Hello everyone, its just Jules here, on behalf of mum (and now me)
Sorry I have been gone so long, life is surrounding me, things aren't great - but I know some of you lovely people have more on their plate than me.
Mums stage 4 cancer as you know and has spent the last 10 days in a hospice (its St Oswalds in Gosforth Newcastle upon Tyne - what a fantastic team of staff and facilities, and its a private charity). I REALLY don't want mum to end her days there, no matter how good the place is, I want her back living with me at home with my husband. But shes is so much pain and the cancer seems to be effecting her behaviour now, mums become very sharp and cold - that's not the true mum. Shes started trying to walk by herself (heading for the exit sign) and yesterday she had a fall in the bathroom at the hospice. Thankfully she doesn't seem to have injured herself. The situation is causing a real sharp pain in my heart, I never knew life was going to end like this.
To top things, its me now that has been selected by the powers that be to be frightened by cancer. The GP refered me to hospital last week. This morning (in a few hours I go for a scan and a biopsy is booked for 14th November) - possible bladder cancer after finding blood in my pee.
I am sure it will be nothing, everyone is telling me so - but you know the strange thing is I almost want to 'go' when mum 'goes'.. I just don't want her to take that journey all alone.
Sorry to ramble, my head is like a washing machine again.
Anybody in a similar boat/awke for a chat?
Love
Jules
x
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Julesgettingthere
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hi im so sorry you are feeling like this..................... i did i still do have feelings as my lovely husband passed away from Lung cancer in june- its terrible and the helplessness is incredible. you want to take the pain away but it just shows itself in a different way. hopefully your scan will be negative and a simple explanation found. I hope you find some more strength to carry on for your mum and family, much love Jackie x
Oh Jules, how lovely to hear from you again, but how sad that it has to be in such awful circumstances.
Yes, it would be lovely to have your mum home with you but I am sure you recognise that she is probably better where she has so much medical support. Don't get too stressed about the change in her personality, that is the cancer talking, your mum is still there underneath.
What an awful shame that you now have additional worries about your own health. Try to stay positive if you can, urine infections can cause blood in the urine as can other things. It must be so worrying but fretting won't make it any better. Try to put it out of your mind as much as you can until 14th, just concentrate on your mum until then.
Your mum would not want you to 'go' when she goes, she would be devastated to think that her cancer was causing you to think like that. I am sure that she would want you to grieve for her and then carry on with the best life you can have.
Do realise that you have the love and support of all of us here. I think you have my phone number, ring me if you need to talk, even if it's the middle of the night. I have lost members of my family so know how you must be feeling now.
Lots of love to your mum, we didn't have long to get to know her on this forum did we.
Take care of YOU, you need all your strength for the coming weeks.
So sorry to hear of everything that has been going on with you and your Mum. There have been some wonderful responses and it is understandable that you want your Mum home. Perhaps ensure you are physically well and complete all your investigations first whilst your Mum is receiving excellent care at the Hospice.
It is such a difficult time for everyone and do make sure you have emotional support for yourself. As Jan has written your Mum would want you to embrace your life and continue to treasure the memories you already have.
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