You have all supported me during the difficult times where my mum was first diagnosed with Covid 19 and her passing almost a month ago.
You have also all been supportive of how I have been treated by my vile family.
Well, last September I sat with mum and had the difficult discussion about what she would want for end of life care. I also asked mum if she would object if I prepaid her funeral because when the time came I would be a complete mess and would find it exceptionally difficult because she wasn’t just my mum, she was my best friend. She gave me her wholehearted approval and I can tell you I was so happy that I did do it in advance because not being able to be with mum at the end tortured me and it will do for the rest of my days.
I don’t know why I thought things would be different with my siblings but I was hopeful.
Within 2 days I was plagued with “I want this”, “I want that”. I was so disgusted.
Mum had chosen a celebrant and one prayer for the service and the four siblings were asked by the celebrant to give him memories of mum for the service. 3 of the siblings did it but the one sister refused to contribute anything to the service.
At the funeral, the funeral director guided my husband and I to the left of the chapel and then tried to guide my family to the left but they refused and sat on the right leaving my husband and I all on our own in the chapel. I felt so ashamed of them all that they would do this at their mums funeral. I know they had always resented how close mum and I were but what they did was so wrong.
I was so angry and upset that I didn’t hang around outside the chapel, I got in the car and came home, I didn’t even look at all the flowers.
Before the hearse had left for the crematorium my sister gave my husband an envelope which I assumed was a contribution to the funeral. My husband and I had paid for everything. Well I shouldn’t have been surprised that when I opened the envelope I found that the whole contribution was £50.
If she had financial problems I would have understood but this was a woman who had paid cash for her home in the UK and France.
I can only assume that the family had tried to hurt me but I can say that what they did was totally disrespect their mum and showed themselves up as well.
I am now free from all of them. I haven’t got my beautiful mum but I am free if them as well, free from all the abuse and nastiness that I have had to put up with for over 30 years. I can always say I did my best for mum and have had the pleasure of calling her my best friend. I can go through my life with good memories, not of bitterness.
I will miss my beautiful mum till the end of my days.
I will be back on the forum again now that it’s all over and I thank you all for your support xx
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jillydabrat
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Oh Jill, you are by far the better person! Your family members who have been horrid should be ashamed of themselves beyond belief! Well done for coping with all the rubbish at such an awful time in your life. Your mum is now pain and worry free but she will know who has been a true and loving daughter to her and I’m sure she is so proud of you.
Hold your treasured memories of your mum and do not allow any of your siblings to taint those memories or your life - everything you have done has been with self respect and dignity, even though you were in pieces. Anne-Marie xxx
What an absolutely horrible time you have been having. But you can rest assured that your mum trusted YOU with her funeral requests etc. not your siblings, she must have realised how they would behave. You have handled the whole thing so very well, in my view diplomacy at its best!
Just remember the phrase “friends are God’s apology for family”. And you have many friends on this site. 🤙In this case a very apt phrase. (And I know some people have wonderful families - I’m not knocking them!)
Hello Jill. So sorry for you. Just remember your mum knew who looked after her and was there for her always. You will always have your lovely memories of your mum. Hold onto those lovely times. Take care of yourself xx
I’m so pleased to see you back. You’ve had a horrible time. Treasure the memories of your mum and put everything to do with your siblings behind you. You don’t need them.
I cried reading your post as it brought back memories of when my mum died. Difference in my case was that my mum wasn't a very nice person. I always knew my sister was her favorite and that was confirmed when everything, house, contents and cash was all left to her. I haven't spoken to my sister since 26 years. Be free of them and take care of number one.
Thanks Carol, I am sure they thought mum had thousands in the bank, truth be known that after I was presented with a £1500 pound invoice for the final care home bill, there was nothing but a few pounds left. I made mum do a Will with a solicitor even though she had so little so it was her wishes, not mine. She did leave Stef and I everything but I still gave her wedding rings and engagement rings to the 2 sisters and other jewellery to the granddaughters. I would not be petty enough not to give them anything but after how they have treated me I wish I hadn't. They are nothing to me now. Take care dear lady xx
I'm sorry Carol. I know that pain. My father left me out of his will and my Mom is a narcissist. She once told me that mothers always love their sons more than their daughters which verified everything that I had always believed anyway which was that she loved my brother more than me. It hurts. I always wondered how different of a person I would have been had my parents loved me properly. Maybe I wouldn't have had to deal with this crippling depression all my life. I've learned over the years you can only count on yourself. ❤
And Jill I wrote you a message on your first post...I hope you saw it. Just know you are not alone...many of us deal with the same family problems. You have family here. ❤
Thank you lovely lady, I do actually feel closer to the people here. I hope you know true love when you find it and not the excuse you have been given by your parents. That was truly a horrific thing your mum said. I wish I could have had a daughter like you, I would have been very proud xx
I’m so sorry to hear the way they treated you. It’s their loss and at least, you know in your heart that you were always there for your mum. I believe in the saying that “what goes around comes around” and your siblings sound like horrible, selfish people. My deepest condolences to you for the loss of your mum.
Dear Jill, what a devastating time you've had with your family, not only at this sad sad time, but throughout the years. So glad you had a loving best-friend relationship with your Mum and she would know exactly what they were like. How totally disrespectful of them all behaving in such a way at the service. They're out of your life now for good and you can forget them and live on your lovely happy memories of your dear Mum. Take care. Love and prayers, Fran xx
Put them all out of your mind Jilly....having had that sort of trouble ,believe me it can destroy your life,look forward keep just a happy memory of mum.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom and best friend. While she has gone on to a better place, it is sad to no longer have her in this world. Wishing you peace and happiness until the time comes for you to be reunited. I will say that I hope that will be quite some time to come as we would all be saddened to lose you from our MPN family.
I do hope that you can now focus on friends, the family that you choose. You deserve to be surrounded by love, support and care. Time to only engage in relationships where that is so. There is no reason to engage with people who do not treat you as they should. You deserve better.
Don’t burden yourself with the unnecessary grief caused by siblings. Take this time to both mourn and celebrate your Mums life. I’m sure there are many memories you can draw upon to help you through her passing.
Hi Jill. So sorry that you lost your mum and best friend. You clearly cared for her and loved her and made sure she knew she was loved in her final years. Focus on your friends and husband. Be free of past hurt. Take care. Love Jacquie
I am so sorry for the hard time i know what you are getting at my brother died at 50 of cancer he had 4 young children when he died i regretted not going down to see him as the youngest was6 and oldest boy was 14 i was scared i could not hold it together in front of kids mum and dad went down to somerset to look after them when he died mum and dad although my brother organised his own funeral it was half religious and half humanist it was packed out sis-in law did not approve of mum and dad organising a car mum says we do it in Scotland so she asked for money towards funeral had to pay for car and she had 4 readings one was my brother's poem it was a Celtic blessing and cousins husband came from the outer Hebrides were my brother heard and loved it so he had the accent to do it justice not one of her readings were done by our side of family the only thing we were able to do my brother was a hibs fan and there song was sunshine on leith the only contribution we felt was my dad singing it out so loud we drowned everyone out not one off my brother's family got to do a reading and she was very rude to my mum after all we did for her we tried to allow for her grieving but what she forgot was Mum and Dad was Steve's parents and i was his sister we felt totally left out of the organisation of funeral he had a lot of friends inEdinburgh but she forbid us to put his death in the paper it was as if we were just members of congregation and not mum dad and sister her two children and brother and her best friend did the readings nobody from our side got a look in 7 years this year it still does not get any easier if it was not for him i would never heard off MPN Voice he like your mum was my best friend
Hi Jilly hold on to your happy memories of you and your mum and try to forget you siblings you are the better person grieving is hard but with time I hope you will feel better look after yourself best wishes Poppy x
Hi Jill, I admire your strength & can sense a new calmness in you. Your mother must have been so proud of having a daughter as wonderful as you. I’m sure the pain of losing her must be extreme right now but over time it will diminish & your memories will keep you company. You & your friendship & love certainly made her life like heaven on earth. I hope you gain some comfort knowing all the joy you brought her. You’re a lucky woman to have had a wonderful mother, I’m happy for you to have had that gift. Katie.
Oh I m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. The world is full of these people but thankfully you and your mum had each other. I hope you can put this behind you and through time just remember the happiness you shared.
Thank you for sharing your experiences thus far on your journey.
Understanding family is a trial that some of us can understand.
Over the Years I have come to the conclusion that there is nowt as dense as family . Pushing your emotional buttons at this rare time are the most cruel and difficult effects one has to try to make sense of.
In my experience taking the sting out of them was to put a healing balm on them. Perhaps now you could let the thoughts go like cutting strings, and move forward.
You my dear have done a magnificent job. Good luck remember you are not alone, your mother would have been proud of all that you did.
So sorry to hear of your loss and the way your family behaved. It's at times like this that families need to come together and let bygones be bygones.
But you can hold your head up high, you are the winner. You did the best for your mum. You are the one who has the happy memories. Only you have these, the others have only bitterness and regret.
Keep hold of the happy memories, they are precious and only you have access to them. I'm sure your mum appreciated what you did and is smiling down on you. Keep safe.
Thank you everyone for the most beautiful messages. From today my siblings will have no further part of my life or my head. I have mum locked in my heart along with all the memories. Once more thank you my MPN family, you have got me through this like you have supported me in so much in my past. I really feel blessed to have such amazing friends. Now I walk on without the stress of family xxxx
I am so sorry, jilly. As if you haven't suffered enough losing your mum. Unfortunately, many families behave like this and it always comes as a shock that family members can be so indecently grasping. As for the £50 donation - this is how cheapskates get rich - by holding on to what they've got. I am in awe of how you are dealing with this emotionally. I would be devastated. Sending my best wishes for your future.
When my dad died a couple of years ago he made it sure that my sister and I were treated equally - 50% to my mum and the rest divided equally between my sister and I - only later did I realise that some of that 25% that came to me included a share in my sister’s home... he also gifted a summer house to us with 50% share each a couple of years before his death... when I was diagnosed with PMF (even though early stages and plenty of life in me left) I gifted my 50% of the summer house to my sister and helped my mum redo her will leaving everything to my sister - she’s been there supporting her when I live on the other side of the world, I am so grateful for all she has done and she deserves every penny. I love her dearly and it is puzzling and painful to see how often families break up after death of a loved one
Hiya, unfortunately my family have never been close. None of them could bear that mum and I were so very close. If they thought about how many years I looked after here they would realise why. I recently opened up to mu husband about my sister abusing me when I was very little and that is something I can never forget or forgive. Some people are blessed to have family like you, unfortunately I am not one of them but my friends are precious.
How horrid for you. Bet they didn't do anything to help your mum before she passed. Families can be difficult. Two of my cousins haven't spoken to each other for years. The younger one didn't even send a card when my mum passed. My sister was not pleased. Know that you did a lot for your mum and get on with your own life. Leave it to your sisters to make the next move, if at all.
Yesterday I got an email from my eldest sister saying that now mum was dead the others didn’t have to have anything to do with me. She said I was vile and evil! The memorial vase and plaque for the garden of remembrance that my hubby and I just paid for, with the agreement they would all chip in for, well she told me that none of them are putting a penny towards it. So the funeral and the memorial have had to come out of our own pocket and they called me vile and evil! I don’t begrudge the money. I gave mum a great send off and I now have a place I can go to remember her.
I was so disgusted at the content of the email that 30 plus years of holding back just spewed out in a four page letter that was posted yesterday. I finally told her how my other sister had been abusing me when I was younger but how I still remembered it 49 years later. I told them they were dog jealous of the love mum and I shared and that they could just go on forgiving each other’s neglect of their mother. I always said I wouldn’t sink to their level but having finally snapped back at them instead of keep taking the back stabbing and verbal smacks in the face, well I felt lifted. No more from them and if they keep it up I will go legal.
That letter needed to be done. I also have to write one to my parents who have done nothing for me since 3 months of age. I was brought up by mothers 2 aunties and uncle one of whom I called my mother as she raised me as her own. I looked after both my aunties and uncle until their end of days. Closed all my uncles bank accounts down everything and had to tell a solicitor where my parents lived/cousins . They took the whole lot from me. Despite not ever visiting me or my aunties or uncle for years and years. Vultures were out in force. But I have my memories and same as you they can't take it away . Stay safe and well x
Yes, the letter had to be done. I also included all the sexual abuse from my sister when I was little yet they called me vile and evil. I am well shut of them but I have this incredible emptiness inside
Omg Jill, I knew you were dealing with bad people but I had no idea how sick they were too. I'm sorry you had to deal with that as a child and carried that pain for all these years. Can you get a cease and desist letter? You are not dealing with reasonable people...never forget that....never let them make you feel like less of a person. I'm glad you were able to get all your pain and frustrations out in your letter...I hope it gave you some relief. I understand your emptiness as I struggle with it as well. Not having a good family hurts so bad. I wish I could put my arms around you and let you cry it out and let you know you are not alone. ❤
Omg you know how to make me cry. I would love a hug right now. What is a cease and desist letter? I haven't heard about that? I have blocked them on my computer and on telephone thanks to Sky but I am waiting for a letter any time. I told my hubby that if anything arrives from the Midlands or Lincolnshire then just put it straight through the shredder. I don't want to read any more poison. I am amazed at how many other people have horrible problems with their families. The thing that has bothered me the most is that I was called vile and evil and I don't know why. Hand on heart I have never done another soul wrong in my life. If I have something that someone needs more then they can have it. My best friends daughter was desperate for a hot tub for the garden. She had been saving for ages. I gave her half of the money she needed because she was such a lovely daughter to my best friend. I will do anything I can to help anybody so when people do this I just cannot understand it, nor would I want to. I know I have amazing friends on here and I am getting so much comfort from them. I just would like to know what the cease and desist letter is.
I'm in America so it may be a little different here but basically a cease and desist letter is usually written up by an attorney and tells someone formally that if they do not stop what they are doing there will be legal consequences. In your case it would be protection from their harassment. Sometimes it is enough to get a crazy person off your back.
I can understand why you are questioning why they are calling you evil and vile but that is when you have to remember you are not dealing with reasonable people. You seem like a perfectly reasonable and nice person to me so that is why it is so hard for you to understand why they are doing what they are doing...your brain works differently than theirs. In a million years you could never understand them because you are normal and they aren't. It's a lesson I have learned over the years after dealing with family crap. I've had some horrible family experiences that have changed me as a person. And you are right...there are so many families out there with huge problems and big secrets. And we are reminded of our bad family on every holiday or when watching a tv show that portrays the perfect family that we long for. 💔 A sister sexually abusing another sister is mind blowing to me and proves the amount of mental illness you are fighting against. YOU know who you are and that is all that matters. ❤
Good for you jilly I bet you felt better for finally getting it of your chest and telling them what you thought . Now you can draw a line under it and start living your new life. Best wishes
Carol
Sorry to find you have lost your Mam and Best Friend But nobody can take the love or memories you shared together not even your nasty siblings who have behaved awful, you are better off without them you deserve better x Look after you now and those who love you and are there genuinely for you Rest in peace Jillys Mam out of pain now, feel sure she will always be with you Jilly Take care
Welcome back Jilly sorry not been on for a bit just seen your post!! - but sorry you have had a rough time, you felt this would happen. If any "consolation" in normal no shielding life I work in a legal office doing probate work - and situations such as you have had in the family are so common, how many times my colleagues and I have been shocked and saddened at families unpleasantness at a time of death when it is obvious all the concern is money - in fact "I could write a book" on things seen that beggars belief on human nature - we always find it touching when we come across relatives that are not money minded - so what I mean Jilly is you are one of the treasures, did all you could for mum, loved her, and have nothing to regret - she would have held that in great value and she obviously trusted you to do all needed for her - you are the one with the things of real value Jilly, a good relationship with your mum and good qualities and despite the sadness of loss you can rest well knowing you did all you could and many good memories. All the best girl
Thank you for such a lovely post. I have to admit that I am struggling because I am not only mourning for the woman I loved most in this world but I have also had to put up with the abuse of my family. I must admit that when I sat and wrote to them with all the horrible things they had done to me and mum. They have nothing to be proud of. I have blocked them on my computer, I have put them on my block list with Sky telephone and if anything comes in the post it will go straight through the shredder unread. I am soon going back to enjoying my life with mum as a beautiful memory but I will miss her every day of my life.
Yes you have done all you can - humans make their own choices on life's direction and we can only be glad for what we do ourselves - it's hard when it is family that behave so badly and tends as we said to be because the motivation for actions are not good ones. And yes loss is hard, grief is not easy, be kind and patient with yourself, take one day at a time, move at your own pace and know the intensity of initial times won't last always - although the loss is always there (31 years since my mum died - my best friend too- still miss her, often!!) - and know too there is hope for better things in our lives and for this old world - my comfort is always knowing there is a bigger power out there that cares and intends good things for us all, including those lost in death 😀😀 all the best Jilly
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But nobody can take the love or memories you shared together not even your nasty siblings who have behaved awful, you are better off without them you deserve better x Look after you now and those who love you and are there genuinely for you Rest in peace Jillys Mam out of pain now, feel sure she will always be with you Jilly Take care 
Advice needed update
From a concerned and worried mum.
