Intrusive thoughts and arousal

[G0ldenwr0ught]

hi everybody- I have a question regarding sexual obsessions and masturbation, so if these topics are triggering for you, please click away.

My relationship with masturbation has not always been healthy. I had extreme amounts of guilt over it for years because I thought it was a sin, before finally confessing to my mother, only for her to tell me it is not, and ask where I even got that idea. I guess my point is, there’s always been fear around it for me, it’s always felt like taboo.

So you can imagine how I felt when intrusive thoughts started inserting themselves into the picture. For a long time I didn’t masturbate, or I would feel so guilty and panicked after I did, because what if I masturbated to this intrusive thought? It has been a while since I’ve been able to again, but the intrusive thoughts are there, along with some infinitely more terrifying questions.

Recently, I masturbated, and while doing so, a thought popped up that was extremely vague and undefined- more the silhouette or a memory of a previous thought than anything else. Or maybe it was just too many thoughts all at once and I couldn’t pick them apart. Usually I get images that stop me in my tracks until I can be sure that it’s “safe”, that I’m not going to orgasm to them. This one was more like “there are intrusive thoughts here, they are horrible and sexual” without actual being a defined thought or image. I kept going. And the part that scares me, is that my arousal increased.

I’ve dealt with groinal responses, I deal with them all the time. I deal with sensations that I’m not sure whether they are groinal responses or genuine arousal. Usually, I disrupt sexual thoughts with a full body shudder, but this time I didn’t, and I felt increased arousal.

And now the question that has been bothering me for a long time, that I have to keep shoving down or labelling as “unhelpful” or “it doesn’t matter”, has returned, and it is: am I capable of masturbating to these thoughts? Could I, and would I do it?

The answers have ranged from “no, I’m too horrified by them” to “even if I could, I wouldn’t,” but the question is back, and I feel like this is something I haven’t dealt with before, because I’ve always disrupted the feeling/thought, but this time I didn’t. I’m not sure it was more a general “this thought is bad”, or a the feeling of having a dangerous thought rather than the thought itself, though now I feel like I’m getting it twisted because I had one of my more common ones later, and I wonder if that one didn’t pop up at the same time as well. I think there might have been the briefest flicker of it, just enough for me to label the thought as intrusive, but it must not have been very potent because I would have stopped otherwise.

I woke up shaking with my heart beating out of my chest and I don’t know what to do. I’m already doubting my memory on how this actually happened.

[mind-full]

Masturbation has become a popular topic on this forum. Considering Harm and Pedophilic OCD attack us at our most vulnerable, no one should be surprised.

When you detected the ghostly presence of an intrusive thought, and kept going, I doubt your arousal increased for reasons feared. Perhaps you felt liberated, or powerful, taking control of the experience. This would explain elevated satisfaction. I'm not a religious person by any means, but I'll have to make my point using a Bible passage:

"Get behind me, Satan! You are standing in my way." (Matthew 16:23)

I believe, in that moment you chose to keep going, you overcame your OCD. With "demons" lurking in the shadow, you weren't scared or deviated. You were confident, strong, and triumphant. In that moment.

I suspect your increased arousal was proportionate to your increased success with OCD. Rather than engaging this intruder, and disrupting the fear (as usual), you let it watch. Rather than standing in your way, it waited behind you. Unless I'm mistaken, this sounds like progress.

Today, OCD is upset with you. It doesn't like being ignored. Today, OCD is lying to you. Your increased arousal wasn't wrong and immoral. It was exactly how it should feel. Safe.

Trust your moral compass, stay true to its path, and remember: on the other side of every "silhouette" is a bright light. Step through them.

Shadow, get behind me.

[Grimes1904]

Hi golden!! I suffer from sexual obsessions aswell and masturbation is a delicate and sensible moment for me. My obsessions started from masturbation too, from masturbating to things I shouldn't. I know or OCD started for different reasons, but what you're living right now resonates a lot with my current experience. Everything you say I'm living it too!! And I have some hyphotesis... The first one is that it probably isn't an increase in arousal, but you being more hypervigilant and aware of sensations as soon as you're having an intrussive thought. The fact that you're always looking what your reactions to the thoughts are, make you more conciouss of your sensations, and maybe your mind can trick you and you asociate things that have not association at all. You're feeling pressure from masturbating, not from the thought! Thoughts are so vague and disturbing they probably have no erotic content at all. I too have these vagues thoughts that sometimes are not even images! Sometimes my thoughts are sentences, words, or simply "I'm thinking about this!". And even when the thoughts are images or they're more explicit, they still are intrussive. You wouldn't have these thoughts without OCD.

And you're not having fantasies! There is a differente between fantasies and intrusive thoughts.

My hyphotesis are that... The fact that you become more vigilant to sensations when you're having an intrussive thought, hence making you think there was an increase in arousal. And if there is an increase, it's probably due to masturbating and not the thought itself. Think it about this way: you're masturbating, your arosual is naturally increasing because of that, but you're constantly being bombarded with unwanted thoughts, it's pretty possible that a bad thought comes out when you're naturally becoming more aroused! You're being trick from a simple psychology principle: when two events happen close in time one with another, you'll associate those events as: cause and effect. But if you're having constant intrussive thoughts, you'll falsely believe that they're the cause.

And I'm really amazed at how are experience is similar. If you need to talk more extensive about this, you can trust me.

[Gavriel]

Hi It is not a sin and it is best not to stop in the middle . Most of us have experienced guilt, especially those of us raised in rigid religious environments . If you are spending hours a day, it should be limited; eg 20 minutes 2x per day. And do talk to a therapist. The thoughts-which everyone has-enable.arousal. Good Luck! Gavvtriel

[Hidden]

My main OCD problem is contamination and health related, but I have been have the obsessive sexual thoughts. No compulsions with it, just the thoughts. They can be pretty strong to the point I want to self harm.

I haven’t told my IOP program about it, as it’s kind of embarrassing.

[Davide21]

HiI'm answering to your post about intrusive thoughts sexual thoughts

I'm 50 and Been suffering from the same thing as you

Apart from I'm a male

But it's the same problem

I used to hide away when I was young

And masturbate

Never spoke to parents about it

My dad was to the point and disgusting

I could of told my mum but never did

My intrusive thoughts 🤔 started at secondary school

Girls underwear and tights

I got picked on at school

Didn't have friends I ve got ASD as well

So a mixture of mental health issues

Even after these girls hated me

I used to have sexual intrusive thoughts

All about them

I used to keep a top 20 of them

When I was playing with myself

I was feeling high

But after I would feel ashamed

What I just done

I've always felt a weirdo and freak

It's effected my relationships

I've always been scared of sexual intercourse

Because of the intrusive thoughts

I avoid certain times of the day

Just incase young people and young females are wearing tights and short skirts

I'm middle aged

I've not ever done a crime and got no criminal record

But I can't stop getting a groinal sensation

When I see beautiful people

My compulsions

I have to masturbate to get rid of the urge

Again at the time I feel great and relieved when finished

But again I think and talk to myself

That I'm disgusting and a weirdo

This goes on for ages

When I told my GP about my issues

She said I'm not going to abuse under aged girls

This was five years ago

She had no understanding of the problem

So I had to say older women

Otherwise I would of had police involved

Why don't some GPS and doctors

Don't understand about this condition

Three years ago in COVID

I was depressed and feeling awful

I spoke to a trainee GP she was great

I opened up about my issues

With intrusive thoughts and she changed my medication and higher dose

I told her everything because she said

She understands about the thoughts 🤔

First time I had a person understand

It doesn't help living alone

Makes problems sometimes worse

I've come to terms with it

And try and take medication and keep

Positive

My small family I've never told them what I go through

They wouldn't understand

No people understand

They just labell you a dangerous person

Which is so untrue

Sorry about waffling on you must be bored 🥱

Tell me how your health is going

Are you feeling better about your

Intrusive thoughts

Please 🙏 look after yourself