On the edge and not sure which way to turn....

[flatwhite]

Not sure where to start. I am at a point if no return in some respects. I've been diagnosed with depression for the 2nd time in 18 months and come to a point in my life where I feel everything from top to bottom is a complete disaster except for my son. He adores me and looks up to me so much it breaks my heart to the point I think I'm undeserving of everything. I live alone, have limited social life and have hit rock bottom in terms of social skills. I feel dead inside and struggle to get up in a morning never mind get through the day. I'm hugely in debt, struggle to cope on every level in terms of looking after myself and have a wonderful well paid job which I don't know how to do any more, coupled with the fact ive been forced to go back to work as i will lose my job otherwise. Now im on a disciplinary because of my absence. As much as I try to focus on the positive the negative rears it ugly head minute by minute and leads to panic attacks/ anxiety when I'm out shopping, in company or in fact anywhere.

At the moment except for my son and his smiling face everything is just so dark and I feel like there is no way out. I'm stranded and not sure which way to turn. I'm currently on fluoxetine and also Zimovane to help my sleep. I manage about 2 hours every night and for all the trying to avoid negative thinking with exercise etc I wake up in the morning to the same problems that just do not go away

I know at times the only person to make the changes is me but struggling to see how I can change things when I see a huge darkness in my life. 

I have a very supportive family and a few friends but as much as they will me and try to support me sometimes the last thing I want to hear is how good and wonderful I am when I don't believe it at all. I'm nearly 40 and the only good thing I've done is help bring a wonderful young boy into this world. 

Sorry for the ramble. I suppose this is a cry for help and advice if possible and any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Optimistic9]

Ive read your blog and feel very sorry for you but one very positive thing stands out and that is your son. Try and focus on him as much as you can and try to do things together if only a trip to the cinema or going swimming. Try drinking horlicks at night to help you sleep and take vitamin B complex to calm your nerves. I do think you should be careful taking drugs to get to sleep because its easy to become addicted. At least you have a supportive family and your son. At this time of year more people feel depressed with the bad weather and also the recession. Take a tip from your son and try to remain positive. A great book to read, curled up by the fire is "Beyond Prozac" by Doctor Terry Lynch. I think it would really help you and I hope you feel better soon

[flatwhite]

Thanks for your comment I realy appreciate it. Just gone out and bought the horlicks and vitamin b tablets so thank you and will check out the book too.

Im just scared that no matter what I do my life won't change and will still be the same when I wake up in the morning. At times I doubt my depression and just think my life's a mess.

My son keeps me going and at the moment is the only thing in the world keeping me from doing anything "bad".

[downandout]

Hi there,

Well where to start you have alot of good going for you you have a supportive family and some great friends and your wonderful son, but as hard as it sounds and i know your doing really well focussing on him you really need to get the right help and get it fast, because at some stage if you do try anything at all you could then possibly lose your son, I know you dont want to hear that and I am sorry to sound negative, but I lost my two children when it all got to much and i reached out for help, of course my situation was very different and i did not have the friends and family that you do, so firstly i think by all means take and do what you can with Optimistic9 's advice as i agree about those sleeping tablets, another thing is to try and write things down at night that are bothering you so they are out of the mind, they say no caffenine or tv after 10pm, but i was also told if i lie down for 20 mins and i still cant get to sleep to get up and do things till i feel tired and then try again.

The lack of sleep can not be helping you, but what actually concerns me more is that you dont see the good in you and yet you say your family and friends say you are wonderful so i wonder where it stems from and it makes me wonder if this is where it is all coming from if you understand what i mean, in the sense that did you have a partner that ran you down and made you feel worthless, you need to speak to your manager at work and explain that you are suffering from depression and that you are on medication for this, as this may help you as they can not sack you for depression however they may be able to help you work through it.

The debts have you spoken to anyone about these and sought help to get repayments sorted and a budget organised, the Citizens Advice do have debt management people that can give you a book and help you write letters to the creditors i suspect that this is also stopping you from sleeping as money worries affect us far more than we want them to as we think how did we do that how can i sort it and it just goes on and on.

I am sure that if you are able to get on top of the sleep problem and sort the debts and get them back under your control that the panic attacks will ease, they will not go away you need to learn coping techniques, like breathing exercises, four years ago i could not go anywhere alone it had gotten so bad and getting the grocerys was my biggest nightmare not the shopping but the packing that i could not keep up with the lady scanning it which would lead to me then struggling to get things into the bags and the more upset i got the worse it got and i would leave fighting back the tears then feeling like i was useless, but i learnt to get it under control i still dont like going to strange places, but i do it all on my own and i recently did a budget and got all my debts under control and did it all myself, my problem is that i cant find work and i am also in court fighting my childrens adoption as the social services said i had a personality disorder and it was outside the childrens timescale, they also said i was emeshed with my ex who was a very nasty man and that is what i am dealing with again as he is attacking me in the statements,

Focus on you and your son your both as important and while you say He makes me proud you forget its you that has put that all into him so try to reflect it back and see the good you have done, but it sounds like you need some form of therapy but hang in there, this is a really great site and we are all here to help each other because why we understand and feel the same your not alone

Helen

xx

[flatwhite in reply to downandout]

Thank you so much for your reply I really appreciate it. Trying to get on top of the sleeping thing and that's my plan over next week. I'm awaiting therapy but feel like I am running out of time. My manager is aware that I "have" suffered from depression but now demands that I am fully functioning as if I had any more time off I would owe my job

The difficult thing is that the darkness is affecting everything at the moment from coping with money to shopping never mind work. My mind is constant overdrive seeing the negatives in everything. Every minute is a struggle and t times I have a 5 minute peace when I think yeah I can do it I can make a life I can do it, then everything and. Mean everything comes crashing in. I just want to go to sleep and everything goes away and when I wake up I see some light but I know that isn't the case.

I really appreciate your support and reading your comment I really hope that things work out for you. I'm lucky that I still have access to my son. Ithin what scares me is I'm teetering on the edge of not knowing which way to turn. The positive side of me says 2013 is going to be a better year. The more forceful negative side says things are only going to get worse, I'm going to lose my job, lose my home and the things I've got with my son.

[Optimistic9]

I really hope things get better for you. Please dont give up. Lack of sleep can really wear you down and make everything seem 10 times worse. Pamper yourself a bit. Have a warm bath with lavender oil and soft music, horlicks then bed.. Do something creative with your son like making a collage of photos of you both.Also,watch a comedy together. I do understand because I have been very down this year and its taken me all my strength to get through. My mum died and I didnt know I could ever feel so sad. This christmas has been hard for me but like you I have children and Im so glad. Ive realised that life is so precious and we only live once so we really have to make the most of it. !

[flatwhite in reply to Optimistic9]

Thanks for your reply I really appreciate it. The suggestions are great. Been at my parents and looked after for a few days does help. If only I could control my thoughts!!! Tried the horlicks and that seems to help a little and some herbal stuff. Got to believ that life will get better but just not sure how at the minute. Things just seem so massive and out of control that if it wasn't for my son I would and have seriously contemplated ending everything. Those thoughts screw me up even more but won't go away. Just hoping 2013 is a new year and a new start....

[sasays]

Getting a plan together to get your debt under control will be very empowering. Your main focus at the moment should be ensuring your job stability, speak with your manager, HP, occupational health, EAProgramme (if there is one) whatever might help keep a record of the way you are and have been feeling. And of course your sleep, you just can't function without it, but lots of people have commented on this already so im sure you realise how important it is to get it under control if you can, not to say you've not tried your best already of course! Just don't give up. I find getting out and about during the day helps me sleep better at night, unfortunantly i can't find the enegry or will most days.

O9 is so right, never underestimate the power of a bath, sounds utterly rediculous i know. I woke up feeling immensely rough this morning and decided i felt so rubbish i couldnt face having to stand upright in the shower, so i had my first bath in over 2 years, oh it was the best decision ive made in along time. Lovely!

I can also recommend a lightbox used for SAD. I have this one amazon.co.uk/Lumie-Zip-LED-... having said that i had no idea how much it cost until now! (it was a request last Christmas) I wouldnt spend this kind of money on one but perhaps you can find a cheaper alternative? Its no miracle, in fact i can imagine most people wont think it does anything at all, i would go as far as to say its 'nice', and that for me at the moment will do, its about as good as things are getting. So yes if you can find a cheapy, see if you like it.

Don't rule anything out big or small, if it might help and its safe, give it a go, see if it works for you x

[flatwhite]

Thanks for your reply. The work thing alongside everything else seems unsurmountable at the moment. In my mind I've got the debt sorted, what doesn't help is my mismanagement of money and general inability too look after myself when I'm alone. In terms of the job, well it's come the point where I can't evencdocit anymore. Stupid as tha sounds, or maybe it's part of my illness but lost any confidence, ability to deliver. In an ideal world I would just walk away but it's highly paid and helps me pay my debts and keeps me local to my son.

I keep telling myself that the little things help but so low that nothing seems to work. Seriously spiralling out of control and not sure whichway to turn

[Optimistic9]

I myself greatly believe in homeopathy and there are lots of remedies for depression. What I like is that it works to treat the whole person and combines all the mental and physical symptoms you may have. Some conventional antidepressants can actually cause suicidal thoughts and other side effects and I personally do not think they should be taken for long periods. I really hope you will read the book by Doctor Terry Lynch. It will make you feel like Yes, somebody understands me!. It sounds to me like you are under a lot of pressure and you really do need to take care of yourself and please try to switch off and get some sleep. x

[flatwhite in reply to Optimistic9]

Thanks for the reply. In some respects I've been trying to use the 2 weeks for a bit of r and r. Got a bit more sleep last night but that was probably cos of the sleeping tablet. Hoping for a better day today and keep myself busy and stop thinking !!!!!

[sasays]

It can not be stated that antidepressants cause suicidal ideations, these can be caused by depression itself (many factors) and therefore the two should not be linked. It is a legal requirement that pharmaceutical companies record any and every adverse events reported which is why things such as this are on record. You can find the same caution on smoking cessation even. If you feel medication is having a negative impact then this should obviously be discussed with your GP, your wellbeing is so important.

The reason i mention your job even though it may not be a cause of conern i ncomparison at the moment is because personally i know its what keeping my life together. This may not be the same for you so apologies but i will outlie my personal reasons and see it they help at all. I've been doing my job for a number of years, im barely functioning at the moment and im very low on confidence but i know that they have a record of my progress and i can see a very clear link between my personal life and my work progress, which now ive shared some of my issues with management were all blistering aware of the timeframes, the massive decline in my team interaction, enthusiasim, time keeping and project work. Its so obvious its almost sickening no one noticed or stepped in to help. Do you do progress reviews at all? Would be great to have something on record of your past compitence shoudl you need it. I know my work, despite my current dissointment in being able to do it properly provides me with structure to my days/week, money to pay for my bills and lifestyle (pah, when i had a life), and the stability for my future - as long as i stay there and my job exists.

Note what your life woudl be like without these things and it might notify you of the importance to sustain it. Money for your debt and bills etc, and close location to your son, whos support is insumoutnable.

Best wishes x

[flatwhite]

Hi thanks again for your reply. You've hit the nail on the head with respect to my job. Aside from my sickness record over the last 2 years which is now at the point of formal disciplinary stage, I'm well respected and delivered good results in the past. At the current stage I know how important my job is as it impacts on everything but it truly is to the point that I'm so low that I can't even function on an hourly basis. It is a very demanding job pushing me to the point of no return and I suppose pushingr me to the edge. I've tried not tho think aboit work this last week, but in doing so all my other demons have attached to grind me down even more. God forbid when I try to do some work in prep for going back a week on Monday.

If only life was a little simpler and I hasn't made such a mess if everything.......

[alfie19]

After some research I found this that may help.

Did you know that your emotions greatly influence not only your ability to

heal but also your susceptibility to illness? Meaning your emotional state

can actually make you more or less likely to fall sick or develop disease.

It's true that your emotional well being and health tend to go hand-in-hand.

When your health is in the gutter, you often experience feelings of sadness,

anxiety and hopelessness. On the flip side, feeling great is often paired

with feelings of happiness, joy and satisfaction.

But the good news is that you can break the "pre-set" emotional response

to poor health and finally get to a place of positivity.

Once you get there, perfect health will follow suit.

All you have to do is follow practice the 5 emotional healing techniques

outlined in Lesson 5.

>>> Lesson 5.

Practicing these techniques on a daily basis, won't only give you healing

powers you didn't know you had, but will armor you with an emotional

shield against other diseases and illnesses.

What's actually behind your emotions? What gives them the energy and power

they need to exist and have such a profound influence on your health?

The answer is simple: your THOUGHTS. Your thoughts 100% determine

what kind of emotional state you experience.

So while it might be easier to blame your poor health, stress at work, or

struggling relationship for your emotional well being, the truth is it's how you think

about (and how often you think about) those situations that's to blame.

But here's why that's actually good news.

You can control your thoughts. That's right. You can consciously decide

to put your thoughts somewhere else.

But how?

>>> All the tools you need are right here in Lesson 5.

For each emotional healing technique, we give you a brief description of

the technique and exactly what emotions it can help you deal with along

with a step-by-step action guide so you can get started right away.

Don't forget, your emotions affect your health, your thoughts

influence your emotions and YOU control your thoughts

[sunnyr2000]

Hi there. It seems to me you have a lot on your mind and you are not able to get a decent sleep. It's a vicious inward spiral and you need to break that cycle somewhere. Your psychiatrist is the best person to find a solution to your sleep problem because if your depression is biological then you will need the right medication to restore your sleep. I have been in your shoes before. I delayed seeing a psychiatrist until I lost everything including my £2m business. I finally saw a psychiatrist after a massive OD in 2008 and I wish I had seen him 10 years earlier. I'm here if you need further counselling but that will come after you have got your neurotransmitters pumping again and you are firing on all four cylinders.....you need to break that cycle first and foremost otherwise you wil only go downhill. If you don't have a psychiatrist ask your GP to refer you. You will need specialist help if your GP has already tried and tested other antidepressants that haven't been effective to date.