A living hell

[PipM82]

Coming up to 50 years old in March and it's unreal that the "POCD" which began when I was 23 is STILL going on. OK it's been manageable at times but the last 12 months has been the worst period since I was that bewildered young man back in 1995. The way my life has closed up is awful - the isolation I mean - and hardly anyone gives a shit other than my wife and I sense the toll this is taking on her. This includes my family who never cared or made any effort to learn about the condition. I have few friends now, my career went down the toilet years ago, mental health professionals see me as "treatment resistant" and I'm so anxious all the time. One of the worst things is I wanted to be a dad before this began (I had traits of OCD but wasn't debilitated) when I was 23. Intermittently since 1995 I still thought maybe I'd be a dad but now it's very unlikely. What a cruel condition. It goes on and on and on ....

[Likeaflower]

Hello friend, I feel for you! It is such a cycle, and one minute you think its over then BOOM, back stronger than ever.

It's amazing to see how resilient we become.

I don't know you, but I'm proud of you for your commitment to not let OCD beat you.

Sometimes we feel so down, but we're never out. Because the OCD is not us. We are us and the OCD is something pesky that tries to burrow itself in like a tick. We can live with it, see how it makes us different, unique.

I am thankful for what mine has given me, although of course life could be easier without it... but does easier always mean better? I digress...

One thing that helped me manage my anxiety is diet. Have you ever heard of nutritional psychiatry? I recommend listening or reading Dr. Uma Naidoo and/or Dr. Drew Ramsey. mall Food has given me small changes, more calm, more grounding. Magnesium has been critical for me, in fact magnesium helped much of my paranoia.

Take care.

[PipM82 in reply to Likeaflower]

Thank you for responding to my post.

[philomena930]

Hi...I totally know where you are as I was there as well. I called it "being tortured from the inside". My OCD started at age 13 and ran the gamit of almost every type of obsessions including POCD which started in my 20's. I am now 60. The POCD was and is the worst.. it is totally incomprehensible and it's difficult to find anyone to talk to about it. I see where you said therapist have labeled you "treament resistant". Does that include medication? I went from age 13 to 33 without being properly diagnosed and then spent 2 weeks inpatient to monitor medication at higher does because I was at a point of complete breakdown. Have you considered this route? I lost so much of my life to OCD...medication was the key for me and was about 75% effective, the rest has been therapy and Christ. And thank God for meds. Please make certain that the doctors and therapists are trained with OCD. I was blessed in 1993 with a very astute Christian therapist who diagnosed me. Also, are on disablity if not working? I was for several years and then went back to work slowly. A good book, although not necessarily about OCD, is "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. You are NOT alone. That is one very important thing to remember! It can be hell but you can come out on the other side. I am crying for you as I write this because I know your pain.

[PipM82 in reply to philomena930]

Thank you. I've been on every SSRI prescribed for OCD and also SNRIs and much older drugs like Clomipramine and Nardil. I had a terrible time on Sertraline last year and swore I'd never take medication again but it's so bad I've reconsidered this and hope to discuss it with a sympathetic doctor next week.I read Claire Weekes years ago and always remember the words "they are only thoughts and no-one need ever be bluffed by a thought" and yes they ARE only thoughts but the distress they cause ...Have you heard of the advocate Chrissie Hodges? She describes OCD and particularly what's called "Pure O" as very traumatic to experience and I totally agree. Even after all this time I am shocked that my own mind does this to me. It's awful - just awful.

[philomena930 in reply to PipM82]

I am now on Clomipramine (almost 30 years)..now I have gained weight and the dry mouth has affected me dental wise. But I don't care....I feel soooo much better. Everyone's brain chemistry is different and sometimes the bad effects outweigh the good results, mind-wise. I also remember Claire Weekes talking about how easy the thoughts take hold when our brain is tired. Oh, how could our brains NOT be tired, because of the daily mental gymnastics we endure! But she's right. Our brains need sleep! We need restorative sleep and I am ever cognizant of that. I spent years believing there was a monster inside of me...oh the pain of that is sometimes still raw. We are just so sensitive and we internalize everything, especially as a child. I pray things said here are a comfort to you and that you get on meds that help. Keep me posted please!❤️

[PipM82 in reply to philomena930]

Thank you - you’re very kind. Frankly I’ve thought I’m an awful person based onintrusive thoughts not actions.

[NLNVIV]

Just want to jump in here and offer my support. I relate to your post. OCD is such a cruel disorder. It's exhausting and lonely and this little thief of joy. All we can do is take it one day...one moment...at a time and hopefully posting here helps you feel understood and validated in your feelings.

[PipM82 in reply to NLNVIV]

Thank you. I’m so tired of it. It’s still relentless and I feel like a failure as no medication has ever helped nor has therapy or the two combined. I also think “why me?” quite a lot too. My life is more or less empty of joy and I have nothing to look forward to at all - right now anyway.

[NLNVIV in reply to PipM82]

I just said to my husband (who is extremely supportive though tired of this monster I'm sure)that I can't remember the last time I had something to look forward to. That makes me really sad. I'm turning 49 next month and I've spent all of my life full of anxiety and that sucks. I understand where you are coming from. I've been in therapy most of my adult life and I recently told my therapist I feel like a therapy failure. She reminded me that the fact that I keep trying and I keep showing up means that I am not. It's a simple little thing to say but if you think about it, just showing up matters. Even if showing up means you take a shower and brush your teeth that day. I am sending support your way and I'm happy to have met you today.

[PipM82 in reply to NLNVIV]

OCD really has taken a hell of a lot from me. I’m married and I can see the impact it’s had on our relationship and the stress it causes my wife. Of course just like you I didn’t ask for this and do show up everyday but there’s a part of me thinks something has to give at some point. I don’t deserve to be so unhappy.Nice to meet you too.

[barbararl]

i wish i had answers - i'm going on 73 & my ocd (in the form of health anxiety & rumination) has gotten worse; i know that stress pays a big part, but haven't found a way to handle that either! one of my kids feels so much is related to what has been passed down thru genes & environmental factors & thinks that if these could be somehow "pulled out" or extracted from the body, things would settle down