Just wondered if this was anyone else’s experience of the 3 month post-VM window? I’m trying to capture a series of milestones in writing so I can refer to them later. Short-term memory issues and all that! Also, as I never, that’s never, want to go back here again...
Who the heck is that at this time? “I’m coming, hang-on”. What day is it? Wednesday, I think. But it was just Saturday. I remember that as I felt better then (I did, right?). The sun was out and there’s nothing to feel guilty about being ill for on Saturday. But what happened to Monday and Tuesday? I'm not much of a fan of Sundays so I don’t miss that one, but seriously. Go downstairs man. Move your legs. Are these stairs really steep, or it is just me. I can’t get out of breath going down stairs can I? That's not right.
11:32am. I guess that’s a respectable time for the doorbell to ring. Darn it. I’m still in my jogging bottoms [substitute PJs, sweats, onesie]. That’s okay, right. Sure, you’re not well. Give yourself a break, and who cares. You're supposed to be resting, but how do you do that again? Anyway, who is it? I used to like guests, I think, though can't quite remember, but what do they want now; can’t they come back later? They can see the curtains are still drawn. I need space.
Deal Lord it’s the meningitis case worker [substitute guest as required]. Of course, it’s Wednesday. I wrote that down somewhere, right? Did I? But where is my list, and what else is on it. Drink water. Yes, that’s always there. Good. I must do that. Drink more water. Yes, it's all good. [Doorbell rings again] No, it's not. Why is this is so hard. I have to take the battery out of that bell, it's SO loud. Was it always that loud, penetrating into my skull like a skewered pig. Pull yourself together man, it’s just the front door. You can do it.
If it Wednesday [the fear is setting in] what did happen to the rest of the week. I need to stop worrying, seriously, or….ah, no, not now, please, no… it’s coming… [metaphyscial hand grabs the backbone and...]Spine Snap I. Damn that hurts...wait, wait, I need to breathe. Why can't I breathe when it happens, or do I hold it? When will it stop, please, make it stop. “Hang on a minute, I'm coming”.
[Looks through the glass] What is he doing here today. Doesn’t he know how sick I am. I can’t do this. It hurts. It really, really hurts. Help me please. Go away, for the love of everything holy, go away……No, hang on, don’t go. I need someone to witness this. I have all my limbs but why does it keep hurting so. He knows right, he really knows what this means and why. He can 'see' it. He can see I'm missing something. “I’m coming…”. What's his name again?
[Door opens] God that is bright, and noisy too. Is that the light making a noise, or...this can’t just be me right. Turn it off please, come on,
- “You okay [insert name]. You don’t look so good.”
“Thank you. I’m…not...not feeling too good today.”
- “Shall I come back another day?”
“NO please, stay….I mean, it’s nice to have someone here. Come in. Would you like a cup of tea”.
- “Thank you, that would be lovely”
Darn it. What have I done. I can't make a cup of tea! Remember what happened last time. Serously, have you thought this through. Have you got the list? No, No! Did you write one? Just tell him you can't do it...
“No problem. Take a seat and I’ll be right there”.
How do you do this for heck’s sake? Oh no. Stop stressing or it'll come again. I can’t do this. Sure, it’s just tea but….what’s the time; did I have those painkillers yet? I must have done as it's past 0900 (when did I get up? is it really Wednesday, and what would I be doing at work now? [getting very scared]) but why aren’t they working. Work damn you! I should never have got out of bed. And why the heck is it the kitchen light so bright. Turn it off quickly before, oh no,….Spine Snap II…
*Spine snap – The implacable feeling that an unseen force has ripped your astral backbone and spinal cord from your body, and cracked them like a wet-towel in a locker room. As the pain waves converge and ‘snap’ with an inaudible deafening crack just below the base of the skull, the pain radiates across your cranium in excruciating ripples. Finally, as the force of gravity increases to that of Jupiter, it pulls you into foetal positon with a half-caught breath and water streaming from your eyes. Why me, please, what did I do to deserve....