I suffered from PTA when I had my accident and have no memory at all of the week in hospital , the accident. Small amount of memory from the first several months and now four years past accident I still have short term memory problems .. this is being looked at by a neuropsychologist …from yhe beginning I fell like I had died and woken up in an other body . This still feels the same but I had fought for 3 years to try and get the old me back .. I now know that this isn’t possible and have realised I was in denial of what had happened to me .. this was hell to except but it is sinking in and meditation headspace app is helping .. .. but the reality of the emotionally being dead is the biggest part of me ..
what’s the point in living , I have no purpose here, no forward planning, no hope to achieve, when your dead people just get on with their lives , you become a distant memory or just forget about , people don’t want you with them , you truly are an object .. all of me is bot even remember and I’m still alive to correct them( god I hate how even this isn’t remembered) oh god the list just goes on but I’m not sad .. I’m emotionless most of the time .. is this something that others feel 🤔🤔🤔 I know it’s been there all the way through but know I can’t find another way or hope…. Sue
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Teazymaid
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It's a distant memory now, but I remember once being a 13 year old boy, the typical boisterous young boy playing with his mates and riding his bike up and down the street. But that all changed rapidly one day when I had a stroke. It was a long period of recovery, and although I tried to keep up with my mates and fit in, I always struggled.
So life changed dramatically for me, but not simply for the reason of having a brain injury. Over the many years since, many friends, and ALL of my family are no longer in my circle. It's been a huge amount of growth and learning what works best for me.
There is SO much to life, many hobbies to try, places to explore, people to meet. Don't feel tied-down to your old self, because there are always changes in life whether we want it to be like that or not.
Recently, for the first time in my life I found myself praying to God and Jesus Christ. I bought a easy-to-read version of the Holy Bible and began a relationship with them. I keep in touch everyday, and get much needed wisdom and direction in life. I think people dismiss them too easily based on what they heard or poor experiences, but they've brought hugely beneficial changes into my life, and I feel like a new person.
Thank you James it’s so nice to hear you have found strength from religion .. I to believe it is lost nowadays .. including myself .. as I think it was there to help find the pathway thought life even if you don’t necessarily believe all of what is preached I do believe in the Christian values ..
It’s the emotional emptiness and the feeling that I did die ( i know I didn’t) I then just went into fight mode and that failed as I didn’t return to the old me .
Now I’m not in denial but still empty.. even the anger is slowly getting better .
After writing this post I think I answered it myself as I think it’s just the pathway and possibly the emotions will return in time . sue 🙂
I would still recommend prayer as I think it is highly under-rated. There are things that you can see and don't see, just like are there are emotions and the pathway hidden from you now.
I was reading a verse in the Bible this morning about Jesus appearing and disappearing to His disciples after His crucifixion. Even after all the miracles they had seen during their time traveling with Him, some of them still doubted. It's not about having rock-solid proof there in every moment for all to see, it's about having Faith.
Doctors might need rock-solid evidence of your condition, but we believe your experience of how you have been affected.
Hi Sue, I know the feelings you talk about, the black dog that nips at our heels, we can't see the way, or feel hope. But then we don't know what tomorrow will bring, we don't see how we impact on others even if we never meet them. People talk about "sliding doors" or the "butterfly effect", the what ifs. Lives are better because of you, there is hope where there was none because of you, you are valuable x
oh bless you .. thank you for you kind words .. I was very lost this morning .. just writing on here was a step I. The right direction as I felt like I understood me more after I had written and some kind people who do understand helped me keep going in the right direction .. I will definitely thank god for this forum Sue ❤️
What you describe is something I do the rounds with time to time. I am 15 or 16? Something like that...whatever.
When I was , say in the 3 to 5 ish mark , they were difficult days. I feel because at that point you are healing and with that becomes more awareness - which is actually a sign of healing - but then we have the impact of being more aware and/or having just a sliver more breathing room. The years went by and in a sense we weren't keeping up with the processing.
It does get better. It helps, perhaps, to realize there are a lot if ways to find purpose and some simple ways to pass time we actually enjoy...as hard as that may be to be able to see or appreciate sometimes.
It's good to see a doc and get some ideas and perhaps some therapy if they can swing it.
As time goes on you will know yourself best, though. And maybe knowing helps.
Like my neuropsychayrist said it wasn't that I had memory issues, or was that I was so distracted or unable to focus in the first place - especially when tired - that the memories didn't get a chance to be stored in the first place. So now I know , especially when tired, I won't remember things , I do have to write things down., and I do need to rest a lot.
It also happens when the barometric changes a lot - ie the weather changes. Or the temperature changes a lot. Or I am somewhere where ther e is too much stimulation, etc.
No small wonder we get exhausted. It's a lot.
And yet it is still possible to enjoy small things, and as time goes by some things can and will get better.
Some people do benefit from antidepressants though personally my wiring has changed so much some medications just do not work as advertised. I understand this is also a thing for some of us, and we are often more sensitive so a little will do.
A good doc and a good pharmacist can help a lot with sorting it out.
I have also listened to a lot of youtube videos by Ajhan Brahm who is a Buddhist monk who lives in Australia - he and people give talks that are secular, in response to people.who have written in with questions.
He has a very calming voice and some grandad type stories. And it is not religious. Just a point of view. He does teach a meditation technique if you are interested though it is not pushed at all.
He is a theoretical physicist so a science guy. His goal is to be mindful and kind and spread that around.
Anyway if interested it 's western Australian Buddhist association.
They put a talk up on YouTube every Friday so there are years worth up and all free.
When things get tough sometime just being in the presence of gentleness and kindness migjtht help, especially in the hours when you may not feel you can reach out to others.
I also wonder if you have enough social contact? The Red Cross has a friendly callers program where someone will call once a week or 2 weeks or whatever, and just chat for 1/2 hour or an hour. I am in Canada so your 'Friendly Caller' may be in a different agency.
It can help to just have a friendly chat now and then.
I don't know if knowing this is a common thing helps you at all.
Do bring it up with the neuropsychiayrist as well and see what the two of you can come up with.
Simple things can make a difference, even if they don't seem like they will.
Sometimes at the darkest times you just need to remember there is a light coming...it exists somewhere and you can find it, even if it takes time.
And we are here, too.
Giant virtual hug to you lovely. You matter. I have confidence in you.
thank you leaf … I agree with everything you have said .. it is trial and error on most things .. the bit I’m struggling with is the actual point of life .. this never entered my head before .. i feel like I died and woke up in a new body ..( I do know this isn’t true ) it’s an emotional dead space .. that hasn’t changed .. I’m guessing it’s just a process and wonder if others had felt the same also .. Sue 🤔
I was just scrolling through emails when I saw you’d put up a post.
When I first joined this forum I had no idea what to expect, I’d never been in a forum before. I was lost, scared, in pain, I knew something had happened to me but nobody understood, listened or believed me. Every day was a fight, I felt alone and wished I’d not survived the accident.
When I posted what struck me straight away was that the people who replied understood me. It was the first time since the accident people believed what I was saying, knew what I was describing and couldn’t relate to me as they had similar experiences. YOU were one of those who replied and continued to reply to my cries for help.
You along with a few others continued to be there for me - even when I was so low I wouldn’t even look at the forum for weeks. If it wasn’t for you and this forum I’d have given up. You guys believed me and pulled me through when everyone else, and especially my husband, treated my ramblings as nonsense and either ignored me or was unkind.
THANK YOU. 🙏 💙
We’ve all just had to survive a difficult time of year. Bright lights, noise, lots of stuff happening continuously and driving us crazy. Others don’t “get it”. Don’t understand that our heads can’t cope with “all the extra everything”. I have had three “Melt downs” this month - the last one being just yesterday. I’m still tired, my head still feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice - my husband is still sat ignoring me. BUT YOU GUYS ARE THERE.
Sue what I’m trying to say is that whatever you are feeling right now will go away. I know because you guys told me so when I was very low and you were right. We do somehow drag ourselves through it.
You are one of my Guardian Stars. Let me be yours too.
Rise above the pressure and @£$¥ in your head. You can do it. You’ve done it for three years, you’ve helped me do it.
Oh wow .. I didn’t expect a reply like this .. you’ve blown me away .. thank you so so much .. I has been this forum that has helped me the most .. I couldn’t write anything for a very long time me but reading other post gave me the courage to talk .. and to people who actually understand ..
though my life I have always tried to make good about of a bad situation as this made the problem worth having if you could change it to some good 😊 .. I never really thought about helping others on here . I always thought others were helping me .. dosnt help with short term memory being crap 🥴 as I have read my reply’s later on and thought I agree with this reply and find out when I see Sue able the end that I had written it 😂 I do try to laugh at myself as much as possible ..🥰
You are right it is an exhausting time of the year and yes I’m exhausted mentally and physically .. had banging headaches for a few weeks .. I’m good at giving advice just crap at seeing the problems in myself …
Once agin thank you for what you have written it actually means the world to me .. maybe my I am turning a negative into a positive and I didn’t even know I was .. Sue ❤️
I’m glad my words helped you DSue, they’re all true. That’s what this forum is about and it works.
We’ve just tonight and tomorrow and then it’s back to routine. Like you I have short term memory issues so everything i like now is routine …or I try it to be 🙄🥴
It’s Thursday and I’ve just seen everyone off. It’s so quiet. Blissful. 😌❤️
The only downside being that when it’s silent I’m more conscious of the noises going on in my head. Always there but I manage to ignore them at times and especially when there’s other noise around me.
I don’t know about you guys , but I feel a bit of a fraud. I always loved Christmas and New year, coming from a large family it was always a hectic crazy time with everyone. Now I wish it far away, but have to not appear like I’m not enjoying it. I don’t want to upset others.
Now that’s just me and the dogs here I’ve the tidying up, washing and putting everything back to normal but I just can’t face it. I’m too tired. I just feel like sleeping for days but couldn’t fall asleep at all last night. My brain just won’t stop and the back of my head hurts. 🤯 🤕
I’m going to try and be good today and ignore everything ). Seems I fed the dogs yesterday morning but I have no memory of this at all. Not unusual I’m always being told of things I’ve done or said which to me never happened. Sorry if I’m warbling, just tired.
Anyway, hopefully your lives are “less” now as well.
I think when you question what is the point of life then that is a huge step forward towards becoming the new version of you. You have moved on from the treadmill of just doing what you think you should.
It’s a question that has been asked by very great philosophers throughout history and there is not one, but several attempts to answer it. I am just beginning to try and understand some of them As I am now retired and have time I have decided to try and understand some of the ancient and great thinkers. It’s a mental challenge but I can rest and take my time!
How to live a meaningful life in a meaningless Universe ? Some believe that we define our meaning by our actions; that our actions give us our meaning.
Some believe that by trying to impose meaning on a meaningless world is absurd. But if we embrace the meaningless then we can embrace the absurdity and therefore give our life value.
Then there is religion so you can take your pick if that works for you. So whilst I do not follow a single doctrine I do feel that we are all here by a miracle and the fact that our particular bundle of chemicals and energy exchange has developed a consciousness and awareness of our place in the Universe means something.
I Personally don’t believe it means we are here to achieve any one thing in particular. Apart from maybe to be kind and become aware of your part in the universe is to feel very small indeed.
It’s probably why I feel drawn more towards the Buddhist philosophy. As I understand it there are three phases we go through of various duration for each of us: consciousness, nihility and emptiness. We all live in the first part for most of the time but eventually we all realise the inevitable end and realise the meaninglessness. It sounds like you are at that point now. Nihilistic and questioning ?
But we must push through this to reach the understanding: Emptiness surrounds the other two. It allows us to understand the true self, how nihility is just as grounded in emptiness as consciousness, and the interrelation of all beings. In a way the emptiness in my mind is the universal energy field that we are all part of and will return to. For a brief flash of time we are aware that we are here and then we are returned to the vast energy field from which all the matter in the universe comes from.
What we do with our brief flash of time is up to us. I am going to just try and appreciate it for what it is.
If you really are interested in reaching an understanding then I would encourage you to try and listen to or read or watch many spiritual leaders and philosophers and make it a hobby to try and find some that resonate with you. If nothing else you will learn a lot and you never know you might find an answer
oh wow .. all of this sounds confusing and interesting .. I’m going to read this a few times to get a better understanding of what you have written and it’s a mass of new words and thoughts that I don’t understand at all .. I will come back to you when I’ve got this in my head .. plenty of notes and quite time will help .. thank you Sue 😊
Hi Teazymaid, I think I'm very lucky because I have a v mild TBI compared to most people here. But I lost my memory of my fall and the journey to hospital and my first hours there. My subconscious remembers it but I don't.
I also felt that I had died and returned to life. A very strange feeling. Not that I'd woken in a new body, but I absolutely get that you could feel like that. I know depression could strike any time, especially if I don't improve.
Last night I couldn't find the pizza I thought I'd got out for my son - The oven was on but empty. I hunted everywhere with that awful feeling of being lost and crazy - hours later my husband came across it in the mocrowave. It's dispiriting.
You are v brave to have fought for 3 years. Living in the moment is such a switch to have to try to make.
thank you .. it’s so difficult to live with a brain that feels different in so many ways .. I’ve just had words with my husband who actually has no idea ( lucky him ) and if someone thinks it’s like being menopausal or just getting older it’s not ! I can relate to my 90 year old mums brain speed with very little emotion, taste , smell , alternating sight .. yes the list is endless .. thank god for this place and think my new year will be just talking on here and forget trying to educate people close to me how I actually feel as they have no idea at all sue 🥴
Yes it's how I have felt and try to manage every day. Lucky to have connected to other people in similar situation. I don't have to explain symptoms to them. Am on low dose of tablets to help mood/anxiety which takes away bottom tearful end. Didn't want to use them but think of them as helping some of chemicals balance. Try and see your doctor even if it feels like a long waiting list. Take your comments above with you to show how you are feeling.
Can you do things differently to help? Instead of meeting lots of friends in pub I now do just a couple or go for daytime coffee. If your mobility and balance are ok could you consider doing "lite" versions/sessions of something you used to do on bigger scale.
thank you .. this is the place I’m with people who understand .. .. I am on meds which do help with the depression a little but these I was taking for years before my accident so I’m happy with them as they do help with your serotonin levels and very much an advocate for anti depressants as it’s a chemical imbalance just like a diabetic taking there meds no one questions that
I am waiting for a reply fromGPs as I’m exhausted fighting this many issues .. Sue x
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First post and not sure what to say
Traumatic Brain Injury
Persistent post concussion
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