Sometimes I Forget

[MsTree]

Sometimes, during the day, I forget what all is happening to us. I’ll be happy, singing, and then I remember and just start crying. I’ve cried enough to put out a house fire. Then I get up and go on. I make myself put my shoulders straight and my head high. I hold my head up with my hands if I have to. I must remind myself to do that.

[PNIAuthor60]

You are very courageous in the midst of some very devastating circumstances. It is okay to forget for a period of time, your brain needs the rest from processing so many feelings - do you enjoy any hobbies? Are there activities you enjoy with your grandson? Do you and your grandson go for walks?

Good self care is important - I'm learning how important it is to eat nutritionally, get sleep and exercise, journal, talk with friends or a therapist and have set aside this year to focus on doing it. I was always really good at meeting the needs of others to my own detriment because I really did not know myself well enough by the time I left.

Your situation has brought forward realizations that I have been trying to write about for years. I just couldn't bring myself to admit them to myself and it scared me to admit them to others.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. As a woman of faith, my first instinct is to pray for the three of you because in your own ways you are all hurting. I learned in my own recovery that "hurting people usually end up hurting others."

There is hope here in this community of courageous souls, the likes of which I have never seen before. It is that atmosphere that keeps bringing me back and giving me the courage to be honest with myself.

[MsTree in reply to PNIAuthor60]

I make crosses. facebook.com/76265720721702...

My grandson is in my face right now. Thank you for your reply. I hope to get to finish reading it when little man goes to sleep.

[MsTree in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Please check out my crosses at the FB site above. I am a talented person. An artist wanna be. I sing, write poetry, make quilts, at least I used to.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to MsTree]

You still are a creative and talented person - am I to understand that you have a faith in our Lord Jesus?

[MsTree in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Oh yes mam. I do. Since I was a child. I used to climb on top of the house to get closer to God. I started reading the Bible at 9 years of age. I wanted to know everything about God. I taught Sunday school for 33 years. If there was one piece of advice I tried to teach these children, it was this: Every sin starts with a single thought. It's what you do with that thought that matters.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to MsTree]

So now for me your experiences are a testimony for His glory and grace! It makes sense now. While we can't figure out how we made it through everything - we have forgotten the counsel of the truth of scripture in Zech 4: 6 which says " Not by might, not by power, but by my Spirit," says the Lord.

Isaiah 40:31 tells us: "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walkand not be faint." (Woman of Faith Study Bible NIV) - despite how any of us feel in the midst of the storm - God's Word reminds us of the TRUTH of who we are MsTree!!

We are Resilient Faith Warriors in Christ according to Galatians 2:20 which states: " I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me."

You are an amazing woman and my sister-in- Christ, MsTree!!

[MsTree in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Exactly. When I couldn't put one foot in front of the other, Jesus carried me. I have felt it as sure as if I could see Him. I've been through an earthly hell. A nightmare that won't end. As young as 6 years old when I saw my father choking my mother, it's been this way. Each day is a good day because I'm still here alive and breathing. I can still care for my grandson. I'm against divorce except for adultery. I pray without ceasing and use what sense I have left to make what I hope are the right decisions. That doesn't mean I won't suffer. I do suffer. I experience feelings on a deeper level than most people. I feel the pain of others. I have the spirit of discernment.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to MsTree]

It's remarkable isn't it because He promised never to leave us or forsake us and He hasn't and never will.

As for suffering, Jesus also warned us that we would experience that in this world, but if we trust and hope in Him we will overcome. He promised, "I have overcome the world. I will make everything new."

There was a time in my own childhood I had no idea who he was or what I meant to him - I had created faculty concepts about my value as a little girl and who God was because of childhood experiences I didn't understand. As I look back on my life and the things that I have come through, I realize that in and of myself I could not have done it on my own, I had no idea how to do it.

But choosing to believe in a power greater than my self - the power of Love has made all the difference to me in my recovery and changed my perceptions.

Thank you MsTree for all that you have shared with me. I am encouraged and inspired by your faithfulness in trusting God throughout your life!

[MsTree in reply to PNIAuthor60]

I hope when my time comes to leave this earth, I don't have to suffer a long painful death. Would that be too much to ask the Good Lord? I'm from south Arkansas so my choice of wording is pretty southern. You "awt ta hear me talk" lol