Devolution

[NewHistory]

I feel I have worsened in the last year in a way that has stupefied me. I feel devolved in my sense of self and brain power. I lack the focus, initiative, and ability to complete even hardly mentally tasking goals. I spend most of my time lying in my bed and staring blankly. It's a big concern of mine as I move forward in college. I want to try and read more or challenge my brain but I always feel like my days finish before I can tell they've started and I am left at the end of each one only able to lay and cry exhausted. The strength to change seems so impossible and far from me. I hardly have the strength to move myself as I need anymore. I remember when I was somebody who could walk everywhere and go on runs or to the gym or yoga. I used to be a dancer. I once made a magazine with two friends that took off I had to back away from. I'm nothing now, I see my current and old friends move forward while I flail. I hate myself for this. I have potential and I am being destroyed by myself.

[bluejay67]

I feel for you. You describe my life (I am in my late 50s). I am wondering if you are able to withdraw from school and take care of yourself and your brain? Be in nature? Find something that fills your soul with joy? You are not nothing....don't hate yourself, that just makes it worse. Please trust that the dancer is still in there, somewhere. I recently rediscovered my inner artist after many years.

[NewHistory in reply to bluejay67]

Thank you for your kind advice. I loved reading this so much.