Does anyone else ever feel like they are being a fraud?
I have to say over the many years that I have been afflicted with whatever it is that I have, I have occasionally (often just as I have been recovering from a flare) thought that it was me making the most of whatever I was suffering at the time and just to get on with life. This time though my illness has over the last 3 months had many peaks and troughs, some days I have several in a day to the point that I seldom know if I am making a recovery or just having some respite before the next wave takes over me.
After several days last week when I felt terrible, the last couple of days, in the main, and in myself I haven't been feeling all that bad. Yes I have been wracked with lots of joint and abdo pain but generally the depression that has had me gripped for a few weeks had started to lift, to the point that if I was asked if I felt upto a fazed return to work, then my honest answer would be yes, and yes I have been feeling like a bit of a fraud for a couple of days now. Now don't get me wrong this adversary has been with me for long enough for me to know better, for me to know that my current brightness could easily be caused by the simple fact that my plight has ben given a label and I have been provided with the motivation to investigate and (mainly through this site) find myself some support, so for now, I will hold fire, at least until I get to sit down with my brand new GP.
My partner and I are about to move house, and yesterday decided to buy a shiny new power washer and, between us de-weed the drive on our current house. Yesterday afternoon between us we managed to clear about 10 sq.yds, leaving about double that to still be done. After the task I was a wasted man and a bath and some food saw the last of my energy drain from me and I spent the rest of the evening slumped on the couch, not knowing where I hurt the most..............................Perhaps I should have heeded the warnings.
But oh no, not I.
Even though I couldn't sleep last night because of the thumping in my head and chest, and the pins & needles in both my hands and feet, and as per usual my right groin had become immovably locked, with the added bonus that my left groin had decided to join the party and play the same game, that I had to lay there most of the night on my back, legs akimbo, all to the end that I only managed about an hour of shut-eye. At 8am, up I bounded (which more took the form of a prolonged painful roll onto the floor and an even more (than usual) painful scrabbling with furniture until I was (something like) upright. Bye 9:30 the kit was out on the drive and I set about my task with as much gusto as I could muster. Even though about halfway through the imaginary elastic bands that stretch themselves across the outside of my ankles were stretched to breaking point and had rendered my feet two immobile stumps over which the best I could manage was a shuffle, even though I had to complete the task using both hands on the trigger of the lance as my thumbs could no longer grip through both pain and weakness. I just kept turning and smiling my reassurance to my partner that I was ok, just a bit weary from the previous day. Never the less 2 hours later the job was done and I crawled on all 4's up to a pre-prepared bath. I thought that I struggled to get in...................but getting out took me about a quarter hour, I had no strength left in my arms or legs, not even enough to fold them under me to offer any kind of support.
So here I now am. A shell of a man. The grim reaper has once again smashed me in my left temple with an iron bar and the pain almost blinds my left eye as it curses from behind my ear across my temple into the front and over the top of my crust, the cold finger is (for the first time in a while) actually hurting, my every joint is screaming at me, I have rheumatic pains surging from my inner wrists right up to my armpits and I feel like whoever plunged the knife into my lower left side, is sat there twisting it. I don't even recall seeing the sun and yet the rash on the back of my neck and forearms has raised into blisters, most of which have burst and I recognise the onset of the complexion of a crocodile only it seems much earlier this year!!!
There is a name for that which I am so obviously afflicted, one that I have yet to see on here (or anywhere else for that matter)....................................Over Ambitious Pillockitis!!!!!