Ive not posted on here before so thought I would give this a go. I feel like a mess.
4 years ago my partner admitted to using porn. We discussed it, he said he wouldn't use again. We also paid for me to see a sex therapist as I was quite upset about his use of porn and male sexuality. The therapist said that my feelings on the subject were valid, but, given that my partner said he wouldn't use again we moved forward.
2 years ago we moved in together, my libido started to decline. I would wake up to him masturbating next to me (something I'm not used to as I'd not realised to what extent men need release) we have a few financial issues and this year one of my closest relatives died. This was really difficult for me. On top of this I have been driving 70 miles a day, for 2 years, as part of my daily commute. This has taken its toll.
I recognise that I have likely been depressed over the last couple of years and have pushed him away both mentally and physically.
Recently we went 4 months with no sex. I just couldn't get into it. My head was not there. I asked him if he was substituting with porn and he denied. He even said at one point, we have parental controls on our internet so that I dont think he's looking at porn.
He started getting out of bed at 4am. I asked him again if he was using it and he said that he hasn't been getting up to do that but he has been looking at over last 2 years. I feel devastated. I feel confused that he lied and given that I saw a therapist I would have hoped we could have discussed this. Instead hes been doing this for 2 years and lying about it.
He said that he only looks on the porn site but doesnt masturbate to it as he regards that as cheating. He said he needs to see something as we aren't having sex or if we are it's once a month. He tells me he's only looked at 50 times max. He said he doesn't go on webcams or into chat rooms. I have to somehow trust what he is saying.
I have a real issue with porn in relationships. The idea that he's been enjoying other women has made me feel so sick. My confidence is now at an all time low. My anxiety is unmanageable. I've been put on medication, I'm now with the local mental health team and been signed off of work because my head wont switch off. It will be 2 years until I can see a psychologist so in the meantime I've been allocated a psychiatric nurse. When she assessed me she said I have childhood trauma from events in my childhood (none of the events however are of a sexual nature, I was emotionally abused). I dont know how I'm going to cope feeling like this for 2 years before anything will addressed. I cannot seem to function.
I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I dont want to wake up in the morning, I've neglected my looks and the house is a mess. Ive always said to him from day 1 that porn is a problem for me in relationships. However, all I see on google is that men all look at it and how they need visual stimuli. Which is fine, but what if your partner doesnt want you getting off looking at other ladies? Hes admitted he wouldn't feel great if I looked at men, but he wouldn't have such a massive issue as me.
I'd hoped to settle down, marry and have children but I can't see this happening and this saddens me.
How do women who dont like porn cope with their partners using this?
I have no one to talk to. My friends say that's how men are, they're apes, pathetic etc and that they chose to ignore their husbands porn habits.
I dont want to think of men so derogatory (apes, pathetic). Im already feeling uneasy around them and this includes my dad. This upsets me.
What and where can I go with this to get some grounding and to feel better? I'd be grateful for any advice.
Written by
Loulou198
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Hi lou, sorry you’re going through this 😟 sounds like a tough time you’re going through. Maybe try talking to him on why you don’t like it and how it makes you feel if you haven’t already. Or maybe say if I did that how would you like it? Go out and take a walk it might make you feel better getting out of the house. You aren’t alone I’m sure other people struggle with this same exact thing! Best of luck xx
Hi Lou, I feel your pain, I found some magazines in my house when I was first married and went crazy! But over the next 25 yrs as long as he never bought anything in the house I knew he had weird fantasies and was over sexed, but all his good points way outweighed the others. I think its more important on how he is with you and is he the kind loving person you want in your life? There's never any guarantees that you won't grow apart eventually anyway I'm afraid, but then why worry about time when no-one knows what the future holds for us or how long we'll last.
But please don't think it's your fault for not being enough in that department, it's more important to work on the inner you to realize how lovely you are, you don't have a problem showing kindness and compassion to others, so direct more of that to yourself, your not meant to be perfect and life is a bit of a rollercoaster of ups and downs, so when it goes up treasure it and when it goes down try to ride it out.
Look after your health and fitness, only you are in control of that and you'll know what feels right for you, so put your trust there.
Yes he is kind and loving. He said that hes turned to porn as we havent been having much sex. We went 4 months not having it and previous to this maybe 1 x per month (over 2 years).
But now I dont want sex because he's been going online and looking at other women. My view is that we probably should have resolved our intimacy issues before he used porn to substitute.
I suffer from anxiety disorders and this has triggered my anxiety to a new level
I'm so sorry hun, he sounds very selfish with that feeble excuse. Of course he should have tried to solve your intimacy issues rather than doing something that he is well aware that it will hurt you. But it looks like you have two issues, both would greatly benefit some guidance from a good councillor , have you tried relate? I have friends that say it help them to see if the relationship can be salvaged. But I am more worried that you are feeling partly to blame and have low self-esteem. I went off sex with my husband thinking it was all my fault, but now there is nothing wrong with my sex life I just think we weren't compatible enough, but it took me a long time to learn how to love myself to no longer believe that I had to please others to be loved.
Anxiety will take over your life if you give it that power, which is what we do, you have to take that power back by continually looking at your thoughts and saying ' no to the negative one's . Anxiety is normal and can be considered very beneficial in the right circumstances, which is why things like mindfulness and CBT are so valuable as they give you alternatives of how to redirect those natural thoughts.
While your waiting for counselling try watching some YouTube talks , there are some great T.E.D. talks that might help.
To cope well with the world outside of yourself you need to find an inner peace, you have an incredible brain that never stops learning, so believe you can do this. Who knows perhaps you can end up helping you partner too as he must be very insecure with himself to need so much outside stimulus to relax and enjoy life.
I wish there were easy answers, but there probably isn't, but there are answers out there worth trying, so be brave and keep seeking them.
There are so many issues here, I will try to sort through it. No wonder you are having anxiety. What your husband is doing to you is so damaging . Most men have a desire for sex and most of them control it and wait for an appropriate time, place, and partner. Masturbation in my opinion is a natural activity for men and women ,but it becomes a problem when you are preferring that to your partner. Your husband also lies to you. If he is looking at porn he is finding release somewhere. I can't understand why you are in therapy , he is the one who should be. Have you watched porn? It's really rather pathetic. I don't recommend it, but you shouldn't feel bad about yourself because of it.I really don't see how you can stop him and even if you could he would be trying to find a way around it. I don't feel like I've helped you much, it's after three and my thinking isn't great right now. I have recovered from anxiety , if you want to know my experience with that let me know. Pam
Hes saying that he views porn because of the lack of sex in our relationship. There has been a lack of intimacy which has been due to me, we went 4 months without sex, prior to this maybe only 1 x month.
Ive seen porn and "some" of it is okay but the idea of him going out of his way to look at other women in porn has made me feel uncomfortable and now my anxiety has escalated.
First of all, don't let yourself be turned into the one at fault. The porn is his choice. Plenty of couples have to forgo sex for whatever reason and don't resort to porn. I think there is probably more to this than sex. Although I didn't know it at the time my anxiety was caused by poor self esteem, I also had panic attacks.I was 24 at the time with two small children and terrified My Doctor put me on valium to calm me down, then I started therapy and anti depressants My husband thought I should just snap out of it, so no help there. I didn't tell anyone else. So I struggled through it . Every where I went I would walk on jelly legs , feel faint, be confused. I'm sure you know anxiety can convince you of anything. I was sure I was dying. I went to college and for the first year and a half I battelled the anxiety but I was still able to learn and eventually it left. Not of it's own accord, but because I had convinced myself it couldn't harm me and I was afraid of ideas or fear.of fear. some of the tools I used were ...my car, I could always return to it till I felt under control, a bottle of water, a paper bag in case I hyperventilated , and a small vial of smelling salts. I did graduate with honors no less and I finished 2 yrs. of therapy. It was hard, I had to push myself, but it was so worth it. . .
Firstly, as a man. I find this thread completely and utter stupid. (If you post on a public forum for opinions, thenbe prepared for the ones you dislike).
Looking at porn isn't CHEATING. Millennials have created this thing surrounding pornography as bad as cheating, and I personally find it absolutely pathetic in my honest opinion. If he was leaving the house at 2/3am at night to go out to somewhere I'd understand your point, but looking at strangers who have sex for a living isn't cheating at all. Any sexual contact with another person is cheating, sexting is classed as cheating... But looking at pornography which has been around for centuries isn't cheating at all.
I don't have sex with my partner as regular as I would wish because of my mental health and general body pain caused by either the anxiety or possible fibromyalgia, I ENCOURAGE her to masturbate, though she says she hasn't. And she knows that I masturbate if she's asleep. Masturbation is perfectly normal, even during a relationship. To compare masturbation to cheating is completely preposterous.
I understand your hurt as my ex husband used porn in our marriage. Despite me saying I think it's objectifying women and totally against my views on respect, he continued. I tried to accept it as to be fair I liked reading the old 'mills and boon' style erotica so is that the same? After we divorced he obviously continued to use magazines....and then our young sons found them. They were very distressed especially as he swore them to secrecy. Didn't take long for their behaviour to change and words spoken at school before they told me everything. Social services involved....school protection...and a ban on him having them at his home. Might sound severe but my children also have special needs. Ive rambled a bit so im sorry but ultimately it comes down to respect and self worth. If he can't respect your views and he lies....I suggest you take time to consider what's acceptable to you in your life. You deserve love and respect. Hope my words helped x
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