I think it is finally hitting me that this thing is never going to go away. Not only it isn't going away, it will go progressively worse. I will retain fat on my body in places I never thought I would, my skin will end up crisscrossed with purple lace like marks, I will have bruises, my veins prominent under the skin, I will be bald, my memory will go, my wonderful and sharp brain will start jumbling words, my eye sight will diminish. And this is without taking into account any other organ that could be affected, or joints, or God knows what else.
I've been away for few days visiting some family. As usual when in someone else's house, I haven't had time to focus on myself much, which hasn't been a bad thing and actually I have been feeling ok throughout. I got home today, took a long bath and then I looked in the mirror. I have lost so much hair, oh my God! I was so stunned, I started crying. Then of course I started looking at the rest of me and I lost it, really. Because it is not going to get better, it will get worse. And I don't know how I can absorb that and carry on regardless.
I don't know how you all are able to carry on. Maybe I will too find a way tomorrow but today I'm absolutely floored by the realisation of what lupus means to my future.