Hi, I'm new here.

[codyodie]

I'm new to this community, but not new to HIV. I was diagnosed in 1988 after a bout with pneumonia. At that time, I had a diagnosis of maybe 2 yrs to live.

It will be 28 yrs this June that I have survived. I'm proud to tell people I'm a long-term survivor.

But, it has not been an enjoyable ride. Upon my diagnosis, I went home, and prepared myself to die, having only 2yrs.

Needless to say, I'm still here.

Frail bones and back, 2 hip surgeries and one (so far) hip replacement, one shoulder replacement. But, Docs tell me I'm doing well. Undetectable since 2007, cd4 above 700. Now my other hip is going.

The earlier rounds of HIV meds tore my body down to almost nothing. In 2011, I was depressed, not well, and weighed a mere 112 lbs. I got back together with my ex after a year split up, who I still adored. Life seemed grand !!

2 1/2 years later, in late 2013, he overdosed and dies. No note or letter, no life insurance, I lost my home, but I'm a fighter.

This was the closest I have ever came to ending my life. My heart hurts every day.

Even though I have a good guy again, I can't help but feel that I cannot love him like I did for my love who died.

I am gracious for the new HIV cocktails, but sometimes I feel that I am just living to take drugs.

[poorly08]

Wao, you got me welling up on reading your story. Not because i pitied you but because i intuitively perceive you as a tower of strenght. Almost 30 years and still hanging to life; you are strong beyond measure. No matter how frail you are now, the fact is you are still here and if the cocktail of ART gives you more decades, please embrace it as a rare gift. Enjoy the love you have now and focus less on the pains of the past. Keep strong my friend in battle.

[jackbourne]

My first reply to one of these posts and really because I can empathise so much with what you've said. I too was diagnosed after a bout of PCP, just a few years after you. People have forgotten how those early meds really tore you apart. Even now the effects of those early drugs are still felt; Ive been told that the painful neuropathys I've developed over the last 18months are probably due to the AZT that I was on for such a long time. The newly diagnosed are in a much better position now thankfully.

The one point in your message that really struck home though was the death of your partner as I too lost the love of my life to suicide and that has been the hardest thig ever to come to terms with. I know all the questions you've asked yourself, the blame you've probably attached to yourself and the feeling of sheer emptiness that you would have experienced as a result. I was so intensely glad to read that you have found another person to share your life with and I hope that one day you can learn to love him in the same was as the one you lost. The worst thing about coping with a suicide is always to try to relearn how to trust the people you love when you feel that you'll never be able to rely on anyone again. I hope you make it my friend, with all my heart.

[codyodie in reply to jackbourne]

Thank you for the heartfelt reply. I agree with you. The hardest part is letting myself open to trusting again. I can't explain what or why, but trying to love now feels way different than before. I love my new guy very much, but it's still not the same.