My first post, a bit (a lot) about me and my long term depression...

Hi, I've just joined the forum and really don't know where to start... so here's my best attempt at trying to describe my state.

I have been depressed for nearly as long as I remember, certainly since being a teenager - I cut myself a couple of times but couldn't go through with any serious attempt at suicide. After a while I stopped trying, knowing I wasn't strong (or cowardly) enough to go through with the real thing. But I never really stopped wanting my life to come to an end. Oh, I've had the odd month here and there where I start to feel what I think people describe as normal but for the most part I actually yearn for my own demise. My last thought before falling asleep is wishing not to wake up and my first thought on waking is one of disappointment. Every twinge I get I hope is an oncoming heart attack, every headache, a tumour. And this disgusts me, knowing there are people suffering and me, selfishly hoping for the same so now there is self loathing added to the mix.

I am amazing shy and have trouble interacting with people on a personal level unless I know them really well and because of that I have just one, what I would consider, real friend. But I wear a mask really well so even he doesn't know the extent of my feelings, he knows I get a bit down now and then, but he's a man's man and leads with the "you just need to buck yourself up" kind of line. Again, because of that mask, none of my colleagues have an idea of my internal distress - they just think that I'm hard working "goody two shoes" which I am! Because of my shyness I don't like pubs, bars, parties and such - I don't drink as I don't like the feeling of an altered state.

I married the woman I lost my virginity to (aged 19) so we've been together for 23 years. However, three weeks ago she asked for a divorce. She has known about my illness for years but actually thinks it is a sort of joke. She just called me boring because I don't go out with her and her friends and can't understand why I am so anti-social. I have been aware of my faults and have treated her like a princess trying to compensate for what was lacking in my make up. I encouraged her to enjoy herself without me there, and waited on her hand and foot when she was. In fact many of her friends think I'm the perfect husband because of the way she is treated, but now I find that this is not enough and what little self worth I had has been ripped from me.

We have a son aged 13 - he's unaware of my depression - I can't think of anything worse than a child having to deal with it. My wife talked me into having him (I thought it unfair to bring a life into this cruel world) but from day one I have loved him more than anything.... the problem now being that he has become my sole reason for being alive.

Up until now I have coped, too weak to ask for help, too embarrassed to admit that there is a real problem. But that was because until now I had two anchors holding me together, my wife and my son, only now I only have my son. I am teetering on the edge and this is as black as my pitiful life has ever been. I am genuinely sure that if it were not for my son I would not be here now, but how can I punish him for my selfish feelings.... I was around his age when I started my decline, what if my actions were to start the cycle again. But now I am getting frightened by a little part of me whispering "but you won't be here to know, you will be finally free".

So that's me, as my thread heading says, I've finally asked for help, I am here and more importantly I have booked an appointment with my doctor on Friday to discuss my wellbeing. I don't know if I even believe it will help but everything written says that talking is where to start.

Finally, if you've got this far, thanks for your time. I don't know if this is an exercise in self-pity or just the first chance that I have had to say a bit about how I feel to someone, somewhere.

[Hidden]

Hi Nath my you have been through the mill and no wonder you are feeling so dreadful, anyone would be. You state that you have suffered from depression for many years and I just wondered if you had ever sought any help before? If not why not? But you have now which is great. Opening up to us is very brave and a good first step to dealing with it. Now the 2nd step is to tell your doctor about it, if this is difficult can you write it down? Or take anyone with you? I know how difficult it can be to talk about it with anyone even a doctor.

The good news is that doctors hear this story day in and day out and there is a lot of help out there such as meds/counselling etc. Take advantage of it. There is no reason for you to keep suffering from depression. I understand there is a stigma about it and we have all suffered from this so understand very well. I think it's often harder for men to talk about too.

Remember it's not your fault and it is no flaw in you. It doesn't mean you are weak and there is no reason to be ashamed. Try and remember that.

Meanwhile you have found friends on here who understand what you are going through, so stay with us please and we will help and support you all we can. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your kind words, they do mean a lot. In answer to your questions - I've never sought help. Although I knew I was in distress I didn't want others to know - I think it's embarrassment of my own perceived failure at just being normal. Like I said the two people that I had tried to confide in were dismissive of my feelings.

[ilovemusic in reply to Hidden]

Hi Nath, really sorry you're going through such a rough patch and that the people you tried to confide in before this were dismissive. Depression is so tough. Kudos to you for still trying, and making an appointment with your doctor. Hope you find some relief soon.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Many people don't understand depression so don't be put off by that please. I never talk to my family about it. I did try telling my 3 sisters. One said nothing and looked embarrassed. Another just talked about her own ailments and the other said in a compemptous tone of voice 'What have you got to be depressed about'?

You need to seek help from the professionals. Often depression will go away of it's own accord, but yours obviously hasn't. x

[Olderal in reply to Hidden]

Nath,I'm a bit busy at moment trying to help someone on the forum which means a lot of typing most of which appears to have vanished into the ether. probably my lack of computer skills. I have n't read therefore all your post but would say this.

Based on my experience there is a lot to be said for keeping depression to yourself or to the minimum number of people. This is not always possible , certainly not possible for many. Bipolar 1 I would think is almost impossible to hide but I did n't have that. I did have Bipolar 2 which is (they say) almost or as serious but possible to hide. I was n't at all ashamed of being bipolar , after the first shock wore off years ago. It was just that my wife and I thought life would be easier if it was kept to ourselves . In hindsight I'm sure this was very true although in some ways it puts extra stress on you both.

Of course it makes sense for your GP to know (they keep it confidential) and in my case I don't think I could have done it without the wonderful support of my wife who was my only confidante and never mentioned it to anyone (I'm pretty sure). I did tell my two kids at about 21 but I don't think they really took it in.After all i was just Dad.

Now that I'm retired I do tell some people and of course I'm pretty frank on this site which is anonymous. But if many know there is always an elephant in the room , quite apart from the fact that attitudes are still such that it will do most careers a power of no good.

I think you are wise to talk to your GP, they can do quite a lot to help although they are still a long way off totally understanding and even further off curing depression in almost all cases.'

I don't think your life is or has been at all pitiful and I think in not asking for help you were incredibly strong and not at all weak. I had the help of a good GP and my wife (we now live separately -not my idea ) and consider myself pretty strong and to have done well but I don't think i could have managed what you've done. I think your thinking is a bit distorted . You should be very proud of your life and what you have achieved. I needed and asked for a bit more help but am now nearly always happy and content. Now that you've looked for help I hope you eventually come to realise what you have achieved and also find a lot of happiness in the years to come.

I was in many ways similar to yourself at one time . For years I would drive to catch aircraft praying that the plane would crash and I could die "respectably". I'm sure you've worked out that apart from the dreadful ,the only word. effect on your son and others who know you , its quite hard to commit suicide without also affecting very seriously some stranger, a policeman, engine driver etc. In my warped book an aircraft crash was "OK" Now I'm so glad it never did. I would have missed out on so much pleasure and happiness.

Apart from some current warped thinking your post to me seems to indicate you have all the right attitudes to also find contentment. You almost certainly won't lose the depression. You'll just learn to live with and cope with it better.

Olderal

[Blueshirt]

It's very brave of you to take the first steps; joining this group, posting and going to see your doctor. There is no quick fix, but there are many ways to cope that will give you some light at times even if there remains some dark times. Counselling has helped me over the years, as have certain medications. Most people still don't "get it" when it comes to depression; and sadly that includes people who you may have known for years. The good news is that there are many other people who you haven't met yet who do get it, who do understand, and who can and will help and support you. Things can get better. Good luck, and be kind to yourself

[Mandy6513]

Hi Nath

As a parent i can say its actually quite normal for us to live for our children. I also think most people hide their troubles really well just like you have and most people you know who seem happy and confident will be struggling with something.

As far as parties and pubs etc and not enjoying a crowd of people its ok not to be comfortable with that, its not a flaw in any way i can spend days alone without speaking to a soul and its heaven. I know someone who is a lecturer and she is the shyest person i know but like you and the rest of us she wears a mask. A social mask is normal we all play roles in different situations

Making an appointment with your doc is a huge thing and he will have heard that so many times and a lot worse so dont think your going to shock him.

You have managed to get this far all on your own and thats a massive thing so you should pat yourself on the back for that, there are so many people who dont work but you have so another pat on the back for you :)...There is actually a lot of positive things in your post your just not seeing it. Maybe now your opening up a bit you may see that actually things are not as bad as you think and other people will tell you they feel the same or similar

Let us know how your appointment goes

[darkshadow]

Nath,I am so sorry to learn of your troubles. Believe me, the best thing you have done is join this forum. When all else fails,I come here and always find comfort. The people here really understand our feelings and care about us. Friends who belittle our problems do more harm than good as we come to know the gulf that exists between them and us. our feelings of aloneness and isolation increase every time we meet with their lackof understanding. Stick with us here. We know and share your pain. xx.

[SinkingCindy]

No , You are not alone. It is good to talk it out. I am a retired teacher and can relate . Suffered with depression and anxiety since 20's. Managed to put on a good face and did a good job for 33 years. Was always there for family members and took on the caretaker role. I am new to this forum too. I know all the things to do to feel better but sometimes when life throws too many stressors at once I slip into eating what is easy not healthy . And though I have exercised most of my life can not find the energy to do so now. I know that you can make it. Yes, you will have bad times but it does get better. Your mood will improve. Divorce is stressful but maybe it is an opportunity to take care of yourself and your son now. I am glad you are going to see your doctor. I am at a low point dealing with many life changing issues myself. So I finally reached out for help again. I have connected with a good therapist. It is a good place to start.

[Hidden]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am grateful for so many touching messages, please know that they have made a small but perceptible dent in my current perception of the world.

Please also know that if anyone needs my support I am more than happy to try and give back to community. Feel free to get in touch.

Thank you all, you have made a very bleak life just that little more bearable.

[ilovemusic in reply to Hidden]

Glad it made a difference. Are there any support groups for maybe depression or those going through divorce in your area? I've heard good things about support groups (been considering going to one myself) and maybe it would be a good way for you to connect with nonjudgmental people going through similar life situations so you feel less alone. I think this website is great but face-to-face interaction is important too and since you said you are very shy, just wanted to suggest support groups since they seem like a pretty safe environment to socialize in.

[Depresseddorset]

Hi, I can totally understand how you feel. Like you I have lived with depression most of my life. I self harm and have attempted suicide but was found too soon(I thought).

My current episode has been with me for four year. The difference this time is that I have thrown away the mask and I am not afraid to admit my depression and anxiety. Reactions are mixed but I won't apologise. During this episode my GP recognised the illness before I did - doesn't happen often. Given CBT but that was no help. Venlafaxine and mirtazapine have stabilised me but I continue to isolate myself even though it is irrational. Last weekend I met up with a friend, had anxiety before we met. We talked and he wasn't put off by my illness in fact during the weekend I felt alive for a change.

To recover you have to accept your illness is part of you. Your son is your anchor, my grandson is mine. I have come close to suicide during this episode but he stops me, I know he would be devastated and I can't do that to him.

Your son is yourreason for living so focus on him to get you through the bad times. Get your doctor on your side and start to be kinder to yourself, it is a long road to recovery but you can do it.

I wish you all the best, if you need support let me know

[Hidden in reply to Depresseddorset]

Thanks, your feelings regarding your grandson do indeed resonate as to how I am with Harry, Hope you are doing OK.

[Hidden]

Hi all, just an update.

I saw the my doctor on Friday - Despite my reservations he was attentive and seemed to generally sympathise. I must admit that it felt good to talk - better than I imagined it could. I've been put on sertraline but have been told that it will take a while to have any effect. I have also been referred to a therapist, but as it's a bank holiday here in the UK I can't do anything until Tuesday. I have a follow up with the doctor in a fortnight.

As to how I am actually doing I am swinging between "ok" that quickly dips down to a couple of hours of real darkness and then back up. I think it's ok with the day to day thing it's just when I start considering what has to be done in the future that I spiral back down, maybe more of an anxiety thing.

Thanks all.

[darkshadow]

Sertraline takes longer than 2 weeks to work but they did work for me after 4---6 weeks. You are on the right road now. Keep going and you will feel a lot better soon.

[ilovemusic]

Sertraline has personally gotten me out of some deep, dark pits. And yeah, around four weeks was when I really noticed a big, fat, notable change. Glad you're having some "ok" moments these days. Beats feeling terrible 24/7. Hang in there!