Choosing your battles (and knowing when to let it go)

[Bb1878]

Hi All, i hope you are doing ok.

Ive posted on here a few times over the last 2 years since my head injury and subsequent battles with PCS. Ive learnt something new recently and thought i would share it with you.

Ive been doing fairly well generally speaking and have been feeling "pretty good" (as Larry David would say for any curb fans..) but about 3 or 4 weeks ago i started to feel unwell again, and pretty soon I was in the downward spiral heading for a crash which was as bad as anything i have had in the previous 12 months id say, even my usual techniques and strategies (which i learnt from the good ppl on here) were not working for me. As I am now (thankfully) slowly starting the climb out of it and am thinking more clearly again, I now realise what it was that caused it :-

I had some abysmal customer service from a couple of well known companies recently, in both cases I have ended up suffering financially due to the mismanagement (negligence really) of the staff in question. These incidents happened within a couple of days of each other (2 days i think it was) and involved long phone calls, and face to face meetings trying to recover what was taken from us. Thankfully we are nearly there now on that side of things, however i didnt realise at the time the toll that these events would take on me mentally until now. I really have been a mess.

Looking back, because the "old" me would have wiped the floor with the pair of them, im guessing i automatically switched back into "old" me mode again - but paid for it bigtime! On reflection, i probably (definitely) used up far too much valuable energy on these incidents, and because they were pretty much back to back that kind of increased the stress levels even further, resulting in the inevitable crash which happened shortly afterwards.

Ive learnt a valuable lesson here, one i probably should have already known but sometimes life gets in the way doesnt it? - I need to try to protect my mental wellbeing at all times - just as Ive learnt to do with my physical wellbeing. Both result in the same consequences if they are not looked after properly. I gave these situations far too much of my mental capacity and they took far too much out of me - it just wasnt worth it.. from now on ill be much more vigilant.

2 years in and still learning how all this works

Anyway, thanks for reading!

All the best, Bb

[Leaf100]

Hi Bb

Yes, you do have to learn to step back and judge if it is worth the cost - not just in terms of increased sypmtoms, but what side stepping does to one's self esteem.

It is hard sometimes, especially when if others just did their job right it wouldn't be necessary.

I have noticed as the more I can pass for normal the less it happens. I have learned not to ask for help because when I have it has gone badly - especially wirh kawyers and people at work who I thought would look after me because I looked after them. Ha ha.

At two years in you still have a lot of healing that will come. Still keep trying new things and look for rehab opportunities even if you have to do them yourself. Healing keeps happening, no matter how long ago it wad, especially when you keep doing things.

I am glad you posted thus, it reminds me to be kind to myself and keep standing for mysrlf. With ptsd rhat can get in the way of even trying sometimes.

Best

Leaf

[Bb1878 in reply to Leaf100]

Hi Leaf100, thanks for you reply - i hope your doing ok.

I agree, stepping aside would probably have been just as bad in this case. I think what Ive learnt (or i am going to try and learn) is how much mental capacity i can afford to spend on a particular issue, difficult to judge i know but with hindsight i do know i threw too much of "me" at this- when I could maybe have got the same result without the direct battle approach... I dont know im just guessing, I always feel better when I stay calm (like everybody does I guess) and getting angry now is far more damaging to myself than anyone else so going to try and limit that if I can (prob being a bit ambitious but will give it a go!). Your right about being kind to yourself aswell - when ive done that in the past its usually in the form of me being kind to others - need to be a little more selfish at times I think, self preservation and all that! 😃

Thanks again and take care, Bb

[Leaf100 in reply to Bb1878]

hi Bb, the old saying us 'treat others as you would like to be treated yourself' - it doesnt say treat them better.

Life is a lot different now and I have seen how people treat you differently based on perceived status. I have had to get tougher and am a lot more street smart than I was. I do miss my old bubble in which I was relatively clueless.

If there is a gift in this it is knowing by experience how different people's perceptions actually and truly are. It changes a lot of things but its hard to explain.

You take care too.

X

[Teazymaid]

I’m do in the same as you at the moment ( the long to go into) but wry much trying to stay away of negative people and situations .. so easy to cascade down the self destruction route , when staying positive in my new world with my head and not so good shoulders and leg ( they were just damaged in my fall ) .. so like you it’s so easy to crash and I’m also very aware of what I need …..

[Bb1878 in reply to Teazymaid]

Hi Teazymaid, thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear about your situation - i hope you are feeling better soon. You are so right about staying away from negative situations and people - it is so easy to let it get the better of you and when that happens we know what can happen, and although ive dealt with a couple of bad situations over the last 24 months i havent crashed like this before, think it was the double whammy effect of two separate incidents both very similar at the same time - leading to mental overload and crash. I think learning how to prioritise mental wellbeing in these situations is key, and although not easy i think if it is possible to give 'only the minimum energy neccessary' to these negative situations - and make sure we keep the rest of our valuable energy for ourselves - then that would lead to a better outcome. I hope that makes sense, probably a bit pie in the sky but going to give it a go anyway! Best wishes, Bb

[1949liz]

That’s a good tonic of learning skills, I am still learning but as you yourself know a little bit goes a long way too much drains the batteries of our energy so fast it’s unbelievable as before my head injury and stroke and the situation of my marriage I could go all day and not be wiped out now if I have two or three jobs to be done I’m wiped out just thinking about them. So it’s one day at a time or one job at a time that’s all I can do. Take care Love Liz and Shelly 🐾🙏🌹 Shelly had her walk now snugging up beside me fast asleep 💤 xxx

[Bb1878 in reply to 1949liz]

Hi Liz, thanks for your reply - you are so right about how much these things drain the batteries, ive been pretty vigilant on the physical side of things more recently, and have been able to manage myself better because of this - i dont take on too much physically now and pace myself as much as i can (i battled with this for ages before finally realising my limits and acceptance became an easier path to walk down - especially as running down it was no longer an option! What I hadnt realised (and i know i should have really) is how the mental overexertion can also cause the same result as physical over exertion - if not worse actually in this particular case. I threw too much mental effort at these situations and crashed as a result - what id like to be able to do (maybe a little ambitious) is only give the necessary energy required to get the job done, - ive worked too hard to try and stay well only to throw it all away on some bad situation.. if you know what i mean? Hard to judge i think but i think calmness is the key, the more calm we are the more in control we are, and the more able we are to judge things better and (theoretically) use less energy to get the same result? Probably talking nonsense (its a bit late!) but thats my aim now and Im going to try this strategy to the "toolbox".

I hope you enjoyed your walk with shelly - we have a pup now and walking in the park with him is a blessing, altho not quite as relaxing at the moment as hes a little naughty 🤣.

Take care, Bb

[Nafnaf87]

24 years on the learning doesn’t stop and nor do the dips. Every time the dip happens is a new experience, like now, as I don't remember the last one. Don't want to remember each time it's over because it's painful!

However I have learnt over the years putting stuff off in deference to my mental capacity is not a good idea as the outcome has always been bad. Better to stand and fight while you can and recover when the fight is done in my experience. Not at all easy.

Best wishes

Michael

[Bb1878 in reply to Nafnaf87]

Hi Michael - thanks for your reply. 24 years - wow, you must have been through so much - I am only 2 years in and feel like ive lived another lifetime already! I hope you are doing ok? You are right about not putting stuff off - no way was i letting these ppl get away with it, i think i just needed to lower the mental effort 'volume button, if u know what i mean? I allowed myself to get too mad and too angry and this blew my mental limits and caused me to crash i think, and although i got (or am in the process of getting) the right result at the end of it i wonder if i could have gotten the same result with a slightly calmer (less energy zapping) approach? Maybe not but going to try and calm approach now i think, see how that goes!

All the best, take care Bb.

[Nafnaf87 in reply to Bb1878]

Bb I am sure you are right about not blowing a fuse but then there are occasions when people don't get if you don't raise the level at least. It's another thing to learn and develop, situation judgement, rather than just charging headlong.

Pain isn't it 🤯

For me, I think I made more progress so far this year than at any time since the accident, much of the last 10 years has been spent going backwards but even though I have refused to go down the hopeless route. I just think you/I/we all just need to keep as steady as possible putting one foot in front of the other.

Never give up 😎

Best wishes

Michael

[Caro74]

hi Bb1878

Firstly, thanks for sharing your experience, and I’m glad you are on the mend from it, my question is this though- had you avoided those two battles, would you have had somebody else there who would have fought them on your behalf or would you have just suffered that financial loss. Would that have outweighed and been better than suffering your subsequent crash. These are dilemmas I (battle) with constantly and just wondered in hindsight your thoughts?

[Bb1878 in reply to Caro74]

Hi Caro74, thanks for your reply.

Regarding your first question - i dont really have anybody else who could fight these things on my behalf, ive always dealt with all the financial stuff in our house, and although my wife has been extremely supportive - she kept things "normal" for the kids for the first 4 months and did pretty much everything while i was unable to get out of bed, speaking on the phone and dealing with these types of issues isnt something she can do, which is fair enough. I dont mind doing it - i think ive just learnt I cannot go "hammer and tong" with these situations anymore, its just too draining mentally - i need another strategy now and that will be to try and weigh these things up and decide (prob not easy) a) how much is this situation worth? and b) how much energy can i "afford" to spend on it? Probably a bit pie in the sky as we dont often know up front i know that, but i think the more calm i can stay the more in control i can be and therefore (in theory) i should be better able to apply the minimum required mental effort to get the job done, without draining the batteries completely - which i did spectacularily recently!

Thats the theory anyway - will see how it goes. Just like physically setting limits and pacing ourselves becomes part of the way we have to be to try and stay well, doing the same mentally isnt quite as straightforward, and i hadnt realised just how much the mental side of things can cause the same result (if not worse) than physical side of things if were not careful. Its all a learning thing this isnt it?

Take care, Best wishes Bb.

[cat3]

Hi Bb..

Sorry about your meltdown, but congratulations on seeing the matter through and I hope one day you'll feel that getting justice was worth the backlash.

Maybe letting the unfairness go unchallenged would've rankled on & on and the regret might've been even more troubling ? But it's good to hear the issue is resolving and that you can hopefully put it to rest.

Good luck climbing back up Bb ! 😉 x

[Bb1878 in reply to cat3]

Hi Cat3

Thanks for your reply. Yes i think it would have rankled with me even more so if id let it go completely! Im glad i kept going, but i think looking back there were things i could (and should) have done differently - if only to protect myself. I pushed myself over my mental limits in a short space of time and blew my "stack", resulting in a terrible crash. If id have stayed a little calmer and tried to apply "just the right amount" of mental effort without overdoing it I probably could have got the same result. Thats what i mean by saying it wasnt worth it. I became unwell because of a situation that i let get on top of me - and that was not worth it, really. I realise now I cannot go "hammer and tong" in these situations - it just too draining. Calmness is the way now i think, and hopefully that way ill be able to weigh things up better and then be more able to use the "right amount" of effort to get the job done - in the same way we have to learn to pace ourselves and not overdo things when doing physical tasks - mental tasks require the same vigilance and care - if not more so. Still learning! 😃

Take Care, Bb

[cat3 in reply to Bb1878]

We all need practice in finding new ways through difficulties (trial & error has been a big player for me over the past 10 years). 'Slings and arrows' comes to mind, so I Googled & copied it.

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the the slings and arrows of misfortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles. And by opposing, end them..." (may be an odd reference, but fits pretty well ?)

Brain injury land is a weird and often scary place and we're not provided with a one-size-fits-all set of rules for coping. But you're doing ok Bb with an obvious awareness that'll hopefully develop more legs with time.....

Be good to yourself... x

[Painting-girl]

Sorry you 'crashed' Bb. To myself, I call it my 'back on the sofa' moment - when I can't move. It feels unbelievable when you feel back to square one again. The thing is to hang onto your mental state during a crash, and not be telling yourself that it's permanent - I was coached not to follow a slump/ bust phase with downward spiraling thinking - that could either make the crash worse or hold it there - it is easy to drift into depressed thinking at that point, and then harder to dig yourself out again afterwards - so well done for fathoming out what brain overload was the trigger - that's a good strategy. We've probably all done similar overload things, quite reasonably, at some time or other though.

I did similar things to myself as you by the sounds of it, when tangling with my insurance companies, and sorting out my pension early on - a walk in the park before my MTBI - a nightmare of a week of migraine, and all the rest, after it.

Today I'm a bit knocked out too, but for a good reason, as have been helping out with my grandchild this week - worth it, but definitely got overtired, predictably triggering insomnia - the worst for ages - wouldn't have not done it in the first place though - the time has been beyond price. Though it's kind of annoying how long it takes to pick up again afterwards. Am going for a walk in the sunshine as part of my self care routine - but not for too long or far today!

I don't know - perhaps it's not possible to avoid crashes entirely? I suppose we can dissect the experience afterwards and work out if there was a different strategy to use to break down the task and not go into overload at the time? Or perhaps there wasn't - I suppose life will just throw us the occasional curve ball?

[Bb1878 in reply to Painting-girl]

Hi Jen

Thanks for your reply - you are spot on - I dont think we can avoid these things as its just part of life, but i think learning how to try and deal with them the best way we can without hitting that overload limit is an important skill to learn (i havent learnt it yet obviously!). Whether its realistic or not i dont know, but with my (over) analytical IT mind I am of the thinking that if it is possible to learn how to assess these situations in advance in terms of how much it is it worth, and what is going to be the required effort to get the job done - and then only applying the minimum mental effort, and pacing in the same way as with physical tasks, then hopefully that will bring a better outcome than overloading things mentally, which I now realise to my cost ends up in the same result as physical overload. Thats the theory anyway, I am going to try this approach the next time life throws a curveball!

That "back on the couch" moment as you say, it is horrible isnt it. It feels like everything you try and do ends up in the same result sometimes. I did those things you were coached against - i allowed things to get on top of me, I allowed the negative thoughts to take hold - and that made things a lot worse i think - I couldnt work out why my usual strategies were not working. It was only after much rest and when my mind eventually began to clear i could pinpoint where this began and realised what the trigger point was and it then all started to make sense. We do really need to take care of our mental health as much as our physical health - obvious i know but sometimes its harder to do than say!

Great to hear you have been spending precious time with your grand child - I too am a grandparent now and it really is precious (if not very tiring!) - now that is one thing that is worth the energy drain!

Take care and best wishes, Bb

[Painting-girl in reply to Bb1878]

You sum it all up really well Bb - great analysis, in fact. You've made me wonder if I could pace myself better actually when something large in terms of either thinking and/ or practical effort looms up. Though I do write sets of actions down - listing everything in small stages when it feels like I've got too much to handle - I think that must be my workaround for the dodgy executive function. I think it takes some of the pressure off. Then I tick off the list as I go - and sometimes rewrite a fresh one as it gets shorter ( sounds quite eccentric to 'old me') I do know the initial list takes quite a while and quite an effort to write, but I've won a few flower arranging competitions this year using this method, which is a new thing for me (I have to plan and source the flowers and display in advance) but note it is getting easier to do the planning than it was initially, and I haven't been quite so knocked out afterwards.

It's ironic that for all the way I've come, I'm still getting crashes, but I think they're smaller, and I'm actually doing more overall than I was a couple of years ago, and I've had new cognitive gain - my typing speed suddenly shot up a couple of months ago - weird!

I think it's quite hard not to at least have some negative thoughts when we crash - we're only human! It must have been quite a shock when something different triggered your recent bust phase too. Definitely easier to say we're going to pace, than to actually plan for it. I've found myself getting a bit better at saying 'no' to some things lately, which feels weird, but is probably sensible. Can't ever say no to spending time with the grandchild (four now) though!

[Bb1878 in reply to Painting-girl]

Thanks Jen - sounds like you are doing all the right things in terms of planning and breaking things down - well done on the flower arranging success! It must have been really pleasing and satisfying to see all your hard word rewarded

Great to hear your still getting cognitive improvements too - thats really great news. It just shows improvements are small and continuous, and certainly do not stop at the 2 year mark which you read a lot of - in the same way that PCS does not only last for 6 months.. as we know!

Ive just started my latest attempts at trying to get some more 'gentle' exercise to try and get in shape and lose a bit of weight - swimming. I used to love going but not been for a good few years, will see how it goes. Ive only been once so far, bit tiring afterwards and as ever its a fine balancing act trying not to overdo things even though at the time we think we can (old mode again!).

Anyway, take care, thanks again and best wishes Bb

[Painting-girl in reply to Bb1878]

The more recent cognitive improvements seem to come out of the blue, I've noticed improved memory, easier conversations, and faster reading too this year, except I wonder if there's something in having got a bit better at managing fatigue, so keeping up a more consistent level of activity overall helps the brain rewire a bit? Plus I've noticed that if I get overtired, I can almost guarantee insomnia - and I've been harder on myself about basic sleep hygiene, and have improved my sleep a bit too - but that's still a work in progress, I have to accept that it will probably always take some effort to sleep on a regular schedule.

The neuropsychiatrist said that there aren't many long term studies on MTBI - so I understand the time limits you read about on the web are more to do with the length of the studies that have been done, rather than 'real world' timescales.

What I have let slip a bit in all this, is exercise. I found it hard to keep up the 20 minutes a day on the crosstrainer after I stopped the specialist physio sessions during lockdown (ran out of cash when the insurance stopped paying for them, as they were private). I still get a marked fatigue reaction to exercise, so am quite reluctant to make that the thing I do in the day - so I have to get my head around how I improve on that next. If you're starting to exercise by swimming, bear in mind that it's easy to push your heart rate up during swimming, and the increased concussion symptoms on exercise are weirdly heart rate dependent - so the idea is to keep your heart rate below the level you get increased symptoms like headache or nausea, and only gradually increase what you do each week. (This is based on John Leddy's research with concussed athletes in Buffalo university) Hope it goes well!

[Suebedoo]

Hi - I am a fellow PCS suffered following an assault four years ago and I can really relate to your post. I am a CBT counsellor and have found that acceptance of the assault helped me a lot plus some trauma counselling but it didn't get rid of the migraines/headaches and that stressy feeling when something happens that is out of my control or hard to deal with.

[Bb1878]

Hi Suebedoo, thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your situation but glad you finding ways to deal with things. I fought it for about 18 months before the "acceptance" finally came, and it has been easier since then but completely agree when things out of our control happen and life throws a curveball it is very difficult to try and keep a handle on things, it seemed much easier before PCS, but, as with a lot of things, we eventually (hopefully) find ways of dealing with things and find coping mechanisms.

I knew about the physical impact doing too much leading to the energy drain and subsequent crash but the mental drain I had recently was as bad if not worse than any physical crash id had before - it really was an eye opener when i eventually realised what had triggered it! Im going to try and head these things off now, easier said than done but im trying to get into the mindset that there isnt that much really that is worth getting so wound up about it that makes me ill and causes a crash - im hoping out of this comes a new relaxed version of me

Thanks again and best wishes, Bb