Author of “39 days”

[Figjam37]

I am a survivor of 39 days of intubation due to severe Covid infection in May of 2021. I wrote a book about the experience to explain the terror of intubation, hallucinations, dreams, and recovery. I am almost two years since my journey began and I am still struggling with the flashbacks and fears about what seemed to be so real. Would like to communicate with others in regard to their experience.

[Sepsur]

We speak about this problem frequently @ the remedy which seems to involve some sort of therapy whether CBT, EMDR or talking. Trauma memory feels ‘burnt into’ our psyche - the brain doesn’t file it correctly so it never properly goes into sequential memory - therapy can help us readjust our thinking

[Figjam37 in reply to Sepsur]

yes I am sure that therapy could be helpful however when a person can’t even work because of all the complications it is impossible to afford the help.

[Back_to_reality in reply to Figjam37]

Yes, we're mostly all in the same boat here, and have been through various stages of recovery. It was June 21 for me, so roughly the same timeframe. I also suffered from the flashbacks and still get the occasional one, but they're manageable now. There are a couple of situations that I know are lurking in my mind and will bite me at some point, but I think I'm reasonably confident that I will cope with them. I'm also pretty certain that there are a few things that I will never be able to fully explain.

I personally found therapy didn't help at all. Yes, I had some interesting conversations about psychology and how the mind works, but it became quickly apparent that even with all of the medical training in the world, you can't truly empathise with someone who has been through this without having done so yourself. Even then, it's not 100%, as each of our minds is different, as are our experiences with ICU delirium.

I found this forum to be helpful; just that feeling that you're not alone and others are battling through too is quite reassuring and can help build the confidence. But as I've said before on here, what worked best for me was to try and work through some of the situations I had found myself in. The first thing to realise is that fundamentally, the mind doesn't work properly when you're on these drugs. Next, rather than a sequence of thoughts, which happens when you are conscious or even when you are dreaming, you get disjointed thoughts with no real start or end, they jump in and out of each other and frequently make little or no sense, or are so disjointed from reality as to be terrifying. People ask me if it was like a nightmare. Kind of, but multiplied by a million, and rather than being a dream, they're a frightening alternate reality.

Some of the visions I had were clearly in a hospital, and having gone back to visit where I spent some of my time, I was able to confirm this. Others were way more abstract, but I've been able to piece many of them together: usually something pretty benign which my mind has morphed into something more abstract.

As I said, I do get the occasional flashback, including one I had when writing this (momentary freak-out) but it's OK. They are infrequent enough to not impede on my life too much and the moment passes quickly.

One other thing I've discovered: you really discover who your friends are. There are some people who did so much for my family when I was on my deathbed.

[Sepsur in reply to Figjam37]

Canada has free health care for its residents - does that not include some psychiatric help for things like PTSD? Even if you do have to wait for it (which I had to do because I certainly couldn’t afford private healthcare). It’s not ideal but it could be worse, you could be the other side of the border! The only currency most of us have to share here is our lived experience. I hope you find what help you are looking for.

[wullie-thomson]

Hi Figjam37 i was the same as you in with severe covid in September2021. I would like to read your book . I have some memories that still seem real to me as well to this day . I would also like to do a book but still have a numer of issues I still need to sort out with the NHS first . I had Delerium of a distressing nature marked down in my notes. I still remember everything I seen and can't get them out of my head. My face was all scarred because they had nobody to give me head turns the first 3 days so I was left face down with the tubes eating into my nose,face, lips and tongue. The scars remind me of it everyday which doesn't let me forget it. I find it really fascinating what I seen and I think I remember so much stuff that was real because I was undersedated for the first 3 or 4 days as the nurses were telling the Doctors in charge that I was biting down on tubes and grimacing and tears coming down my face when they were giving me medication and changing anything they were doing. I don't think these things will ever leave all of us and as Sepsur says its good to talk about it and get it out your system. I had started writing it down what I seen but have ended up with too many distractions still I need to sort out with the hospital I was in.

[Figjam37 in reply to wullie-thomson]

I am so sorry that you have also experienced the horror. My book is on Amazon under the title 39 days. It has been almost two years and I now realize that my flashbacks and memories of the PICS period will likely never be softened. I pray that we will all have better days ahead .

[FamilyHistorian]

I came out of hospital in March ‘20 straight into lockdown and had no support from the nhs. I had CBT, which I had to pay for. This enabled me to develop a whole range of strategies to deal with my experiences. I didn’t have empathy from the counsellor and that wasn’t wanted. I can remember every detail even now 3 years later but it doesn’t bother me any more. I treat it as living in an other reality. There are other consequences, apart from physical isssues I have no emotional filters, my brain doesn’t control my mouth, I have difficulty working out what are real memories and my sense of humour which was always wicked is now evil. If others don’t like it it’s not my problem it’s theirs.

I too have tried to write down my alternative reality but …