I lost my soulmate and the love of my life last night.

I lost him and my life is never going to be the same without my soulmate, my love and my rock. He's been a true fighter, a soldier and a believer in miracles until the last minute. From the time he was diagnosed with this terrible desease in December (8 months ago exactly) until his last moments, he didn't do anything but hope for a cure. But every time I took him back to hospital, I lost a piece of him. The last four weeks were the most agonising for him because he lost his ability to concentrate on anything and he lost a lot of his mobility. He used to read a lot and write and walk around the park every day for an hour. I prayed every day for his cure but my prayers were never answered until these last couple of days at the hospital when I prayed that his pain stops and it did that very night. I miss him like mad but I'm fine with me suffering not him. My baby was loved by everyone, a true human and a gentleman. He loved life and humans alike. He was there for me whenever I needed him. Leaving him last night at the hospital was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I'm not new to sorrow; I lost my dad too early and my mum suffered with breast cancer. Every corner of the house reminds me of the agony he went through; we've just set up a hospital bed for him a day before his passing and bought him a recliner chair which is still in its box.

Life is so cruel but he's at peace now; no more pain, no more hoping where there was no hope.

NT21

22 Replies

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  • So sorry to hear your news. Like you say he will be at peace now.

    God bless both of you. Xx

  • I am so sorry for your loss. Know that he is at peace and free from pain .

  • I'm so very sorry for your loss and your pain. My dear husband is fighting the same battle now. It's very painful and heart breaking to watch.

    My heart goes out to you Lady. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Sorry for your loss. I am sure you have cherished memories of your life together.

  • Your story mirrors exactly what happened with Chris. It is 4 years now and I still miss her. Remember the good times and know he is no longer in pain and confusion.

  • I'm so so sorry for you. Look after yourself x

  • So very sorry to hear of your loss..he is at peace..I hope you find solace in that.

  • So sorry cancer is crap like you i am traveling the same road my husband has lung cancer plus brain mets we have been told his got under a year so sad thinking off you love carol x

  • Hi so very. Sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life in march after 6 months diagnosed sclc it feels like eternity since i last saw him and it still very hard luving life without him. He sufferd all the same symtons as your loved one and the ladt 3 weeks eere the worst thing i have ever experienced i nursed him at home were he passed peacfully in the end and i no he his now free from pain because this dreadfull illnesses took evrything ftom him mind body and soul i got a beutifull. Ring made. With his ashes and i feel he his always close to me its a long journey for you and hope you can stay strong god bless xx

  • I totally understand your grief. My husband died one year ago from lung cancer after 5 years of trial after trial. With each trial we gained hope because the cancer would disappear for over a year. He had the ALK gene which has many trials, however, he was not able to get on the last trial even for compassionate care. Everything reminds me of him, in fact, music seems to cause the most pain for me. If a song comes on the radio that we both liked, the flood of tears starts. With therapy, I am able to move forward by just putting one foot in front of the other. I am retired so the days were endless, but I am now taking some classes and doing volunteer work. It helps so much, but don't let anyone tell you it isn't painful or it's time to move on. I also joined a widow's group which helps a lot. I wish you peaceful days.

  • So very sorry to read your news. words can seem so shallow at these very sad times. as each day moves on, and better memories start to replace the recent painful times he endured, he will live on in your heart and mind. We each deal with grief in different ways - and when it is your soulmate, it can feel as if the very heart of you has been ripped out… just know that we're thinking of you… not just at this sad time but when things seem pointless or you become angry that others are carrying on their lives as normal when yours is no longer in that space…. take care…. hope peace will enter your life in future.

  • Thank you all for your kind words. I miss him so much and I still can't believe he's gone. I nursed him at home and at hospital; spent many nights with him in the shared cubicle when he begged me to stay because he was scared that the night nurses will not give him his pain relief on time and because he struggled in the mornings to remember who or where he was until the nurses had enough and moved us to a side room; there I looked after him a lot better and at times he would have moments when he is alert and that was the time when I felt happy again; it didn't last long of course but was good enough for me. I used to borrow a wheelchair and take him outside for some fresh air. Our love had no boundaries and I would do what I did over and over again for him but I know he didn't want to live like that. The last 3 weeks or so he told me that he wanted to die and I was thinking, if I had a switch, I would do it for him. Now all of that is over and I'm left with an empty house with every corner a reminder of the good and the bad times.

    Thank you all again for writing to me and hope that those who are still fighting, win the battle and those who lost loved ones carry on loving them and hope that their wounds heal very soon.

    Take care of yourselves

    NT21

  • I am so sorry for your loss. Your words, your loss, your grief touches us deep in our souls. I pray that your will find peace as you shoulder on.

    Peter

  • So sorry to here of your loss ,he is now pain free small words of comfort but that is the only way to look at it .My thoughts are with you .Diane

  • So very sorry of your loss and like all the replies you have had, no words are enough comfort. We will all be thinking of you and he was lucky to have you at his side.

    Kindest regards

    The Roy Castle Support Team

    0800 358 7200

  • So sorry to here yr bad news, but he's not suffering any more and at peace, it is such a cruel diease, hope they find a complete cure very soon.

    Jean

  • So sorry...awful awful news.....just take it hr by hr...so wish we could do more xx

  • I buried him yesterday. Today is pain on a different level altogether. I started looking at his photos and finding any videos for him and I called his mobile to listen to his voice. It hurts like nothing I've ever experienced.

  • How you doing x john

  • Hi John

    Thanks for asking. I'm really struggling. I can't see myself going on for another day let alone a life time. I'm 44 and it feels like my life is already over. It hurts so bad and I just want to be with him. Nothing is working. Every time I see anything of his, I cry and I can't stop until my ribs hurt. I tried going out with friends but the only thing I could see is couples together and i cry again. I'm not new to losing a loved one; i lost my dad 12 years ago and that was a shock but this feels as if I've never been through it before. Of course going through all the paperwork doesn't help. It feels like I'm wiping his life off the face of the earth. I can't bear it.

    I can see you've been through it; how was it for you and how did you cope?

  • i so feel for you.....i lost sam april 2015....after a very short 13 wks fight....Id have to say that at 2/3 wks your still numb and nothing any1 says however well meant makes a blind bit of difference...i did feel like joining my wife but knew that 1 she wouldn't want that....and that at some point we would be together again and 2 our dogs needed me...How did i cope?....i honestly don't know...i have a very small family and no close friends so after the the initial couple weeks i felt completely alone ..my dr was great and i attended grief counselling for a year which helped.....a damm good cry once a week....im still sorting through my wives bits so don't be in a rush to do that......at this early stage it is day by day....very slowly it will get easier i promise...time does make it easier to cope...you will never ever forget but ever so slowly you will get through this x

  • Hi,How you getting on?

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