Very bad heartbreak, someone please read my story and help me. I feel helpless and I want to die

[AmandaaRoseee]

Me and my boyfriend were together for almost a complete two years. I've known him for four of those years, we've always been the very best of friends. In the beginning of last year he really liked me, and Id never experienced a real relationship before so I didn't think much of it. He would talk to me every day so sweetly and he always made me smile. He stood by my side for six months and literally begged and begged till I finally gave into dating him. I didn't want to date him because i was scared my heart would break...and it did. At first it was good, we had a lovely first kiss together. He was so protective of me and our relationship came so naturally. We made so many happy memories together and we know everything about eachother and he's the first person I've ever been so insanely close to. After a few months of being together, we decided to lose our virginities to eachother. I wanted to lose it to someone I love and that I was sure I would be with forever. It was silly of me, but at the time he was so sweet and crazy for me and nothing was going wrong i knew that we'd be together forever. A few months later he started lying to me, doing this behind my back, making it harder for me to trust him only causing me to be paranoid and to have a different attitude towards him. Within each lie I found out about, I would confront him and beg him not to ever again. We've had breakups before in person, usually because he did something to hurt me and I would try to leafe and he'd fall to his knees and beg me to stay and no matter how much he hurt me I would always stay. ever since lying became a frequent thing, our relationship was going downhill and we fought a lot. But when we were together we had such wonderful times. Despite the bad times we made eachother so happy. We slept over eachothers houses every weekend and would hang out here and there during the week between work and school and all. We were so fun to be around and it was just a very happy relationship despite the problems he caused. He's become such a huge part of my life, he's my first real everything and i shared all the places and things I love with him which will make things harder for me if I ever find someone again. He's been doing things behind my back again whether it hurts me or not, not cheating but things that a person in a relationship SHOULDNT be doing. Just a few weeks ago he found out that his parents are making him move with them to north Carolina, he's 18 so I don't think he should be forced. but they aren't like any normal family and they aren't good people at all. I told him he could stay with me and he was agreeing to do that. He wanted to have a weekend alone so he dexuded not to see me this weekend. I was upset because he was hanging out with people and if he wanted to be alone he would've stayed home. I got worried that he was with his friends who smoked, and asked him if he was doing it behind my back. And lashed back and cursed me out saying no and why can I ever trust him. Later that day we were getting very angry towards eachother and he said that he doesn't want to put up with our shitty and broken relationship anymore. He caused me to not be able to trust him, I was only looking out for myself to not get hurt. But he told me that he's done and that he's going to move anyway in a year so leaving me now will make it easier. Im sitting around crying, my heart isn't beating right, I can't breathe correctly, I can't eat without puking it up, I feel like I can't move, and I can't sleep for more than an hour without being waken up from the thoughts of him. We talked after breaking up and he's acting like he's fine. He hanging out with friends, playing videos games and taking it really well. The times we broke up in person he'd be crying so hard begging for me to stay. He told me he's fine because he's been through a bad breakup before but it was with someone he didn't love...but shouldn't it hurt all the same whether you've been through it before or not? he told me he loved me this whole relationship. I know he did, I could tell by the way he acted and looked at me. But now he's okay because he's moving any way and he has no choice so he seems like he got over me in the snap of a finger. I went to a movie with one of my guy friends and my ex texts me asking who Im with at the movies over and over again. So is this just an act? Is he pretending like he's okay to hurt me? Im in so much pain and all he has to say to me is you'll be okay it'll get easier you'll find someone again as if it's already gotten better for him. Im all alone and I don't know what to do. I want to die! I feel like dying would be the only way out of this pain. I was so emotionally attached to him. He's the first person I've ever been attracted to physically and emotionally and im scared I'll never find someone like that again. That's what made me love him...I've been with other people and I never loved anyone but him. And now he's gone. And I feel like I lost a huge part of myself. If I ever find someone new im afraid it'll always be compared to him and im afraid ill never stop loving or thinking of him. I can't live like this, it doesn't feel like this is ever going to get any better

[celtic2746]

hi amanda sorry to hear how difficult you relationship has been ! youve got to ask yourself if the relationship is worth or even if. its saveable please dont blame yourself as it takes two to make a relationship work and from what youve already said it seems to be its you who is trying hard to make it work.! im sorry you might not want to hear it but if the.trust has gone pick.your self up and intime you will meet someone new but in the mean time get out and enjoy yourself ! p.s it sounds like your excisting b/friend is a momies boy ! please get on with your life and take care david x

[Rachms11]

Hi there, yep I ve been through that before. Message me if u need someone x I can help