Feel like everyone else is living their lives

[Sian12345]

Just wanted to ask if anyone else feels that all partners relations and friends have carried on with their lives whilst you are trying to cope just with getting up every day Guess have found it hard that my husband has carried on going out to the pub and playing in various bands whilst I just spend time alone with my dog Sorry to sound so depressed but having spent another evening alone just wanted to see if anyone on this forum feels like I do I do understand that he probably needs time away from me I would if I was him but can’t help feeling annoyed when he goes out

[Chat2U]

It's a strange feeling watching the world carry on without you participating in it. Almost feels like you died and are watching people live their daily lives as a ghost stuck in the walls. I find it's best to direct the anger towards my symptoms, otherwise I get irrationally annoyed at other people just living normally!

It upset me seeing people go out for early tea time drinks in the sun the other day. For no reason. Was just a reminder of my old life. So I raged against the fact that I had to get horizontal by 6pm so couldn't go out, and raged against the fact that I wouldn't cope with the conflicting noises, etc etc. Better to focus the anger on the things stopping you rather than people doing what normal people do.

Easier said than done mind you obviously!!!

[paxo05]

I a sense yes. Unable to return to work and only able to do short term voluntary I seem to be detached from the world I knew.

My partner works ( ironically in care) and hearing of her day is good but also reinforces the detachment.

I am lucky I have 3 very close daughters that make sure I'm included I'm things, even if they have to adapt things.

Pax

[DTBI]

I’ve lost a lot of friends & colleagues since my TBI, and whilst I am still with my wife she has a job and individual friends to help her live with a ‘new’ husband. Truth is I am different and the bloke I used to be can never be completely the same. Whilst I don’t ever feel sorry for myself it can be frustrating, and I do at times wish I lived in a different place with different people I never met in my former life. Finding personal activities help, volunteer work, gardening, walking the dog etc.

[Leaf100]

Hi Sian.Ya, people do drift away.

At some point I am going to have to figure out how to have a social life of some sort.

I have been told it's often easier with new people because they only know the you you are now.

Have you considered joining any online groups? Headway may have some running. There will also be ones maybe through community centres. They may know some other things.

There are some free art therapy zoom things online - you don't have to be an artist and can just yse a paper and pen, or collage newspapers and magazines. Look up 'free art therapy' online.

I also feel having something to talk about besides the usual is helpful.

Ya I know online isn't the same as in person and it is still something.

I'm still waiting for the Rip Van Winkle feeling I get when I go out to pass. Can't seem to catch up somehow.

Leaf

[TreesMTBI]

Oh Sian, sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. Yes I can relate too like other people replying.

My parents who are in mid/late 70s have more life than me. In the last year they’ve been abroad twice for long term breaks, been away for long weekends four times (they are away now).

Friends have moved on, some ditched me and one good friend has physically moved to another part of the country, moving on with her life doing the kind of thing I would have done before. Those friends left always want to do things that cost money and I don’t have income at the moment so can’t join in.

But as DTBI says, it helps to find new ways of interacting with the world, ways that suit your symptoms, volunteering or crafts, maybe finding new people or just one new person who as Leaf says will only know you as you are now.

I’ve been having talking therapy which has helped me find a new way, via NHS which I would recommend. It can help you redefine your feelings, in my opinion anyway.

[Catx1978]

I know exactly how you feel. We all do. They always hold a bbq in the yard my husband works at every summer and I will still in hospital at the time. It was painful seeing the photos my sister in law posted online as she talked about being with her family. I felt like everyone was carrying on and things seemed to be on hold for me. I understand that they got to love their lives but it doesn't help. Try headway, I go my local one twice a week and they do activities and social evenings which give you a social life

[fartikins in reply to Catx1978]

yes it hurts - I have ckd4 but with severe depression to go with it and my day is mapped out for me. I can't do things spontaneously any more - I have to be in the afternoon to try and go to the toilet as I have dreadful constipation - its no life for me. My son has left to go to Gibraltar with the forces and it just leaves my husband. I spend a lot of time by myself because being with 'normality' hurts beyond what words can say - so I avoid everyone. They are all having a good time and loving life - mine is torture of the worst kind.

[BeeYou22 in reply to fartikins]

It's a full time job managing the numerous bodily failures/dysfunctions after a BI and we generally don't tell anyone how much we're suffering, not even the GP (understandable in some cases as mine told me to 'keep on, keeping on' 🤬) so we are left to our own devices. I take Laxido to help me and it's gentle and works without the tummy upsets some other laxatives cause. The more I worry the worse I get so I try and stay calm (not easy) and then deal with the next curved ball my body throws at me. Big hugs x

[skydivesurvivor in reply to BeeYou22]

sit with a coffee & SMILe to spite the frustrations?!! Oh and sigh too

[BeeYou22]

Oh it's hard Sian... I was 'disposed of' by my partner of 8 years but he never cared anyway I guess so I've been living what seems like another life since my BI. I live alone and can't imagine anyone wanting to be with me now I am 'broken' but do you know what... I am actually pleased that I don't have to try and please others now and can concentrate on my healing, my journey and my life! Yes, you lose 'friends', you might lose a career, you might lose what you thought your purpose was in life but I have actually found my purpose and am a volunteer for Mind and also Headway as part of the Making Headway team so if I can make a difference because of my 'lived experience' then I will stand front and centre and tell it like it is. We all have different experiences but mine have taught me so much, even though they seem so bad... there is life after BI and there is always hope x

[skydivesurvivor in reply to BeeYou22]

good for you!! Nice to know there is a life after TBI, spent 20+ years trying to find mine!! A few hiccups along the way but I guess it’s life?!!!

[BeeYou22 in reply to skydivesurvivor]

Well it's whatever 'life' happens to mean at the time for me! I'll never be what I was before my BI and I accept that but others find it almost impossible to accept the new me and I find that frustrating and upsetting but I understand their dilemma because how on earth can they ever understand how we're feeling? I am 'alive' but I don't live the life I would like to and so I'm left having to get through each day as best I can and I think that's we are all trying to do here x

[skydivesurvivor]

sad fact of living, communiting with a tbi sufferer. We are not the person they remember. In time y have the option to redefine y personality, hone the good and Bon the bad. Hope hubby who is trying to accept the new you, his way of adapting to the difference, not his fault. Hop y work together as y refine the new you. Sorry for my blunt honesty, wish y both well.

[Richdp]

I completely get it and have never felt as alone in this world as I do now. I'm merely a shadow of who I once was and don't find much enjoyment from life anymore. I never really had so many friends until I went travelling, where I made a lot of new connections and suppose having that circle of friends makes me miss and feel more lonely ten fold! Nowadays it feels like the world is still turning and I'm motionless. Every time I go out I come hope feeling more low as I see people happy and getting on with their lives and I think it just accentuates how dull my life is.

I see my children every other weekend and miss them like you wouldn't believe, but at the same time find it a massive drain as I have no help with them.

Gotta keep going for their sake I guess.

[Sian12345 in reply to Richdp]

Hi Rich

Thank you for your incredibly honest response I have to say that I no longer enjoy the going out process as I once did as I find it hard to be around large groups of people It doesn’t help that I no longer drink or smoke and find being around people who do somewhat challenging and there have social anxiety about these situations However I am trying to go out more but do wonder if it’s worth the down feelings that inevitably arise I don’t have children but cannot think how hard it must be for you Please take every opportunity to spend time with them and I hope that things improve soon Take care

[Richdp in reply to Sian12345]

Yeah, I definitely suffer from social anxiety, but my meds have recently been increased and I'm not quite sure if that's contributing to the problem.Still it's only been 12 years since my TBI so maybe things will improve 🤦

Sorry for the rant, I'm just on a bit of a downer today.

Hope you find a good balance in life 🙏

[Sian12345]

please don’t apologise for ranting It helps to get things out rather than bottling them up Hope you find your balance too

[Richdp]

Thank you 😊