I've been reading through your stories and things that have been shared for a while but have decided I need to speak up and ask a couple of things. The encouragement that comes from just knowing there are people who have walked some of my path is wonderful - thank you.
I was in ICU in July 2012 for over 3 weeks and ventilated for half of that. I have recovered extremely well considering where I was - I am left with disabilities of both my legs, and horrible fatigue, but otherwise I am further and better than anyone dared hope. Just walking is wonderful, and I am really thankful for the days now.
But, there is this box of delusional memory, that I rarely venture near, and there are a few bits that I've shared with family/friends that we laugh about now, but mostly its in this box. I went to my ITU follow up 2 weeks ago and even talking about its existence had me in uncontrollable floods of tears for 2 days - waking up crying, not wanting to sleep because of the dreams again, losing a bit of control over whether I was thinking about the delusions or reality.
The nurses that run the clinic have encouraged me that to talk about it will help it melt away, and saying it out loud will help me see that it doesn't have to hold me. I'm going back in a couple of weeks, on my own this time, because I feel somehow I don't want to put anything more on my partner, as its all been bad enough for him already.
But... going anywhere near it makes me an emotional wreck. Even a tiny bit of talking about it, or thinking about it. If I get chunks written down or talked about would it not be potentially completely out of control, full on PTSD which I'm assuming I don't have at the moment because I am largely in control of when I think about it, or if it is triggered I can settle it down. I'm scared - willing to take the risk - but I want to know this is safe.
Does anyone have experience that might help? Thank you for reading this far, for your time, and care.