Feeling numb

[Aug69_]

I have been positive for about 16 years and have kept it hidden for so long I find myself feeling numb most of the time. A lot of people think I am emotionally dead as I can't cry and just go quiet. I feel that it because I am always trying to hide and just pretend everything is good with me so people don't look to close and see my status. I can't be the only one who tries to fake everything is okay all the time can I ?

[Andilek1981]

Thank you for sharing .. How are you ??

[Zach25]

I am sure you are not. But having someone who is close to you and none judgmental to talk to about it especially one who demonstrates that they care and is there for you does help a lot with your overall wel-being.

[Ghawd_inc]

It's a constant thought in my head as well. Somehow I have excepted my status and it doesn't control my everyday life. I told my Mother and 5 brothers and sisters who all are very sipporting. My brother told my mother it doesn't matter how I got. I was once married and my wife didn't not leave once she knew. She has left since because it did take a toll on her emotionally. I don't blame her. She stayed 3 years after I found out. Her leaving me was a lot harder to take than being positive. You need support and some people you can talk to. A therapist, family friends. Someone who can just listen to you. It works miracles. I wish you the best of luck.

[Chrissuffolk]

You definitely aren't alone with that. I think we all try to put a brave face on. I can certainly confess to feeling numb sometimes and apathetic to others...

[Aug69_ in reply to Chrissuffolk]

I suppose I only feel I can rely on myself and if I give in to feeling something I will just breakdown. If I don't work or pay my bills no one else will. Just need to keep strong and keep fighting, just not sure sometimes what I am fighting for.

[Chrissuffolk in reply to Aug69_]

I know how you feel there. I didn't really want to take my meds, I felt I had to for those around me. I've been Poz 5 years. I can't say as I was an angel but I certainly didn't put it about lol. I think I'm mostly ok with it most of the time but I honestly don't feel others understand... I do sometimes feel a darker Poz side to me creeping in that I think I need to be careful with.

[Aug69_ in reply to Chrissuffolk]

I know what you mean sometimes I feel like what is the point. I should just stop taking my medication. But I saw what happened to my ex when he didn't take his meds and got full blown AIDS. Was horrible slow and painful death. Still get nightmare about it now even though he has been dead for over 7 years. Don't think anyone deserves this awful illness. Get so upset of having to hide it all the time. Would love to do something Good with my life and help others. Don't want this to be it

[Chrissuffolk in reply to Aug69_]

Totally get you. Chin up buddy spring is coming! My consultant did warn me what would happen if I stopped my meds that it wouldn't be nice... I'd like some positive buddies to have a few beers with who understand

[Aug69_ in reply to Chrissuffolk]

I wish I did don't have anyone who is positive who I can hang out with. Sounds like you have a good network of friends

[Chrissuffolk in reply to Aug69_]

I could do with some positive friends...