So.. what do I do when I'm afraid of therapists

hello! I'm new here and I just wanted to talk a little bit about what's going on. I feel like this is an open, supportive space so it'll be easier to share. thank you all in advance.

It's been especially hard getting through my days now. stuff like rapid thoughts, easily influenced mood swings, anxiety attacks, irrational fears and worries, negative feelings, shyness, excessive self-criticism, lying, being impulsive, manipulating others subconsciously, generally being a not nice person, crying often, overthinking, feeling like I'm inconveniencing others, being too self-conscious and worrying about how others perceive me, not being able to trust anybody, feeling empty and unreal, exaggerating, having no motivation, thinking about death and suicide a lot, engaging in risky behaivor, asking people to hurt me, disasterizing, idealizing, rapid thought cycling, etc. happens weekly.

I really really just want to bring all this up with a counselor or therapist and get rid of all these feelings. but I can't bring myself to tell anybody. every time I try, I get nervous and eject myself from the situation, or overshare, and I have so many fears about saying too much and getting myself in trouble, I have no motivation to even try, no money, I convince myself I don't deserve help/that I'm doing it for attention, can't trust anybody either, they might judge me, or depending on what I say diagnose me wrong, are they even that reliable? maybe they're a bad therapist, what if they make it worse instead of helping, what if they don't listen to me, after all, I'm still young and haven't dealt with any real problems, what if my subconscious shuts them out and I don't learn anything, my heads screaming at me no and i just can't.

but I feel like an online therapist of any sorts would just make it easier to run away from my problems, or lie, or I could panic and cut off all communication, then maybe then they'd call the police because I wasn't answering and they'd think I might be dead. there's just too much to worry about, it stops me from even trying. also, video calls and phone calls are HELL for me.

the only time I'm NOT worried about it is if I get a chance to fill out a worksheet of some sorts where I can ask for help if I choose (preferably multiple choice, ha). if somebody could recommend me somebody who will JUST send me worksheets and give straight-forward answers and not talk to me over the phone or pressure me or anything. that'd maybe be enough for me, but probably not good enough for the therapist in question.

otherwise, I see no way out of this situation.

my friends aren't much help either, theyre not licensed, won't take me seriously, they might give the wrong advice, aren't organized enough, never available, etc. I need someone I know I can trust to talk to. but it probably won't even be good enough for me.

I'm hanging by a thread at this point, please, please help me. anything at all is appreciated.

thank you all very very much

[AppsFun]

Hello, I’m new here too and this is the first post I’ve read. I’m not an expert. It does seem like a lot going on, a lot of things to get on top of. A lot of things that will have a domino effect on other issues. I know from experience that not having money can seem to be a huge barrier. A barrier that halts plans to doing something to help yourself. I’ve found excuses to everything that might help. This is then a loop to get stuck in. A bound is needed to get out of the loop. How is this possible with no motivation you may ask? My best advice is small steps. Do little things that makes you feel better. Your post is one, I hope you find more and I hope this then snowballs your small steps into you feeling better.

[Hidden in reply to AppsFun]

thank you, I suppose there are a few steps I could take before I build up courage to talk to anybody, I'm just so used to rushing myself.

[hypercat54]

Hi I understand what you are saying but you are massively overthinking things and trying to negatively anticipate what might happen. This is called catastrophising and is common.

A counsellor or a doctor is never going to judge you as they are there to help. You will by no means be the first person who has difficulty expressing their feelings. Why not see your doctor but write down what you want to say and just hand it to them? Mental health issues is the 2nd biggest reason people visit a doctor (bad backs is 1st) so your doctor will be well used to this.

You have taken a very first brave step in coming here and opening up a bit to us. Stay with us and practise talking about your issues and you will find it easier the more you do. x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

thank you so muchxxx

[Hidden]

Space

You are like me I do not like sitting in a room with people I do not know and spill out my heart. The problem is treatment for Mental Health concerns rely on some form of treatment that has the expectation we will spill out all that is worrying us.

I have found that the first assessment is a getting to know each other and that can help if we get to know the Health Professional before getting down to what has forced you to talk out your condition. Sometimes patients may not get on with a nurse etc and a change may be the way forward.

People here and on my other site may consider me an open book, that is not the case, I am very cynical and try and hide my innermost thoughts. Even at home because of my past I can be hard work and I have the problem where I have no trust.

I find it easier on various sites to discuss things on sites, even when I become insular and lack understanding. Honesty is a big word for me and if I trust then be lied to there is generally now way out for a liar in my estimation. I personally will not lie and expect the same from others. I walk away quite quickly as I can and that makes me so very cynical.

I was once having CBT many years ago and my nurse knew what I was like, I was told to take CBT as a game in the first instance, that seemed to help me although it took two years of treatment before I opened up. The problem was I lost my CPN and was given another one, All was so difficult.

You need to trust, it is never easy until you can talk it out in confidence, we seem to spend out time getting used to others, all we can do is be tentative in our actions if we have been through a bad time over theyears

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

thank you