Have you ever put you first? How does one do that? Is it doable? I’ve been married since I was 18, a mother at the same age, been with the same man for 42+ years. He and I or at least I am on a trial separation albeit in the same house. We are trying couples counseling, just started. Today I told him I just want to be happy, I want to put me first. He clearly isn’t getting the seriousness of this trial every night asks me why I won’t come to bed, I really believe he is broken. He mentally cannot see what I am unhappy about and literally tells me the good things he does and it’s not true. If he believes what he says I don’t think it’s fixable. I question is this his Parkinson’s? What if it is, I am a total $hithead. How do you put you first and if you don’t why not?
Have you ever?: Have you ever put you... - My MSAA Community
Have you ever?
I have so many things to say, and I hope they come out right. First of all, I am so sorry. Sorry that you've reached this point and sorry that he's not understanding. Our generations were raised to never put ourselves first. We were wives and mothers, not people. We have always been the ones to wear last year's clothes, go without a coat or boots, and use the cracked plate. Whether we worked outside the home or not, we didn't get sick days. Vacations were where the husband/father chose to go, and we still had to cook, clean, and watch the children.
Do you still love your husband, or are you only with him out of a sense of duty? Has your marriage been pretty solid over the years, or were you just two people doing your best to deal with the life you walked into? If you care about this man and the home you've built together, then give the counseling a chance. While still sharing the house, make a conscious effort to do things for yourself, little things that make you happy. Buy a bag of Dove chocolates and eat them all by yourself. Have a super-deluxe pizza delivered at midnight. Take a long bubble bath. Pack a small bag and have a solitary picnic in the woods. If he's physically able to do things for himself, then let him handle his own meals, dishes, and laundry. If he's not, find the money to hire someone to help him. You are no longer in a position to be his full-time caregiver.
I was married for 16 years and then single for 15 before I learned how to be me again. We'd never had a good base; he was a con man just looking for a traditional wife. I regret that I jumped into marriage too quickly, and I regret that I stayed too long. If I'd just put myself first a few times and not lost myself in being NorasMom and Mrs. NorasMom I think I would have been healthier, happier, and not as willing to let myself be sucked into a losing situation.
Don't make any rash decisions, but consciously begin focusing on yourself. Do what YOU want to do at any given moment, even if it seems silly. Find some peace and contentment inside yourself and then figure out what to do with the husband. You have every right to be happy. Don't live your life out of a sense of guilt.
I do still love him but he’s given up, he was diagnosed with PD 2015, was type 2 diabetic since he was 25, terrible eater in 2021 he totally ignored signs of heart attack, walked out of ER AMA because they wanted to do angiogram he was terrified. I emailed all his dr letting them know that he is ignoring symptoms taking nitro glycerin like tic tacs, damn drs believed his lies. My emails so I’ve been told saved his life he had double bypass and aortic valve replaced. Apparently all the neck and shoulder pain was an infection in his heart caused by bad tooth he never told me about out of fair. Now post heart surgery, the sob has the audacity to order bacon and pineapple pizza with extra cheese. They sent him home with Mediterranean plan, I’ve been on it since spring dropped 60 pounds I love it doesn’t feel like a diet, he knows what I’m cooking he doesn’t want he orders crap out, he never takes his daily meds 33 of them 6 for heart, 3 for diabetes, 11 for PD, the rest for depression, major depressive order. He still can’t manage himself. Dr said walk 30 minutes a day and increase we were doing great but then I broke ankle in September. He won’t walk without me he won’t do anything without me, he has no friends, he had one good one he died few years ago. We moved his parents to a facility near us so we could be with them Alzheimer’s made it no longer safe to be at home. Covid hit both his parents died within a year of each other. He has shut down, doesn’t care about his health cries often. Now how do I sound. He has shut down he does nothing around the house can’t finish a task, gets mad when I ask for something simple, no matter how I ask it was the wrong way. My children have very strained relationships with him. I don’t rh8nk he can be half the man he use to be, he will be 61 tomorrow. He so handsome and I’m still very attractive to him but I hate the weakness. The waiting to die look he has had for a few years now. I do love him, the man he was, I don’t have a partner, I hire people for yard or small repairs, he gets pissed says I got ripped off yet he won’t do it. He stopped working in 2015, barely making a quarter of what he made in a month. I still work FT pay all the bills. He is a hoarder, I have been waiting for 15 years for him to clean out the basement, I won’t go down there moldy. My MS is affected by my stress and unhappiness which is mostly from him. So I am in the guest bedroom, Bella stuck by my side, new back fence being installed for my second dog who will come home week after Xmas. Fence pissed him off said it’s my money I paid fir fence and puppy for me and Bella. My attempt to put me first. Stay tuned my MS friends so grateful to be able to ar my $hit. Thank you peace
I like NorasMom’s advice. Start doing more for you. I feel unqualified to offer an understanding of what could be PD and what is simply him being stubborn. But from what I do know about it, it changes people drastically. My good friend in Kansas has a husband with it and she says he is very different from the man she married. She had to place him in assisted living due to his disability. One thing I know is that we must never feel uncomfortable putting our needs up front. We raised children, ran homes, worked and did a myriad of community work. If we have not earned the right to be in the front of the line, when will we? So step up and enjoy the view from the front! You deserve it. If he doesn’t want to support you emotionally, it might be time to take more drastic measures. Only you can decide. My thoughts are with you, Kelly
I am sorry that you are having to deal with such a difficult situation. You have been given some excellent advice, but what you do must come from you. Your needs MUST be met, and who is going to do that? All the people, causes or groups that you have given your time, love and support all these years aren't going to put you first. Only you can do that, and yes, it is time. It is not selfish to want to be happy, and it not selfish to do the things that make you happy. I believe that each of us is responsible for the choices we make, including how we treat ourselves. You are responsible for the choices you make for you, just as your husband is is responsible for the choices he makes. I hope and pray that you will chose to do what is right for YOU, whatever makes you happy. Linda
thank you so much the feedback it’s giving me courage. We have appt with counselor next week, our home work, lists. What do you love about ur spouse. What do you want or miss from your spouse. What are your responsibilities at the house. I imagine we won’t get thru my list. Got to try
So sorry to hear. My dad has Parkinson’s. My family lives with my parents in their home. Similarly, he doesn’t do any tasks around the house because of his limited mobility and arthritis pain (he is in a wheelchair) and my mom has become his caregiver. Thankfully, he will take his meds! He will still listen to reason, for now. Truly, he would eat worse if he could be more mobile and order pizzas and get to the front door. So his limited mobility lets us make him eat somewhat healthy! He is not the man he once was and he watches tv all day. He doesn’t really have friends. I see my mom and her frustrations and we try to help as much as we can. I’m grateful that she feels more sorry for him rather than mad. I don’t have any answers for you, but I commiserate with you and know the evils of Parkinson’s and I will lift up prayer for you. Truly, God gives me strength to keep going. May He give you the the strength to keep going, too.
how old is your dad? He has never taken his meds correctly, NEVER. Guilt creeps in am I horrible he has PD. He looks like a man waiting to die. Next to his recliner a shrine on end table multiple pic of his parents. I talk to his docs thru mychart I email them all the same message he has new pcp who is young and all over him. He has shrink for all his psych meds and someone he talks to, she is the person trying to marriage counselor us. I think his pcp set appt with new dr behavioral psychologist it’s in a week or two he and I talk he wants to see if husband is medically impaired because he can’t take his pills won’t leave house unless I go. Failure to thrive I believe was the comment he made. My plate is too f’ing full. Peace.
My dad is 72. Diagnosed with Parkinson’s about 3-4 years ago. Glad to hear that you try to advocate for him and talk to the doctors for him. At this point, my dad’s speech is kinda slurred and he doesn’t type well, so it’s basically my mom or me or one of my siblings who will email his doctors for him. It’s such a difficult place to be where your husband needs you to survive and yet doesn’t show any love or gratitude to you. My dad will still say the occasional “thank you” and I need to remember that it’s the Parkinson’s and not him purposely being mean. It must be incredibly difficult for you. But be free from guilt! You are doing the best you can. Hang in there!
so helpful you have no idea thank you
If he's not happy going to couple's counseling, go for yourself! In fact, even add your own to the couple's. I am a firm believer in talk therapy. It has helped me so much! It will give you a safe place to vent and work through what you are feeling and needing.
You've been given some sound advice. Taking care of yourself is essential to your life. In times of distress & good times too, I turn to Jesus. I get the comfort & the answers I need. Prayers for both of you.🙏🤗
it could be his parkinson's, but that doesn't make you a s***head. you are ill, too. my mum was healthy and totally drained by caring for him. i kept telling her to 'put herself first,' so to speak and she wouldn't because she felt guilty. as he became sicker, she became more tired and more frustrated, creating tense moments for both of them. she finally took my advice and sent him to respite care for a weekend. she laid in bed all weekend. when he got back, she told me i was right, she felt better. he hated it, but calmed down after i talked to him about how tired she was.
every once in a while, she'd send him to respite care at VA. when he was with us, she'd still take time to do little things that made her happy.
i think her refusal at first came from her age group and the ways women were expected to be non people: just mothers and wives, needing nothing for themselves. it was always a myth that these two roles alone made women fulfilled and happy, but she grew up when women who said it wasn't enough for them were considered unnatural.
even if he's well enough to help you with things, he might forget and think he did it. or he might be afraid to tell you how hard things are for him. my dad pretended he could do more than he could. it's a hard, painful situation. and you are ill, too, so i hope you take care of yourself first. whenever someone talks about being even a part-time carer, i remember how my mum was and ask them to remember this:
you take care of yourself first, because if you're too rundown to help him, what will he do?🤗
thank you, helps hearing the care giver fatigue and that it could be his PD making him more difficult. feeling a bit defeated today looking forward to tomorrow
🤗
I just wanted to let you know that though this post was from some days ago, I remember you and your husband in my prayers today.
My mom is finally coming around to the idea of hiring a caregiver to help my dad once or twice a week. She needs a break. With my mobility not being good, and my hubby out working, my dad really needs someone to encourage him to brush his teeth and wash his hands and so many other little things he skips.
Sending a virtual hug.
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