to sell it “as is” and move elsewhere. But research the places you're considering. Find out about waiting lists and unwritten rules. Visit them in person and talk to the people who already live there. Is it one where you'll have to sign over your assets and nearly all of your income? Will it provide care until the end of your life, or will you have to move again as your condition worsens or you run out of Savings? Can you keep your cat? Is there ample parking for both residents and visitors? Look calmly at the pros and cons and be honest with yourself. For me, home ownership has always been an important part of my identity. You take away my house, and I'll shrivel up and become an empty shell. I'd rather see mine fall down around my ears than have to move. But that's just me. No one can make this choice for you, but the worst thing you can do is act on panic.
Thanks for your suggestions. You've made some very good points too. Since this is the house, I grew up in, I've always thought of it as "temporary" because without my brother's assistance (replaced hot water tank and furnace in 2020), I would have never thought to move in here upon my father's death.
My brother always said "live like an adult" when I would suggest moving home with my father after my mother's death (2006) as the MS fatigue was really getting to me in my early forties. I thought, I could perhaps live with my father and help him since my mother's passing and wait until my SSDI was approved, but my brother objected. "Live like an adult" was his response and I thought okay maybe I can work a few more years?
But, when my father passed away only two years later, I knew it was time to apply and see what happened with my SSDI application. Well, since I was dx at age 26, DMTs weren't available until age 29, and I applied at age 46, twenty years since dx. But my MRIs have tons of damage and black holes, and I am blind in my right eye, the balance/bladder issues along with the MS fatigue and cognitive dysfunction, and my neurologist's support, I was approved in only six months.
But the two-year wait until Medicare kicked in (while I was paying over $600 a month on COBRA) exhausted all of my savings and my small inheritance from my father. The house is all I have, but I don't know how to protect it (the assets from the sale) if I have to sell and move. I thought using it to pay for my care perhaps in a continual care community, if needed.
But I'm just thinking outloud, as I suspect my brother is as well. He was stressed as I had to hire a furnace repairman a few days ago. And, it was a $200 repair, but it was a repair. I told him that I think LIHEAP will help low-income folks if their furnace can't be repaired, but I don't really know these things. I always joked that "I'd jump off that bridge when I came to it." Funny Not Funny.
I would check with a commission on aging service or similar agency that may be able to answer many of your questions. I also agree that you should offer to share the proceeds from the house with your brother if you decide to sell, at the very least offer to reimburse him the money he has given you for repairs over the years.
Have you considered renting out a bedroom, taking in a roommate or two to help with expenses
Yes; that's a good option (renting out a room) but with the global pandemic I've been hesitant to proceed with that option. I really think it's the stressors that he is going through being my only relative to a sister with MS, you know?
I have a roof over my head and a cat who seems to be a superior cuddle buddy and a furnace that is now working as it's snowing here.
This is the catalyst to "make plans" serious plans and to facilitate my brother's understanding. He is in a bad place too, he can't help that I have MS am on SSDI. I only hope we can weather the storm together.
Thanks for your input too. I have been waiting until I am over age sixty, because even the state of Pennsylvania doesn't help folks on Medicare who are low-income until they are over age 60.
I worked too long with MS prior to applying for SSDI, so I am just a smidge above getting any real assistance, but I will proudly take any assistance I can get, you know?
Thanks for your input. I think I have to wait until "age 60" in Pennsylvania to cross that threshold for age-related assistance. Right now, it's just based on my social security disability amount.
Thankfully, I worked until I could no work no longer. I have to focus on the positive: I have heat now whereas I did not two days ago, right?
I don't have anything constructive to add, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry that your situation has become so complicated and stressful. I wish you the best.
I agree. Get a roommate! Rent is astronomical and keeps going up. You don’t want to be priced out of every living option. Besides, renting with a pet is much higher.
I understand the health risk of having a roommate but you could minimized the shared spaces.
Yes, you could get a roommate or more than one roommate. You could rent out space in that house to help pay the bills. I did that for a while but eventually gave up and sold the house as I could tell that whatever was wrong with me was making life difficult and wasn't going away. I hadn't yet found out it was MS.
I've never regretted getting rid of that house. I had owned houses before, and they are always a bigger responsibility than a person realizes. Roofs need repair, water heaters go on the fritz, maybe there are carpenter ants or other pests, and on and on. It's costly and takes up huge amounts of time and energy just to deal with all of it. Then there are the taxes.
But I have even rented out a parking space in a house I owned. Not having a car, I was still entitled to a parking space--and soon found that there were people willing to pay me $15/month for it (back in the late 1970s when that was more money than now).
Unless you really enjoy plumbing and wiring and other house maintenance issues (and some people genuinely do), I think you should sell the house.
One option for you might be project-based HUD rental housing. I've lived in it for over 40 years. My mother, who was in a wheelchair with rheumatoid arthritis, lived in it too. The rent should be only 30% of your income, and medical expenses can lower that rent. Every state has this type of housing but there are often long waiting lists, sometimes years.
I've known other people with MS who've been in this type of housing even though they are young. Often you can qualify for it even though you're under age 62. I was about 43 when I first moved into a HUD rental apartment, and a neighbor my age also had MS.
Now I'm still in this type of apartment though in another state, and a neighbor has a chronic neurological disability that isn't MS but she came in here younger than most people.
If you don't mind living among mostly senior citizens, and I didn't mind, this could be an option for you.
Have you spoken to a realtor and had your house appraised? You need to know how much you’ll potentially net if you sell. Have you checked out where you’re thinking of moving to and the cost? They charge for everything.
Yes; I know, it's very expensive. I simply don't know what to do. Unfortunately, my brother hasn't responded to any of my inquiries. I don't know if he's ceasing all communication or what? I'm emotionally falling apart right now. I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do? My health should be the focus, but I understand that "he wants nothing to do with me" I guess but it hurts horribly.
Tough situation lits good advice. Renting & continual care will continue to increase & eat up your savings. If there are orgaett nizations that can help you with major items that would be good to research. If you get a roommate run checks for credit & social history & take a good deposit.
bless you for i can't help but i am hoping someone will have some great ideas for you ...love and hoping for some wonderful help and happiness for you ...
Lots of good ideas here. Does PA have a volunteer lawyer program? IN does and we used them to get guardianship of one of our sons. They were so nice!
Someone mentioned a senior program here to connect with. Perhaps you can look up all the various programs in your area and spend a day on the phone. They may not be the correct agency, but they can refer you to others. Make yourself a list of all the things you need help with. Keep things written down so you don't forget and see if you can find answers.
As to your brother, well, perhaps he needs some space as it sounds like he is going through some changes as well so he may need time to adjust to his own issues. Offer to help him and be a listener. Does he need calls made to figure some of his things out? Not all help requires money. I would love to have someone listen to me at times. Just to spew the worries, etc. can be really helpful!
I wish you much luck with all that's on your plate now. Remember that you can't eat an entire meal in one bite which holds true when you have a lot going on. Take a bite at a time. As you cross things off your list, you will see progress, which will then give you a sense of accomplishment. That will lift your spirits.
Prayers for you and your brother as you both find your ways.
Thank you for your feedback. I like the "one bite at a time" reference. Indeed, today I am thinking of staying in the house for as long as possible because I just learned that the continual care community, I was thinking about in 5-7 years, is being sold.
My focus really should be my health. My emotional well being is not good. I finally got my brother to text with me for a bit and he is really angry with me. He says I am "manic" and need the appropriate medication. Again, he isn't supportive at all, but perhaps he is just "laying down the line" that I am retiring in 2024, you must look elsewhere if you need assistance?
In a way I get it, but financial help is one thing, but emotional help is another. If he and I could even speak somewhat regularly, but that doesn't happen. He actually drove up to visit with me last year, and he said I wasn't appreciative of his visit, but I was, but I guess not to his standards? It seems we need therapy or to truly try to listen to each other and understand the other's point of view.
Emotionally, I have been a wreck this weekend. I have to focus on my health and hoping that my latest MRI is stable. As I will be age 57 ten weeks, until I reach age 60, in Pennsylvania, I don't really qualify for any age-related assistance.
Yes, I have SPMS, but I still "look so good." Perhaps I have to just "calm down" and understand that David is telling me to look elsewhere for financial assistance. However, he did replace both the furnace and the hot water tank four years ago. So, perhaps he is stressed too about his upcoming retirement.
I am blessed in many ways. Perhaps it's time for me realize that and to research what charities or the like may be able to help me. Once I reach age 60, my options are more, but I am still only age 56 soon to be age 57.
Perhaps the shock of the news has finally calmed down a bit, and I will have to approach the problems as they appear. Research charities and organizations that may help me, when the repairs and problems present themselves.
My brother's financial assistance has ended, but I hope he can still provide emotional assistance and maybe continue to drive up and visit me in the summers. That would be nice, but he is so distant in miles and in emotional support.
Emotionally, I have been somewhat panic-stricken and have reached out to my MSAA community. My anxiety sometimes gets the best of me, but I'm sure everyone here understands.
Again, thanks for your response. It helps me to know that I am not alone, and folks here get "it."
I bet your brother is wary when you reach out, wondering if you are coming at him for money. Have you ever thought about writing your brother a letter (or email) spelling out how you treasure him for just being your brother? Write it up and read it carefully to make sure there is nothing he can take as a "hidden agenda" in it.
depends on condo. Usually responsible for things inside of condo, and some utilities. I had to put in furnace/a/c for $3800 and fix my kitchen to tune of $12K since HOA failed to maintain outside of building and had serious water damage. Ins doesnot pay for negligent maintenance. Eventually got some but not all back. I carry condo & flood insurance.. Pd it off but as I said the fees went up 15% monthly over two years. Still cheaper than rent. Love the bayou in the back & my neighbors, but the HOA not very good and doesn't do anything and lots of unresolved issues. Check out management company and talk to some owners if you do go that route. But take a deep breathe and take your time.
Pray for your brother and let God do his thing. Sometimes we cant isolate other people's issues nor can they. Ask for peace and it will help you to live in peace and hopefully some healing. Did your brother not have a retirement fund? Sometimes retiring is an unknown venture and he may be anxious about it. He just has to adjust his living standards to his new income and who hasn't had to do that. Hopefully he will enjoy his free time & be productive.
Hope you find some peace and one day write and advise us that you had a good meal with your brother.
All the ideas have been good and I can only offer my 2 cents worth.Have your home appraisal done. There is no cost for an appraisal. You need to find a realtor that will work for a low commission. If that is your only liquid asset you need to stay a topof that. Your house can depprisate hundreds of dollars a day.
I think an apartment is the best choice and you can still rent out the 2nd bedroom. Any apartment has to supply with the Americans Disability Act. But you have control of the money from the sale of the house.
As far as your brother goes has he come down with a Disability?
There's no reason to be retired at age 55 while the governments retirement age is 65.
I don't get along with my family.
I'm sorry he won't comicate with you but he can't call himself poor. These are choices he made and leaving you out of communication.
Thanks for your input. Unfortunately, due to his job, he HAS to RETIRE at age 58, as his level of physical fitness is VITAL to HIS JOB DUTIES, per the federal government (he is in federal law enforcement, and at age 58 "you must retire"). He has been working there since age 23, so age 55 (officially next year) has had a good run of service.
Although I just spent this morning on the telephone with the National Multiple Sclerosis Society asking for guidance and feedback on my concerns (how does a 57 yo woman with SPMS sell her house AND NOT LOSE HER GOVERNMENT BENEFITS?
As a SLMB, the house is my only asset, unfortunately, and I am blessed to live here, but I barely survive on my modest SSDI, even though I worked 20+ years after my MS dx. Thankfully, I qualify for the low-income subsidy for my MS tx, but how do I hire an elder care attorney to sell the house?
A special needs trust? Who administers that (my family wants nothing to do with it, etc.). Things are so complicated. I don't need this additional stress, but perhaps someday I will look back on this and say to myself, "It was in my best interest to get out of that house too." I feel like a hermit here. I have no real friends and only recently rescued a kitten, who is my only real emotional support, so you get the idea of how tough things can be for me.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Monday, January 8, 2024, is my first step on trying to accommodate my brother's wishes of selling the house and moving to an apartment. How, when, where is yet TBD. Unfortunately, it seems that I will need a team of experts for this issue too. Yikes! Can it ever be easy peasey?
But I am so thankful for our MSAA Chat at HealthUnlocked. Honestly, where would I be without all of my fellow MSers here? Again, thank you all for providing your input. I am eternally grateful. Blessings! 😇🙏🙂🤞😽
Did the state indicate that they would lower your payments if you sold the house?What you need to do is apply for social security disability. If you qualify your monthly payments would probably increase but you would still need to get a Medicare provider. SSI is much easier to work with less restrictions as the state.
I don't want to sound like your brother but it's time for you to take charge of both your medical issues as well as your financial long term needs.
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Help and advice needed!
Some Advice Needed Please!
Wish me luck!
OMG: Another tuxedo kitty
