I feel like everything is spiralling out of control. My Mam got diagnosed nearly 12 months ago with terminal small cell lung cancer, she has had chemo and radiotherapy her treatment finished at the beginning of December. She has been generally ok with a few ups and downs. I suspected she was still smoking a while ago but she denied it, she is a grown woman who knows the facts so I didn't say anymore. A few weeks ago my younger brother found cigarettes and went mad, I told him that I had already suspected she was smoking and he was mad at me. We had a heated row and now he won't speak to me. I just feel like I'm losing everyone I understand his frustration and that he is just taking his upset out on those closest but it is making it uncomfortable being round him as he lives with my Mam. They used to be close but now that has changed, I feel like he is going to regret his actions and told him to spend quality time with our Mam but he doesn't. We don't know how long we've got left with her so I try to cherish that time and do nice things with her. We used to do things with the 3 of us but now he won't come the whole situation is breaking my heart. He is a real stubborn character and I just can't make him see that we need to make of the time left with her. I have tried to reach out to him but he won't listen. X

6 Replies

  • I understand your brothers frustration but he needs to know that to stop smoking is very difficult even for a healthy person. There are many people here who have never smoked and still get this disease. Your mother is going through a very stressful time and to smoke is her way of relieving that stress. To add to the stress by insisting she stop will not help her. May be your brother should see Macmillan or her lung cancer nurse to talk about his frustration that might help him come to terms with what is happening.

    Quality time is what you all need to do because you cannot turn back the clock. I hope your mum continues to show this disease a tough time and you have many months together.


  • i understand your brothers feelings about the smoking.....i only had 11 weeks from diagnosis to losing my wife....and she contd to smoke......much to my anger....i tried most things to get her to stop or at least cut down...just to give her a better quality time.....but now she's gone i totally understand that she couldn't not wouldn't....and i long to tell her that.....make every moment count finnbaby x

  • Dear Finnbaby,

    I completely sympathise with you; this is such tricky situation. As you say, your Mam knows the facts, and she may be continuing to smoke for a variety of reasons. Its understandable that both you and your brother are upset about this but you are perhaps coping with it better than he is. There is no easy way around this, you just need to keep trying to communicate with him and hope that he comes round.

    Best wishes,

    Beth, on behalf of information and support.

  • Aww so sorry to read about your mum.your brothers prob finding all this difficult to try not to be to hard on him I hope you can sort it out and be there for your mum and help her out.smoking not good but its soooo hard to stop has she had any help with trying to quit?I have been getting free patches and gum from my chemist.

  • Thanks for your advice. It's just so hard, it seems to be tearing us apart I don't think it's just the smoking it's just that I think we r both so frightened of losing her but in turn I now feel like I'm losing my brother too :( We all have always been so close, there are 13 years difference between me and my brother so I have always helped looked after to him and loved him more like a son than a brother. I just want us to be close again and look out for one another. I am so frightened of the future and I worry if my mam gets unwell then this not talking isn't going to help either of us. I love my Mam so much and want how ever she's got left to be the happiest and most cherished time but at the moment this isn't happening. I just feel like everything is spinning out control and getting worse and worse and never ends!

  • So sad....mabe try and get him to read some of these posts......theres not a man or woman on here who doesn't wish they could turn back the clock when they lose a loved one....we all deal with tragedy in our own ways sadly when the person deals differently to us who's wrong and who's right......

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