I don't know what I have and I am afraid to find out. I have been feeling down for a while now and I feel so tired all the time. Even when I get a full night's sleep I am still exhausted. I have a lot of mood swings too, which is not helping anything, I have found that I am increasingly crying trying to get to sleep as, if I don't have pains in my back or legs, I have pains in my stomach. I recently got diagnosed with IBS, but if anything the drugs are making me feel worse. I have had the pains in my leg since I was in a car crash when I was younger but they only appear when I am stressed. I went to a physiotherapist and a multiple of doctors, but they all say there is nothing they can do about it. They are meant to help people and I feel like they are just telling me it is my own fault... I just want the pain to stop. I just want to get a good nights sleep. I have just started university in Scotland and I never felt so isolated, and that is saying a lot considering I have already moved around 16 times. I have a boyfriend nearby but he doesn't understand. He doesn't know how to help me and I am afraid that our relationship is making things much worse on my mental state. He says I can call him whenever I am upset, but if I did that every time I don't think I would ever be off the phone with him. I am scared that I am only with him because I am terrified of being alone, but then I know I love him, I just don't know in what way. During the summer holidays I decided to tell him about something that happened when I was younger. I don't know if it is child abuse or what... My cousin (who is only a year older than me) used to take me to a hidden place and feel my boobs. This was just after my mum and dad divorced so I liked it because I felt loved by someone. I didn't realise that it was sexual and I only really started thinking about it when I became a prefect I was given a lecture about child abuse. I was a pretty fucked up kid when I was younger... I used to have a compulsion to constantly steal money from people, I still get it sometimes but nowadays I stop myself. I used to steal a lot of money and I still feel really guilty about it. My mum was only trying to feed me and my sister, but I wanted money to spend on things for me and my sister. I have only recently told my boyfriend all of this, but I don't think he realises how much it means to me. He just pushed aside the issue with my cousin, saying it probably wasn't that big of a deal... Then why was I so afraid to tell him for months? Why have I never told my family about it? Why do I not want to see my cousin because of it? And why am I scared that he might have done more than that to other people? I just want him to be supporting. I want him to have my back. I feel so alone. I could keep going about my step father, my dad, my grandad.... But it all comes back to me feeling this heavy sadness I can't unshackle. Things aren't getting better and I am scared of what I might do if this continues. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to be dead, but I want to keep living, I want to keep fighting.
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