Those of you who are familiar with my posts know that I have problems with my family. The latest story happened two weeks ago when my husband and I had to book a week away so that our dogs could be free of fear from the fireworks. Anyway, I emailed both my sisters to see if they could possibly visit our mother who is in a nursing home. She celebrated her 96th birthday on Friday and we visit her 3 times a week.
My hubby and I only get one break away because mum panics if she doesn’t get a visit and feels abandoned.
Anyway, on the first day away I got my response from my one sister and that if I kept asking her to visit our mother she would come up and punch me in the face. This was just one part of a horrid and vile email.
Because of this I have felt under so much stress. I haven’t been sleeping and, yet again, I have broke out in cold sores and blemishes on one side of my face. I have found that even the slightest stress is bring me out in blemishes and sores.
Does anybody else find this happening?
I will add that the sister in question has only visited our mum once in a year.
I shouldn’t let her stress me out, especially as I have had two small TIA’s but I cannot get my mind to ignore what she threw at me.
I could never have children and she told me it was a blessing.
I know you cannot pick your family but I can certainly throw them out! I have come to realise there are to many good people out there so I can choose who I have in my life but obviously this has affected me more than I care to think.
Thanks for lending an ear
Jill xx
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jillydabrat
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Oh Jill, your sisters are horrid to you and so selfish. I would not give them the time of day if they upset you as they are doing. Is there anyone else who could visit your mum, like a friend or neighbour to let you and hubby have a well deserved break? If not is your mum able to understand that you need a break too and perhaps staff in the nursing home can help by reminding her which day you will be back.
Please try and arrange some way of you and hubby having a break as you will crack under the stress and yes it affects your health badly! At the time I was diagnosed in 2012, my mum and dad were ill, had to move into a home, we had my mother in law staying with us and she was evil and the stress was unbearable. I eventually cracked and ended up in bits in my gp s room. I honestly think I was at the point of a complete breakdown so please don’t let it get to that point with you.
I understand what you’re going through, contact me anytime you want. E hugs for you. Aime xx😺😻
You’ve got me crying now Aime, what a lovely lady you are.
Must admit my stress level is at an all time high. My hubby was so angry that they, or should I say she, could once again hurt me so much. On the way home from our break I could feel my mood sinking lower and lower until I started to cry knowing what I was coming home to. Yesterday I felt I wanted to go to a quiet place and scream and cry just to get everything out of my system. If it wasn’t for my wonderful hubby life would be pretty unbearable at present. He has insisted I have a duvet day today so I can watch the new series of the crown all the way through lol.
Hi Jilly, I can identify totally with the mood changing as you go back to face it all. Thank goodness your hubby is supportive, my hubby tried but couldn't really understand what I was going through. If it hadn't been for the thought of what it would have done to my son and daughter, I was seriously considering doing away with myself, I was that desperate. So please don't let it get to that stage. This forum helped me so much in those dark days and my bedroom was my sanctuary where I shut myself away from my evil mother in law.. hugs Aime xx😻😻
I doubt your sisters will ever change. Cruel and vile behavior to anyone, especially your own family, is a reflection of a kind of inner ugliness that corrupts everything it comes into contact with. I think you have it right that it is time to move on. We have the family we are born with and the family that we choose. Some of us are blessed to have these be one and the same. Sadly not everyone is blessed with the family they deserve. It sounds like it is past time for you to stay engaged with the family you choose, the family who will love you and accept you for the beautiful person you are.
Regarding the blemishes and sores, yes this is a common stress reaction. The skin is our largest organ. Skin teactions are the single most common physical manifestation of stress. Those on chemotherapies like hydroxycarbomide are also prone to various types of mucositis, so you get hit with a double whammy when stressed.
The only things I can suggest are:
1. Mindfullness-stress relief activities like Qigong, Yoga, or meditation.
2. Get your Mom a tablet that will let you televideo chat with her when you cannot come in person.
3. Give yourself permission to not have to fix everything and make it OK for everyone.
4. Stick with the family you choose. No matter what, you always deserve to feel loved. Stick with those who treat you with the love you deserve.
5 . Whatever your walk in faith is, always remember that we have a Creator who will always love us. A stong faith community dedicated to living this love is always a good place to be.
Hunter, you always offer such lovely words of support and wisdom.
You are so astute when you can see that I am, or try to be the fixer of the family, more and more at the cost of my own health.
Hydroxy has worked wonders for me, I just have to take the good with the bad.
I truly wish I could get mum a tablet. I did get her a mobile phone which was supposed to be the simplest I could find. I put £20 credit on it to keep her going. Mum just couldn’t figure it out and refused to ask the staff for help. Somehow she managed to use the £20 without ever calling me or texting. Don’t ask me how she did it.
Thanks again for the speedy and thought provoking response. You are always there for everyone.
Perhaps you could link in via Skype over one of the staff computers - if they are willing to help in this way. When I ran residential programs for youth & families, we did make use of this kind of technology to facilitate communication. It is becoming a more common practice to use this kind of technology to help families stay connected. No way to know how your Mom would react to this form of communication, but it could be worth trying.
As one "fixer" to another, we do have to accept that sometimes we can't fix it. That is why I say the Serenity Prayer every day. Some days more than once! Some days more than twice.
Hang in there and deserve your time away. You need and deserve more than one break. If you do not take good care of yourself, you cannot take care of anyone else.
I can only say that I know (from experience + to my cost) that having this sort of vile behaviour thrown at you + the stress it causes can seriously affect your health - it took me many years to accept that at some point you have to ‘walk away’ - it’s just sad that it is harder + hurts more when it’s family.
Your husband sounds great - allow yourself to be ‘looked after’ as you have enough to deal with being there for your mum.
Oh Jilly. There are so many if us with siblings that for one reason or another just can’t behave properly towards us. In the last year I have come to realise this too. Just go forward Jilly and enjoy your lovely life and please try not to let her stress you so much. Of course stress can cause all sorts of things to our bodies and we as an elite bunch just don’t need that!
Just had to respond to your post. I feel for you - I really do. As a family, we looked after our parents for 12 years (both had dementia, though not at the same time). I'll spare you the details, but there were many, many serious disagreements. It was only the death of my husband a couple of weeks ago that brought the family together again. Like you, I was lucky as he was always very supportive of me.
My own experience has shown me that sometimes folk can't accept how things are and so they throw accusations to avoid taking a closer look at themselves. Hard I know, but sometimes you do have to just walk away, family or not.
Surround yourself with supportive people and look after your own health. Life is too short to do otherwise.
And yes, stress has a physical effect on your body.
Hi Liz, you will know how hard it is to look after your ageing parents alone. I love them so much I would never have just left them to get on with it like my siblings have done. I have cared for them my whole adult life (just my mum since 2005), but my sister was adamant I hadn’t. If I didn’t then who did their housework every week, took them shopping and to their medical appts. I did mums ironing, their windows, their gardening but I guess all that didn’t count as caring for them. I just count myself very lucky to have found this site and such beautiful people. Thank you Liz xxxx
Dear Jill, I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m sure it must be very painful. Even though we know intellectually that someone is completely wrong in how they treat us it still really hurts; especially when it’s family. I wonder if your sister has a serious mental health issue. She sounds like my mother who was nasty and cruel. I learned as an adult that she was bipolar but instead of the happy mania of most people, she was really evil and abusive-physically as well as emotionally. Your sister’s behavior is so extremely inappropriate I think she may have a mental illness of some kind. I hope you can find some relief and a way not to let her cruelty affect you. She certainly doesn’t deserve to have you for a sister. Hunter’s suggestions are good and you also might feel better having a supportive counselor you can see at times when things are really difficult. I’m sending you all the emotional strength I can and a big long hug. The serenity prayer is known to be very effective. Hang in there. XO Katie
Thank you, thank you, thank you! We have both said for the longest time that we thought my sister was mentally ill. We just couldn’t believe that someone so abusive and vile could be “normal”. I feel such relief and overwhelmed by all the lovely support from my friends on here. Thank you so much for your post xx
I was too being kept awake at night by evil and abusive comments and threats by my brother. My hubby made me block his number and also on facebook. He was given no warning after the last dreadful message 3 months ago just blocked. Consequently, the messages have stopped and I feel much better. Sending e-hugs
Hi my lovely. I had blocked her from Facebook and blocked her number on my phone and I swore I would never email her again after previous abuse but my mum kept asking why nobody visited her I decided to ask for a visit. Big mistake. I have now changed my email address as well. If mum wants to communicate with them then the nursing home will have to contact them. I am saying them because I have a brother in Canada and another sister who is in the UK. I have nothing to do with them because of what they have done and also not done to our beautiful mum. I feel liberated now I have stopped any way of communicating with me. Thank you so much for your support.
Can I just say thank you to everyone who has responded to my post. I feel like I have such a strong support network on here and you will never know how much that means to me. God bless you all and keep you well xx
Oh Jill, how can they be so poisonous? you already have so much to contend with. I think that stress could easily be the cause. Like Aime, I cracked two months ago in the GP's surgery through stress and ended up with a mental health crisis team. Try not to let the buggers get you down. Much love Mel x
Oh I am so sorry that you have such awful sisters, as you say you can't choose your family! they're not going to change, try to keep themout of your life if you can. And don't get me started on my brother, I looked after our parents and only asked him once so we could have a break and it was all too much trouble. Now they're gone he's always going to the cemetary, out of guilt I feel.
Yes stress does cause break outs, for me it's on my scalp, people must think I have fleas sometimes as I'm always scratching when I'm stressed about something.
I hope you can find someone else, a friend or neighbour, to visit your mum, perhaps someone who has a tablet or mobile so that they can facetime/skype you while they are with her.
The only other thing I can do is send you some virtual hugs.
Hi Lizzie, thanks for responding. We have both decided they will never get the chance to hurt us again. I have even prepaid mum’s funeral because I know I am going to be devastated when mum goes and the last thing I will need is abuse from them, I know they would never put a penny towards it anyway and I will certainly not ask. The sad day will come when I lose my mum and best friend. We will see her off with the love and respect she deserves then I am going to put a suitcase in the car and we will be going somewhere quiet and away from abuse. My mum and husband are the only family that matters. I will leave the others hugging each other and trying to convince each other how caring they were.
The response I have had from my friends on here has been amazing and I can’t thank everybody enough. There is no way all this stress cannot affect my body in some way so from now on they are gone and I am going to be stress free xxxx
Jilly I am so sorry to read about your difficulties, family unkindness is particularly hard to cope with. You have already had some good supportive ideas from this forum but I just wanted to add that cold sore outbreaks often seem to occur at stressful times. My sister used to suffer badly with them but there is now good antiviral medication that you can get from your doctor that will stop an attack when taken at the first sign and it is very reassuring to keep some in your cupboard to use when this happens. I do hope that life improves for you.
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