Getting them to be independent

[Rupertthebear]

A month ago I felt quite ill . I told a friend and instead of checking into a@e I just rested for 3/4 days . The reason I didn’t go to a@e was I am the main carer for my adult son(s) who both have disabilities. I did so much running around keeping them going mental and physical health that I ended up suffering fatigue . I am sure there are parents out there who have been tirelessly doing the same and one day run out of steam . I have come to a point where I can’t keep on doing all these things for them . I wish they were more independent but are not .It’s really freaked me out that I am quite stuck with this problem . I am trying to get my head around it and prioritise what’s essential and what can they do themselves ? I need to let go of something’s and at the same time do a risk assessment . They can be so careless phone never charged when they go out ! Not having their glasses! Honestly trying to get them independent and helping around the house is a nightmare . How are other parents coping or what strategies are you using ? I feel like a taxi driver all the time . Trying to get them to use public transport this summer !! Where am I going wrong ? The pandemic has put their social skill development behind by a year or so .

[Jofisher]

Hi I feel your pain and understand where your coming from. We were there as a family once for different reasons than yours our son went into care at 5 due to his severe epilepsy and other difficulties it was incredibly hard but it was definitely the right thing for him and for our family. People who can help !!!!! you could call social services and tell them your a carer for your two disabled loved ones and your In crisis and you need their help. Also contact the carers association and tell them you need their help and explain your issues. Also get advocates for your loved ones they’re called Independent mental capacity advocates you should be able to find one locally they can also be invaluable for them and for you and can ensure your loved ones needs are kept central to what’s going on there. Good luck but remember don’t feel you’ve failed you’ve done an amazing job in very difficult circumstances and you are now thinking this isn’t working for and. You need to do something that’s best for them and you. If your loved ones get placed somewhere as long as it’s local you can then enjoy quality time with them and they can start to learn to be independent and you can start to have a life of your own knowing you’ve done the best for all of you.

[49Twister]

Do you not get any respite? Really difficult for you having both sons with disabilities. Is one son more able than the other who might be able to support his brother in some ways, ie reminding him to charge his phone etc. Have you considered supported living, you haven’t mentioned their ages, would this be a possibility? We keep getting told as carers to look after our health and well-being but really difficult when doing it alone. Do you have direct payments for them, set up a taxi account for them instead of you doing the running around . Do they have PA’s to take them out and about to give you some respite. You actually need some support. The CARERS centre allocated me with a support worker and she was invaluable. She has retired now but we’ve remained friends and meet for lunch etc. She helped in many ways attending meetings, ideas for using direct payments. If she couldn’t help she would find out who could. Take care