I was tested positive for COVID on 25th Jan this year and rushed to hospital by ambulance on 31st. I was intubated and put on a ventilator in an induced for 4 days followed by oxygen therapy. I had lines in each foot, each arm and my neck. I was intubated another twice, had to wear a hood, had fast flow oxygen and more. I was told on several occasions that I may die. I was terrified. I am now suffering from lots of after effects of COVID and I panic at every little feeling of illness. Although I am physically unwell it is the mental anguish I'm really struggling with and I keep breaking down because of the trauma and the fear. Does anybody out there have any advice or have you had the same experiences? Sorry I not sent this correctly, can you please help me to send it to the group? Many thanks
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KatVG
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I would also suggest to you that much of what you are going through isn’t significantly special to Covid. Many critical care patients experience what you are going through. Breathlessness, fatigue & an inability to control strong emotions. Many people suffer PTSD ( not everyone) after ICU which needs special medical treatment like EDMR or CBT. Many talking therapies aren’t adequate because a trauma memory isn’t stored correctly in the brain. It doesn’t go through the normal brain process and ‘get put to bed’ - it sort of lies awake - so every time you think or talk about it - all it does is re traumatises you - that’s why you need specialist help.
A traumatic event is an emotional shock. It is not easy to take in what has happened and to come to terms with it. After a trauma, it is quite normal to experience all kinds of unpleasant feelings, emotions and body sensations. These may take some time to die down. In the meantime, memories and images of the trauma, and thoughts about it, come into your mind even if you try to shut them out. These experiences may be confusing and even frightening. You may wonder if you will ever get over the trauma, if you are losing control of yourself, or even if you are going mad. These worries are entirely understandable. However you will discover from this handout that the thoughts, feelings and sensations you are experiencing are a normal reaction to stress, and show that your body and your mind are working to come to terms with the traumatic event.
Each person reacts to trauma in his or her own way. Nonetheless, there are common reactions which many people share. This handout describes some of these common reactions. You may find that you have experienced, or are experiencing many of them. Read the handout carefully and see which parts apply particularly to you. The handout is yours to keep, so feel free to underline particular passages or make notes in the margin. You will have an opportunity to discuss your reactions to the handout with your therapist when you next meet.
1.Fear and Anxiety
The most immediate and striking reactions people experience after a trauma are fear and anxiety. Sometimes these feelings occur as a result of being reminded of the trauma; at other times they seem to come “out of the blue”. Fear and anxiety can be understood as reactions to having been in a dangerous, life-threatening situation. A trauma often leads to changes in people’s views of the world and their sense of safety. After experiencing trauma, it takes a while to feel secure again. You may feel that life is full of risks, and that you can never be sure when disaster will strike.
This heightened sense of danger may be partly because the trauma has made you more aware of real risks. It may also be because fear has led you to overestimate and exaggerate how dangerous life is. Let us take the trauma of a road traffic accident as an example. Although you knew road traffic accidents happen, you may never really have believed that one would happen to you. After a crash, it is as if an accident is waiting to happen at every roundabout and junction, and around every corner. Even as a passenger, you cannot afford to take your eyes off the road for an instant. In actual fact, an accident is no more likely than it was before. But in your mind it seems extremely likely that history will repeat itself. Naturally enough, these changes in how you see things lead to heightened fear and anxiety.
Typically, after a trauma, fear and anxiety are experienced in two main ways:
a) Continuing to re-experience memories of the trauma (you will find more detail about this in section 2 below);
b) Feeling physically on the alert, hyped up and jumpy (you will find more detail about this in section 3 below).
Sometimes particular triggers or cues may remind you of the trauma. When this happens, you will automatically respond with fear. Some triggers are obvious and closely resemble the original traumatic event (for example, returning to the site of a road traffic accident). Others, however, may in themselves seem quite trivial and bear only a distant or vague resemblance to the trauma (for example, a flash of a particular colour, a certain smell, a change in the light, a shift in temperature, or a tone of voice). Subtle triggers like this are often more difficult to spot. Once you have identified them, your automatic fear reaction will make better sense.
Because fear and anxiety are distressing, people often attempt to reduce them by trying to avoid places, people and other reminders of the trauma or by distracting themselves from upsetting memories and thoughts. These strategies may well help you to feel better in the short term, but in the longer term they will actually slow down recovery and keep the problem going. This point is explained in more detail in section 4 below.
2.Re-experiencing
People who have undergone a traumatic event often re-experience the trauma. You may find that you are having “flashbacks” when visual images of what happened suddenly pop into your mind. Sometimes flashbacks can be so vivid that you may feel as if the trauma is actually happening all over again. You may also find that you are re-experiencing the trauma through nightmares. Or you may re-experience the trauma emotionally, or in your thoughts, without having a flashback or nightmare. These experiences are intrusive – they happen whether you want them or not, and you may well come to feel that you have no control over what you are feeling, thinking and experiencing, day or night. Trying to push flashbacks and memories out of your mind will not stop them from coming back, and may in fact make them all the more persistent. Your therapist will help you to find other ways of dealing with them.
3.Physical Arousal
Another common reaction to trauma is physical arousal, feeling jittery or agitated, overly alert, trembling, being easily startled and having trouble sleeping. You may have trouble getting to sleep, or you may wake repeatedly during the night, or sleep restlessly, or have troubled dreams. Feeling tense and jumpy all the time may lead to feelings of irritability, especially if you are not getting enough sleep. You may find yourself snapping at people close to you, or losing your temper for trivial reasons.
Symptoms of arousal are a result of fear. Animals, including humans, have several ways of reacting to being startled, attacked, threatened or in danger. One reaction is to freeze. You may have noticed that, when approached by a dog, a cat will crouch down and keep very still when it is afraid. A second possible reaction is to run away or flee. A third reaction is to fight. Fleeing and fighting both require a burst of adrenaline, a hormone released by a gland near your kidneys. Adrenaline mobilizes your body and helps you to respond adequately to genuine danger.
After a very frightening trauma, your body may stay constantly on the alert, prepared for instant action, even though this is no longer necessary. The trauma has forced you to realise that there is danger in the world, and you are all set to deal with it. It is as if your body has failed to realise that the danger is past. It continues to react as if you were still under threat and might need at any moment to fight, flee or freeze. This is why you may feel constantly keyed up, tense and irritable.
4.Avoidance
You may find that you are physically avoiding thinking about things that remind you of the trauma. Or you may be blocking off or avoiding the feelings that are triggered by reminders. Avoidance is a strategy to protect yourself from things that you feel have become dangerous, and thoughts and feelings that seem overwhelmingly distressing. Sometime the desire to avoid memories and feelings about the trauma may be so intense that you find you have forgotten important aspects of what happened. Or you may find yourself “blanking out” or “switching off” when reminders of what happened occur. Emotional numbness (the loss of the ability to feel anything very much, including affection and pleasure), is another common way of trying to cope with painful feelings and thoughts about the trauma. It may include feeling alienated from people you care about. Because they have not experienced what you have, it is as if they cannot possibly understand what you are going through.
As we have already said, avoidance is often a good way of reducing distress in the short-term. When it is successful, it reduces distressing feelings. But it is not always the best longer-term strategy for getting over the trauma. Firstly, it is difficult to avoid one’s own thoughts and feelings successfully. They keep coming back, and indeed trying to avoid them actually makes them more frequent and persistent and increases the sense of being out of control. Secondly, avoidance is usually a result of predictions that if you face what you fear, disaster will occur. Your feelings will over whelm you, or you will be attacked again. It makes perfect sense to avoid things that you believe will harm you. But it stops you from discovering that your fears may be exaggerated, and that the world is not as dangerous as it seems. As a result, your life may become more and more restricted.
5.Feeling Low
Another common reaction to trauma is sadness, or feeling down or depressed. You may have feelings of hopelessness and despair; frequent crying spells, and sometimes even thoughts of hurting yourself and suicide. Loss of interest in people and activities you used to enjoy often follows trauma. Nothing may seem much fun to you any more. You may also feel that life is no longer worth living, and that plans you had made for the future no longer seem important or meaningful.
6.Difficulty concentrating
You may also find that you have trouble concentrating. This is another common experience after a trauma. It is frustrating and upsetting to be unable to concentrate, pay attention to, or remember what is going on around you. This experience too may lead to a feeling that you are not in control of your mind or that you are going crazy. It is important to remember that these reactions are temporary. They are a result of intrusive and distressing feelings and memories about the trauma. In an attempt to make sense of what happened to you, your mind is constantly going over the trauma, bringing it back up, chewing it over, and trying to digest it. Naturally this means that you have less mental space available to concentrate on other things.
7.Loss of Control
During the trauma your life, and the lives of those you care about, may have been threatened. You may well have felt that there was absolutely nothing you could do to prevent the worst from happening. You may have felt that you had no control over your feelings, your body, your physical safety, or your life. Sometimes the feelings of loss of control may be so intense that you may feel as if you are “going crazy” or “losing it”.
8.Guilt and shame
Feelings of guilt or shame may be present. These may be related to something you did, or did not do, in order to survive. In the weeks and months following a trauma, it is common to go over and over what happened in your mind, and blame yourself for what you did or did not do – steps you might have taken to prevent the trauma from occurring, or different ways you might have reacted. It is as if you are trying to put things right in your mind after the event – if only you had done such and such, or if only you had not done something else, it would all have been different. You may also blame yourself for not having been able to put the trauma behind you and get back to normal. Perhaps you see this as a sign of weakness or inadequacy in you, rather than understanding your symptoms as a normal, human reaction to intolerable stress. Furthermore, blame sometimes comes from family and friends because often people wrongly place responsibility on those who have been hurt or victimised, rather then on those who have done the hurting. Equally, others may not understand the nature of post-traumatic stress, and give you the message that you should be pulling yourself together and getting on with life. Self-blaming thoughts are a real problem, because they can lead to feeling helpless, depressed and bad about yourself.
9.Anger
Anger is also a common reaction to trauma. The anger is often directed at the person responsible for causing you physical injury, abusing you, or disrupting your life. But feelings of anger may also be stirred up by the presence of people or circumstances that remind you of the trauma, even if they had nothing to do with it.
Sometimes you may feel so angry that you want to hit someone or swear. If you are not used to feeling angry these feelings may feel foreign to you. You may not recognise them, or know how to deal with them. Some people direct the anger towards themselves for something they did or did not do before, during or after the trauma. Anger directed inwards might intensify self-blame, guilt, helplessness and depression.
Many people also find they are experiencing anger towards those they love most: family, friends, their partners, and their children. Sometimes you may lose your temper with the people who are most dear to you. This may be confusing: why are you so angry with those you care about most? Being close to others may feel good. But it can also lead to feelings of dependency, vulnerability and helplessness. Having those feelings may make you feel angry and irritable because they remind you of the trauma.
10.Self Image
Your self-image can also suffer as a result of a trauma. You may tell yourself “ I am a bad person, and bad things happen to me”, or “if I had not been so weak and stupid, this would not have happened”. Or you may be hard on yourself for not coping better with what has happened – why can you not just put it behind you and get on with living? Both the trauma itself and the feelings you experience afterwards can be a source of self-criticism and self-doubt.
11.Negative thoughts
You may also develop negative thinking about other people and about life in general. The world, previously seen as safe and rewarding, may suddenly seem a very dangerous place. You may feel for the first time that you cannot trust anyone. People often say that the trauma has changed them completely. They say, for example “before the trauma I was not afraid of anything. I could cope with any kind of stress, no matter how difficult the situation was, and I could get along with others. And now I am afraid of my own shadow, and I cannot cope with even trivial problems”.
On the other hand, people who have had previous bad experiences and negative beliefs about themselves, the world and other people, the trauma may confirm pre-existing ideas such as “the world is a dangerous place” and “no one can be trusted”. Some people feel the trauma was “the last straw”. It seems to them to prove things they always “knew”, for example that they cannot trust themselves, or that they are the sort of people who cannot handle even the slightest difficulty.
12.Reminders of the past
Finally, the trauma may remind you of similar experiences in the past. You may suddenly recall incidents that previously you had forgotten, and which may be as disturbing to you as the memory pf your recent trauma. The reminders may be physical aspects of the trauma (for example, a cold sensation in your body, or a man’s angry voice). Or it may be that you are reminded of other experiences that have a meaning similar to the trauma, for example other times when you saw yourself as vulnerable or helpless, or believed your life to be at risk. As we said in section 1, the triggers for past memories may be very subtle and fragmentary, and so difficult to identify and make sense of.
Memories of past experiences may be stirred up to such an extent that it becomes difficult for you to think of any experiences or situations in the past that were not negative. It may even become very difficult to believe that you will ever feel happy again, or get back to normal, or enjoy life. But you will. It is possible to put these painful experiences behind you.
Conclusion
In this handout you have read about common reactions to trauma and will have had an opportunity to identify those that fit with how you have been feeling. The main message of the handout is this: the feelings, thoughts and body sensations you have been experiencing are entirely normal. They are a natural, human reaction to extreme stress. This is why the problems you are experiencing are called “post traumatic stress disorder”. They are a sign that you have, at this point, not been able to come to terms with what happened to you. It is as if the trauma continues to happen over and over again in the here and now. Through therapy you will come to understand how this happens, and you will learn ways of dealing with your upsetting thoughts and feelings, by gaining new perspectives on the trauma. This will help you to take the heat out of your memories and to put the trauma in the past, where is belongs.
What you are feeling is not unusual for anyone who has been in icu for what ever reasons. There are various therapies which you can use. I used CBT which worked for me but also you can try writing your memories down, talking to other people about them. Some people won’t believe you that’s their problem
hi Kat. I was in ICU with covid last April and share all the post covid symptoms you are now experiencing. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I am no medic , but what you describe sounds similar to my own experience. Sepsur's outline of the characteristics of PTSD ai very right. Re support, I would recommend you join a support group. I run a Zoom based support group who meet fortnightly. Next meet is wed 17th March at 7pm. Equally ICU Steps Chester runs an excellent group and you can find their details on their website. If you want more info on the group I run, pls send me your email by DM and i can send you all the details.
There is too much to cover in one message, but here are some headlines.
I have found the most effective way to deal with these thoughts was to to psychological support, which I accessed via my ICU outreach team and consultant. I tried going to GP's, but all they did was send me a link to which I could self-refer and wait/hope to get support. I also tried to get referred to the long covid clinic. My GP told me that he wouldn't refer me as the waiting list was too long! I think the summary is that all GP's are localised and support is either very new, or absent and that if you have a good GP, hang onto them!
Hi kat. So this platform has a message function. Click on my photo. Once you do that you will see a button called ‘message’. Put your email inbthere and send it to me. The message function just means that not everyone on the forum can see either of our email addresses.
Hi , I have just read your post and the replies to it and I can totally empathise with you Kat , and have found this post with the replies very helpful myself to me . I , too, have been on ICU but not for COVID and all what you’re experiencing , the physical and the emotional , are indicative of just being in ICU . Reading all of this has actually made me cry as it totally validates what I’ve been going through . It is post -ICU and relates to ANY condition that lands you there ! What I’ve found hard also , and my consultant also explained this to me , is the fact that my illness came at the very start of the COVID pandemic and the first lockdown , and yet I didn’t have COVID , therefore , you know , the hospitals weren’t allowing visitors and I saw first hand how all the nurses were managing , and how the hospital routines had to change , and in turn , very hard for me was the fact that family did not understand the enormity of my condition . I know that sounds bizarre as I had multi organ failure , but they were in denial !
Thus , everything in these replies makes absolute sense to me , and is actually a welcome revelation . I hope that you too , Kat have found these replies helpful and can draw a sense of hope and understanding in your post ICU struggles etc .
Thank you. It's good to know that my post has helped you. Yours has validated the way I feel. Being in an ICU that was short staffed and with no visits allowed was very isolating. Luckily the doctors and nurses kept my family up to date otherwise I don't think anybody understands the situation unless they see for themselves x
Hello KatVG my name is Julie Brough I know what it’s like to have covid19 because in December 2019 I was taken really ill and I’m also gran mal epileptic the day before I was rushed to A&E I’d Gone to my doctors because I’m also asthmatic and my doctor told me that I’d got an chest infection and lung infection he gave me strong antibiotics and steroids but 24 hrs later I could not talk breathe properly or walk my husband phoned 999 for an ambulance they were giving me nebulisers adrenaline but nothing was working covid19 came to the U.K. in November 2019 the paramedics rushed me to A&E with the lights going and the sirens and phoned through to resus by the time I’d got there a doctor and nurses plus the x-ray team were waiting for me the X-ray was done the doctor took a look and phoned ICU for a bed and I’d got covid19 pneumonia stage 4 I was on a ventilator for 2& a half weeks and when I was completely awake I was told I’d gone into back to back fits 7 all together and I’d gone into cardiac arrest and died they had to resuscitate me my critical care supporter told me that my body would change and it definitely as because in 15 months I’ve gone from 17 and a half stone to 13st 6lb my lungs are badly damaged and scared i will never be the same as I used to it’s left me very weak I have to use a walking stick now and I’m only 47 thankfully I’ve had my first dose of the vaccine and my 2nd dose May 19th
I'm sorry to hear what a struggle you've had and I'm glad you're recovering. It's a terrible illness, I don't think some people understand how bad it can be. Thank you for your reply, at least I know I'm not alone x
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