I honestly feel stuck at the moment. I have not posted here in a very long time. A lot has happened since my last message. Just to summarise as best as I can. My now ex partner’s mental state deteriorated to a point where she had to be sectioned. Her hatred and resentment towards me had got to a point where she was expressing thoughts to kill me and this was all vocalised in front of the kids. I honestly tried to hold onto this relationship with the hope that things might settle and this phase was going to pass. The relationship had died a long time ago but upon reflection, I think I was really trying to resurrect something that has long ceased to exist. It took some processing to come to terms but eventually I did. When she went into hospital after being sectioned, the house felt so peaceful and relaxed. She would often antagonise me and our 13 year old daughter and would often refer to her as a bit…. Or she would tell her she wished she had aborted her.
Prior to being sectioned she had left the house saying she wanted to move out. She had no plans and no idea what she was going to do. This ended up with police and ambulance getting involved etc. Anyway, she has now been discharged back here because we have a joint mortgage. At the moment she cannot qualify for housing because she has a mortgage and she has savings. Regarding her mental state, she is very passive and I feel this is all down to the medication. This is how she was like before but the kids and I know that that bad and angry side is just laying dormant and will resurface. It is just a matter of time.
The problem I now have is that we are unable to live together in the same house. She does not engage or interact with anyone and all she does is lay on her bed all day. We do not talk except when she has an appointment that I have to take her to. I honestly cannot live like this. I honestly do not want to sound as though I am being mean but we have been through hell and her personality has become more and more challenging as we have continued down this journey. I have suggested that I move out but that means the kids would spend time here and some of the days with me. She has no interaction with the kids whatsoever so this is going to be challenging for the kids. Plus she has refused to help pay for the mortgage or the bills if I move out. Please note that she does have savings to cover this. I have suggested that she get a place of her own but she said she cannot. This is due to her being on the mortgage and also she refuses to use her savings. I have suggested assisted living but she declined this. I suggested we sell the house but my worry with this is that it will be hard for either of us to get back on the property ladder. Her functioning in terms of taking care of herself is not great. She is able to take care of her personal hygiene etc but she cannot cook for herself consistently or go into a shop and buy things.
I really do not know what to do here because I really do feel as though she knows she has me in a corner where I cannot leave and her needs are taken care of and she has no responsibility. Has anyone else been in this type of situation before ?
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Mykel1
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Hi Mykel I’m so sorry you are going through all of this and your children too, and your wife as well.
I am no expert at all- I have no experience of what you’re going through at all in any shape or form. My only advice is that it sounds like you need someone who can advise you specifically of all options, particularly with regard to your wife’s capabilities, her ability to function and make decisions for herself.
At first glance, the charity Mind has a few helplines that might be able to help or offer advice, particularly legal advice, as I’m sadly sure you won’t be alone in your challenges.
This sounds like a complicated and troubling situation, I think that you need to have a chat with with a solicitor familiar with family law as well as property law, also you may need to talk to your wife's care team and explain how untenable the situation is. You have to take care of yourself and that of your children. At this point you need to gather as much information to help make what is the most appropriate course of action.
Have you approached Headway ? They might be able to signpost you towards help. They do have experts and they can help, is what I have heard. They have been helpful to me.
Could she go to Headway for help, perhaps?
The Charity 'Mind' I know will help. Trees below gives you the link.
You do need help. Your GP is one way, with counselling for your wife and indeed for you.
I don't know what else to say.
Yes, stuck is exactly what I would feel, if I had been in your shoes.
There is also a charity called Different Strokes which has support for patients and family/friends of them who are generally of working age still. They therefore probably understand what you are going through and may be able to offer you support. You can google them or find them on facebook.
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time and I hope you get make it through. You probably need to reach out for help and try to have a lot of patience. There was a time when my wife had depression and not knowing what the reason was, she put the blame on me and it was almost as if she was willing to leave me and end our marriage (ironically, I also met her fiancé for 10 years during that time so she was considering going back to him). It was a challenging time but patience was very important. Communicating with her and also my mother in law who is very supportive was helpful. It took a while but things between us are better now and we managed to have a child together. She eventually also went to see a psychologist and got some medication, which helped a lot. Perhaps try to find a psychologist and go with her (some countries have cheaper treatment than the UK and a much shorter waiting list; some countries are famous for "medical tourism" such as India or Thailand so I wonder if that is an option). All the best
Thank you all for your responses. They mean the world to me. TBI is such a complex thing with devastating effects. The relationship itself is unreconcilable and we just can't live in the same household. She is under a community mental health team and yesterday I told them that I was making plans to move out in the hope that they might give me and the kids some support but they just said they have no consent to share and they might talk to her about it but they won't tell me anything even if they did. It's really frustrating because she won't engage in the conversation with me or agree on a plan and we just end up going in circles. I will tap into the services mentioned by each of you and just hope for the best. Thanks again.
This must be so hard for you Mykel. Just a thought. Would social services be able to do anything? That may not appeal or could really complicate matters and create further problems and not be appropriate, but I really don’t know much about these things. I’m just throwing out ideas. There needs to be a joined up approach from any third parties involved, but unlikely I suppose. I hope you manage to find someone who can advise you of some next steps.
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any advice welcome 
Advice for continuing care?
